where is the best place to start here?

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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cluelessinpacificnw » Thu Aug 25, 2016 11:37 am

Thank you, all. I have a call into the doctor and they will call me back to make arrangements. I do have time constraints since I have my own business and cannot just leave it for a month unless I want to end up homeless! So I plan on doing 2-3-4 days on my own taking no drugs, then checking in and hopefully staying no more than 10 days, max, and that is really a long time for me to leave my business!!! If I were gone longer than that, my clients would take off. It's the best I can do with the setup I have, sole source of income, etc.

Thanks for the nudge.

Clue
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby Don_Pisto » Thu Aug 25, 2016 2:30 pm

I'm glad you checked in here and updated. Yes dear, you have yourself in a tough cycle and you already know that.

You can go to a short term rehab, but what's going to happen when you get out and you're neighborhood opie pharmacist is still a short walk or call away? I'm afraid that with him, or her, around, you'll be fucked. Sorry but that source needs to vanish from your life.

Maybe you can do the short term rehab but immediately enroll in an outpatient program for when you're done? The short term rehab can help some, but since you're on a vicious cycle of LAOs, you are likely to not feel so great for awhile and that can make you very vulnerable. I understand you need to also take care of your livelihood, so do please look into some type of outpatient program because this is going to take some time to fix and you're going to need some good support.

The neighborhood opy pharmacist has got to disappear from your life though. Either you move or he gets busted and put out of business.
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cluelessinpacificnw » Thu Aug 25, 2016 2:56 pm

Yes, Don, I hear you and I am trying to figure out what to do. Moving is not a simple thing (I have no car and money, etc.). my round-the-corner dealer would probably have me killed if he were busted, even if he weren't sure that I was the one who did it.

Outpatient is definitely something I am going to have to be doing. There's a great AA meeting every day, only drawback is my ride comes at 6:15 a.m., which means I have to get up at 2:30 in order to have done my yoga, meditation, showering, etc. But I think that's the kind of thing I need to do, something that is really difficult and exacting and so self-disciplined that I get that feeling again that "I can't possibly quit now! I DO NOT HAVE another first day in me!"

The only reason I haven't picked up a cigarette after having quit 38 years ago is because it was SO HARD I knew I would probably not be able to quit ever again. And my motivation was so important: I was going to be pregnant soon.

Now my motivation is not as strong, since I only want to die anyway, but only if it could be undetected, in other words, so that my daughters would never suspect that I did it, killed myself or OD'd or whatever. So I want to write in a journal while I am at the hospital, describing in vivid detail what I would really like my life to be like if I hadn't started using at age 15 and screwed it all up. Sort of like a vision board using words.

When my kids left home for college, all my oomph just disappeared and I went into a black hole of a depression, which I think has existed from the time I entered my mother's womb and just had that feeling that she really didn't want a baby, and then when she saw what she got (me), she really wasn't happy about that. That's just my take on it, and it's how my life has played out.

I used to despise going to AA/NA meetings, but this one I've found is pretty magical and there is a lot of love there.

Anyway, I'll know Monday, when I go see the doc for the assessment, when I can check in. Hopefully soon!!!!

Thank you, people, so much, for your support.

Clueless
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby Subblind » Thu Aug 25, 2016 5:04 pm

You need to write in that Journel exactly what you want your life to be AFTER you get yourself fixed sweetheart. Please focus on what you can become and DO NOT dwell on ending your life.you also need to tell someone you have those thoughts so they can help you process that...your making some serious scary statements and you really need to get yourself help immediately!!this endless drug cycle is what's fucking you over and you must know that.fixing that problem will take care of all the other shit that's dragging you down.
Your life is worth all the effort your about to put in to make the next chapter worth living...
PLEASE SEEK OUT HELP FOR THOSE THOUGHTS...,you owe it to yourself and those who love and care about you!!
DONT DELAY SEEKING HELP!!!the sooner the better...god bless you...
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Appointment with intake people at Kaiser tomorrow...

Postby cluelessinpacificnw » Sun Aug 28, 2016 3:28 pm

I really need some help figuring out how to present my case to Kaiser for going in to short-term detox, setting boundaries (putting my foot down on what they want to put me on, etc.), and what I can hope to achieve in the short amount of time I will have as an inpatient (probably no more than six days, just because I have to keep working. That is a MUST).

So I am wondering if anyone has any suggestions on, if I have any say in the matter, and I hope I do (it's my body, after all), what would be the best use of my time there.

Tomorrow is my appointment where he assesses what I have been taking and for how long. I am hoping to check in to the detox unit on Friday so I can take advantage of the holiday weekend and not lose too much income.

I know for a fact that what has me most worried is my stupid drifting off into Benzo Land, which I believe is now in the 5-6 week range of taking 2 mg. bars just about every day. So I am hoping first and foremost they will address that, with a Librium taper or whatever, maybe even a small supply to take home with me (this is very doubtful that they would consider that, though possibly there might be a way where they can have me go to a local pharmacy and pick up Librium/Valium in ever-decreasing doses on a daily basis).

Next I have to deal with how I really fucked up with the methadone and subs, using either one or the other since probably mid-May. I doubt they will give me a supply of subs to take home, but will 5-6 days on a low dose of Sub do me any good? It will knock the methadone off my opiate receptors, right?

II hope to go from Monday (tomorrow) until admission and not take any drugs so I can at least get a jump on the withdrawal.

But when I leave the hospital, will I still be suffering horrendous opiate withdrawal pains? I've been handling those in a pinch with loperamide (Immodium), but that's not good for my gut (hey, since when do I care what's "good for me"?). They may give me a small quantity of low-dose subs to take with me, though I doubt it, since I tested dirty for benzos.

Anyone have any ideas what I should be aiming for, asking for? I am getting outpatient after care lined up for when I get out, even if it's "just" meetings every day. It doesn't matter to me if it's AA/NA, Smart Recovery, whatever, just time with MY PEEPS!

I do wish I could stay in the hospital longer, but finances dictate otherwise.

ANY INPUT, ANY INSIGHT would be greatly appreciated. I am so demoralized and heartbroken right now, ashamed, feeling stupid, know how MUCH I screwed up. I need to hear voices that don't originate in my head giving me ideas on what I can possibly do, having messed up so royally!

With extreme gratitude. I will let you know how the appointment works out tomorrow.

Thanks, all.

Clueless

PS What does "LAO" mean?
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cheeps » Mon Aug 29, 2016 8:38 am

LAO means long acting opiate aka is sub and methadone.

Marilyn....I don't know what to tell you except whatever you do is going to require stability on your part. No more switching drugs. I don't know how the folks at Kaiser or any inpatient detox in your area decide what protocol you get.

I just wish you the best and let us know what happens.
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby Steph1850 » Mon Aug 29, 2016 1:24 pm

Hey Clueless/Marilyn,

I just wanted to say hello, and welcome to SS! I can so relate to how you feel. When I got here I was all over the place with sub amounts, number of doses per day, benzos, etc.

My advice would be to get a weekly pill box per Cheeps suggestion (or 'Get a fucking pill box!", as she told me....lol).
And be consistent about dosing times, if you dose at 8am, be consistent every day. That will help even you out.

Listen to Cheeps and the good people on this site....they got me down from 28mg (well, I was at 14mg when I found this site....tapering alone without this site sucks!) to .10mg today.

And yes, I agree...being an addict SUCKS!
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cluelessinpacificnw » Mon Aug 29, 2016 7:04 pm

Went to my appointment today and am set to go to detox on Friday. Probably can only stay 5-6 days because of my business, but I REEEEEAAAALLLLLY want it to work this time. I am in so much anguish and so disappointed in myself. :(
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cheeps » Mon Aug 29, 2016 10:14 pm

jeez marilyn...its no fun kicking your ass...you keep doing it for me...just no fun at all lady. :cry: :MrT:


What kind of business are you in? Im not feeling this detox. you have got to give yourself more time. :problem: :shrug:

what did they say at your appt? Im having a hard time being happy for you. i want to support you but im not sure if what you are trying to do can be done. :? :banghead:

No matter what, get as much help lined up as you can....and get rid of phone numbers. Stay around clean peeps.
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby Subblind » Tue Aug 30, 2016 5:44 am

This is an opportunity for you to get some much needed help,I think you should be figuring out a way to stay as LONG as you possibly can.i get the business thing more than anyone,but certain things need to take priority and this should be one of them.if you had a medical emergency you would have no choice but to stay hospitalized as long as it took...
You should look at this no differently.you say you REAAAAAALLY want this to work....,then keep your ass there as long as they will let you stay.go read some outcomes of detox success stories and you will see the most success was achieved by longer detox programs.we all want to see you do well,but 5-6 days ain't long enough.you have to use this opportunity to your fullest advantage.
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cluelessinpacificnw » Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:22 am

I hear what you all are saying about staying in detox longer. Right now I'm just working with what I've got, and what I have with my business (I do transcribing for court reporters) is six days in detox, max. That's just the way it is.

I know longer would be better. Right now I just have to do SOMEthing, particularly to get away from the Xanax that I have gotten myself into pretty deeply.

At my appointment, the nurse practitioner also said longer would be better, but understood when I said I couldn't. He mentioned maybe a goal might be Vivitrol, which, as I guess you know, is a once-a-month injection of an opiate blocker. I may do that, but only for three months, just to get some clean time behind me.

I also (Cheeps and subblind) know that this isn't optimal, but I have got to get away, even if just for a little while. I'm looking into getting a different apartment away from my supplier.

You may look at it as I'm being stubborn in refusing to stay longer, but honestly, I don't want to end up homeless and relying on my kids to take care of my bills, and that is what would happen if I told my clients I had to be gone for a month! So I'm just doing what I *can* do. I'm really scared right now. But if I don't grab hold of the 5-6 days I'm being offered, I feel I'll just continue to go around in circles with this. :crazy:
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cluelessinpacificnw » Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:25 am

Also, yes (to Don), Kaiser does offer outpatient treatment afterwards which can be as intense as three group counseling sessions a week plus a one-on-one with a counselor. So I'm going to do as much of that as I can when I get out of detox.
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby Subblind » Tue Aug 30, 2016 4:21 pm

I hear you loud and clear,just do the best you can with what you got and AGGRESSIVELY Persue all after detox care you can get.double dip if you can...and get the vivitrol as for long as they will give it if it works.we all just want the best for you honey,so my prayers are with you!and let us know how your doing as soon as you can...
Moving from your current apartment would be a very smart first step.i know you have a car shortage but getting the farthest away from your current chemical shopping center will be most beneficial to you...convenience stores are good but not the kind that sell what's ruining you...,head for the hills lady...and don't look back.
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cluelessinpacificnw » Tue Aug 30, 2016 4:25 pm

Subblind, thank you so much for your encouraging response. Sounds like you really get what I'm dealing with.

Haven't taken any drugs today but have been drinking. Just trying to pass time till I can get into detox. Scared of seizures, etc. Hey, I know I "shouldn't be drinking," but I was getting ready to buy some Xanax, and I simply cannot keep doing that!!!!!
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby Don_Pisto » Tue Aug 30, 2016 4:41 pm

The 5 or 6 day detox is a good start but it isn't going to fix your problems and that's why I was asking you to check and see if there is any kind of outpatient programs.

The one week detox isn't going to fix these problems:

cluelessinpacificnw wrote: If I have a bottle of pills, I seem to be incapable of refraining from taking them!
I don't have a good answer for this, but maybe there is some kind of useful help through your regular Drs? Making a bon fire on the beach is a good start and I'm serious. If you can't refrain from taking something you shouldn't be taking, then you need to remove it from your living space right now. Do it. Flush them, drop them off at safe disposal box like what many police stations have, or do what I did and make a big bon fire.

cluelessinpacificnw wrote:This connection lives 10 minutes' walking distance from me, which has been a bummer. He also has clonopin, which has been a bummer but I am very careful with.
This is not good. You're not going to be 100% cured and feeling great when you finish your detox. The Long Acting Opiate use will require your body some healing time and you won't be feeling the greatest. It's just too easy knowing instant relief is just 10 minutes away. It's too easy to tell yourself, "I'll just take a little bit to take the edge off" and you'll be restarted in a new cycle before you know it.

cheeps wrote:If you truly want to quit spinning in the dope cycle you need to clean your phone out and say goodbye to your dealer. Dealers don't like this at all. Why should they? They aren't your friends, they just treat you like one. They want the money burning a hole in your pocket.
I'll state this another way: if you don't get far from your neighborhood pharmacist, you're doomed. I don't mean to sound like I have no faith in you, but just being real. You need to get far away from him. You move or make an anonymous call to the local authorities.
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cluelessinpacificnw » Tue Aug 30, 2016 5:34 pm

Don, I truly hear what you are saying, but this guy would have me killed if I "anonymously" reported him. I would be living in fear.

I think I may not be doomed. It's like saying if, once I quit smoking, I know that cigarettes are within minutes of me, then I am doomed to keep on smoking. But I dealt with *that* addiction in other ways. I've got to face this addiction with opiates and Xanax sometime or other!

I am reading and re-reading what everybody is saying and I just don't know what to do with it, other than the little bitty steps I am taking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am an alcoholic and don't need to move away from the nearest liquor store. I binge eat, but I can't move away from every Fred Meyer or Safeway or Dominoe's nearby.

There is something else happening within me that I have to discover what exactly it is and deal with that. It's a problem that lives very much deep within me and can't be solved by moving or ruining my business. I just have to find another solution, given what I've got going on.

I think that I have bottomed out and this is my place to rebuild. Others may think it impossible, but I've done it before with other stuff and I think I can do it again. Or die. Just have to keep on moving forward as I feel guided to do.

Just want everybody to know I truly appreciate the input and the caring. Thank you.
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cheeps » Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:44 pm

I'm not saying I disapprove of what you've got going on. I just don't want you to waste/squander/lose the little bit of insurance help you have. Even 10 days is better for benzo detox than 5 or 6. Be very honest with them and give them MAX Amounts of benzo use. If you make it look pretty/better/less...you run the risk of them not covering your benzo wds. Be honest and if there is ever a time to over exaggerate, it is now.

I don't disapprove you wanting distance, a break, hell, free food you don't have to fix...I get it.
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cluelessinpacificnw » Wed Aug 31, 2016 5:12 am

Got it, cheeps.

I didn't take opiates or benzos yesterday, "just" drank, and I am starting to go through the not sleeping, hot, cold, sweating, feeling like I'm losing my mind. And I haven't even really started detoxing yet!
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cheeps » Thu Sep 01, 2016 8:31 am

Just be careful.....if you have a little piece of benzo.....just enough to cover you...id take it...if you don't, DONT go after it. If you feel really bad, go to the ER and tell them about your upcoming detox. Do this only if you are in bad shape though. I'm going on the premise that you could be observed safely there until you go to detox.

Hang in there girlie....vent here until you go and check in when you can
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Re: where is the best place to start here?

Postby cluelessinpacificnw » Thu Sep 01, 2016 9:01 am

I took my last benzo yesterday. I am so freaked out if what I felt yesterday (before I took the benzo) is an indicator of what's to come when I won't have anything to handle it, i.e., if they give me Librium (hopefully in decreasing amounts, IDK) for six days, and then I'm discharged, and then.............

?????

I don't know if the Gabapentin I have will be enough to cover me as far as my safety.

All questions to ask the doc there, but you know how they are! E.g., "Oh, you can just stop taking Subs after a couple of days on 2 mg.," etc. It's like they don't have any real-world knowledge and the minute you mention you've read something on the internet, they just snicker, as if everything on the internet is a farce!

I may have to get some Valium from someone (after I get out) and do the Ashton very slow protocol for weaning off (http://www.benzo.org.uk/ashvtaper.htm), sped up as much as I can because I just don't have any money left to keep doing this.

As far as the LAOs, I took a part of a sub yesterday, and I don't know what I will do in detox -- try and go for as long as I can without taking any or ask them to just give me 1 mg.? I don't suffer very much on 1, I don't think, but who knows what is really going on because I'm not stable ON ANYTHING! Dammit!!

There are so many things dangling that I hope will "reveal" themselves pretty damn soon, because I have hit bottom as far as being broke and out of options.

Whatever happens during detox with the sub, there are two things I can think of to do: (1) an Imodium taper. That means I can't eat, because obviously I don't want all that junk in my belly that can't come out), but it's come to that. I need to lose a few pounds anyway. Or (2) Get enough 8 mg. subs from someone to do the taper on my own again. I am pretty goddamned sure I'm sufficiently horrified now that I could manage having the pills around. Dammit again. 20 8-mg. should be enough, IDK.

I JUST FEEL SO STUPID.

Clue
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