Life has been a Roller Coaster

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Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Mon Nov 09, 2015 9:49 am

Hi,
This is my first-est thread EVER, so forgive me if I'm a lil IDK whatever but... here goes, my life has been a roller coaster, full of up's down's curves n twists. high school in NY when pot was decriminalized, OK no biggie, married my HS sweetheart about a year after HS, during our senior year and a few years after it was "sex drugs n rock n roll" to the max, and it was GOOD on all fronts, except for getting my diploma, everyone wanted to go down party lane with me, weee. after senior year I joined the Navy, and we got married not long after that, my selfish desires for SD&R&R led me to an early discharge. More to follow, gotta get up and do something grrr hate this panic attack crap.....

That's all for my first instalment
Fritz
PS how do I update my user name???
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby cheeps » Mon Nov 09, 2015 10:31 am

Fritz....you would have to register again with a different ID. Welcome to SS! Panic attacks SUCK!
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:47 pm

Ah ok thanx Cheeps,
I'm doing laundry n house work but as a zombie, nothin" feels right/real IDK gonna take my ... and see how long it lasts, the nervous twitchy thing makes me say and do stupid things.

PS thanx for the prompt response and makin' me feel welcome...

Fritz
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby cheeps » Mon Nov 09, 2015 10:13 pm

hell....I like fritz....and I say stupid shit IRL more often than not. Being able to type and edit my shit here...makes me feel comfortable. That and the whole wonderful use of the F word...
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Wed Nov 11, 2015 9:21 am

Hi n here's my next installment
ACT II
( Boring so far perhaps but, was fun at the time but, hay (roller coaster !))

So young dumb in love living life just me n my wife, exploring, experimenting, got back into "cid", coke, crank (ouch) then back to just pot, (ok and mescalin hard) for like a year or.... IDK (was a long strage trip) my wife, god rest her soul started gaining weight, (thought she was morphing into my aunt IDK) after 6-7 months found out she wasn't being an Italian wife, she was very pregnant. So we cleaned up quick, and we thanked God for a normal healthy baby boy, (love him), we stayed away from hard drugs and never got high around/infront of him. Well by the time he was four we had another life changer, my first major injury. An ankle injury two weeks prior led me to favoring my left leg, and a slip and fall from four feet up resulted in a "deranged right knee" colateral and acl ligaments destroyed, three years down time surgery and... lots of pain meds and muscle relaxers...

Uuhh gotta go more to come uhhhh

Thanx Cheeps you make this easy for me

Fritz
Last edited by fritz on Sun Nov 29, 2015 1:56 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby cheeps » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:09 am

Fritz.....you seem like the rest of us....I was having a conversation with my stepson last night, he is 30. He was talking about adulthood and how when he was a kid he thought being an adult meant all adults were responsible, hard working straight peeps that were to be respected and looked up to....that adults were infallible. Shit...I had to remind him that us baby boomers spent the 60s thru the 80s getting fucked up as hell....like really really fucked up. And while most of us changed in most ways adult....we still did drugs when they crossed our paths. I mean they don't call this time period a Mecca of sex, drugs, and rock in roll for no reason!! I told him most of us were old hippies regardless of our political, cultural, or religious leanings. That many of us really haven't changed our desires but tempered them.

His generation is the direct result of the craziness we experienced. I think it's safe to say when most peeps become parents they make that effort to straighten up. His generation doesn't understand that they have no secrets regarding drug use....because so many of us know what it's like to continue to use drugs to self medicate. Of course we hid it from our offspring....that's what society says we must do.

I used to tell them when they were teens....there is nothing drug wise you can do that will surprise me....we had an honesty gig here at my house. They told me some things early on but not everything...of course not. But over the years, it's all come out. My youngest who is very responsible told me a few years back about his touch with adderall during college and how he hates pot....etc etc. my oldest did a stint on cocaine and worked the pole between 18-20. That was an eye opener but it disn't surprise me.

So....drugs are ingrained into this boomer crowd....I told my son last night that respect and responsibility cover up drug use....that you can be a fine upstanding member of society and still use. He drinks like a fish....what's the difference?

Self medication is a part of the human race....
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Thu Nov 12, 2015 8:16 am

Thanx Cheeps
You make me feel a lil more normal, my oldest son 33 belongs here so badly (the mesc baby), the was fine as a child, but married had kids got hurt and went from pain control to recreational use. The middle child of mine also got married and he also gave me two grand kids, he's 28 btw, and has only tried pot, and pain meds but only as needed, he doesn't wanna wind up like his big bro or his mom. The baby, apple of my eye, daddy's little girl and love child is only 15, yes all from the mom, as far as I can tell has not really gotten involved with drugs. She does know some of what we have done, but only some, lol.
It is mostly for her sake that I have gotten away from the opie's, my wifes pain med collection from cancer, plus neck and back probs, although the liquid morph is gone (go figure) the fent patches too, the roxi this and oxi that hydro and val are right fucken there right there behind baby girls picture. Temped to trade em for sex
Last edited by fritz on Sun Nov 29, 2015 1:56 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Thu Nov 12, 2015 8:25 am

God, it's been so long for sex never mind good sex, but I can't get with some skank who would put out for drugs, plus I have someone, but sometimes I wonder if that's just a dream.... long distance romance via phoneand I'm hopeful but dam I need some, ovarian cancer and my being good has left me in a bad place. Ten years of not being wanted gave me a low "t" thing, which after onset long distance romance has corrected, but I don't like pouring beer on my fist to get my date drunk... grrrr I gotta go thanks for putting up with me...
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby cheeps » Thu Nov 12, 2015 9:06 am

Fritz.....that's great about the long distance thing....I know it seems the opposite but a woman really likes to know a man before they get involved....well, I do. Staying away from the dope whores is a must. You are meant for another relationship and I think you will have it. Switch up the beer for a steak...it might feel better!

I fact that you want a normal life stands in good stance regarding your character. Have you been able to regulate your Xanax? Do you have a schedule that helps?
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Thu Nov 12, 2015 10:45 am

Hi Cheeps
No schedule as such biting halfs into 1/4s and strechting btwn time that's how got to 1/2s but that kept failiny higher frequency of 1/4s ane then spacing them till I got spacey Ld Thing is very very complicated to explain we did and do know eachother just not in this way before... ok back soon 1/4 time grrr talking anwalk after that thanks for all gotta go bug out lol

Fritz
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Sat Nov 14, 2015 12:18 pm

Hi again
Back again looks like I'll be around a while... stuck for a few more days, stress governing panic attacks but I am strechin btwn times, hell I've licked the pain pills ( they never helped with pain, just didn't give a crap) the ne thing that worked was morphine and vals, direct injection, no fuckin pump with timer. That was after thrid proceedure fixin' first knee injury. After three years yeah friends helped "slf medicate". Just pills tho injection was at hospital.
There were many injuries n surgeries that followed, if doubling up on overnthe counter stuff helped why not double down on RX meds right? Um nope pain pills and muscle relaxers just caused my eyes to become lazy ( me too) now eye need glasses sob , Next after neck and shoulder issues (car crash, guy blew a steady red light) more pain pills therapy n muscle relaxers, dam go off them again (friends self meditation helped) pot seemed to make me not care about the pain without addiction issues had to switch on and off pain meds n pot to make blood tests work, didn't wanna get caught @ work with pot. Stupid refer laws, anyway I developed a neurological problem,
More on that next time, getting ready for next slice of xani....

Cheeps just wanna thankyou again my friend, it helps just to share this.... maybe soon I can losen up...

Fritz
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby cheeps » Sat Nov 14, 2015 7:00 pm

Fritz.....just write when you can....sometimes it needs to come out until it doesn't. Hard to explain. I find myself putting it out there in people's threads. I've been asked to share my thread, my story....well, it's everywhere and no where. This place is full of stories...all of us have suffered...and continue to suffer until we don't.

I have piles of benzos....I'm scared to death of them....you are doing a very hard thing bu I believe the lower you get, the better you will like yourself and your life. Baby steps though...be patient fritz.
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Mon Nov 23, 2015 11:14 pm

Hi there, hi-ya cheeps
Ahhhh just checking in over whelmed with emotions my real father has, just found out, lung and brain cancer damn although he was not much more than a sperm donor he's still my father... love dad, my step father to bits. My father well he tried I guess, but never really bothered with us in later years, or his grand kids, it's a shame n shame on him, but now this grrrrrr just getting a grip on being a widower because cancer well weeeeed back up to 3/4s a day just to chill was down to two.. and also cooking thanksgiving dinner for mom, dad, daughter and #1 son n his +1 if... they can get a ride, I so wish my LD gf Could make it down but she has complications, God bless her, btw things are better with us (Thankyou God) maybe a visit around Christmas. Did my shopping spent money I didn't have lol like my wife God rest her soul, used to do, so... I'm gonna figure how n when what to cook when so it comes together gonna try n sleep... wish my baybe would call/txt rfn always makes me feel good, ha, go figure...thanks for caring n reading n putting... no not myself yet still under reconstruction so... gimme slack hey I'm getting there n still here, ain't killed or hurt anyone or fucked anyone over so I hold my head high and don't have to look over my shoulder... geese forgot to talk about yesterday's excitement. .. my daughter n I were modifying her nerf gun hey it's only cheater if used at karate studio so this gun is for outsiide nerf ways at the park, well any way she was using her pocket knife on something and didn't tell me what she was doing... the thing she had been doing was safe... well any way she slashed the shit outta her left pointer finger would've been ten or more stitches... but I handled it like I would've done m own finger... well checked n washed it tonight it's holding not leaking much and no sign of infection Thankyou God ok that was a panic attack and I had to be calm academy award time pulled it off then took a chill pill effin xanax
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby cheeps » Tue Nov 24, 2015 9:31 am

Fritz...I feel for your bio dad....no one should have to endure cancer. But it sounds like you do have good family so that's a plus! And you are a good father so you learned that you weren't going to walk your bio fathers path, that's a major accomplishment. I had to do it too. I had/have parents that loved us to bits but couldn't parent for shit. I lost a brother in the bad years. He just couldn't take the mental pain. I don't remember much about his funeral...just that it wa a sunny day. I was 16and his friends kept me drunk most of the time. It sucked as we were close but separated at the time. He was living with my father and I was with my mom.

After that, I had my first forays into the drug culture of the 70s and that was the beginning of my path to opiates. I did every drug under the sun and no opies. Qualuudes were the thing then and I loved those fuckers. Good thing they took those off the market!

Are you a good cook? I'm doing the cornbread dressing and sweet potato fluff this year. My best friends mother passed in August and she was the cook so me and my friend are divvying up the cooking duties with 2 other family members.
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Thu Nov 26, 2015 8:31 am

Hi n Happy Thanksgiving
Hey ya cheeps, yupper cooking n hosting, dang someone has to, having mom n dad, son #1and his +1, and of course my love child, my daughter, son#2 and family r gonna stop by, damn it, feel asleep by the phone LDGF was gonna call back omg not a word... woke up in a panic of course love, blessings to you and all gotta get a chill pill and put on a happy face, and count my blessings. .. gotta run just needed to say hey...

Fritz
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby subster58 » Fri Nov 27, 2015 10:00 pm

Hi fritz and welcome to SS, Cheeps the 714's in the 60's- 70's were the bomb. My husband used to get cases of them from a MD, 500 to a bottle. I ate them like candy. Christ I was 17 so what the fuck did I know about anything. We married, I was 18 and he was 25 just back from Vietnam. I was off and running...
Fritz you sound like good people trying to do the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. Sorry about the panic attacks. They blow so bad. I hate them and have been on meds legally for over 13 years. Can't leave my house without one. Fucking hate it, but what are ya going to do.
Glad you have a nice safe place to vent cause we all need it.
Peace
Tia
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Fri Nov 27, 2015 10:18 pm

Hi Tia.
Thanks great to meat up with people like you guys, I know I was driving my LDGF nutz, God I love he she kept me in the game a life, and later told me not to just quit xani cold turkey, yeah she knows alot about drugs lol, high school in the 70's was so fuckin cool...

Well I pulled off a thanksgiving diner, wasn't the best, but the food n drink was good.... now I can try to taper down again, damn wish ma girl would call or text now getting jumpy.. she's as good as the drugs
Wow just txted God I love her.
Hi cheeps,
hope all is good gotta go need my fix both kind lol ttys

Fritz
Last edited by fritz on Sat Nov 28, 2015 9:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby subster58 » Sat Nov 28, 2015 11:19 am

Hi Fritz, glad you pulled Thanksgiving together, that's major. I cooked for 15 people all alone for many years and it's fucking work. Finally turned it over to my daughters, I hated to do it and was a wreck. They love it and aren't a nervous wreck about it. Terrible to feel that way. They could see what it did to me and I was no fun. I believe I've had anxiety long before the dx. Felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin, but learned early to try and put on a happy face while dying inside. Of course they knew and tried so hard not to upset me. Still to this day they treat me with kit gloves. Fucking hate it. I've helped my daughter detox off Xanax several time and almost called 911 once when she had big jerking movements. Scared the shit out of me. I gave her some of my anti=anxiety meds, but they were not strong like the Xanax. Tranxene. Old med but it works for me and I don't feel all doped up. Plus my shrink said she would NEVER give me Xanax. Was fine with me because what I take now works enough. Sometimes will take 2 if I'm really fucked up and can't leave the house. She say's what I feel is not rational, just part of the clinical depression I have. So when you say life has been a Roller Coaster ride I understand. Maybe not to the degree you have but it's still there. Sorry to go on in your thread. Hang in there and never give up.
Peace'
Tia
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby fritz » Sun Nov 29, 2015 1:52 pm

Sorry lost it....
Tia, nice of you to stop by. Please drop in anytime, so I'm not just writing to myself, it helps me.
Hi Cheeps, thank you for your input

Happy to get input, I'm not myself, infact, I'm not fond of this me. I want "me" back. I think I'm waking up from a dream, a nightmare that has transformed into a dream, but, what is real. I'm frightened to know and how to deal with things. I hope all is as I see it, and notjust how I want to believe it. More panic, I need a diversion ( gf would do nice) hooe to hear from her soon. Damn time for a dose if the other drug instead and a walk or something ok got to go
Thanks
Fritz
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Re: Life has been a Roller Coaster

Postby subster58 » Sun Nov 29, 2015 3:07 pm

Hi Fritz, hang in there buddy, Sometimes we can't rely on what we feel because it can really fuck you up. Going for a walk sounds like a good idea. Clear you head out and go look at the outside. Just a change of scenery can help. What are you taking, Xanie bars? Don't know what the dose is on those. Had someone that wanted to give me 2mg at my grandson's birthday party and turned it down. wow I couldn't believe I said no thanks. Just didn't want to go there as I had my own anti=anxiety med and don't want to mix it up. Don't need to go down further than I am already. I must say I was proud of myself because usually I'll take anything, but that has changed so much since I got off subs. Didn't know what it would do and want to be in control. Plus is was pissing rain and I had to drive in the rain for about an hour in the dark.
Anyway just do the best you can everyday. That's all any of us can do.
Peace
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