Need Support - My Jump

Sub Sucks and if you havent figured that out yet.. please read a few posts

Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby lil_tony » Wed Jan 10, 2018 8:08 am

Doc,

I am really honored you would take time out to write such a detailed account of your addiction. My WDs at the moment (48 hours) are uncomfortable: sweats and anxiety are no where near what you suffered coming off that level of SAOs. That is hard to imagine. A month is a long f'ing time.

At my worst, I was snorting 60mgs of Roxicodone or 8-12mgs of Dilaudid. I have luckily never dabbled in Heroin or needles. All in all, keeping from escalating my use has always been doable. I have decent discipline with pills and a healthy fear of spiraling to a level that would require in-house treatment. That is my biggest fear bc I wouldn't want coworkers or any family (besides the wife who also uses) knowing about this dirty secret. The problem has always been not wanting to WD. I would always just mortgage another day at the same level. Groundhog Day...

Believe me I know flushing the sub would make this easier. The doubt would lessen and the cravings too. The problem is my wife is still on sub. She takes 2 mgs a day and wants to quit also. That said, at that level of usage, I can't have her cold turkey. Therefore, I am stuck knowing that both the cause of my woes and cure to them is in the medicine cabinet.

I hope I don't come off as a whiner. It helps so much to hear from all of you guys. It really does. Signing up for this forum was the best thing I ever did. I realize now a taper to a lower dose could have helped. How much I won't know now.

I will keep shadow boxing. One step at a time.

Updates to follow.
Opiates for 10+ years (more on than off)
Suboxone for a year
Jumped at .4mg or so (1/8/18)

"Every dog has his day."
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby cheeps » Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:19 am

Tony...what you learn from your jump or taper....will really help your wife. If she sees that you can pull it off somehow...she will get it too. I have to go to work but I'm glad to say this......

BE A FUCKING WHINER....venting, bitching, moaning....its allowed here. And no one in your current life will ever know. That's one of the reason this place is valuable.....put the real out there....fuck it!
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby CatsMeow » Wed Jan 10, 2018 1:35 pm

Hey Tony. I hope you're feeling well today. Actually, "well" in the context of a sub jump. I understand that you will have subs around the house due to your wife. I hope that you can tell freddy the fucker to fuck off if he rears his ugly sub sucking head. :spank: Maybe you could kindly ask her to hide those suckers from you?

I'll be facing a similar situation with my Hubs on pain management with Hydrocodone. I've only been tempted a couple of times but that has since subsided. I'm now firmly in the grips of a sub taper sitting at 2.5 mg's. We're both going to have to be strong to whip this shit. I want it & I believe you want it too.

You're young, in great shape & determined. This is really great! I'll be following you on your journey to freedom. Keep posting!

Cat
Opy Free 4/14/2017
Sub Tapering From 16 mg Since 5/6/2017
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby lil_tony » Wed Jan 10, 2018 5:05 pm

This room is awesome. I am still going but it is getting worse. The anxiety is tough. That and being cold even though I live in Florida is making me crazy. If it gets unbearable tomorrow, I will do .125. I don't care if it sets me back a bit. I know I won't cave and go up. I am not saying I will but I also won't lie on here.

Regardless, I feel the progress. My head is so clear. I feel motivated even though my body is hurting.
Opiates for 10+ years (more on than off)
Suboxone for a year
Jumped at .4mg or so (1/8/18)

"Every dog has his day."
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby m4zer » Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:02 pm

Stay strong Tony! I jumped off 1mg only just recently and it was extremely shitty but it absolutely, 100%, gets better. Hell, things are STILL getting better. All that shit will do is make you not feel sick, it will not make you feel "good". Take it hour by hour and let the shit-wave wash over you and eventually you'll end up on the beach, looking out over a great ocean of shit and I'll bet you won't want to dip your toes in again.

It's normal to feel anxious, weak, ineffectual and shitty. That's your life for the near future and it's not some personality flaw in you so don't beat yourself up over it. Hopefully tomorrow you tell yourself the same thing, "I'll wait and see how it is tomorrow". Keep doing that and before you know it you'll be out of the woods.
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby Mare » Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:37 pm

Hey Tony!

(...really trying not to break into the frosted flakes song..) I'm glad you found this place. It's GRRRRREAT! (sorry!) However you proceed from here, we're right here with you.

Regarding caffeine, its not really recommended to use while you're kicking. I was able to kick my caffeine addiction with a product called Mio. It's one of those water flavoring dropper things they sell in the soda aisle. I used to drink 2 Rockstars a day, but I weaned off by just tapering with the Mio. I started with the teaspoon (in coconut water cause the potassium helps the legs) and in about 10 days I was down to one drop. I don't know if thats something you'd consider, but it really helped me!

Stay strong dude. But we'll hold your hand when you feel weak.
Heroin free since Sept 6, 2015
Methadone free since Dec 10, 2015

Currently tapering off Subs
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby lil_tony » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:53 am

Thanks so much guys. I def want to not use the caffeine but I get headaches. I will try the taper method with Mio.

Well I woke up this morning and I fucked up big time and took a crumb. It was .25mg or less. I mean it was dust dumped under my tongue using a business card.

That said, I know it was bad. I don't really regret it. I mean if I beat myself up what will that accomplish. The fact I made 72 hours sub free was huge for me. I will keep plugging along.

As I said before, I just want to be honest. I have a work thing today and it is offsite and I couldn't imagine doing it in my current state.

:(
Opiates for 10+ years (more on than off)
Suboxone for a year
Jumped at .4mg or so (1/8/18)

"Every dog has his day."
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby cheeps » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:49 am

m4zer wrote:Stay strong Tony! I jumped off 1mg only just recently and it was extremely shitty but it absolutely, 100%, gets better. Hell, things are STILL getting better. All that shit will do is make you not feel sick, it will not make you feel "good". Take it hour by hour and let the shit-wave wash over you and eventually you'll end up on the beach, looking out over a great ocean of shit and I'll bet you won't want to dip your toes in again.

It's normal to feel anxious, weak, ineffectual and shitty. That's your life for the near future and it's not some personality flaw in you so don't beat yourself up over it. Hopefully tomorrow you tell yourself the same thing, "I'll wait and see how it is tomorrow". Keep doing that and before you know it you'll be out of the woods.



Tony...you are now in the few bad days you will have...do the exercise of " by this time next week, I'll feel better", because you will. You are in the thick of the worst now due to the LAO that it is.....accept the shitty...it will get better, next Monday will be different, stay busy....this is the time to stay busy and keep telling yourself that you are now in the process of paying the piper. Don't you only want to do it....this LAST time!!

Self talk those thoughts of crumbs away...you are almost there. They receptors are becoming empty and they are howling.....beat them if you can. :deadhorse: Disraction distraction distraction....get up and move....go walk...if you are in the sunshine state....go do something outside.

We feel you. :suicide:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby Mare » Thu Jan 11, 2018 3:29 pm

You're okay Tony. Just keep trudging on. We all slide back a little, in our own ways. I should have mentioned regarding the Mio, make sure to get the one with caffeine! I wish I could give you mine, I have like 3 bottles left and no use for them.

Good luck with the work thing. Make a plan for how to proceed from here. Will it be a taper from the .25 or will it be a jump? I find it's easier to move forward with a plan! The steps of my taper have all been like clockwork, when I plan.
Heroin free since Sept 6, 2015
Methadone free since Dec 10, 2015

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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:02 pm

Hello Tony. I just read your thread. Its a new thread so I was able to read it all. I just wanted to say welcome and that Cheeps, DietDoc and Subjumpa are the folks to listen to. I and currently at .45mg of subtext. It split my dose and I'm using the liquid method. Ive tapered from a 2mg dose but I was on it for over 10 years. I'm going very slow and aside from a mental rollercoaster it has been pretty smooth. I have gotten a lot of support and guidance here.

I think you're really brave to jump like that. I couldn't do it. But one thing Ive learned is that if you decide you're breaking up with Subs, really decide, then you won't be stopped. You just need to be flexible. If you can power through, then power through. If you feel you need to be a little gentler with yourself, then do that. Whatever you do, keep coming back here. I would not be on the road to freedom if not for SubSux.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say hello and offer my support. Keep us posted. I tend to be slow about reading and posting. I think that the taper messes with my focus. But I will be checking in from time to time. Keep on truckin' dude.

Anna :banana:
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:21 pm

Can I use the word ‘balls’ as in courage and resolve? If so, you got some damm big balls. Here’s a couple of thoughts from someone who’s taken tapering suffering to new heights, mostly becasue of personality type but also environment.

I back-slid too many times to count. Some times just a tiny dose for a day and others quadrupling my dose for 3 weeks, and every variation in between. For me, and it’s important you know I don’t think ‘if me, then definitely you too’, but this is a worthy caveat: every time I lost progress and gave up hard won ground was becasue I felt I needed to feel better to deal with something important or dose-upping worthy. Of course I was starting on the top of Trump Tower so there was so much more room (and time) to vacillate compared to where you’re starting, with that said, pain is pain and commitment and responsibilities exist all the time at any dose where you don’t feeel decent. My most recent digression was Christmas and New Years. I started going up 2 days before Christmas and kept ‘function dosing’ until January 2. I had tapered down to .35 mg/d and kept sub grazing to make it to the Burberry store, the Apple Store...you get. Then social events and dinners etc. I just kept cutting a piece here and a little bigger piece there. I’m sure for about a week I was well over 1 mg/d. The point is I wouldn’t have upped my dose if I didn’t have to work, whatever defines work is irrelevant, having to function is a better way to word it. Clearly, when you taper as long as I have this is going to come up a lot more. But you’re off-site meeting to review those changes to the blue prints won’t be the only time you’ll have to be feeling well while you’re still detoxing and symptomatic. You can muscle through some but others may feel important enough to need ‘relief’. In a perfect world, go to North Captiva for a month (you can only get on that island by boat or plane and there’s no pharmacy there). But I know that’s a long shot.

I was surprised to read your wife is also on suboxone. That’s not rare but it’s not common either. It’s surely a confounding isssue, but clearly not a deal breaker. I have a mini-pharmacy in my house. Years of rep samples (and other origins) that I just let sit. Maybe I’ll toss it all one day in a big back yard bon fire, but I’ve helped a lot of people dispensing various meds so I’m not sure. Anyway, you need a mechanism for dealing with the logistics of your environment. My 2 cents...go to Office Depot and buy a quality digital safe. Put all the sub in the house in said safe. Only your female unit has the combination. She has (and needs) unfettered access. But for you to get sub requires a conversation with her, which is a good thing, doesn’t mean you can’t get your .125 mg ‘gotta function dose’, it just creates a buffer zone and time to think and by default involves another humanoid. And if she’s not home she can just text you the combo and change it later. Or hide a key in the house. The safe methods hasn’t always saved me from myself, but has at times worked and at least that’s something. Lock the shit up man, and give someone who loves you the only access. And take that crushed up 2 mg tablet that’s been in your wallet for months out too. We all had the wallet dose.

Last thing, don’t torture yourself. Taper or jump...but this ‘little bit here, little bit there’ sends your amygdala, hippocampus and uncus into a horror movie mode. Trust me on this, I am the accidental expert. Start at .5 mg and go down 10% every 10 days and by tax day you’ll be walking others through how to comfortably taper, it’s not death by 1000 cuts....or lock it down and stay ‘jumped’...but little function bumps will make everything worse. This is comeing from a guy who has been tapering off of 1 mg since November 2016! February of last year I wiggles my way back up to 4 mg/d!!!!! Wow. I was only there for about 2 weeks but again it was a huge project with icons and even celebrities and I was hosting an event that took months to set up, same point - I gotta do this thing but I have rubber legs and a lead suit, fuck that...where’s the sub. If you can’t contend with your life when cold turkey WDs are at their peak...consider using landing gear. I mean clearly you can see how easy I made it look...blahahhaaha.

Dude, you rock. But I bet you feel somewhat tortured and conflicted right now.

All The Best -

The Subverted
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Buprenorphine: 9+ years @ 16 mg/d ave. - Tapering @ 0.12 mg 2xday
Alprazolam: Yup!
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:15 pm

I’m thinking of you dude. I hope you’re in the thunder dome kicking ass some sub ass. You are doing the shorter but more painful route.

Stay angry my friend.
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Buprenorphine: 9+ years @ 16 mg/d ave. - Tapering @ 0.12 mg 2xday
Alprazolam: Yup!
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Re: Need Support - My Jump

Postby cheeps » Mon Jan 15, 2018 7:50 pm

Hey Tony....did you make it? If not....no guilt ok?
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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