Day 10 after 7 yrs

Sub Sucks and if you havent figured that out yet.. please read a few posts

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Oct 09, 2017 6:27 am

Hello Sub4sevenyrs,
My name is Anna, my thread is "My liquid taper" by Annalo. I was reading through your thread and I found myself relating to so much you said and inspired to get where you are. I have been on Subs for more years than I can actually count. For many years it was ok, I functioned, I worked and I took care of myself and my family. Then it changed and I began to feel like a walking corpse. The past few years I have been terrible. At first I thought it was me. The I figured out it was the Subs. And it was a big secret, no one knew. Recently I've told a couple of people. This past weekend after some drama and me losing my shit and being a bitch, I told my family. The relief is so great. I don't have to pretend I'm ok any more. I'm down to .44mg 2 x daily. It's a slow and sometimes tedious process. But I'm going in the right direction and I hope to someday, in the not too distant future, to join you in freedom. Thank you for being an inspiration. I think we all need to hear the stories of success. Cause this shit is difficult. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks to you. And of course thanks to Cheeps, for without her I would never have posted anything on this forum.
Have a great day!!! :)
Anna
Annalo57
 
Posts: 262
Joined: Thu Jun 08, 2017 8:13 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby cheeps » Wed Oct 11, 2017 9:42 am

How's the studies going? Just checking in with you...I hope you are busy! :cheers2:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9685
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Wed Oct 18, 2017 12:11 am

Hey Anna, thank you for the comments, always great to hear someone relate. yea once the subs turn on you, it's a whole different ballgame. If you're only taking 0.44mg twice per day, that's about where I jumped so you can definitely do this within 6-12 months. Don't do it until you're really ready, but don't wait one minute too long once you are. It wasn't that hard, it really was harder to stay on the subs. Feel free to ask me anything, comment on anything and I'm here to help just as everyone else here is. Getting down to less than 1mg/day is a huge accomplishment, you are already 75% of the way there at that point.

Cheeps, the studies are going shitty. I get frustrated easy, I have no patience and I'm tired, lol. But I've realized all this and I just need to be better, more perseverance, more determination, more focus. But at the end of the day, it's not the most important thing, I will do my best (for that day) and accept it and move on to another day of life sub free. I don't wake up angry, actually my anger is pretty much nonexistent at this point and I was at a point where I was nasty to everyone on a regular basis. Just glad to have my teenage-personality back. I'm me again, that's all I wanted.
Sub4Sevenyrs
 
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:31 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby cheeps » Wed Oct 18, 2017 10:04 am

Sub4/7... that's good to hear...you are making progress and that is what counts. Your acceptance will see you through to equilibrium...each day is time away and that's a healing that you are allowing by being gentle with yourself.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9685
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Mon Oct 23, 2017 4:10 pm

I've calmed down now, I was heavy once into drugs
I could walk around straight for 2 months with a buzz
-Eminem

Well, the honeymoon period is over. Trying to get used to being so blah. It's actually working. More stable, not as many ups and downs. Until next time...
Sub4Sevenyrs
 
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:31 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 26, 2017 2:09 pm

Hey Sub47. Thank you for your comment and your support. I am now down to .35mg in the AM and .40 in the PM. I just started that today. Down from .40 twice a day. I've been feeling crappy most of the time, but it is manageable. You definitely know the drill so I won't elaborate. Just anted to say thank you, though I should have done so sooner.
Have an up day!!
Anna :banana:
Annalo57
 
Posts: 262
Joined: Thu Jun 08, 2017 8:13 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:06 pm

Month 5

:banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:
:shred: :shred: :shred: :shred: :shred:

Today is 5 months, big deal. 6 months is creeping up and that's a huge one. I think I'm going to have to celebrate in some way. Thing is...How do you celebrate? I used to celebrate major things by getting major high but that's probably something you can relate to if you're on this page so why am I asking you anyway? lol. Ideas anyone? How do people have fun? I used to have fun hanging out with a lot of friends or playing sports but I don't have any friends and I don't play sports anymore. SOOOOOOOOOO yea, yay 5 months. :laughpound:

On another note, feels weird to write month 5 on a "Day 10" thread. Do people just rename the thread? How does all that work usually?
Sub4Sevenyrs
 
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:31 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Fri Nov 17, 2017 3:57 am

More time = More emotional stability. Can someone let me off this coaster already?
Sub4Sevenyrs
 
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:31 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby cheeps » Fri Nov 17, 2017 11:21 am

Sub4Sevenyrs wrote:More time = More emotional stability. Can someone let me off this coaster already?


The good ole blah plateau.....months ago you yearned for it....now that it's here....wellll....blaaaaahhhh. The solution? Interact with people and read some Tom Rath. Basically you are having to find very small instances of good shit and learning to appreciate them. What to do with time? What to do with that good old shitty feeling of, what next?

It comes from within but being around people that are like minded helps. Spend time helping kids, helping old people...helping animals. This where hobbies come in too. You have to learn to do shit that's not on the honeydew list. Do something for yourself.

Make something. Look out at the day and find two small things to marvel over. Open doors and smile at people. Speak a few words when you normally wouldn't.

The healing is taking place. And yes, it's boring. :lol:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9685
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub zero » Fri Nov 17, 2017 11:36 am

cheeps wrote:The good ole blah plateau.....months ago you yearned for it....now that it's here....wellll....blaaaaahhhh.


LOL I never thought of it that way, but in hindsight, that's exactly what it is. Even though its been like 7 freakin years since I quit...I do remember reaching that point where I thought "is this all the better it gets?". I remember thinking that I actually felt better earlier on when I was still in withdrawal - at least then I could feel my progress. There also comes a time in the process when you lose your quit date as a reference point and you stop counting the months, the years. Today if someone asks me how long I've been clean...I have to look up my quit date and do a little math in my head.
Methadone free since 8/15/2010...Sub free since 9/28/10...Alcohol free since 10/4/16
Sub zero
 
Posts: 1269
Joined: Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:03 am

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Mon Nov 20, 2017 3:53 am

ok Cheeps is like a sub-psychic. I do all those things, I talk to people I encounter at school like I know them just to get some social interaction (some people think I'm weird but I think they're weird too so we're on the same page), I hold doors open for an extended period, I always looked at the sky, especially on those cold clear nights. I'm from NYC but moved upstate at 20, the stars were always something I was fond of seeing after taking an astronomy class 5 years ago. There's so much artificial light in the city and when combined with the smog/car exhausts/pollution, stars don't even exist so I always liked that about upstate. Want to take a trip out West to get an even better look someday. Also noticing my sense of smell is hyper aware, like to the point of disgust. Another thing Cheeps said many months ago that I'm just becoming wise to. Sub-psychic.

What's weird about this blah period is you establish a "normal". It's kind of nice because it breeds confidence since everything is less stimulating and easier to manage but I thought I'd be able to be this "efficient machine" when I got off subs, like I'd be able to get shit done 12 hours a day. It's more like 6 hours chopped into pieces. and I really don't care, that's the unsettling part. But I guess that's the definition of Blah.
Sub4Sevenyrs
 
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:31 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Mon Nov 20, 2017 4:06 am

Sub zero wrote:
cheeps wrote:The good ole blah plateau.....months ago you yearned for it....now that it's here....wellll....blaaaaahhhh.


LOL I never thought of it that way, but in hindsight, that's exactly what it is. Even though its been like 7 freakin years since I quit...I do remember reaching that point where I thought "is this all the better it gets?". I remember thinking that I actually felt better earlier on when I was still in withdrawal - at least then I could feel my progress. There also comes a time in the process when you lose your quit date as a reference point and you stop counting the months, the years. Today if someone asks me how long I've been clean...I have to look up my quit date and do a little math in my head.


I'm know I'm just going to get better and better, I mean I could use some years-time after a long haul like I did so early in life. I just thought I'd be able to get my body to do more at this point, it's kind of like a lump of shit I have to drag around and give pep talks to all the time. But I always know when the next month is up bc I quit on the 1st...June 1st 2017. Smiling now because I think I'll be remembering that date for a long time and it's a solid stepping stone. The progress does come mega slow though, but I'm still seeing it month to month for now.
Sub4Sevenyrs
 
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:31 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub zero » Mon Nov 20, 2017 8:58 am

Don't be discouraged if the PAWS sneak up on you. They got me at around the one year mark. I got up one morning feeling achy and like I was wearing the "lead suit"...and I was like "WTF...how can this be....I've been clean and feeling good for months??" Fortunately, the PAWS are short-lived and shallow.
Methadone free since 8/15/2010...Sub free since 9/28/10...Alcohol free since 10/4/16
Sub zero
 
Posts: 1269
Joined: Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:03 am

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Tue Nov 21, 2017 12:34 am

Sub zero wrote:Don't be discouraged if the PAWS sneak up on you. They got me at around the one year mark. I got up one morning feeling achy and like I was wearing the "lead suit"...and I was like "WTF...how can this be....I've been clean and feeling good for months??" Fortunately, the PAWS are short-lived and shallow.


haha man thanks for the heads up. If i woke up to the lead suit one day out of nowhere I would definitely freak. That's just unfair. Like, Time out for a sec.
Sub4Sevenyrs
 
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:31 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Mare » Sun Nov 26, 2017 3:25 am

Hey sub4seven. Just did a deep dive into your thread.. man! What a journey! So proud of you! Definitely relate to your history leading up and all the reasons for wanting off. You have a couple years on me agewise but everything else described is the same for me... In a weird, fucked up way it's super comforting to feel like you're not alone in this.. even though there's so many people around and so many stories to read, they don't always have that effect..

Only big difference is my sub use has only been two years. Crossing my fingers it doesn't rip me apart for as long as the detoxes did you. Really motivated to try a slower taper now cause I'm a big wimp and I've never got past day 3 on any SAOs, let alone LAOs..

Really hoping I can do a taper lower than 1mg. I worry for the same reasons you expressed somewhere around page 5 regarding never really feeling stabilized as you get lower. Guess all I can do is see what happens on my ride and stop worrying about the future.

Let me say I'm just in awe at how you managed. It's so cool to see what a person can do when they have the determination to make a change. Grateful to have been able to ride all the highs and lows of your ride so far here. Your success brings me hope

Hope you're doing well today, 6 months is right around the corner for you!

Mare
Heroin free since Sept 6, 2015
Methadone free since Dec 10, 2015

Currently tapering off Subs
User avatar
Mare
 
Posts: 157
Joined: Wed Nov 22, 2017 5:52 am
Location: California

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:26 pm

Thanks Mare. I really had no choice, once those subs turn on you it's all downhill. I was always focused internally on my physical/emotional incompetency that I would often miss what was going on right in front of my face. My coping skills included nothing more than isolating myself and medicating. It became impossible to progress in any facet of my life with that kind of behavior every single day. Constant interruption to the progress in my life to the point where it became more chaos than routine. Don't get me wrong, subs did provide a foundation for me to jump off of, before that I was just sinking in quicksand. But you know when it's been too long. Thanks for the kind words, don't worry about the 1mg jump, it's easy once you can cut the chord. Just get as close as you can to zero and you'll be fine wherever you jump.
Sub4Sevenyrs
 
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:31 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Mare » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:22 am

Agree agree agree and agree on all that. I used to be so social and I went out every weekend.. now it's a big deal to go to the movies for me. I was able to make some really positive changes by moving on to subs but the time has come and like you said it's turned on me. Ready to move on and figure out how to actually live my life instead of just putting it all on hold. H was like holding hands with death. Subs was like putting death on hold. Now it feels like putting life on hold. Ready to push away from that feeling. We only have so much time here on Earth, I don't wanna put it all on hold anymore.

Stay strong and keep your head high and keep kicking ass. You're almost to 6 months!
Heroin free since Sept 6, 2015
Methadone free since Dec 10, 2015

Currently tapering off Subs
User avatar
Mare
 
Posts: 157
Joined: Wed Nov 22, 2017 5:52 am
Location: California

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Eyedotz » Mon Nov 27, 2017 8:13 pm

Hey dotz, I'm about to round the 6 month mark and I'm finally getting some real emotional/mental stability. I never felt like a trainwreck but some of the thoughts I had in the last 6 months were questionable at best, very vulnerable too. Does it just get better from here in that aspect? Memory is getting better too, I know my memory is on point when I get that deja-vu feeling, but it's few and far between. Is this just how it goes from now on? Really slow, might get some back, might not? Or can I still expect a steady incline even if it's a really small rate?


Hey s4s,
Thanks for posting on my jump thread dude. I've been watching yours too and super happy you're almost at 6 months! To answer your questions, yes it does get better. It is slow but if you look back you'll notice obvious steps towards homeostasis. For me, the hardest part was getting to know who I was. For the longest time, I felt like I was dropped into someone else's body. It's like I still knew everything I knew before but I felt different about everything. The vulnerability was harsh, to say the least. I was really sensitive to things like anger and rejection...it was really hard for a while. I have adjusted but it takes time to learn the skills in dealing with life without being fucked up or having a 'fix' on the back burner. My memory and problem solving is much better than the early days. You will be just fine man.

I remember when I was tapering I thought, "oh, I can handle emotional stuff just fine, it's the physical I can't handle."....how fucking WRONG I was about that. That original thought was coming from 'the me' that didn't have a clue what emotions actually were. I had nothing to compare it to because it had been over 20 years without actual emotions and being embedded with zombie emotions instead. It's so hard to explain unless you've been there. Honestly, the emotional shit really snuck up on me and I had to figure out a lot of stuff I didn't think I needed to. I think it has to be this way though, we have to learn to be human beings again...from the ground up.

Hugs dude,
~dotz
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
User avatar
Eyedotz
 
Posts: 511
Joined: Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:16 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:11 pm

Eyedotz wrote:I remember when I was tapering I thought, "oh, I can handle emotional stuff just fine, it's the physical I can't handle."....how fucking WRONG I was about that.


Thanks for the reply dotz, was a great one. Yea I thought exactly the same, just get through the physical, the emotional will be whatever but man, it's been anything but whatever. The vulnerability is rough, the constant insecure thoughts, mind rambling trying to process the last 10 years of "memories". and I'm lazy, rarely have energy to do much but I also have intestinal issues which is draining. It might sound worse than it is bc even though dealing with all these things is shitty, I still feel like I have a center, something holding it all together. I also have a sense of normalcy, of "what things are supposed to be", solid ground.
Sub4Sevenyrs
 
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Jun 10, 2017 11:31 pm

Re: Day 10 after 7 yrs

Postby cheeps » Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:59 pm

This probably the best thread on the forum for explaining the mental mindfuck of sub withdrawal. Everything you guys post is so precious...worth more than money can buy. If I could I'd stickie the bastard but my permissions are ass backwards. :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

Please please continue this thread...it is so valuable to people after they jump.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9685
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

PreviousNext

Return to Sub Sux

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron