My Taper Journal

Sub Sucks and if you havent figured that out yet.. please read a few posts

Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Wed Nov 01, 2017 12:51 am

.4 mg/day buprenorphine
.75 tid benzodiazepine

Dear Suboxone,

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

I am so sick and tired of thinking and talking about FUCKING SUBOXONE. I can’t wait for that day I can finally write that one post. You all know what post I’m talking about. I want to write that post. I’m just so sick of waiting to restart my life.

I told my family I may not make it to Thanksgiving this year due to some travel plans. But of course it’s becasue I have no idea how I’m going to feel from one day to the next. I’m tired of the lack of reliability and predictably of how I’ll be able to function. I just want a sense of normalcy back.

I’m going to get back into my uber healthy lifestyle (no meds, lots of water, zero processed foods, intense stretching regime etc etc). I’ve let my lifestyle slip...all part of the big benzo bozo move. My belief is if you feel your best in all the ways you can control you’ll be in the best position to handle feeling your worst from what you can’t control.

Time to set myself up for the final push. It would be so great to be living an uber healthy lifestyle on the day I get to write that one post that I dream about. That one post that will finally end this battle and win this war.
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Buprenorphine: 9+ years @ 16 mg/d ave. - Tapering @ < .5 mg/d
Alprazolam: Tapered off May 2016 - Started again October 2017 currently tapering
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Annalo57 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:35 am

Hey DD. I'm pretty much feeling just like you today. This day is not going so well. Its so strange cuz yesterday I felt pretty good. I just can't wait for the day that this is over. I have no clue when that will be, but I hold onto it. I hold on because my life depends on it. Stop beating yourself up. You've made good progress. You've had some setbacks but your still on the path. Give yourself a break. If this was easy, we wouldn't need SS. I'm here if you need to vent.

Anna
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby CatsMeow » Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:41 am

Hey DD we all understand your frustration. I love this statement "My belief is if you feel your best in all the ways you can control you’ll be in the best position to handle feeling your worst from what you can’t control."

This is really profound. One of my favorite sayings is "Today I will not worry about the things I can't control". I'm a bit of a nervous, high strung kind of person (which translates into I have a problem with worrying). When my brain goes there I say this to myself until I believe it.

I think you should absolutely get into your healthy lifestyle, ie. those things that you can control. I can't believe how fast you're dropping the benzos. I've been on them for so long there's no way I could do it that fast. But yours was a short slip up & you're doing a great job over coming it.

I know you're tired of not having control over your life right now. I wish I had the words to say, but I just don't. This is really hard shit. We're here supporting you in any way we can. Keep up the good fight. You're going to win this time.
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:23 pm

Thanks for noting my statement about take control of what you can so you’re in the best shape...

So tomorrow is .75 .5 .75 mg of Xanax....that’s 2 mg per day which is pretty good considering less than 2 weeks ago I was on 12-16 mg per day. If my basic schedule works I’ll be totally off Xanax mid December and totally off Buprenorphine mid February. Hahahahahaha. We’ll see.

In an effort to start getting into a super hero lifestyle I stopped Excederin and all caffeine 48 hours ago. I became addicted to Excederin (again) around June, so about 5 months of 4-8 Excederin per day, plus coffee and tea. Between the extreme insomnia related fatigue and headaches I figured Excederin was the least concern. But everyone agrees not to consume any caffeine while tapering on any opiate.

I have been consuming massive amounts of acetaminophen and aspirin along with huge quantities of caffeine everyday for many months. If you ever want to know what a miginure goes through, do that and stop cold turkey. It’s fun, it’s like a kidney stone in your brain!

It’s like I need to punish myself. It’s pure pain. Stomach turning, every breath hurts kind of pain. And it’s been going on for the past 48 hours. Other than Motrin Type meds I can’t (or won’t) take anything for the pain. It’s like quitting smoking - make it through the first 72 hours and you’re done. But you have be willing to look Pennywize directly in the eyes and show him you’re not afraid of clowns. One tat clown senses any fear, you’re done.

I made it 2/3 or more of the way to the other side of the cold turkey caffeine migraine so I’m too far to shut it down with Starbucks.

Gotta take charge and control what you can. Next is tightening up my diet. I’m like a gynecologist with a bad yeast infection. Then more physical activity. Maybe less TV eventually...no, forget that one!

Keep soldering on everyone. The first annual sub-survivors meet-up in NYC next May is coming and you’re all meeting me at the Freedom Tower bitches!

Peace.
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Buprenorphine: 9+ years @ 16 mg/d ave. - Tapering @ < .5 mg/d
Alprazolam: Tapered off May 2016 - Started again October 2017 currently tapering
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Nov 02, 2017 10:16 pm

HEY SDD, I'm here with you. dealing with the day to day shit that is just a part of this taper process. Luckily I switched to decaf and have not had a problem, no headaches after years of multiple cups of caffeine a day. Can't believe i actually caught break regarding something, but i did. Its a pretty new sensation. I think you can too.... if you stop monitoring every single substance that you take in down to the milliwhatever. . Its all about Subs my man. "If you can make it there"....... you know the song right? Maybe I'm overstepping or sticking my nose in where it ain't wanted. Thats ok.

Just saying". RELAX!!!! You are one of my mentors whether you like it or not. So chill out and let yourself do this thing, one thing at a time. We are all here with you.


BTW I'm considering the quit smoking thing ("look Pennywise in the eyes...."). But If it doesn't work out, thats ok too. Just want off these Subs. the rest will come later.

Anna the rotten :banana:
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Sub4Sevenyrs » Sat Nov 04, 2017 3:49 am

Subverted DietDoc wrote:.4 mg/day buprenorphine
.75 tid benzodiazepine

Dear Suboxone,

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

I am so sick and tired of thinking and talking about FUCKING SUBOXONE. I can’t wait for that day I can finally write that one post. You all know what post I’m talking about. I want to write that post. I’m just so sick of waiting to restart my life.

I told my family I may not make it to Thanksgiving this year due to some travel plans. But of course it’s becasue I have no idea how I’m going to feel from one day to the next. I’m tired of the lack of reliability and predictably of how I’ll be able to function. I just want a sense of normalcy back.

I’m going to get back into my uber healthy lifestyle (no meds, lots of water, zero processed foods, intense stretching regime etc etc). I’ve let my lifestyle slip...all part of the big benzo bozo move. My belief is if you feel your best in all the ways you can control you’ll be in the best position to handle feeling your worst from what you can’t control.

Time to set myself up for the final push. It would be so great to be living an uber healthy lifestyle on the day I get to write that one post that I dream about. That one post that will finally end this battle and win this war.


Bro this was the best post I've seen you write. The raw emotion, the anger, the TRUTH and the part where if you feel your best in the ways you can control it will definitely help the ways you cannot. All those little things help, the better health your body is in (hydration, diet, etc), the better mood you will be in and the easier it is to handle the mental lows. But put your mental energy to ONE THING, your taper. If you've succeeded in that for the day, you need to be content with the day. Don't be a perfectionist. The fact that you already know you may not make Thanksgiving is honest, you aren't sure what state you will be in and if you'll feel like doing anything. That's acceptance my man. It's all part of the plan whether you know now or not. And don't be surprised if you never write that one last post, bc you may have written it already. It's these type of posts that matter most, the rest is just counting. 0.4 is incredible. KEEP GOING UNTIL YOU ARE READY. And if I could just make a suggestion, forget about the xanax for now, find a stable dose and stay on it. I know you are experiencing some guilt about the recent episode but there's probably a great reason for it if not just to get some relief from the unrelenting shitstorm. No matter how fucked our behavior looks at times, it serves a purpose and fills some sort of need that would have been fulfilled one way or another sooner or later anyway. I did like 5 roxys on my last day of sub use, it was insane but hey, it was part of the path to success. And honestly, the xanax will serve as some much needed help throughout, don't be a hero. Focus on suboxone and February, everything else is just nitpicking, including xanax. (my opinion)
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby cheeps » Sun Nov 05, 2017 8:56 am

What?? Not giving up porn?
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby syd » Sun Nov 05, 2017 9:14 am

I agree with Sub47.

Anger is the best tool you can have & it's free. BUT, dont punish yourself for your benzo binge by trying to detox both at the same time. You are setting yourself up for failure. Conquer one then the other.

Leave your xanax dose alone till you are at least 3 months post sub detox.
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Thu Nov 09, 2017 7:30 am

Thanks for the good advice and input. First, let me definitively state that I will not be giving up porn. Due to Suboxone it’s been a long time since I had any interest in such torrid material. But, although I still have a ways to go on my taper, it appears you don’t have to totally get off before interest, shall we say, arises. Once I got below about 1.5 mg/d...boom went the dynamite! I am currently taking a new drug called ‘Noragria’ which helps by reducing erections for up 4 hours. I take it before I attend church, unless I’m meeting directly with a priest. And that reminds me, I have to update my Tinder profile.

On the more serious side, I agree with you guys about focusing on the sub taper and don’t worry about being on a stable, reasonable dose of Xanax/benzo. That’s the advice I’d give someone too. However, I am tapering off of it in my particular case for a few reasons. I only took it for a month and at least the first week was tiny doses. I only went off the rails for about 2 1/2 weeks. I have never really abused or been addicted to Xanax or benzos. Dependent yes. This was the first time I used it like a party drug (sad term but appropriate). I just used Xanax in the past like a regular patient. I just never saw much fun in benzos. Just was never my thing. And lastly, I’ve tapered off of Xanax several times with literally zero symptoms. It was more just a nuisance to remember to take it. I’ve only been tapering less than 3 weeks and in 2 days I’ll be at .5 mg 3x/d. I’ll be totally off in a month. Ironically, I’m tapering off of Xanax so I can use it when I really need it, at the ‘eyelash doses’ and of course when I jump. I’m getting off of it so it works better when I really need it.

Right now my official doses are:

.4 mg/d buprenorphine (for 6 more days) then onto .37 mg/d for 14 days (11% reduction).
.5 .5 .75 mg Xanax every 8 hours. I reduce every 4 days one of the daily doses by .25 mg. When I get to .25 mg 3 x day I’ll reduce by 1/8 mg (.125 mg). If I have any stress symptoms I’ll slow things down as needed. But I should be fine. I’ll be right around .25 mg of buprenorphine when I get to zero benzos and I think that’s a good place to be.


The last thing I wanted too write about is that my life is so weird right now. It’s 6:20 AM and I’ve slept for about 1 hour so far. I’ve tried moving my sub dose from 8 or 9 AM to 2-3 AM to see if it helps with sleep but it doesn’t seem to matter or make a difference. I took it at 3:30 AM today and I’ve been up since.

I read about all the brave folks dealing with kids and jobs and other stressful responsibilities while going through this arduous process and I feel like such a vagina. No kids and I do not work at all. For the past month, and this is partly due to really severe almost daily headaches/migraines, I’ve been staying in bed until 6:00 or 7:00 PM everyday. I go back to bed at 11:00 PM. For
about two months now I’ve been out of bed an average of 4 hours a day! Hand to god this is totally true. I eat when I get up, but only once a day. It’s bad, like really bad. Becasue I’m up throughout the night I basically just stay in bed all day with short bouts of sleep. The headaches have kept me in bed a lot lately but they’re not the sole cause.

I’ve seen people write that as hard as it was to drag themselves to their work they’d go crazy if they didn’t have work as a distraction. Other people write how grateful they are to have been able to arrange a month off when they jumped, or just happy were not working during their taper and when they jumped. I’ve seen both takes on this.

My headaches comes in waves or clusters so I’m hoping for a reprieve soon. I just resently stopped calling Carry Out Menu every night (its a delivery service for like 100 restaurants in my area). I would get up and call in an order, take a shower, then the food would come, eat it, watch Stranger Things...then back to bed and repeat. I want to change this cycle but it’s way more complicated then just saying ‘if you force yourself to stay up during the day and even get some exercise then you’ll sleep better at night and start to function more normally’. Nope. It just doesn’t work that way, I’ve tried it all. I did just get quit daily Excederin use again. Today makes 8 days. Between that and no longer eating the diet outlined in the book ‘I Don’t Give a Fuck’ (by Robert Atkin’s of course) maybe I can slowly move toward a better lifestyle. But if I have to stay in bed for two more months because that just what it takes for me to get off of Suboxone then that’s what I’ll do. A few years back I was cycling Century rides several times a month. WTF happened?!?

I can’t work in any professional capacity right now. I’m way too ducked up. But there is work on my house I can do, I can work on a website, do research, I can play guitar and gig if I want, etc. I guess I’m saying I can be productive even if I’m not working for dollars. But it been bed pretty much constantly.

It’s 6:54 AM. Time for .5 mg of Xanax, 600 mg of Motrin and to try and sleep. See you around 7:00 PM. What a great life of nothing, followed by more nothing. And tomorrow I’m planning something big, nothing. I was thinking maybe I should get out of my house for a while and go find a beach and start walking. If I’m away my routine will change and maybe that will help break things up.
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Buprenorphine: 9+ years @ 16 mg/d ave. - Tapering @ < .5 mg/d
Alprazolam: Tapered off May 2016 - Started again October 2017 currently tapering
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Nov 09, 2017 3:05 pm

Hey Doc. Thanks for visiting my thread and posting there. It is so appreciated.

I will agree with you that your rambles are a bit longer than mine. I also agree that it does not matter when you take your Subs, sleep is hard to come by. I have been sleeping only with the help of different meds. I switch them up so I don't take anything too frequently and I only take my Xanax every 3 days or longer. And I have been only taking 2mg at night only. I was never a benzo person either. I think it will be fine. In my work I often came across real Benzo addicts. They take that shit in high high doses every freakin' day. They are totally out of it all the time. A benzo habit like that is scary shit, but its not me and I don't think its really you either. You are an addict. You know what you can and cannot do.

I also really get you in regard to having to pretty much stay home and in bed or the barcalounger while doing this. I don't know how anyone can perform a job while going through a sub taper. i could never do it. Thats why I didn't even try until I took my early retirement. Don't feel bad about it please. While you are staying in bed at your house, somewhere out there, I'm in my recliner at my house. Lets just chill and do this. Plenty of time for running around, eating right, and being active afterwards.

Anyway, keep writing, keep rambling. I enjoy reading your rambles. They aren't as rambly (not a word) as you think, and they are very helpful to me and to others here.

Enjoy your porn, but please don't hurt yourself ;)

Anna :banana:
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Mon Nov 13, 2017 9:04 pm

Dear Peeps…

I am posting this under ‘crisis’ because this a legit one for sure. It’s also on my thread.

I have never once asked for help but I have no one to talk to that understands or could possibly give me any help, advice or guidance. Except for you good people. I wish I could call you all. Seriously.

I was just released from the hospital. I have a large kidney stone that has become lodged in my ureter. This is one of the worst possible things that could happen during a taper.

The pain is a 10, period. I just spent the last 10 hours on IV Dilaudid. The ER doctor took a while to understand my buprenorphine situation but finally he did and gave me very large doses. Then sent me home with a bunch of Oxycodone.

I have to have it surgically removed. No other options are possible. After they remove it they place a stent in the ureter for 1-2 weeks, which can be very uncomfortable.

I am very sad. A bit scared but most of all, lost. I need advice.

Today, for the first time in over 5 years, I took a shit ton of narcotic opiates. And I just took 40 mg of Oxycodone. So for one day I am, and have been, on the sauce.

My pain has stabilized and I MAY not need to take any more opiates.

I am on my last day of .4 mg of Suboxone. And I was actually psyched to move onto .37 mg. I don’t know what to do. DO I TAKE TODAYS DOSE? I am thinking of skipping today sub dose, seeing if I can make it without any more pain meds and just take my sub again tomorrow night. This would be the best possible outcome.

My number one goal is to not let this destroy and derail over a year and a half of tapering. My taper has become everything to me. I even gave up my beloved daily Excedrin, been eating the perfect diet and tapered way down on Xanax.

Being on Suboxone and having trauma is one thing, being way into what has become (finally) a committed taper is another.

Dudes and Dudettes. I am truly unset and confused. Please all tell me what you think. If you need more info just ask.

Thanks you all.
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Buprenorphine: 9+ years @ 16 mg/d ave. - Tapering @ < .5 mg/d
Alprazolam: Tapered off May 2016 - Started again October 2017 currently tapering
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Dcleanist » Mon Nov 13, 2017 9:27 pm

Me personally if I was you. I would stop taking the sub while using soa for pain. At worst you jump back on the sub at under a ml. Or take the hit and restabilize at ,377 or so. Sounds painful but curable. Funny how time creates and destroys everything. 2 weeks is short compared to the time you put in already.

Use Sao sparingly And you should have no problem with.7 or less sub. You can do it. Not like there's much choice but still none the easier. Peace
The voice of reason is reasonably late.
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Annalo57 » Mon Nov 13, 2017 11:15 pm

Hey Doc, I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with that kind of pain. I would agree with Dcleanist. I would take the pain meds and forego the Sub for now. When the pain is manageable, return to your sub dose and move on. It truly sucks that this happened, but it's out of your control. Don't torture yourself, don't beat yourself up. Listen to your body, it will tell you what to do. Thats just my 2 cents. Hopefully someone with more knowledge than I have will weigh in. Where is Cheeps when you need her??? Just kidding, she is dealing with her own stuff lately, but maybe if you PM her she will respond. She seems to know pretty much everything.

You're strong, you're smart, you will deal with this and be back on track. This is just a little side trip.

Please keep us posted on what is happening. We are all here for you.

Anna :banana:
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby cheeps » Mon Nov 13, 2017 11:38 pm

Dcleanist wrote:Me personally if I was you. I would stop taking the sub while using soa for pain. At worst you jump back on the sub at under a ml. Or take the hit and restabilize at ,377 or so. Sounds painful but curable. Funny how time creates and destroys everything. 2 weeks is short compared to the time you put in already.

Use Sao sparingly And you should have no problem with.7 or less sub. You can do it. Not like there's much choice but still none the easier. Peace



I agree
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Tue Nov 14, 2017 12:18 am

Thanks guys for all your input and support. Nietzsche famously said, ‘what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’. But I bet he never had a kidney stone stuck 1/2 way while tapering on sub.

Anna is right when she writes ‘it’s out of your hands’. Except for not drinking enough water this isn’t my fault. It’s just a horrible thing to have to go through, especially on sub.

And speaking of Cheeps...she spent almost 2 hours of her night talking me off the ledge this evening. I was seriously considering taking a Xanax nap, forever. That women is important. She treated me like a brother. Told me that there’s tons of threads about people tapering that needed all kinds of emergency surgeries and similar problems. She made me feel less alone, she gave me hope. The greatest human currrency there is, and her kindness is great wealth.

If you’re reading this and have not idea what we’re talking about please go back a few posts and read about me having to take a bunch of opiates and let me know any advice.

Thanks everyone. This place and all of you mean a lot to me.
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Buprenorphine: 9+ years @ 16 mg/d ave. - Tapering @ < .5 mg/d
Alprazolam: Tapered off May 2016 - Started again October 2017 currently tapering
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby SmottleB » Tue Nov 14, 2017 1:51 am

Minor setback for a major comeback! I think you got this! Going back to sub when this is over should be relatively painless. I mean, you’ve tapered this far, that’s a miracle.. getting back on track should only take a day or at the most a couple. Keep the real goal in mind. Use the newly rx’d Meds to do what they were intended. Then when those are truly not needed get back on track with the sub. When is the surgery? This may help others,with better advice, knowing how long you might have to take Sao’s. 40 mg oxy seems like a lot. That much sub,.4mg can block a bunch of SAO, for at least 2 days. Before full effects of 40 mg oxy can be totally felt. So that dose may be able to tapered quickly also. Until you get relief from smaller doses. Likewise depending on how much sao’s you take and for how long will depend on if you can resume you sub taper exactly where you left off or you might need to increase sub dose a very small amount for a day or 2. To get back stable. Longer stay with sao’s, the longer it might take to stabilize. Maybe 3-4 days. Somebody check me on this!! I believe I am close. Actually last year in December I fractured my zygomatic complex and remember a similar struggle. Though my sao binge was only a couple weeks. When I inducted back on sub it was at a slightly higher dose for a few days. My dose then was about .5 mg or so.
Dcleanest articulates his points very well also
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Wannabesubjumpa » Tue Nov 14, 2017 8:44 am

Heh man just wanted to say that your strength and perseverance is inspiring. I've followed your story start to present and I wouldn't bet against you overcoming this hurdle just like you've overcome everything else in your path!! The sub spikes, the benzos, the insomnia- dude your a fucking warrior and I for one would go into battle with you anyday!! You will do what needs to be done to get through this, and in the end maybe the things you thought would be the death of you will be your saving grace!!

Peace T
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby CatsMeow » Tue Nov 14, 2017 12:49 pm

SDD I'm so sorry that this has happened. I agree with others that I would stop the sub so that the SAO's can do their job. This type of thing is just too painful. You have no choice here, you've got to have pain relief.

Oh & thank God for Cheeps. She really is invested in this crazy thing we call addiction/dependence. She's a Saint!

I have another take on this subject. Please feel free to ignore at will. How about you get off the sub now? Take the SAO's for, during & after your surgery to keep the extreme pain away. Take as little as possible for as short a time as possible. Then taper off them as fast as you can. I read another Thread where a lady did this exact thing. The doctor actually told her to do it this way & she made it. No more sub & no more SAO's. It was a total success.

Please keep us updated on your surgery date & how you're doing. We're here for you. Again, so sorry this has happened... :gaah:
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Annalo57 » Tue Nov 14, 2017 3:57 pm

Doc, I gotta say that I think CatsMeow may be onto something. If it were me, I might give that a try. Just a thought. But you know yourself and you know what you can do. So just do it. Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing because you are 100% on board with this. Your goal has not changed. You will reach it.

Big Love!!!

Anna
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Re: My Taper Journal

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Tue Nov 14, 2017 8:10 pm

I had to make a tough decision today. The blue pill or the red pill, or more accurately the orange film or the purple tablet. I chose the orange film. There's reasons for my choice. Firstly, I don't have the proper quanity or access to SAOs to feel secure (at least not yet). Secondly, the stone has stopped moving (which is why I'm a surgical case) and that means the pain has stopped, almost. From a 10/10 to a 2/10. This has happened to me before. I get a stone that exits the kidney and travels 1/2 way to my junk but gets permamantly stuck along the way. When it stops moving it stays there until the surgery. It usually takes 2 weeks from the time I do the surgical consult to the time I have the procedure so I would be on regular opiates for 2 weeks with no actual pain. The surgery itself isn't that bad, but it is scary as fuck.

I never really knew that if given the choice people would rather taper off of regular opiates than sub, I know Anna would disagree. I personally would rather taper using sub because I couldn't taper off my regular opiates anymore. At the end of the day I am still a drug addict. I have a love affair with the locked part of the pharmacy. So why would it be easier to taper off of one you love verses one you hate? I'm just saying: once I get that syrup up in me it's a lot harder to let go. At least it was 9 years ago when I gave up and found sub...but then again how did that work out for me? I con fused!

I set up surgical consults with 3 different providers. None of them will give me the meds it would take to taper with and they won't want to get involved with anything like that. I may have a way to arrange it if I really want to go that way. It's been so long I wouldn't even know where to start an opiate agonist taper...30 mg Oxycodone 3 times a day then reduce one of the doses 15% every 5 days...something like that? That sounds really high, pun intended. Is 5 mg 3 X a day too low? What is the SAO bio/dose equivalent of .5 mg of buprenorphine? Except for today, I am down to .37 mg of sub, or was just about to be...shouldn't I just finish tapering off a drug I hate rather than switch over to a drug I love? You guys know things about this I don't so I am totally interested to hear why it's so much better to taper off of SAOs verses buprenorphine.

For now I am suspending my taper. I will stay at my current dose (which today was the going to be my last day, tear) of .4 mg/d. A lot of what happens next will depend on what the surgeons say. I made some more .4 mg pieces today and will stay the course for now. Considering I got up with a post-narcotic migraine, skipped a day of sub, and basically feel like I have been trampled by horses I may have done a bit of sub grazing while making said pieces today. So I admit, at least for today, call me Spike. I know from experience you can get away with a day, maybe two.

Thanks to you all. Why can't we all be in a room together instead of some random 12 step Nazis that all think someone or something other than themselves is in control of their drug use? 'It wasn't me that 'relapsed' and went out and got those drugs, my disease did it'. Friggin' Scientology's Narconon has a better success rate than the "Friends of Bill" crowd. Don't mind me I'm just really screwed up in the head right now. Jesus slaves.
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Buprenorphine: 9+ years @ 16 mg/d ave. - Tapering @ < .5 mg/d
Alprazolam: Tapered off May 2016 - Started again October 2017 currently tapering
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