My liquid taper

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My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Tue Sep 26, 2017 11:12 am

Hello Sub Sux people. Very grateful to have found this site. I am a recovering heroin addict. I've been on Subtext for years, not even sure how many at this point. I got down to 2mg a day 1 in the morning and 1 at night. I have recently started the liquid taper but I'm using mouthwash instead of alcohol. It seems to be working. I'm now at .5mg 2 x a day. In another week or so I'll go to .45mg. It's going to be a slow process because I cannot take the wds. I'm 60 years old, scared to death, and I just want to stop feeling like I'm dead inside. Some days I think I should just take all my comfort meds and call it a day. But then I think how cowardly that would be. I have a family. They don't know I'm on the subs, in fact I don't think they know what subs are. Its hard when you are trying to do this and look normal all the time. Very hard, but I'm going to give it my best effort. My name is Anna. I've been lurking in here for some time and have been PMing with Cheeps who is amazing. Thank you for creating this place. It's a godsend.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby cheeps » Wed Sep 27, 2017 10:37 am

There you are!! Ana...so glad you have reached out! Bravo!!

You are so smart to do this with mouthwash...that's a first here and a damn good idea!
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Wed Sep 27, 2017 9:20 pm

Thanks Cheeps. You gave me the courage to post in here. You've been an amazing support. I will keep this thread going and report on my progress. Here's to getting off this crappy medication. Sub really Sux!
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby freeagain » Thu Sep 28, 2017 10:23 am

Annolo57

Just wanted to say a quick welcome..

You definitely found the right place. (& Cheeps helped save my life-she's awesome)

You can do this.... I was where you are a few years ago & persevered to the other side.

Consider the next stage of your life a "practice" & a discipline" A new way of life as the old way of making ourselves feel good without doing the work at some point stops working.

You are one of the lucky ones who made it here. Many don't.

Everything you need is in these pages. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself and trust the process.

Your brain has an amazing capacity to heal.

Good luck,

FreeAgain,
Over 10 Years on sub (many at 32)
2.5 Years off the poison,
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Sep 28, 2017 5:12 pm

FreeAgain. Thank you for the words of support. Some days I feel like I can do this and some days I feel like I'll never get there. But I'm going to give it my best effort. I only hope thats good enough. I've never been very good at life in general. Today I'm just getting through the day. The liquid method seems to be the way to go. I am having a lot of trouble sleeping and the only time I seem to feel ok is when I'm sleeping. Waking hours are very difficult and there are so many of them. Some of it is me, and some of it is the stupid medication. I vaguely remember a time when I was ok. It seems like a very long time ago. All I want is to be able to smile again and not have it feel false. To get up and look forward to the day. I need to be patient, I know that. Anyway, still on .5mg 2 x daily. Though the liquid taper is good, I feel it's a bit imprecise, some gets lost in the cotton and some in my mouth. I'm using Subtext pills in mouthwash. It needs to be shaken well before taking it. So I'm measuring .5mg by the syringe, it could be a little less. I'm ok with that. Anxiety gets very high at times. But here I am, looking forward to a day when I might actually be free again. Again thanks for the support. And yes, Cheeps is a gift. So are you. <3
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Subverted » Fri Sep 29, 2017 4:25 am

Hello & Welcome,

I am DietDoc = Subverted

I read all your posts and you’ve written all the things I’m too afraid to write about myself. You have courage. You have strength. And now you have friends. We are all in this battle together; and together, we’ll win the war.

I hope to talk more. I haven’t slept in 5 days for more than 1 hour, so we have insomnia in common. And we’re about the same age and have been on the orange suck juice for a decade, Go Us!

So here’s my plan if you want in just let us know...Me, you, Cheeps, Mojo, Lucy, Maggy, Ginger (and a few others my brain is too swollen to recall the names of right now) are all going to meet on the observation deck of the Freedom Tower at One World Trade Center, NY, NY on May 1, 2018 where PSilver and Casey Neistat are going to begin shooting our documentary entitled: ‘Suboxone- Surviving The Lie’

You in? See the Freedom Tower thing is a metaphor, but it’s real, but it’s a metaphor.

Well anyway...I’m going to get out of this hot tub now and go pretend to sleep for a while. Keep writing, we’ll keep reading.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Fri Sep 29, 2017 6:07 pm

Subverted=Dietdoc. I've read your thread, not all of it but enough to know that we are very much the same. I am stuck between thinking that I might actually be able to do this and thinking it will never be possible. My mind goes from one end to the other. But Im here and I'm trying, and I guess that makes me ok for today. I can say that if I'm still here and if I'm not feeling like total shit on May 1, 2018, I'll be there to meet you guys. No one else can understand it. On the rare occasions that I've opened up to someone about this struggle, I've gotten the usual drivel. Be strong, think of the pay off, it will be over and you'll be fine, blah blah blah. All coming from people who do not know what real Opiate withdrawal is, let alone synthetic Opiate withdrawal. Oh they say, "I had a pill problem, I couldn't sleep without a pill but I just decided one day." Well, we know it's not that simple. People just don't understand. Unless those people are people like you. Here I've found people like me. It's a comfort to find people like me. This cannot be beat with 12 step meetings or bogus detox/rehab time. It's a beast of the most monumental proportions. It is THE BEAST.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I know my path is long, but I am going to walk it. If it becomes too hard to travel then I'll consider other options. But for now I'm walking the path, it's bumpy, thorny, full of unpleasant places, and it hurts. I hope to one day come out the other end and find the smoothly paved road that could be the rest of my life. Here's hoping.

Anna
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby cheeps » Sat Sep 30, 2017 7:46 pm

DD....come out, come out...wherever you,are!!!

Quit looking at fucking porn you preverted, subvented, over achieving, tee shirt stinking hunk of sub burning lout.

Just thought I'd say hi. :mrgreen:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Sun Oct 01, 2017 9:05 am

lolololol
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby maggiemay » Sun Oct 01, 2017 2:11 pm

Hello Subverted count me in at OWTC in 2018. Although I have no clue where ill be in this process.
Anna- How long did it take you to get to 2mgs aday? I am sorry if you posted this already, if you have I cant find it.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:28 pm

Maggiemay. I was at about 16mg a day but I did not allow myself to stay there. I dropped to 4mg really fast, like within a month. No real ill effects, just some sleep issues. I was taking 2mg in the morning and 2 at night. From there it only took a few weeks to get to a quarter of a pill which is .5mg 2 x daily. But I could never get below that because I couldn't break the pills up small enough. Thats why I'm trying the liquid method. It allows me to (in an imprecise fashion) go down by very small increments.

Ive learned that 2mg of this medication is a big dose. 32mg is a dose no one should ever take, definitely not for any long period of time. The lies about BUP, the hope they gave people!!! It makes me so fucking angry!!! :evil: It's worse than methadone and I never thought I would say such a thing. But it is. Give yourself all the time you need. There is no protocol for this. No detox/rehab/doctor knows how to do this. We have to figure it out on our own. And so we will.

I am with you!!!!!!!
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Tue Oct 03, 2017 4:35 pm

Well, it appears that no one is reading my thread. If they are they are not responding. I gotta say, HELP!!!!! I just went from .5 2 x daily to .45 2 x daily and I am edgy as hell, the left foot is going a mile a minute, smoking too much and drinking to take the edge off. I have comfort meds, but I don't want to take them for 2 reasons. !. I'm going to need them at the end, a lot. And 2. If I take them every dy they stop working. ETOH(aka alcohol) does not require a script and it takes the edge off. It makes you fat and I could end up with he DTs but for now it seems to be the best thing to keep me from going back up to 2mg a day. I WANT OFF THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!! I WANT OFFF!!!! If I can't get off I am afraid of what I am willing to do to stop the fucking pain. Everything is connected.. My Heroin dealer has my number for 20 years. He texts me every month, "r u ok?" I say yes. I'm good. But I'm not. I"M NOT!!!!!!!!! I don't want o give in to him. He's waiting like a fucking viper. He knows that I could give in in a heartbeat and all the pain would go away. For a day, then another day............then for the rest of my life. I need your help. I need to hear that this is possible. Please help me.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Tue Oct 03, 2017 7:27 pm

No one is here. I know how I sound. But i need a word or two of encouragement.. Not sure if there's anywhere to find it. Not sure of anything.... except how I feel. Not sure there are words for that. I'm asking, please, a little help. Just a little. :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :gaah:
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Wannabesubjumpa » Wed Oct 04, 2017 5:00 am

Ana,
My name is Tim a.k.a wannabesubjumpa. I've been following your thread and just about anything and everything else being written on this forum. I'm right here in the same boat as you. I've been taking .375 slit into two doses for 15 days now, and every day is a struggle at times. I can so relate to what you said about having a family and trying to act like everything is normal all the time, it's extremely exhausting !! I too have comfort meds, and when the restless legs get going man it's all I can do to not take them for some relief!!! But just like you I'm going to need them in the end so I've been smoking mj and it's been taking the edge off somewhat. The thing I've always hated the most about sub is how I isolate myself.. I just wanted to tell u your not alone here and I really understand the ups and downs your dealing with..please hang in there.. you can do this!!!

T
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Wed Oct 04, 2017 7:16 am

Tim,
Thank you for responding. Thank you for your words of encouragement. They will see me through the day.

I have to be honest, I'm filled to overflowing with self-loathing. Every day I have this conversation with myself. Is today the day i just call it quits and go. I can take all the comfort meds I have and been done. Sometimes it is so very tempting. this depression is so intense. And then there's the physical stuff. The anxiety, the left leg ( for some reason it is my left leg that starts) going, the restlessness, but no energy to do anything. The constant smoking which is going to probably kill me anyway. IDK. I went through a Meth/Heroin detox 20 years ago and it was just the worst thing I can think of. I don't know if I can do that again. I was 39 at the time. Now I'm 60 and I know this is going to be really hard. There's the other option of just accepting that I'll need to stay on this fucking Subtext til I die. But I don't want that. I'd rather die now. I know how all this sounds, but these are my honest thoughts. There is no place else to express them.

I am just so fucking unhappy. I know I did this to myself and I know there are people/children on this planet that are suffering real horrors, starving, and dying from treatable diseases.I feel so selfish. That fuels the self-loathing. I don't know how I ended up here. I have never been very good at life. Clearly!!!! Not sure I belong here.. Is this the Subs talking or is it me??? IDK anymore. I just know that trying to do this with no support at home, because they don't know and won't understand, seems almost undoable. They didn't really understand it the first time. They certainly won't get it now. There will come a time n this process that my husband is going to ask me what the hell is wrong with me. What do I tell him. I'm hooked on Meds that keep me from using heroin?? If I tell him that...i know how he would take it. Not well is my thinking. Not well at all. I can't fight with him, I don't have the energy.

Anyway, I come here everyday a few times a day to read other threads and to find some hope. Today YOU gave me hope. I thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart. Maybe we can do this together.
Anna
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Wannabesubjumpa » Wed Oct 04, 2017 8:15 am

Heh Anna,
I'm so glad that you replied to my post, at this point I think both you and I need all the support we can get..at the end of my last post I said "you can do this" but what I should of said is " we can do this" cause I'm right there with you. I have these racing thoughts all day long, one minute I feel like I can't be stopped the next I feel so depressed and want to give in as well. The one thing I try to do is tell myself constantly that this is all part of the process and it's just the devil sub talking. I also know what u mean about having no energy to do anything, I've been working out for the last 4-5 months 3-5 times a week and as I have gotten lower and lower it has been so hard to keep going. Most days I have to drag myself in there and it does help even if I'm kinda going through the motions in there. Are you Exercising at all? Even small walks seem to help I find.

I too drop in here a couple times a day, and I can relate to a lot of what your saying. You do belong here, you seem like a really cool person and it is the sub talking. You and I have similar situations at home as well, my wife knows I'm on suboxone but has no clue what I'm really dealing with. I'm so afraid that if she only knew the real things that were running through my head daily she would run for the hills!! Well gotta go for now cause I'm at work, but u hang in there!!! Your stronger than u give yourself credit for and we will all get off this shit together!!
Ttyl, Tim
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Wed Oct 04, 2017 9:41 am

Hey Tim.

First let me say that I am impressed that you manage to go to work during this process. I actually took early retirement last March. It was getting harder and harder to go to work and focus on the job. I am grateful that i don't have to go to work while trying to do this. It's funny you mention exercise. My husband and my son are both fitness nuts and Personal Trainers. So I have been going to the gym 3 mornings a week with my son as my trainer. I hate every millisecond of it. I've never been one for exercise, but this getting old shit is not going well for me, so I go. I don't know if it's helping me in any way. I just know I hate it, but I go so my son makes a few extra dollars.

The days are so long. Lots of anxiety. The nights are fitful at best. I need to take something or I don't sleep at all. Sometimes meds work, sometimes they don't. <Sigh> I guess that i need to focus on today and not worry about tomorrow. But thats hard. My brain is programmed to pathologically fear wds. So i think my brain makes the symptoms worse than what they are. Sometimes I feel, ok I can do this and other times I feel like I'll never be able to do this. I'd like to be put in a medically induced coma for a month or two while I'm detoxed.. Wouldn't that be awesome???? To wake up and be free!!!!

Anyhow, thanks for checking in with me. Don't work too hard. Try to have a good day. Will talk again soon. We can do this!!! Thats how I feel at this moment.
Anna
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby cheeps » Wed Oct 04, 2017 10:01 am

Anna baby....I love you as dearly as I can from here. :kiss: :banghead: Yes, most of the self loathing is frank m the sub, the emotional n shit it puts you through is unmerciful at this point. Now you have a jumpbuddy in Tim and that is precious.

You deserve good things and I'd love to say you will get your hearts desire.....but honesty is the best policy. Those good things are on the other side and you aren't these yet. You are going to be though...you are going to make it. It isn't time to off yourself...I say the same thing when I'm in active taper or wds. It would be easier to die but we aren't wired to do that.

I think getting off sub and meth are the tests of a lifetime....tests we were never meant to go through.

Stop hating yourself for today. Just live in this day and find three small little things that are beautiful, necessary, or whimsical....write them down.

Mine are...

Talking to you.
My coffee
And the crows cawing because fall has finally come.

You have meaning in this life...you see it as all in the past and hate that you can't help someone now.

But by posting here....you are helping everyone that reads your thread....even if they are too shy or not registered and are lurking...as you did for a while. Your honest thoughts on suicide are bald and heart rending....and we've all thought the same....why does sub have to act on our kappa receptors and drive us to despair? That is the evil that big pharma never considered, studied, and if they did....don't give a shit. :banghead: :banghead: :gaah: the fuckers just churn it out and rake in the cash. :evil:

I have to smile at you hedging your bets with the lord. I have a friend here from Syracuse ny, raised a good catholic boy who does the same...we've had several discussion on the what if's. For what it's worth...if there is a god...they don't know shit about opiates....or there would be a detox center in Ohio, Massachusetts, and Florida with a halo over it. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Instead we have this ramshackle little place on the internet called SubSux. You found it....so you found a god on earth. By posting here and reaching out to others, letting your story be heard...you are that god. Goodness comes from within. You are good. If you off d yourself tomorrow....your aura is here to stay. Your footprint is in this hard clay. Your life remains as a testimony to help others. Now if what I've just said doesn't sit well with others....they can kiss my rosie hemorrhoid a thousand times. :nono: :nono:

Every word, every emotion, every thought you post here....as well as all the others who go thru this PROCESS is a huge huge help, blessing, gift....whatever you want to call it to the peeps who are destine to follow you. And there will be thousands. :gaah: :gaah: :gaah: :gaah: :gaah: :gaah: :thumbdown:

Never feel like you are alone because really....whether someone posts or just reads...you are in someone thoughts and prayers...always. :kiss:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby cheeps » Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:48 am

10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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cheeps
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby cheeps » Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:55 am

This is my favorite song behind Question.....I thought of you and this song when we met.

This was my go to music when my brother died. I was 16 and he commit suicide. I carry him on my back always....he's my love and I don't have words for it....just music.


10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
User avatar
cheeps
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Posts: 9349
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

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