Might be developing benzo addiction...

Feel free to read or create a new topic about benzodiazepine questions or detox. (*Note - Benzodiazepines are not opiates. They are Valium, Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan, and many more. Additionally, cessation of benzos without medical supervision can be very dangerous.)

Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby SubArizona » Tue Sep 03, 2013 10:59 pm

I've been taking 2mg of Suboxone about 2 to 3 times a day for the past 4 years now, recently down to 1mg, no other drugs at all, no pot, not even alcohol.

Now, I am a loner, and my personality isn't suitable for relationships, so I don't date or socialize with women. Lately though I've been finding myself fantasizing about affection at night before I fall asleep, about holding someone and running my hands through her hair, nuzzling her neck... Not even sexual, just to be physically close to someone... I'm starting to feel lonely after 7 years of no contact with the opposite sex.

Since I'm not suitable for dating I find myself looking to fill the hole in some other way. I discovered a benzo source that is very cheap and I can order them over the internet... They are legal too, its like ordering off Amazon. I told myself they were going to be used for sleeping problems, but it has obviously crept into a daily habit, in escalating doses...

I'm so pissed at myself... I can't see myself NOT becoming addicted to these. I've done so well these past 4 years, I don't even drink..

I never went to meetings, never did the 12 steps, never had a sponsor, I never had any treatment of any kind. I just kind of "grew out" of wanting to be loaded 24/7. I developed an allergic reaction to my drug of choice and my dealer got out of the game, so I quit using it, got on Suboxone, and slowly moved on with my life.

I stopped smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol because I got very sensitive to them, and using ANY substance made me feel bad/sick. All my drug friends graduated high school and went off in all directions. I've basically not used any substances except 2 or 3 puffs of pot since June 2009.

Now, since I really never got REAL treatment, I've found a new thing to fill the hole with.

Goddamnit...

I don't have a car at the moment, I can't go to meetings. I can't socialize. I can't get out in the world. I'm screwed.

I don't even know why I wrote this. Guess I just needed to vent and write it all out.
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby cheeps » Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:46 pm

These days, it is so easy to self medicate. I feel your frustration....it's easy getting into a fucking rut and hard to get out of it. When you say you are on 1mg of sub....is that per day?

What knid of benzos and how much?
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby SubArizona » Wed Sep 04, 2013 3:18 am

I take 1mg about 3 times a day, so 3mg a day. Sometimes 4-5 if I'm withdrawaling.

I know this forum is full of people with addictive personalities, so I don't want to say exactly what benzo it is since its so easy to get a hold of, but 1mg is allegedly equivalent to 10mg Valium, and I've been taking about 20-22 of those every day for the past week. Doesn't get me very buzzed though? Like drinking a couple beers. Tolerance got high real quick I guess.

I stopped today, didn't take any, felt kinda of blank and hollow. Going to let my tolerance go back down.

The rut I'm in is really an "emotional nourishment lack" and this stuff stops that. I don't crave or think about it.

I think this time around its going to take some REAL meetings, 12 step, therapy, whatever this time, because there isn't a "Suboxone" for benzos.

Thanks for taking the time to talk to me Mr. Cheeps
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby CTCheryl » Wed Sep 04, 2013 6:57 am

I think one of the reasons Cheepsie asked you what benzo you are taking is because some of them you really can't just stop taking without the danger of having a seizure. Don't worry, I don't think anyone knows who you are besides you may live in AZ.
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby StuckOnSub » Wed Sep 04, 2013 11:19 am

Please believe me when I tell you that those benzos will only fill that hole for a little while. I know from personal experience. They lose their effectiveness, as you are already finding out. Plus, long term benzo use can severely damage your brain and potentially cause problems for the rest of your life!

I am on day 15 of a benzo w/d today, after many years of daily use. They have without a doubt caused me many more problems than they ever helped.

It sounds like you are taking a pretty huge dose of benzo, huh? 20-22 benzos a day is a lot! I can basically Guarantee you that such a large dose is going to cause you all sorts of problems - some that you have probably never even imagined - if you don't die first (I know/knew more than a few people who have died messing around with benzos & Sub).

Please take the steps needed to get yourself help! Take a taxi to NA meetings if you have to. Or public transportation (bus etc). Once you start going and introduce yourself to a few people there, Someone in NA will be more than willing to come pick you up from your house for meetings. Don't be afraid to tell them that you need a ride to & from NA meetings. I would be absolutely Shocked if someone was not willing to drive you....
There are some really great people I have had the weirdest pain in my toe for like 3 days now too. Very annoying lol. who go to meetings. NA can help you, if you let it. You have to be open to advise and willing to change though.
I really think from what you have said about your isolation that NA could do you a world of good. Just getting out into the real world and meeting some nice, friendly people who you can develop new friendships with will make you feel better than Any benzo ever did!
I was very stubborn about meetings for a LONG Time. I hadn't been in a relationship with the opposite sex in quite a while too. Forcing myself into the real world helped immensely! It was not easy. Especially in the beginning. There was a time where I honestly didn't think I could even force myself to go to a meeting, no matter how hard I tried. But I did it. And it is getting easier and easier to do. I actually enjoy going to meetings now. I have met many new friends. Have had a number of girlfriends since I started forcing myself to socialize again. Just give it an honest try.

I wish you the best! You can get past all this. It's not easy, but it is SOOO worth it!
Been on (and off) sub for just over 10 years. Clean as of August 10th 2014
Was on benzos for about 10 years. Went off cold turkey on Aug. 21st 2013.
Also, been clean from H (& other drugs) just over 3 years.

Everything I say on this site is just my opinion. I am no expert by any means (and I definitely don't mean to come off that way).
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby cheeps » Wed Sep 04, 2013 3:17 pm

CT is right, I just wanted to know because some benzos are worse than others and not knowing what you are on makes it hard for anyone here to suggest what might help with a taper or any advice for stopping....

Can you taper? I sure would hate to see you just stop and have issues and end up dead. If you are isolated where you are.....no one would know if something happened to you until the just found you laid out.

We sure as HELL don't want to see you in the Emergency Room.....so please check in regularly. There are many people that care about what happens to you....even if it doesn't feel like it to you.

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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby mano » Wed Sep 04, 2013 6:25 pm

Yes, that is an awful lot of benzo, and you can die easily going cold turkey on them, so do be careful. I've only dabbled in benzos, but often for a month or 2 of daily use...enough to where I got just slightly addicted. It's only been a few months off them for me but I really feel better without them. They seemed to make my anxiety and depression worse in the long run. Now I have been trying to do things like get out and walk for at least a mile every day, which is a great anxiety reducer.

I'm not really one for 12 step programs, but in your case it might be a good thing to try. I tried a few myself and it just wasn't for me, but to each his own. And every meeting is different, so if you don't like the first one, try again. Around here there are different ones all over town, and it's not that big of a town.

Welcome to the forum...and stick around :thumbup:
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby SubArizona » Wed Sep 04, 2013 7:22 pm

Thanks a lot Cheeps, I needed that...

The only reason I don't want to mention the name of it is because I know there are a lot of addictive personalities on this forum and I don't want anyone else to put themselves in my position, you can just order it online and its dirt cheap. Even if I did tell you the name of it, you've probably never heard of it. But basically 1mg is equivalent to 10mg of Valium, and I had around 6 or 700mg. So that's like having 7,000 Valium I guess. Even though I've been taking around 20 of these a night (two nights it was almost 40), it only feels like I've had a few beers? I think it just causes rapid tolerance.

I didn't take any yesterday or today, woke up feeling like crap but I feel fine now. I don't seem to be suffering any benzo withdrawal symptoms so I think I'm safe, I don't think I've developed a physical dependence. (I think waking up feeling like crap was because I hadn't taken Suboxone at night previously.)

Anyway, I can't remember if I posted this already (benzo amnesia), but I never considered myself "clean" or got on a high horse about being in "recovery." What basically happened was that I developed an allergic reaction to my drug of choice, dealer quit selling, so I transitioned to Suboxone for the past 4 years. Stopped getting "high" and traded that for a tiny buzz a couple times a day. I think this benzo is going to force me to really go to meetings and REALLY get into treatment. Damn... This is like the WORST thing to get addicted to...

Also wnated to mention something I've learned that my be of help to people: START WORKING OUT. It boosts your confidence like crazy, give syou self-esteem, very healthy, very attractive, and I've noticed that after working out I don't crave nicotine (dip robacco). If I coud tell anyone something in a similar circumstance, START WORKING OUT!! You can buy everything you'd get at a gym from the internet, cheap things like resistance bands, dumbells, and chest expenaders. It shortens opiate withdrawal as well (literally, not lik all these "eat heathy and take supplements" crap), it actually jumpstarts endogenous opioid production in the brain which equals reduction of symptoms. PM if you'd like some help with it, I swear to god it makes me feel so much better about my life...

Anyway, sorry for the long post, thank you all SO much for your support, I really needed to reach out to other human beings and you all really helped me... If I can help any of you please let me know! I have a lot of technical knowledge about Suboxone so I may be able to help someone in that way. What Cheeps said really made my day and I just want to give back some how.

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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby gtrman62 » Tue Jul 12, 2016 6:59 pm

I used to have an addiction to valium, I was taking about twelve 10mg tabs per day. One Time I stopped for 2 days to see if I was addicted and I felt ok. Little did I know that for valium the half life is long and withdrawals didnt even start for me until day 3. The withdrawals were hellish, My nerves were racked, I had the shakes and terrible stomach and muscle cramps. My life was like a living nightmare, a living hell. I even went into convulsions and woke up in a hospital not remembering how i got there. After trying to taper for a few months I went into treatment. I lost a lot of weight during the withdrawal, my normal weight is about 185 and when I made it threw the withdrawal I weighed 130. The worst of the withdrawal was 3 to 4 months but i didnt start to feel normal until I was clean about one year.

I would recommend staying away from benzos even at the doses prescribed because withdrawal can be the result. So even when taking them as directed by a doctor withdrawal syndrome can be the result. The addiction is very tricky and can creep up on you. Benzos in the end wound up giving me much more anxiety and insomnia than I ever had before I took em.
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby cheeps » Tue Jul 12, 2016 7:55 pm

gtrman62 wrote:I used to have an addiction to valium, I was taking about twelve 10mg tabs per day. One Time I stopped for 2 days to see if I was addicted and I felt ok. Little did I know that for valium the half life is long and withdrawals didnt even start for me until day 3. The withdrawals were hellish, My nerves were racked, I had the shakes and terrible stomach and muscle cramps. My life was like a living nightmare, a living hell. I even went into convulsions and woke up in a hospital not remembering how i got there. After trying to taper for a few months I went into treatment. I lost a lot of weight during the withdrawal, my normal weight is about 185 and when I made it threw the withdrawal I weighed 130. The worst of the withdrawal was 3 to 4 months but i didnt start to feel normal until I was clean about one year.

I would recommend staying away from benzos even at the doses prescribed because withdrawal can be the result. So even when taking them as directed by a doctor withdrawal syndrome can be the result. The addiction is very tricky and can creep up on you. Benzos in the end wound up giving me much more anxiety and insomnia than I ever had before I took em.



And yet my dr throws them at me.....lorzapams...clonzapams....it's a bad road. With what I have learned from folks like you, benzos are the worst to get off of. :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :suicide:
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby Subterfuge » Mon Jul 18, 2016 12:17 pm

Yikes. I know this an old thread but just, yikes...

VERY informative and relevant to my current situation with having been on 2mgs on Klonopin per day since 2004 which would be a grand total of 12 years. Sadly, they totally work for a very specific condition: trichotillomania

Inarguable in my case, they work. They just do. I was unable to stop pulling out my eyelashes from 1st grade until age 36 when I tried clonazepam (Klonopin.) As soon as I began taking 2mgs per day of clonazepam, my trichotillomania went into complete remission and remains there to this day.

However, I began noticing a decade ago which would have been a couple of years after continuous use, that I just didn't feel right in a lot of ways. It's difficult to describe but I relate to what others are saying about how their lives began to change for the worse.

Specific symptoms associated with benzodiazepine withdrawal or tolerance (I'm not sure which I am dealing with or both or what but I am not well) are undeniable at this point. For years I have been experiencing this strange thing where my whole body jerks while I am just lying in bed and relaxing. When I read about benzo tolerance and withdrawal, I have seen 'involuntary movement' listed as a symptom. Bingo! This is very likely why my whole body just jerks from time to time. It sounds to me like it is 'involuntary movement.'

I believe being on prescription morphine for chronic back pain masked the horror of being in a constant state of benzo withdrawal 24/7 after reaching a tolerance probably within months of routinely taking clonazepam. When my back stopped hurting and I tapered off of the morphine six years ago, I thought that I was going to feel great!

I could not have been more wrong about thinking that I was going to feel great once I was off of prescription morphine. I noticed that my ears began ringing very loudly once I was down to 30mgs of morphine. Once I jumped, my ears screamed. Tinnitus is a very common benzo withdrawal symptom so again, I think morphine must have been masking the hell of benzo tolerance/withdrawal.

I relate way too well with the adverse side effects of long term benzo usage. I relate all too well and realize that I am now facing a benzo taper, benzo withdrawal- both acute and post acute.

I'm not happy about any of this, obviously. It's pretty overwhelming and clonazepam has become the hardest pill I have ever had to swallow. It literally does not do anything due to an obvious tolerance, likely reached over a decade ago. I know it is hurting me to be on it but I also know that I cannot just simply stop taking 2mgs of clonazepam every single day after 12 years. I need a safe, sane (hopefully) exit strategy so I avoid going into long term benzo withdrawal syndrome and possibly seizing to death.
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby Subblind » Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:19 am

Hopefully your dr can monitor a slow,safe taper so you can get off the kpins as gently as possible.that doesn't address the condition that they cured but you will have to see where you stand with that after you get through the benzo taper.perhaps,being 12 years removed from that behavior may have longer lasting benefits and you don't have to deal with that anymore... Let's hope that's the case...you deserve to be free of all of that,and I'm hoping that's how it plays out for you...my best to you always,SB
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby LastAttempt! » Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:19 am

Sounds like he was talking about Etizolam, extremely similar to a Benzo but a slight analog so legal to buy, well was anyway laws are changing.

Know people that used to buy loads but never touched any myself.

Edit - Actually a Thienotriazolodiazepine, as the Benzene ring has been replaced with a Thiophene Ring.
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby cheeps » Thu Feb 02, 2017 1:23 pm

Glad you brought this thread back up. Seems like we have peeps with a benzo thang going on. Jeesus....just give me an old fashioned quaalude instead of the benzos.
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Re: Might be developing benzo addiction...

Postby Subblind » Fri Feb 03, 2017 6:17 am

Quaaludes...holy shit...did those ONCE as a teen ager.spent a whole Saturday night propped up in the back seat of a car fucking out for the count...took the damn thing around 7pm,by 745 I was unconscious like a crash test dummie and stayed like that for 20 hours and felt like I was sedated by a tranquilizer dart for 3 days after...those were the days...
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