Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Sub Sucks and if you havent figured that out yet.. please read a few posts

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:41 pm

Hey Eyedotz I am sorry about your grandma. How thankful you must feel that you got to experience her last moments without any sub in your system to block the emotional impact of her departure to whatever the afterlife holds. I hope you have lots of good memories of her to cherish. Grandmas are something special. There is a song called Grandma's Hands, by Bill Withers I think, and it always makes me think of my grandma.
Much love to you.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
User avatar
CheeZeeAnnDee
 
Posts: 370
Joined: Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:44 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Subblind » Sun Jul 23, 2017 7:53 am

I love what Cheeps said Dotz...we are all here giving you a hug my friend,also so proud of all you've done for yourself.
Everyday that passes gets you further away...and closer at the same time... :kiss:
User avatar
Subblind
 
Posts: 887
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 7:57 am
Location: North East

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:31 pm

Hope you are doing well Eyedotz.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
User avatar
CheeZeeAnnDee
 
Posts: 370
Joined: Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:44 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Eyedotz » Wed Aug 02, 2017 12:52 pm

Hey Cheez!
Nice hearing from you, as always. I saw this message a while back but the effort of actually typing something back is somewhat daunting. I peruse the forum everyday but I feel out of touch with everything....almost like an old shadow stepping back to let the new peeps do their thing. I miss you guys though... the constant wit and ball busting is something I cherish here....right SB? Fucking guy kills me...

This summer is somewhat depressing for me. I keep losing focus on what's important. I am no where near where I was with my walking mileage as I was last year. I do go 3-4 times a week but it so fucking hard to get motivated to do anything of significance. The lack of determination to do things is fucking depressing. I keep saying, "well dotz you lazy asshole...do something of worth tomorrow..." but nope, tomorrow becomes tomorrow's tomorrow. I can't blame this shit on sub but I can blame it on living a life of sobriety, boredom and uncertainty of what the hell I should be doing. I am doing ok otherwise. Maybe being sub-free makes me realize I'm having a mid-life crisis... losing my gma recently made me realize how fucking fleeting life is....almost as fleeting as summer in Maine. Maybe I should buy a Porsche (obviously a match box car) and dye my hair blonde. :shred: :shred: :shred: :shred: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:

:boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake:

Hugs dudes!
~Dotz
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
User avatar
Eyedotz
 
Posts: 486
Joined: Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:16 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby cheeps » Sat Aug 05, 2017 5:21 pm

what the hell I should be doing


This is life in these uncertain times, especially when one is over 35, has no children or lives alone. We all want to have a purpose or feel worthy in whatever we do. Some do it by working all the time, some overwork themselves with children, some spend every free minute stuck to someone's side. Some hoard animals. Just when we think we are settled down and have solved some problems....another major life stressor comes along.

The meaning for/of your life and the balance to achieve harmony and contentment does not follow an even highway. Yes, when we lose those we love, it gets bumpier. We are imperfect beings. It takes time to get back up from grief dotz, don't be so hard on yourself... :nono: :D
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9363
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Lucy » Sun Aug 06, 2017 7:10 am

wise words there, Cheeps
Reducing from 32mg. Dropped from 26mg to 16mg 8th July 2017. August 1st 12mg.
Lucy
 
Posts: 200
Joined: Sat Jul 01, 2017 7:55 am

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Sat Sep 02, 2017 9:54 am

Did you buy the Porsche Eyedotz?
Maybe you should get a motorcycle instead?
:kiss:
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
User avatar
CheeZeeAnnDee
 
Posts: 370
Joined: Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:44 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby cheeps » Mon Sep 04, 2017 10:51 am

CheeZeeAnnDee wrote:Did you buy the Porsche Eyedotz?
Maybe you should get a motorcycle instead?
:kiss:




Now that would be a sight to see....I'll send you some leather! :blowme:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9363
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Subblind » Tue Sep 05, 2017 6:46 am

Hey Dotz...come out to play kiddo...it's been too long you know.?.?.?...it may be helpful to get some CheezeeANNdee on a daily basis...don't make us send Ronald Crackdonald looking for ya!!!
User avatar
Subblind
 
Posts: 887
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 7:57 am
Location: North East

Month 17+ update

Postby Eyedotz » Tue Sep 05, 2017 10:27 am

Hey SS dudes,
I'm dropping in to say hey, I guess.

You know the old saying... "if you have nothing good to say...don't say anything".

I've just been super quiet the past 6 months. I find it hard to interact with the world, these days. I have a feeling long-term sub rewired my brain. I'm not sure if I will find a 'new normal' or not. I'm almost a year and a half post sub and I can't seem to find solid ground. I think back to the pre-sub/addiction days and I don't remember feeling like this. Absolutely ZERO motivation to do anything except the basics of going to work. I always thought (before) that depression was a state of mind and positive actions would keep my life moving forward in a positive direction. It doesn't really seem to be the case though. I used to love to go for my walks and would walk 30-40 miles a week. This year, I feel like it's all so fucking hard. I have no desire to do anything of worth. My gawd, the list excuses one can come up with is staggering. :banghead:

My sleep sucks which probably doesn't help the situation. Some work nights I don't fall asleep until 2-3am and I'm up at 7 to get ready for work. I take naps when I can but the endless thoughts worming through my brain at night can drive someone crazy. Unisom/zzz quil helps but I try not to make a habit of taking it. Besides being fucking LAZY, physically I feel fine. I still have days when I feel the burning sensations in my legs but it is no where near it use to be. Everything seems to be running nominally.

One thing a little strange, is I'm noticing I have vision problems...I see the eye doctor soon so I can see what's happening. I'm 41, so it's normal that my eyesight would fade but I'm seeing haloed blurring around my left eye and I seem to be encountering flashes of blindness when I see bright lights...I have to look away and let the flashes dissipate. There have been reports of sub causing early onset of cataracts. I know for a fact, when I was on sub, my eye doctor discovered I had spinal fluid in my macular where there shouldn't have been any fluid. We've been watching it. I can't help but wonder if my many years of my pupils being jacked could have caused long term issues. I guess we'll see.

Well I guess I should list something positive in the midst of all the less-than-spectacular bullet points. I've noticed that problem solving has been spot on in my thinking process. I am an avid video game player and have been for years... when I was maintaining on subs, I remember having issues processing/solving puzzles and would typically cheat my way out with google. These days, my mind does all the work...like it should have. I recently replayed an older game I had struggles with in the past and I whizzed right through it. That shit is cool at least.

So I am hanging in...I am alive. I am drug free and I am moving forward. Time can only help in that respect...the bastard forcing you ahead. I miss you guys although I've been distant. Man, we had some good fucking times and laughs and the inside jokes are priceless! Fucking crackdonald.... Love you dudes. ~dotz
:boobshake: :boobshake: :boobshake: :blowme: :blowme: :blowme: :pash: :pash: :pash:
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
User avatar
Eyedotz
 
Posts: 486
Joined: Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:16 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Subblind » Wed Sep 06, 2017 7:16 am

You may have been more motivated when you were more active here Dotz...and yes...some of the shit that came out in these threads was beyond priceless.it may have been better for all of us to keep the shit going here...any form of social activity has to be better than none...

It was cool to see your post...even though your struggling with your vision issue please keep updating what's happening I'm sure Andee and Cheeps will be around to say hi soon...TTYS
User avatar
Subblind
 
Posts: 887
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 7:57 am
Location: North East

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Lucy » Sun Sep 10, 2017 12:56 am

Dotz, you sound like you really could be suffering from clinical depression. It might be worth talking to your dr about it. I don't know your views on antidepressant meds, but the way you say you're feeling is no way to live. I've read through this entire thread and you were a lively, enthusiastic person who laughed and joked a lot. If you've lost your spark you're unwell and need to get some treatment or at least acknowledge what is going on and address it in your own way. Exercise really helps mild depression so if you can get back into your long walks it may lift you a bit. I hope the weirdness with your eye turns out to be minor.
Reducing from 32mg. Dropped from 26mg to 16mg 8th July 2017. August 1st 12mg.
Lucy
 
Posts: 200
Joined: Sat Jul 01, 2017 7:55 am

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Eyedotz » Mon Sep 11, 2017 12:05 pm

Thanks Lucy,
I'm doing ok... it comes and goes. Most likely I am clinically depressed but I'm not so far into that I want 'medicated' treatment. I think a lot has to do with hormones too. I'm 'new' with dealing with hormone issues...I didn't notice any of that ebb and flow shit during my 20 years on long acting opioids. Like right now, I feel great...no depression or sadness...some days are just worse. Walks definitely help though...

Ok the eye thing. Not great. I have to see a specialist in the next couple months. To make a long story short, I found out I have a rare genetic disease called 'Vitelliform Macular Dystrophy'. I don't have an official prognosis yet but it seems that I will lose my central vision within 10-20 years. There is no treatment. Oddly, I am taking this ok so far. I am considering a lot of things I didn't before... like travel and living each day to it's fullest blah blah. I won't be able to drive, read, or recognize faces at some point down the road but at least the sight loss will be slow. I'll keep you guys posted anyway. Thanks for checking up on me... it means the world. :kiss:

By the way... FUCK YOU SUBS... :blowme: :blowme: :blowme: :blowme:
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
User avatar
Eyedotz
 
Posts: 486
Joined: Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:16 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Subblind » Tue Sep 12, 2017 7:04 am

:kiss:
User avatar
Subblind
 
Posts: 887
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 7:57 am
Location: North East

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Lucy » Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:11 am

I am so sorry to hear that you have this condition, Dotz. It's only the one eye, isn't it? Or does the genetic condition mean it will develop in the other eye too? At least there's a long span of time before things will get really bad and who knows what medical advances by then might be able to treat the problem. This is a rough thing to deal with on top of the hormonal issue that's messing with your mood. Planning to travel sounds like a wonderful idea and a really positive way to deal with this. Don't give up hope.
Reducing from 32mg. Dropped from 26mg to 16mg 8th July 2017. August 1st 12mg.
Lucy
 
Posts: 200
Joined: Sat Jul 01, 2017 7:55 am

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Eyedotz » Thu Oct 05, 2017 2:03 pm

Hey there my SS peeps,

It's been a while but I'm glad to see everyone's still chugging along. I'm in a super busy season at work and haven't been around here much. Life and shit.

So update for me. I've been doing much better mentally. I think a lot of the problems I was experiencing has been related to lack of sleep, etc. I've been taking a swig off a zzz quil bottle to get some decent sleep. I try to only use it a couple days in a row and take a couple days off. We all know that small habits become shitty habits so I'm trying to be conscious of the little things. For the longest time, I slept 4-5 hours a night but my sleep was not good. Very anxious with little REM, imo. Quality sleep has helped me immensely in so many areas. I've had my bouts of depression this last year but sleeping better has turned it around. Honestly, living life as 'just me' has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I thought the taper was difficult but the emotional adjustments were tough.

So update on the eye thing.
I finally went to a retinal specialist on Tuesday and I have been diagnosed with 'Macular Telangiectasia Type 2.' It is rare...probably 1 in 100k, so I guess I'm lucky? I won't win the lottery but I will win a super rare genetic disorder. :clap: There is no treatment but it isn't as dire as I thought a month ago. My eye doc thought it was something else (I mentioned in earlier post) that was a quite a bit scarier. The disease I have is still scary and my vision will get progressively worse but I shouldn't lose complete central vision, as I thought before. Basically, the capillaries that connect to my macular are leaking and there is no way to stop them. The leaking causes damage to the cells which causes dead spots in my vision. The median age for this diagnosis is 62 so me being 41 is even more rare. Weee!

I feel so out of the loop here...so I'm sorry if I haven't been very helpful being wrapped up in my own IRL shit show. I miss my old friends here. I will try to make more of an effort to get back in the loop and assist the newbs if I can. I will need to do a lot of reading. If any of you new peeps haven't read my taper thread yet, I implore you to do so. I feel it could help you find your inner strength when the doubts creep in. I am almost 19 months post sub, and although I've had hills and valleys...I am proud to say I will never touch that shit again. My taper thread is not my jump thread... (I'll bump my taper thread to the top, it's been a while). As I catch up with people's stories, I will try and offer advice if I can. If I could quit sub after 13 LONG years... so can you.

This place is priceless. Bunch of fucking nut cases too. Fucking love you dudes.
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
User avatar
Eyedotz
 
Posts: 486
Joined: Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:16 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby cheeps » Wed Oct 11, 2017 9:40 am

Speak for yourself....you nutcase! So good to have you here but very sorry to hear the shitty news about your vision. :thumbdown: . At least now you know what to expect or do. I know you've spent hours researching...that always helps even if the results suck. Education has that calming effect...macular eye issues run in my family and I have some nice cateracts growing thanks to my elevated blood sugar five years ago. But yours is rare, so do all you can do...learn Braille for your next foreign language. That has always fascinated me. 8-)

Is it chilly up there yet? It's hurricane weather here...humid, damp, buggy, moldy.....SUCKY!!!! I'm moving to Maine...fuck it. :cheers:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9363
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby Eyedotz » Wed Oct 18, 2017 2:18 pm

Thanks Cheeps! I suck... I honestly didn't even see you wrote on my thread this last time. I'm doing ok with the vision thing. It's pretty much hurry up and wait. My specialist said there was nothing that could be done but after doing some research there may be some clinical trials out there. Sounds creepy to have needles and implants in my fucking eyes but never watching netflix or playing video games again - scares the shit out of me.

Anyway, I AM 19 MONTHS OFF THAT SHIT today!!! I can't believe that shit. I always fantasized I'd be able to say something like that. I am doing quite well. I seem to have overcome the depression hump and living life like a normal human being. Just boring and non-medicated.

Anyway, love you guys!
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
User avatar
Eyedotz
 
Posts: 486
Joined: Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:16 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby jwalts37 » Fri Oct 20, 2017 10:55 am

Hey all,
I apologize about the long time in between my posts. I actually forgot I had posted here. Just so you all know I have not touched Subs (or any other opiate) since my first post and am still clean. Things are great! I found the withdrawal from subs were very prolonged and became mostly mental after a while. It's mental hell and it gets dark at times, but it makes you appreciate never making yourself go through it again. Just thought I'd give ya'll an update and say thanks to eyedotz! If I, a 10+ year user of opiates, half of them being on subs, can get off and stay off, anyone can. It's truly a miracle. I used to look at other people and say to myself "those are normal people, I wish I could be like them and not have to rely on a pill to feel normal". And here I am one of them now. I wll never ever go back to being a slave. I've made myself and my family and friends so proud and it's that type of reward that really helps.

PS: I thought about this after I posted. A few medications have helped ease the mental anguish. When it was first going on my psych dr prescribed a very high dose of gabapentin (truly a miracle drug in this case). That got me through the absolute worst physical withdrawals and after a while I didn't need that anymore and just continued on with my mood stabilizer/depression meds. Other than that, I've found that sometimes I get in these modes where I am terribly "discontent". I don't know what to do with myself. Things that would normally make me happy don't intrigue me and I just feel like I'm existing. I find that forcing myself to go out and interact with close friends really helped. I've taken up playing pool almost every night now and it's really help occupy that hole. Peace!
-Josh
jwalts37
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2016 1:48 pm

Re: Eyedotz Taper I jumped!

Postby cheeps » Sat Oct 21, 2017 6:51 am

Good to hear from you Josh and so freaking glad you are still fighting THE GOOD fight!!

Cheeps
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9363
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

PreviousNext

Return to Sub Sux

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: CatsMeow and 2 guests