My liquid taper

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Re: My liquid taper

Postby CatsMeow » Tue Nov 28, 2017 10:29 am

Hi Anna. Hope you are well today. I also find this to be true "I will say the hardest part of this has been major mood fluctuations". How do you handle this with the fams? I lost it on the hubs night before last & now it's bad. I mean really bad.

That wasn't me. Crap just came gushing out of my big fat mouth. He hasn't spoken to me since. I tried to copy some good info from SS in the hopes that he could possibly understand. It didn't help.

Now, I feel totally alone. I've pushed away my partner of 31 years. He may be gone forever. I just don't know.

Any advice my dear Anna?
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby cheeps » Tue Nov 28, 2017 1:03 pm

Hey there good looking...whatcha got cooking?

You have been very overwhelmed the past week and you are wondering if this shit is even worth it....yeah...me too baby, me too. It's just the brain chemicals being a bitch anna....you do want to live...you do want to grow the milkweed. You do want to do this....it WILL be alright.

One moment at the time. Stop feeling guilty for taking a drag. Do what you can do in a day and then rest. It's ok to be selfish now. It's ok to be angry, confused, feel defeated, and to want to end it all.

But you aren't going to do it. This is a temporary state of affairs. You will make it thru Xmas, you will make it thru New Years and you will find the strength to do it. You have the hubs and the boy....you have us. You have Long Island. You have me....( :wtf: :mrgreen: )... you have a life on the other side....and you are very close. You will do this if I have to come beat your ass into doing it.

Your vision will get better. Your going to be ok. This is the hard part now instead of afterwards. You are doing it. I know you are feeling dead, upset, zombie like, exhausted...all those things. But you will continue to do this and you will succeed. :kiss:
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Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby cheeps » Tue Nov 28, 2017 1:31 pm

CatsMeow wrote:Hi Anna. Hope you are well today. I also find this to be true "I will say the hardest part of this has been major mood fluctuations". How do you handle this with the fams? I lost it on the hubs night before last & now it's bad. I mean really bad.

That wasn't me. Crap just came gushing out of my big fat mouth. He hasn't spoken to me since. I tried to copy some good info from SS in the hopes that he could possibly understand. It didn't help.

Now, I feel totally alone. I've pushed away my partner of 31 years. He may be gone forever. I just don't know.

Any advice my dear Anna?



It's not your fault that he's hooked on pain meds He lied to you. He probably took your leftovers. You didn't cause his issues. So....you might feel alone but it's not your fault that he's clammed up.

Whatever you said was probably true and struck a deep chord with him. You made him face HIS problem. Of course he doesn't like that.... :gaah: but I promise you....it is something like this that was going to happen ANYWAY.

Stop thinking like woman for a few minutes. If you want to know what the man is thinking, ask SDD or Tim. :banghead:

If you want to return to status quo, fix him dinner, give him a blow job, and tell him what a damn fine husband he is. :gaah:

I Guess what I really want to say is this....it's time for you to grow some backbone.....you have to decide what YOU want to do. He will bury his head in the sand. Are you going to tiptoe around him for the next two weeks and hope he'll return to normal? :banghead: :banghead: I'm pretty sure he'd love it if you did. So....you cannot change his thoughts actions or feeling...what's done is done.

You didn't cause his pain and drug use
You cannot control his pain and drug use.
You cannot change his pain and drug use.

Now...you have to concentrate on YOURSELF. Pull up your panties and stay the course you are on...tapering sub, working, whatever you do...just do it. Make plans for you. This is not the time to make plans for the both of you. You aren't going to get a divorce. You aren't going to do anything about him. It is not the time to worry about your marriage. It is time to get you off drugs....then you can decide what to do about the hubs.

Don't lean into the future cat....you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, much less next month. FAke the holidays, fake your relationship, fake everything except what you are going to accomplish here. You have options...for yourself.

You didn't do anything wrong...you got mad and called him out. That shit happens to the best of us. He can kiss your ass for once. Don't show him anymore ideas on getting off drugs. If you leave him alone...he might come around. He might not. But....this is about you. Many peeps go thru this with reluctant family members....and you can too. :banghead:

You are stronger than you think. I have a great deal of faith in you, anna, mare, all the women that have to face this wondering if their families will ever speak to them again.

We all carry this load without understanding family members...even if they are helpful. Learn to reach out to others and leave hubs to figure this shit out for himself. It's possible he will see you do it and do it himself. BUT?...

Don't lean into the future...take this day to forgive yourself for speaking some truths.
10 yrs on methadone
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Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby CatsMeow » Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:24 pm

All good information cheeps. To be honest, I actually was speaking the truth. His truth. It was harsh. He's a very unhappy man in general.

I'm not trying to push him off of his drugs though. I learned a long time ago that it is futile. I tried to explain about mood swings while on subs so that he could understand that these things happen sometimes & are going to happen again in the future.

I'm pretty focused on myself right now. If he wants to sleep in the other bedroom then so be it. More room for me the dog & the cats...

Anna, I hope that you're getting support from your family. Do your best to keep the peace. I wouldn't want you to find yourself in the position that I'm in now dear.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 6:50 pm

My dearest Cat. I've had my share of issues with my husband. He tends to snap from time to time. When he does, he brings up all the shit from my past, and there's a lot of it. But I'm not that person anymore, so basically he is punishing me for getting strong, but not turning into who he thinks I should be. I usually let him rant and rave and then I let him stew. In a few days everything goes back to normal.

You are not responsible for your husband's happiness or for his unhappiness. Thats on him. And if he has a problem with drugs that he refuses to address, he's simply all fucked up. I know because I was him. I suspect that things will calm down. He is processing the things you said.

Right now you have one job, to get yourself healthy. Whatever that takes. You can't do anything for anyone until you are healthy and whole.It seems to me that you deserve some credit for actually addressing your own issue and taking on this Sub taper. Don't let him get to you. You're the most important person in your life.

I'm rambling again. Basically I'm trying to say that Cheeps is right.

I know I've been a bit MIA lately. Having real problems with my vision. I guess its the taper. Thats what Cheeps says and I am learning that she is pretty much always right.

Cheeps you're always right!!!

I love you both and I treasure being able to share my shit with you guys.

Cat, if you feel like PMing me, feel free. I always respond. I may have trouble lately keeping up with everyone's thread, even my own, but I'll always respond to a PM. I'm here for you. Relax, take care of Cat, let the husband do what he's gonna do, and don't take no shit, cause you don't deserve any. XOXO

Anna :banana:
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:07 am

Ok, so I hate the fucking 21st century. Please deliver me from the 21st century. I have avoided signing up for this stupid EZ Pass. I don't like it, I like giving my toll to the toll taker. But thats no longer an option. I use tolls maybe twice a year. So I am trying to sign up, have now filled in the online form 5 times and when I click to complete the process I get "System is not available. Try again later". What kind of shit is that???

I'm just very frustrated and annoyed and angry. Is this a function of my taper or my general distaste for all things computer age (SubSux exempted)?? The computer age was supposed to make things more efficient, but frankly it has been an epic fail.

Other than this particular pet peeve, I am ok. Last day on .6mg. Tomorrow I drop to .55mg. Today I think I may enjoy a cocktail a bit later on, because I'm just in a pissy mood.

I hope everyone is ok out there in SubSux land today. I will catch up on some threads later today.

Anna
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Wannabesubjumpa » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:12 am

Here's another hug :pash: - luv u Anna :D
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 3:03 pm

Tim, your post makes me feel much better. Thank you. I hope you're having a good day.

So. Let me tell you what happens when you spend a total of 4 hours on the phone and online
to finally get to a "customer service" rep (2nd one today), and you read them the riot act. You get results, thats what happens. I am the uber bitch when it comes to customer service people. My first order of business is to give them the definition of "customer service". Then I, very firmly, tell them not to give me any crap. They finally listen. The girl, Robin, who I was quite assertive/aggressive (6 of one, half a dozen of another) with seemed a bit cowed, but she took care of it. Bottom line; instead of spending 5 seconds of my life paying a toll taker, I spent 4 hours of my life trying to sign up for the not aptly named EZPass.

While I was engaged in the fruitless endeavor of having 21st century people understand 20th century people, my Roku started talking to me. Literally taking to me. More tech. It basically talked through everything I did. I tried to turn it off, even though I did not turn it on. I couldn't. Tried settings etc. No dice. So my son, who I begged, was able to turn it off, though he's not sure how he did so. All this happened while I was on "hold" with those fucking EZPass people.

So today has been one of those days where people like me try to navigate this futuristic world. Not fun. Am I a bitch?? Why yes, I am! But I apologized to Robin and explained my mindset. By the end she was very sweet and understanding. Cuz not only am I a bitch, I'm a really nice bitch. I just hate BS.

Fun fact. Whenever there is customer service stuff that needs to be done, for my husband or my son, or my daughter, they call on me. My husband calls me Bombolini. He says, "Bombolini, can you call these people?" Thats a reference to a great old movie. The Secret of Santa Vittoria (Anthony Quinn, Anna Magnani). If you've never seen it, see it. I am Rosa Bombolini.

I must be sounding quite mad, but I assure you I'm not. I was just raised in a different time. And I'm in the middle of a sub taper. Fuck Subs, fuck Freddy!!!

Stepping down to .55mg tomorrow. Whatever comes, I welcome it. I am so sure that I will complete this process because, I'm too much of a bitch not to. Can you imagine what i was like as an active Heroin/cocaine addict?? It wasn't pretty. But I survived. Most don't. I love my inner bitch. She doesn't appear often, but when she does, don't fuck with her!

Has my tone changed?

Long live bitches. We rock.

Anna
Last edited by Annalo57 on Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:09 pm

Once again, I guilty of ranting on SubSux. I can only apologize. I'm sorry.

This taper is all consuming. It colors everything. I am a raw nerve. I'm not having major physical shit. I sleep, but only with help from "comfort meds". That may be right or wrong. I don't really care. Insomnia is the worst and most manageable physical symptom so far. I still have the hint of the taper taste in my mouth but I've gotten used to it. Until that taste gets overwhelming....I know I'm good. Its actually nice to have such an accurate barometer to know when real physical wds will come.

But this mental shit!? This can get really fucking serious. Its like multiple personality disorder. One minute I'm coping pretty well, and the next, I'm freakin' crazy.

All I can say right now is that, if I couldn't just dump this shit, I'd have failed at this a long time ago. Thats what SubSux is here for. Its here for dumping, and for asking for help. For so long I thought there was no help for me. I was so wrong. The help is here. A place to have a truly dysfunctional voice with no judgements. I'm fairly cynical, so this means a lot to me.

Anna, The Raw Nerve
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:39 pm

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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:01 pm

Beethoven is dancing.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:02 pm

I'm on a roll

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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:12 pm

You can chuck the first 2 if you like, no accounting for anything. But that last one??? No way!!
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:24 pm

Taking my decrepit old ass to bed. Hope to sleep tonight with minimal help. Gotta get up early and drive the Long Island Expressway. My favorite fucking thing. <sigh>

Yes, my name is Negative Nancy.

Anna all the bananas are rotten
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Mare » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:10 pm

Hey Anna! Just wanted to check in, say I'm reading your thread from page one and periodically checking your latest posts. I really relate with a lot of what you have to say. I sent you a PM, not sure if you saw it yet or not. Hit me back if you ever wanna chat. Hang in there lady. I'm proud of you. You're doing it! Feel free to dump at me whenever you like.

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Re: My liquid taper

Postby cheeps » Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:28 pm

Annalo57 wrote:Taking my decrepit old ass to bed. Hope to sleep tonight with minimal help. Gotta get up early and drive the Long Island Expressway. My favorite fucking thing. <sigh>

Yes, my name is Negative Nancy.

Anna all the bananas are rotten


naggin nancy......make some fucking naner bread!!! :nono: :lol:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby CatsMeow » Fri Dec 01, 2017 1:31 pm

Dearest Anna, I so understand your post. I get to the point where I am just a big 'ole pile of RAW NERVES. Sometimes it's not even the physical that gets me. It's the mental.

Thank God for SS. A good mental dump here can do wonders for a sub sucking low & slow taper. It's saved my ass more than once for sure. So all I can say is keep 'em coming. We can take it. We need to know the truth. The truth shall set us free (of subs).
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Dec 04, 2017 8:32 am

Hello my SubSux family. How is everyone today? I have dropped my dose to .55mg. This is day 4 and no major physical wd symptoms to report. Mentally I'm still on the rollercoaster, but thats ok. I managed to get some Christmas shopping done over the weekend, and i even wrapped a bunch of stuff. Usually I don't get to wrapping until late on Christmas Eve. I feel good about being a bit ahead of the game.

Thank you Mare, Cheeps and Cat for your continued support. Not sure where I'd be without you guys and all the other folks here.

The plan remains the same, I am moving forward.

Season's Greetings Everyone!!!


Anna banana :banana:
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby cheeps » Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:13 am

I hope you wrapped mine.....but it is illusive and unwrappable in truth.

I'm down to 50-55 and hanging on to the edges of sanity...I'm right there with you baby.
10 yrs on methadone
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Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:08 pm

Cheeps. You're going to be fine. Sanity is overrated anyway. Look at me, I'm a total nut case, but I'm ok. Except I'm practically blind. Seeing is overrated also. We just need to go with the flow and ride with the tide. Sooner or later this choppy sea will be in the rearview mirror.

XOXO :kiss:

Anna banana :banana:
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