My liquid taper

Sub Sucks and if you havent figured that out yet.. please read a few posts

Re: My liquid taper

Postby CatsMeow » Fri Oct 27, 2017 1:29 pm

Hi Anna. Glad to hear you're feeling well today after your drop to .75. Your demeanor seems good. I'm so glad for you! If there's one thing I've learned from reading the Threads here is to be patient & stay the course at all costs. I'm a rather impatient person myself so I expect to have some of the same reactions that you're having when I get so low.

I can feel a type of acceptance of the process deep down inside you now. I know you can't be feeling good at this point but you're just doing so darn good with your sloooooow taper! I just know that you are going to make it! You've got what it takes. :angel:

I wish I had an answer for the awful taste that you keep getting. I use Bioteen toothpaste, mouth wash & mouth spray all throughout the day. It especially helps after a cig.

Are you going out to Long Island any time soon? Seems like a great place to go & get away from the "rat race" in the City. I have a condo on the lake where I can go to get away from it all too. I'm hoping that will help during the process ahead.

I also want to be in as good a place as possible for Thanksgiving. Going to see family so I want to be the best I can be. Thank goodness I don't have to cook. Christmas may be a different story. Oh well, I'm getting ahead of myself. Will cross that bridge when it gets here.

I'm here for you Anna. PM me any time.
Cat
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Fri Oct 27, 2017 10:24 pm

CatsMeow,
Thank you for your lovely words of support. I love finding a new post on my thread. It helps so much when people weigh in. It just makes this process so much easier.

I'm going to Long Island next weekend. I have a whole big section of my yard that was dug up to remove Bamboo that encroached on my property from the neighbor. It was actually planted by the previous owner of that house years ago. Its illegal to plant now. Anyway it is freshly filled in with very nice new soil and I am going to plant Milkweed seeds. I'm hoping to start a nice patch for the monarchs to lay eggs on. So that should be fun. Unless the drop hits me, then it won't be so much fun. But I think its going to be ok. I don't know why I think that but i do. We shall see.

The weird thing about this icky taste in my mouth is that my mouth isn't dry at all. Its just this taste that never goes away completely. So everything i eat or drink tastes just a little funny. If wds get worse I know its going to come back strong. I remember years ago I was using Heroin and I was on Methadone and my husband took me to this doctor for the "rapid detox". They put you to sleep and pump you full of Naltrexone for like 6 hours. They said i'd wake up and not be sick. Well, trust me, I was very sick, pretty much full blown wds. I had this taste in my mouth then. It also impacts my sense of smell. I guess its just part of detoxing for me. It sucks though. But I'm dealing with it. That and the sleep issues are the hardest part of this so far. We will see what the future brings but I'm not stressing over it. Every day that I get through is a day closer to the end.

Anna banana :banana:
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby CatsMeow » Sat Oct 28, 2017 9:31 am

Sounds like you have a nice hobby going on there to save the Monarch Butterflies! That's just wonderful. I hope that your W/D's aren't that bad while you're on LI. You seem good today. It sure is good to hear. I hope this continues. I love your statement "Every day is a day closer to the end". This can apply to all of us that are tapering no matter where we are in the process. I'm going to hold onto that one.

I also like "Today I'm not going to worry about the things that I can't control". If I find my mind going all negative on me I try to remember this. I'm on Subs, want to get off, & that's it. Must continue to move forward!

Take good care of yourself & keep up the good fight!
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Sat Oct 28, 2017 2:29 pm

Cat,

I've come too far to turn back now. One day at a time, one drop at a time. One day will be the last day. With luck it won't be too bad.

Today I'm foggy but not too bad. A little mild RLS and of course the mouth thing which i guess is here to stay for the duration. Its not too bad right now but its there in the background. My own special variation on wds. How lucky can you get??? I only get to sleep with the help of one medication or another but i'm not worrying about that right now. I have one primary purpose, to get of Subs. The rest I will worry about after. I vary the meds I take, and the Xanax I take only every few days so as not to get too used to it or dependent on it. I think i'm ok.

Now i'm gonna take a nice hot shower to try and calm my legs.

Anna :banana:
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby CatsMeow » Sat Oct 28, 2017 3:01 pm

"One Day Will Be The Last Day". I love this Anna. I have felt some mild electrical shots down my legs when tapering. I'm thinking it's a very very mild case of RLS (but I don't know because I've never experienced RLS before). Nothing that I can't handle. I either take Calm Support or motrin & it goes right away. Have you tried either of those?

I really hate this thing with the awful taste in your mouth. I wish I had more advice to help you. One symptom that seems to get me is an ache in my upper back right below my shoulder blades. I take an aspirin for that one. I guess we all have our crosses to bear.

I'm so glad that you're getting some sleep even if you need a bit of help to do so. Insomnia is the worst thing IMHO. Maybe mine won't be so bad. I need to stop "leaning forward" I believe it is that cheeps says. I need to stay in the day & today is pretty good for me. I'll take it!

So go take that hot shower, calm those legs down & get out there & get your landscaping ready for those gorgeous Monarch Butterflies!
Best,
Cat
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Sun Oct 29, 2017 8:43 am

Greetings SubSux people.

Today is day 5 since I dropped from .8 to .75mg. Still feeling relatively stable. I'm sort of waiting for the shoe to drop, but maybe I'll get lucky. Not sure why I'm thinking that since historically my luck hs been pretty shitty. Perhaps I'm owed a bit of good fortune from the Universe. Then i think, well Anna, actually compared to a lot of people on this planet you have had it pretty good. Don't be so ungrateful. So many thoughts spinning through my brain all the time. I keep thinking abut what it will be like to be off this evil medication. Who will I be? What will I do? Will I find motivation to do something productive with the rest of my life? If so what will it be? It's been such a long time since I had any motivation. I look at photos of myself from when I was young and I realize I don't know that girl. Who the hell was she?? I vaguely remember some kind of motivation. Idk. Right now I'm just trying to stay in the day, to not get ahead of myself, and to practice more patience than I have ever had in my life. This is a learning experience.

I want to thank anyone who has ever taken the time to post on this thread. You have helped me more than you can possibly imagine. Before I found this forum I didn't really believe this could be done. Every time I tried to talk to my Dr about getting off the Subtext, he seemed pretty clueless. Now I have a plan, I've implemented that plan, and I'm sticking to that plan. I honestly have real belief that I can do this. It will take time but i can do it. That belief was given to me by the all folks here who have ether shared their own stories and/or commented on mine. So again, thank you. All of you.

Happy Sunday!!!

Anna banana :banana:
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby CatsMeow » Sun Oct 29, 2017 10:27 am

Oh Anna this is great news! You deserve it for your patience & determination! I truly believe that when you're done you will find many wonderful things in life to do & enjoy & give back to those that are deserving.

I'm especially excited to see how many Monarch Butterflies you can save. What a wonderful project.

Hope your day is great! We're here for you.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Sun Oct 29, 2017 2:36 pm

Actually its only day 4. So much for not getting ahead of myself. No matter, still on track.

Thank you Cat. :D
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:20 pm

cheeps wrote:Yep yep yep said ducky! Treasure the good hours. I'm going to Lynchburg today, not sure how much net time I'll get so pm me if you need a swift kick in the boondoggle! Love you Bananas!



Cheeps i didn't even see this post. But let me say thank you now for your always amazing and helpful support.

I think I'm doing ok. 4 days at .75mg. No increased wds yet. we shall see. I'm hoping that I might get a pass this round. Haha. How crazy am I???
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Sun Oct 29, 2017 11:13 pm

Annalo57 wrote:Then i think, well Anna, actually compared to a lot of people on this planet you have had it pretty good. Don't be so ungrateful. So many thoughts spinning through my brain all the time. I keep thinking abut what it will be like to be off this evil medication. Who will I be? What will I do? Will I find motivation to do something productive with the rest of my life? If so what will it be? It's been such a long time since I had any motivation. I look at photos of myself from when I was young and I realize I don't know that girl. Who the hell was she?? I vaguely remember some kind of motivation. Idk. Right now I'm just trying to stay in the day, to not get ahead of myself, and to practice more patience than I have ever had in my life. This is a learning experience.

Anna banana :banana:


You have a great attitude and spirit to all of this and it will serve you well, there's no substitute for it. You may not realize how little sub you're taking but 0.75 isn't much at all. Especially when you take 0.35 then 0.4. Remember that when you take 0.4, you are only getting 0.2 in 24-36 hours, so how much do you actually think you're getting right after you take it? Maybe 0.1 at most each time, that you feel right away? I remember the feeling of remembering what I was like when I was younger, 15 years younger, and now I am that person. My entire personality came back, for better and worse and I wouldn't have it any other way. The old you is waiting for you and will be back soon as you're ready. No better end than getting yourself + peace of mind. Life is too short not to have these things. Doing great Anna, stay on your schedule.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Wannabesubjumpa » Mon Oct 30, 2017 4:19 am

Heh Anna,
Wanted to pop into your thread and tell you that I think your doing great!! I read your last long post yesterday and man your attitude and determination is really showing through!! With that type of willingness and drive I don't see how u can be stopped... You will succeed and I wanted to say thankyou for sharing all your ups and downs, I've been in a bit of a tough stretch the past few days and reading your words yesterday really helped me push through!!!
Thanks T
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Oct 30, 2017 11:36 am

Cat, S4Seven, Wanna be. Thank you all for your words. Encouragement and validation are so key to this process. I will admit that you guys often make me cry. I need to hear the things you say. Tapering is lonely and I feel less alone when i hear from you guys. So thank you. I'm getting ready to go to the dreaded gym. I feel pretty good today so it won't be too terrible. I just hate it in there. Too many "in shape" people and too many mirrors for my liking. Also there's the actual exercise which I despise. But I go. Its sort of torture but i go.

I can't help wondering if I'll ever not feel so ugly. Vanity is a terrible thing. I wish i could not care about how people see me. I know that a lot of this is about childhood stuff. Its so funny that you can be 60 years old and still feel like that pretty little girl who didn't know she was pretty because her father kept telling her how ugly, fat and stupid she was. Parents do a number. But I'm proud to say i did not treat my own kids that way and they seem to know that they are good enough. I'm very grateful for that. They are great. So I have to live and be free of this evil Subs, so i can continue to watch them succeed.

Ok off to the torture chamber. Huzzah!!!

Anna banana :banana:
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby cheeps » Mon Oct 30, 2017 11:44 am

Boy....I relate to the father thing....eeeeesh.... :wave: :kiss:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby CatsMeow » Mon Oct 30, 2017 1:03 pm

Oh Anna, you broke the cycle & raised your kids the right way. Being there for them in the future is a great reason to stay the course. Just think of all the fun & exciting things you & your kids will be able to do when you have this shit off your back (or out of your brain).

So as I was reading your last post & you were headed to the gym & I was reaching for a small sweet treat (well a couple actually). Ugh. You're doing so good with the exercise! I'm so proud of you. I've got to get in better shape. I know I'm going to need it. You give me hope that I can do it too, even if I don't like it either.

I'm hoping to get a treadmill or exercise bicycle so I don't have to go to a gym. I hate them too. You're not alone in that!
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Oct 30, 2017 4:10 pm

Hey Cheeps. Please don't get me started the traumas visited upon me by my father. I could go on for days. Despite his cruelty and his many failures, I still love him and seek his approval, thuogh he has been dead since 2003. My mother was the kindest, most brilliant, most amazing person I ever knew, and a victim of my father's cruelty. She died suddenly in 1988 ( I was 6 mos pregnant with my son) and I have alway wished, it had been the other way around. I often wonder what life would have been like had it been the other way around. I think it would have been much different, better. Never mind, thats my core shit. We all have it. Not gonna belabor the point.

So I'll be honest here. My earbuds failed (big surprise) and i needed to go buy a pair for the fucking treadmill which I do after the weight training. So I went to Bed Bath and Beyond, then to Duane reade. It seems earbuds are an endangered species. In-between I saw a liquor store. So i admit I bought a pint. No big. Drank half, will save the other half. Probably not the best idea, but I feel a bit better. I'm not going on a binge so no worries. I'm too fucking lazy and uncomfortable going out to support a binge.

Cat, I would love to have a treadmill in the apartment but there's no room. So I go, do weights and then do the treadmill. It sucks the ass crack of an orangutan. But I seem to muddle through. If I could have one here I'd likely stay on it for multiple hours.

Just a short side not. i have been NY Rangers fan since I was 13 years old. A BIG fan. Unfortunately my team sucks the ass off and orangutan as well. So no relief there. Dammit!!!! I guess I'll just have to make due with me myself and I. I hope that will do it. :shrug: :shrug: :shrug: :shrug: :shrug: :shrug:
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Oct 30, 2017 4:31 pm

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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Oct 30, 2017 4:34 pm

Had to post that song cuz, aint no body's business if I do.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Oct 30, 2017 4:35 pm

One thing i am noticing. I don't want to hear music unless I've got 2 shots of Vodka in me. Then I can listen for hours on end. WTF is that about????
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Oct 30, 2017 5:08 pm

OK, i'll come clean. i drank half a pint. Its bad but then again its good, cos it gets me in touch with this person who is me. A lover of animals and of music and of movies and of my kids and of life. Ive been so far removed from these feelings. Its been a while since I let my guard down. Allowed myself to be who I am. I am not just this person who wants to get off Subs. I am so much more. I love things. Hard to feel it most of the time, but I do love things.

Sorry if this is an alcohol induced revelation, but its good. Not endorsing alcohol use in the least. i don't like or endorse alcohol. But there are times that it can be therapeutic. This is one of those times. Don't worry for me. This is not a habit. I just needed respite, and the opportunity was right in front of me. My son says, "go out, sit in the sun", but I know that I'm safer inside until this is over. I know I have to deal with the taper on my own. And I will. This was just an opportunity I could not let pass. I'm good I promise.

Sub taper is a rocky road. A few hours of relief is ok with me.

Please, if you are tapering, do not take my example. I just need to be honest somewhere, about everything. This is the place. ETOH is not a good idea. I'm just a very flawed human being with little tolerance for discomfort. I am not the poster child for good decisions. "Believe me!!"( as Mr Trump is so fond of saying). Sorry, just had to add that inappropriate political reference. But I don't lie.

If I have offended anyone, I apologize. Cheeps I'm ready for a dressing-down. have at it!!!
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Oct 30, 2017 7:26 pm

I have been chasing a fly for a while now. have an electric(batteries) tennis racket shaped fly killer. the fly is very smart. I've been chasing him all day but he keeps getting away. If I can't kill this fucking fly, I might lose my shit. How did flies get to be so smart????
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