Still breathing

Heroin, Pain Pills, Methadone are all opioids (aka opiates) and it just plain sucks or feels impossible to get off of any of them. Share about stopping, detox, or the desire to stop any of these.

Still breathing

Postby nootlsjr » Sat Apr 12, 2014 10:51 pm

yay.
Last edited by nootlsjr on Sat May 14, 2016 11:53 pm, edited 8 times in total.
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Re: the end

Postby cheeps » Sat Apr 12, 2014 11:03 pm

:shred: :D Hang in there Dman.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Sun Apr 13, 2014 6:49 am

thanks cheeps. will do.

if the thoughts of drugs/fix can create so much energy, then what other thoughts can be empower'd. not many at this time, but should gain more mental strength soon enough. I hate being blind to reality and ignorant to all the good/fun stuff, but I do know the way out. its time to stop being a bitch ass, and suck up to boredom/salvage.

I can do anything/everything I want accept opys. why does that sound so easy. lol. self deception can be a mfr fuck. hoorah for my extreme nature and practiced pain endurance. idk about the whole world, but think i can atleast support the weight of a small fams.

its ok to run, as long as your not chasing your own tail. cheers to catching up. peace.
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Mon Apr 14, 2014 2:01 pm

I would rather live and die, then live a slow death. i cant let pain and annoyance/fear be the factor of my inevitable fate. fuck me, fuck you, but no ciggs, no opys, no death. the only thing i have left is weed in moderation. [for now]. ciggs do no good. opys do bad, but the weed stabilizes my control with the cost/chance of lung/throat damage. hopefully i get it in time, but it hurts knowing i would be healthier in jail. does that mean i should try to do bad things with the hope of good health. lol. im such a bitch ass. peace.
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Re: the end

Postby Poncho » Mon Apr 14, 2014 2:58 pm

Go get'm Noots ! :deadhorse:
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Re: the end

Postby Not a 12 stepper » Tue Apr 15, 2014 3:52 pm

Noots, I'd like to offer you recognition for your amazing accomplishments, and also remind you that we here at subsux always support you in all of your endevors.
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Thu Apr 17, 2014 9:32 am

thanks ponch. thanks stepper for that proper statement of support. lol.

im starting to get mad at all the positive publicity sub is getting. I seen adds on the news by dr's that make me sick/pist. there pushn your addiction/body to your insurance/finance limits. that's mal practice, and even saying that you have to stay off all opys to recover then suggest how to get on sub and the web of millions of sub dr's. they said its gonna help the economy by giving the money back to the educated [non junky], but it sounds like a commy thing. up with the fortunate, and down with the problematic.[in division your always taking away]. just more rights taken away. and more control over our everythings.
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Sat May 03, 2014 6:41 am

ive been doing good for myself, even know ive been slipping and always feel like dog shit. I get clean only to relapse, but sometimes fate and time have a big role in things. like everything fits into place somehow or another. for a control freak that still cant understand why/how, I have resulted to if and when. how was always easy. lol. now its time to do.

I only have 2 days off h, but should be past the worst of it from scatterd pain payments. [to many to count. [fuck me ouch]. so hoorah for the ups, and hoorah for the downs. i don't care how i feel, i know what i have to do, and im gonna do it. i did give myself an extra day off this weeknd, but that's just icing on the cake. i barely beat this shit. [my desception [still need grammer lessons], but this one [last time] is for everyone that has it harder then me. my struggle is self inflicted, but in any struggle there is the knowledge of understanding/empathy. fuck the war, im gonna win this fight. peace. and thanks for the support, even if im only writing for my health.lol.
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Sat May 03, 2014 10:04 pm

never say never. I know im captain fuck up, but I know I have to question my intentions at all times. I just need to keap the hate for h/opys. they took the love/romance out of the word fun. I almost know whats good atleast. earning it isn't the problem. staying focused on whats good is the hard part.

I think im just going to type about good stuff. the times where a stable 80% satisfaction rate was enough to enjoy life. im as patient as it takes. im gonna give it my all. no doubt. just good times. peace, and fuck master opy. checkmate bitch. thanx 4 letn me share.
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Mon May 05, 2014 9:51 am

this shit [h wd] can really bring you to your knee's. [mentally, and physically]. every time is equaly hard because im facing my counter part of my myself. so, im gonna get what I want either way. I want sobriety, but for unknown reasons. you would think any possibility other then a hurting junky would suffice. lol. dam drugs have me wanting nothing but pain.

why is it so easy to ignore yesterday. im gonna stay clean, and try my best today. if I like it or not. lol. fuck my greedy intellect. keap your fingers crossed. im always one step away from day one. [if im hurtn or not]. peace.
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Re: the end

Postby Poncho » Mon May 05, 2014 9:29 pm

Rebound brother !
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Mon May 12, 2014 12:23 pm

I lost my will to want, so of course I took the easy way out. fuckn numbness. I know the error of my wrongs. my ducks are all quackn and all I have to do is sacrifice some time. comfort isn't an option. so im weening/withstaining myself till fri [maybe thur], and will do what I have to. think my best bet is to get clean and just run with it. I cant think about who you leave behind, or who leaves you behind. just keap running. I got a few bennys this time too, so that should help a bit. [it cant hurt].[I dislike the feeling of bennys, but it outweighs acute h wd[ not worried about a habbit].

I know if someone could help they would. this is all on me, and its doable. all in time. I miss normal sex. I lost site off all my good emotions. fuck me, but I will get mine soon enough. [my satisfaction]. peace. its a good day and like every day everything will get done. hooray for achievement, screw feelings. fuck me. [for now]. back to fuckn myself. dam. lol.
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Re: the end

Postby Poncho » Mon May 12, 2014 2:58 pm

Noots, you're catching up to us old fucks in relapses and you're 20 years younger then us :lol:
Really though, do something different this time to stay clean. Something you're never tried (counseling or something) Stay around people who don't get high. Whatever you've been trying for the last couple years, doing it by yourself is not working. You agree ? :wtf:
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Tue May 20, 2014 11:12 am

my tolerance was sky high. and I used to take pride in my good connects. lol. ouch. think I might need more support with this. its not the physical pain that gets me, its the mental deception. the impulsive confusion. I have to go back to exercise as punishment for feend thinking. fight fire with dirt type thing. its not going to be easy, but only because of the risks of ignorance/relapse.

so im doing alright. still hurtn a bit, but know and will do what I have to. at first fear of forever opy entrapment fueled my success. then I got cocky, but once again I fear the loser I have become. its a win win situation when your a loser, so atleast I got that going for me. if only I can reconnect with my kindling time. we will be friends again. I cant wait till the end. up with the time/s, and down with the dope.

I can atleast want to want again. lol. now its time to earn and take. save and revaluate. peace to good earning.
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Fri May 23, 2014 11:41 am

im a alive. lol. and willing/doing. I have an extended weekend, and will make sure I utilize this time wisely. one rule. no opys. I got this. I have allot to look forward to and im not in the gutter of expectations. I have enough to be humble and can earn everything I desire in health and purity. wish me swift time and patience. peace.
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Fri May 23, 2014 1:24 pm

if time is money then all I have to do is save money to save my life. if I spend it on dope I always end up broke. its all or nothing. its not easy picking all, but only because it looks/sounds too easy. to the untrusting deceptionist anyway. I know what good is, now all I have to do is wait to enjoy it.

its a celebration not a tragedy, so hooray for new beginnings, and hooray for old endings. nastrovia. peace.
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Sat May 24, 2014 9:02 am

I have a solid plan, and there is no way im gonna use. I can achieve what I been wanting for most my life. stability and some nice toys. I thought credit was for you to build, and spend when your ready to die. nobody explained the whole future thing.lol fuck. that's like crippling the competition of balance. that shit doesn't work. what goes up must come down, and what is down may come up. im moving up, slowly but surely. peace.

I found out, that its never about the physical pain, but the mental hardship for me. I have no doubt that im gonna stay clean, and it is so much easier. [my tolerance is also low, beceasue of prior pain payments]. so, my time to shine is near, and all I have to do is wait to reap the bennifits. one rule. no opys. everything else is just a joy or a chore. thanks for the clearity and support. yay for today, and I cant wait for tomorrow.

still hurtn a bit, but its the last battle of a huge war, so I fight with a smile. I won my personal war, and its just a matter of days before I can reap the bennifits I earned.
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Re: the end

Postby runthemachine » Sat May 24, 2014 11:09 am

Dude, I've held back on commenting to your thread.. not 'cuz I don't love ya, which I do, but because I guess I keep waiting for what might be your 'last goodbye' post to your beloved H.

My way isn't for everyone. My final motivation isn't what will deter others from staying (re-arriving) on-board. I understand that. You're still young, Bro (though, not as young as you were when you started getting dopesick for the first time). When you're 50-ish, and you're sick as fuck for the billionth time, you finally cry out (or, at least, I did). You might find that if you see a REAL end to this, and you know you just don't have it in you (no matter HOW delicious, or default heroin is to you) to be that sick... ever again... you ride it all the way out. Including the head-fuck.

I jones sometimes. I swear I do. And, in fact, I even chip sometimes (NOT recommended!!!). But I never 'actively' seek anything. If it's around, :shrug: , maybe. But, most likely, not.

The fact is ~ You really only have to be dopesick once. Ever. Knuckleheads like you & I have been there dozens (and dozens) of times. Personally, I'll never be there again. On the eyes of all my children, and your dog. I wore that fucken t-shirt out, and I'll never try it on again. Just sayin'.

Dude, I feel ya. Again, you're young (ish). If you have another dozen dopesicks left in ya, rock on. I know that I don't. I was WELL over a year just getting back to anything close to 'right'. Maybe yours is just around the corner..?

Make it happen, Cap'n. Big luv.
Eternally... free from nothing.
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Sat May 24, 2014 2:35 pm

thanks run. my future is worth 100 more detoxes, but I don't have the time. im too busy liven the good easy life. keeping a low opy tolerance is like having 2 jobs. your day/night job, and your pain job. witch one is really pain. lol,. im still not stable, but im done with h and opys. I will turn to exerize, sex, or even the tv, but not opys.

I never felt I had a future worth fighting for, I was an uneducated junky. when the time comes to pick life or pain/death then you make your choice. what leads to that and how long is personable. the question of worth was only asked once so far. it might be asked again later in life, but nothing is better then purity and satisfaction. peace.
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Re: the end

Postby nootlsjr » Sun May 25, 2014 1:24 pm

its always a struggle when your stuck on stupid. I can atleast trust my intentions. theres no doubt im gonna stay clean, but the process remains the same. the ups and downs suck, only because there feend based. Im ready to move on, but im still at the mercy of time. I earned this pain and thankful for the 3 short days I have. lol.

so I ask you all to bare with me this one last time and let me get this shit out of my system. 3 days isn't much time, but its the start of the inevitable. this time will pass. just another memory never to forget. every memorial day I have much to remember. my time will come, but its not today. soon. peace.
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