49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Sub Sucks and if you havent figured that out yet.. please read a few posts

Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Wed Dec 16, 2015 2:26 pm

Day 267 (I peeked). I don’t like that I’m still counting days instead of counting weeks but I can’t help it sometimes. Today hasn’t been that bad so far. There’s a giant clusterfuck at work because management got the bright idea that they need some of the staff to have photographs taken for the company website and it’s placing stress on the people that aren’t being photographed. Thankfully, I’m not one of those that has to get their picture taken (I hate having my picture up online).

At last glance I was just under 56 hours away from seeing the new Star Wars movie but I’m a little annoyed by all the marketing that’s gone into that movie. I should’ve expected it but I was preoccupied with PAWS, going out of country, breaking up with my ex, meeting a new woman, and so forth. Suddenly, it’s Star Wars mania everywhere. I saw bottles of water branded for Star Wars yesterday evening. It wasn’t like Zephyrhills was doing a promotion for the movie – it was actually Star Wars water. Hopefully, Han Solo and Chewbacca don’t stop at a KFC right in the middle of the movie. :-)

As far as any cravings go I haven’t craved an opiate today. Last night I had a mild craving but it passed quickly. I have no idea what triggered it but for a few moments I thought it would be nice to zone out by taking a Lortab and just watching a movie. I recognized immediately that the thought was stupid and went online and started browsing Reddit and was distracted by other things. Today I craved a cigarette for just a moment but that passed quickly. I have no idea why either craving happened but I’m thankful they didn’t last long and I was able to quell any desires quite quickly. I’ve said before that I need to keep my guard up and this is why. I haven’t had any cravings for either cigarettes or opiates in a while but I have a feeling those kinds of things will happen from time to time and I need to stay vigilant. Thankfully they didn’t last long and I’m extremely grateful for that.

It’s weird because going back to where I was a year ago doesn’t seem like a good idea and it’s something I really don’t want. I like where I am now and even though I still have problems with certain aspects of my life (who doesn’t?), I really do enjoy being off opiates. There are certain things I miss, like having higher energy levels and not caring about certain things, but I feel the price is a little too steep and I’d rather go without. Plus, the clarity of mind I have currently is pretty great. Trading in where I am currently to get high doesn’t sound like a good idea whatsoever.

I need to head back into work. I hope everybody’s Wednesday afternoon is going well (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Tia, Neil, Don, Kurdt, Turbo, Suboptimal, Mags, and anybody else I’m currently forgetting). Today is probably going to get worse as time passes but I’d still rather deal with this shit show than go through withdrawals again. I feel that period of my life is permanently etched into my brain, like a giant scar that reminds you of something stupid you did in the past and hopefully keeps you from repeating the same mistake twice.

And this song made me really happy when I had to hit up the hardware store today for work. It’s instrumental and it’s Fugazi but they’re still getting regular rotation around my house, in the car, and at work. It makes me feel young and energetic. :-D

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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Sat Dec 26, 2015 5:36 pm

It’s the day after Christmas and I’ve had a great one. I know there were problems with the site this week so I didn’t log on to write. I believe today is 277 days off subs and I’m still happy about it, not having cravings, and I saw Hateful Eight twice already. Overall, a pretty good holiday weekend.

I have company coming over in a few but I wanted to check in and see if the site was running again. Thank you Ratch for fixing the site up. You have no idea what this place means for me. I can’t speak for the others but I’m sure there are some that are extremely happy the site is working. :-)

I hope everybody had a great Christmas and is having a good Saturday (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Tia, Neil, Don, Suboptimal, Kurdt, Turbo, Mags, and anybody else I’m currently forgetting). I just threw on Pulp Fiction and I’m going to clean up my house before the lady comes over and we watch some movies together. :-D
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Mon Dec 28, 2015 10:52 am

Today is 279 days off subs. Tomorrow marks 40 weeks, which is pretty awesome. I’m in my car before work and somebody is playing trumpet in the park near here. I’m waiting for them to break into Chuck Mangione.

Things have been good for the last few weeks. Granted, this is the time of the year where my job starts to slow down, only to get crazy again in January, but I’ll take the reprieve. I got off work at 1:30 on Christmas Eve (I went in at 10am) and I’m doing the same on New Year’s Eve. Tomorrow night I’m going to go see A Clockwork Orange on 35mm at the local art house theater with the lady and I’m excited about that. I was going to go hiking on Christmas morning but I was tired and decided to stay in. I watched a few episode of Ash vs. The Evil Dead and went for a run. Later, the lady and I went to see Hateful Eight, which was shown on film (in 70mm). That was great and I went to see it again the next day.

The only problem I’m having is with my jaw. I’m pretty sure I have TMJ, as opening my mouth wide is a little painful and I’m making a dentist appointment in a few minutes. It’s not that painful but I find myself relying on Aleve and Ibuprofen at least twice a day. My fear is that if I have to have some kind of oral surgery that they’ll give me an opiate and I really don’t want that. However, I also don’t want to sit around in pain for a few days when I can alleviate that with something. I actually discussed this possibility with the lady this weekend and she’s cool with doling out any painkillers that would potentially be prescribed, making sure that I only take what’s needed and that I strictly adhere to the doctor’s instructions. Regardless, the prospect of taking an opiate, even for its intended purposes, frightens me and if I can avoid that I will. It’s almost like atonement, like I should suffer through a day or two of pain. Hopefully there’s an easier fix and I won’t have to deal with opiates whatsoever. I really don’t want to but I’m happy the lady is willing to help and has been extremely understanding whenever I bring up kicking subs.

When I checked in on Saturday I mentioned that I haven’t had any cravings for opiates and that is completely true. I wish I could say the same about cigarettes. Yesterday I didn’t wear a nicotine patch and found myself wanting one a few times. The cravings were brief but I don’t like that they’re still around. At least none of the cravings were for opiates.

I need to get into work in a moment. I hope everybody’s Monday morning is going well (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Tia, Neil, Don, Kurdt, Suboptimal, Turbo, Mags, and anybody else I’m forgetting. I’m tired this morning because my cat woke me up at 6:30am wanting attention). I’ll try to write more at lunch but I have a feeling I need to bust my ass at work today because New Year’s Eve is a short day and we’re closed on New Year’s Day. I don’t have any NYE plans yet, aside from seeing the lady, and I don’t really know if I want any because getting around on a holiday like that is a major pain in the ass. Hopefully some people would be into hanging at my house. :-)

And here’s the overture song from The Hateful Eight. One of the standouts from the film was the score, which was written by Ennio Morricone (The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, The Thing, and a million other movies).

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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Tue Dec 29, 2015 10:48 am

Today marks 40 weeks off subs. Right now I feel proud of that but now I’m trying to look towards a year off subs, which is basically less than three months from right now. I’m thankful that I don’t have to have anything serious done at the dentist. I went yesterday and they told me to wear a mouth guard at night and that I need a cleaning. I was worried because I didn’t want to have anything done that would require opiates and even though I had a plan already laid out in case I needed to I’m relieved I don’t need to put that plan into effect.

Right now I’m in my car, looking at the trees and the clouds go by as I type this. It’s 80 degrees outside and it’s almost New Year’s Eve. At least the breeze is blowing and it feels good. I’m going to go see A Clockwork Orange tonight on the big screen with the lady and I’m excited about that. I believe I’m going to hike this weekend and just take it easy. I still haven’t craved any opiates for a little while and I’m happy about that. I’ve said it before but the cravings I do get aren’t very potent and I’m able to recognize them immediately. At the moment I’m having trouble remembering the pain I went through during the acute days but yesterday when I was in the dentist’s chair and they were opening my mouth (which didn’t want to open all the way) I clearly remembered the withdrawal symptoms I went through so intensely a while back. All I could think was that the discomfort I was feeling when they were poking and prodding around my mouth was nothing in comparison to the withdrawals I went through in late March through April. Of course it hurt but I faced it with a brave face – and I hate dentists – and remembered that I went through worse only a few dozen weeks earlier. :-)

I need to head into work in a few moments. I hope everybody’s Tuesday morning is going well (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Tia, Don, Neil, Suboptimal, Kurdt, Mags, Turbo, and anybody else I’m currently forgetting). When I woke up this morning I didn’t want to face the day but that changed after about five minutes of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling fan. I found that sitting still was difficult for me after getting through the acute days and PAWS but now I’m able to sit back and relax a little. I don’t know what to attribute that to other than I think I’m in a good spot with life at the moment. I refuse to let my guard down totally, as I’m only 40 weeks off subs but instead of freaking out about all the time I lost taking opiates I’m getting better at just enjoying where I am and what I’m doing. I don’t know if this will last and my anxieties about everything will intensify in the future but I’m enjoying where I am currently. I hope this post finds everybody else having a good morning and feeling happy about life.

And here’s some Motorhead because Lemmy passed away yesterday. :-(

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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby subster58 » Wed Dec 30, 2015 11:05 pm

Hi Yup. congrats on 40 weeks off the subsucker from hell. Good for you. Also glad you don't need any dental work done because dental pain is terrible. . Things are going well with the Lady. So the start of 2016 will be on a positive note. Any plans for New Years? I always worked that weekend since I don't drink and we had to work 1 of the major holidays so I'd work that day since I had been there longer than any other nurse, plus I don't drink.
Happy New Year,
Love ya
Tia
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby cheeps » Sun Jan 03, 2016 3:14 pm

So....I wanna know where the party is going to be when you reach 52 weeks? That's only 11-12 weeks away...not long in the scheme of things.... :mrgreen: :blowme:
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Thu Jan 07, 2016 12:08 pm

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything but starting on the 4th everything has been crazy with work. Tuesday was a 16-hour day and yesterday was 12 hours. Monday was about 10 but today I got to sleep in. I don’t even know how many days I’m off subs at this point and it’s not important at the moment but rest assured I’m still off subs and still not smoking cigarettes (even though I wanted one regularly over the last few days).

Unfortunately, I need to head into work in a few minutes. I slept in today – and needed it – but I slept longer than I wanted to. It’s funny because that was one of the withdrawal symptoms that took forever to disappear (lack of sleep) but I feel my appetite for sleep has returned with a vengeance. It also doesn’t help that it’s actually been cold here for the last few days and my house gets cold easily. It’s an old Florida home and they were built to keep the cool in. During the summer it’s great but when it’s cold out it’s like living in a refrigerator sometimes.

I hope everybody’s Thursday morning is going well (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Tia, Don, Neil, Kurdt, Suboptimal, Turbo, Mags, and anybody else I’m forgetting currently). I won’t lie: I’m still a little groggy from sleeping for nearly 11 hours but I know I needed it after working that many hours in just three days. It also didn’t help that I got caught up in a book Monday night and stayed up a little later than I wanted to but there’s nobody to blame but myself. Just know, American Gods by Neil Gaiman is a really interesting and captivating book. Okay, now I really need to get into work. :-)
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby subster58 » Thu Jan 07, 2016 1:00 pm

Hi Yup, I love than it is cool here,. Finally got to air my house out, but it's back into the 80's and humidity so the AC was turned on again last night., Can't sleep when it's humid. It's funny to say it was cold, but living in an old Fl home makes it feel cooler . You're in Miami right? I'm in WPB.
So how are things going with your new Lady friend. Good I hope.
It's good you were able to sleep working those long hours.
Sounds like you continue to do well. great.
love ya
Tia
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Tue Jan 12, 2016 10:52 am

Today is 294 days off subs, which is 42 weeks. Only ten more until I hit a year. It’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything but I’m still sub free (and nicotine free). It’s just been a hellacious week or so at work and personally. Not that anything terrible is happening in my personal life but it’s just been busy as hell with very little time to do anything else. I started selling more records and between that, working all the time, trying to make time for friends, a new band, and a new girlfriend it’s been hectic and super busy. Plus, I hate getting up in the morning because it’s freezing outside. It doesn’t help that my house is an old Florida home so it retains the cold like crazy. It’s actually colder inside my house in the morning than it is outside. That’s great in the summer but brutal in the wintertime (yes, now I’m bitching about it being cold but when it hits 40 degrees in Florida I feel I have a right to complain a little). :-)

I hate New Year’s resolutions but the one I came up with is that I’m going to get a new job this year. As soon as things start to slow down here I’m going to get my stuff together to apply as a teacher. The process of doing that isn’t extremely difficult but very time consuming because I need to apply with the state first and then wait until they say it’s okay and then I can start applying with the individual counties. I don’t doubt that teaching is going to be more difficult than my current job but I’d rather do something that I feel is beneficial for the world at large instead of working for a small business where I’m making one or two people rich off the sweat of a bunch of people that don’t get paid that well. I’m not getting any younger and I’d rather not spend the rest of my life working for these people.

Another thing I decided to start doing this year is smoking less pot. Yes, I still smoke it but I’m trying not to smoke it during weekdays (unless I’m hanging out with friends or doing something fun). I have a few friends that get irritable when they don’t smoke and I was worried that would happen to me but so far it hasn’t. Granted, I didn’t give it up cold turkey but the goal is to only smoke on the weekends or special occasions. It’s not that I think it’s hindering my growth as a person but I think I started smoking more pot when I quit smoking cigarettes but I haven’t had a cigarette in months and I think it’s time to lower my intake. To be honest, I haven’t felt like my brain has cleared that much, or that I was a burnout in the first place, but I just want to not rely on any substances for anything. I barely drink anymore as it is so I figured I should try to abstain from any substances that alter my perception, or at least try to do them sparingly. We’ll see how that goes.

Unfortunately, I need to head into work in a moment. I hope everybody’s Tuesday morning is going well (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Neil, Tia, Kurdt, Turbo, Suboptimal, Mags, Don, any anybody else I’m currently forgetting). I was speaking to my dentist yesterday because I need to have my final wisdom tooth removed and discussed that I don’t want any opiates when they do the procedure. He said that it’s a simple pull and that it won’t require any drugs other than Aleve or Ibuprofen but that hydrocodone would make the recovery process more bearable. I’d rather have a day or so of discomfort than rely on an opiate to alleviate any pain. I have that scheduled for later this month. I just really don’t want to go back to that way of life, regardless of any agony I might endure. Thankfully, it’s just a wisdom tooth and a simple extraction but I can’t go back. I still remember how shitty the acute days were and I’d rather sit around in pain (which I don’t think will be too horrible) than even visit the life I used to live.

I’ll try to write more at lunch but we’ll see how this day goes. Lately, I’ve been eating at my desk because it’s been so crazy at work. I know I just had a vacation in October but I feel like I need another one. This place is driving me crazy.
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby subster58 » Tue Jan 12, 2016 9:39 pm

Hi Yup, congrats on 42 weeks off subs and your upcoming year. Awesome. I know how hard you have worked to remain free of subs. It's supposed to be in the 40's tonight and tomorrow so get your warm clothes out. My brothers always laugh at me when I tell them I'm freezing at 50 degrees, but when you spend 10 months at 90-100 it is cold for us. Especially when you're in an old Fl house. I love the older homes.
Ultram would be a good pain med if you don't want to take vicodan and the pain was not relieved by Aleve or Advil. Also don't smoke anything to avoid a dry socket. That hurts worse than having a tooth pulled. Wisdom teeth are also more painful because of the large root. I sure you know all of this already, just a FYI Also you want to have a clean urine when/if you apply to be a teacher . The THC hangs out in the fat cells but you're not over weight due to a previous post. It's also great you quite smoking. That's another thing that has to be negative. When I was looking for a nursing job when I got laid off after 22 years they didn't hire smokers. If it was positive you could apply again in a year. Not telling you anything you don't already know.
Just wanted to stop by your tread to see how you are doing. . Glad you have found happiness with your new girlfriend and you are staying busy, No problem there.
Love ya
\Tia
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Wed Jan 13, 2016 3:44 pm

Tia,

I had a dry socket in a wisdom tooth once a few years back because I didn’t quit smoking cigarettes and it sucked. I just took more hydro’s for it and it eventually worked itself out. I haven’t smoked pot at all this week and I’m not feeling irritable at all. If anything, I find that I have less tolerance for stupid things (like when I tried watching that murder show on Netflix last night) but other than that I’m doing fine. I’m going hiking this weekend with the lady (our first hike together) and I’ll probably smoke while out in the middle of nowhere but I’m going to wait until then. The moment I get an approval from the state and I can start applying with different school districts I’m going to abstain altogether and I’m trying to use this time to see how I fare without smoking on a regular basis. So far, so good. :-)

I looked and today is 295 days off subs. I don’t crave them at all honestly and haven’t recently. There were a few times here and there where I’d think, “it would be great to have a Vicodin or something like that right about now,” but I realize how stupid that thought is and move on. Not having any friends that are into opiates is a good thing too since none of them tempt me with drugs. I also can’t call them and bug them for something. Even when I had those thoughts about wanting one I wouldn’t know where to get any opiates at this point. I’m thankful for that.

I’ve never tried Ultram but I’m not 100% of what their relation to opiates is. If there’s even a chance that they’re in the same league (but on a smaller scale) I’ll probably just stick with Aleve and Advil. I know the pain won’t last long and I might whine like a little brat for a day or so but I’ll occupy myself with Netflix and whatever other things that can keep my attention. I hate going to the dentist but I don’t want to lose my teeth. I’ve been really good about flossing (as Cheeps and countless others have said) and hopefully everything will go forward decently in the future. My opinion on dentists won’t change though. :-D

Everybody at work is talking about what they’d do if they won Powerball and I think it’s ridiculous. I doubt anybody I know will ever win that thing. That doesn’t mean I didn’t buy a ticket but I forgot all about it and picked one up when I was at a convenience store the night of the drawing and somebody in front of me bought one. That’s how it usually goes. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with a sum of money like that. I’d probably give a good chunk of it away to people I care about and then just travel until I die. Who knows?

I need to get back into work. I hope everybody’s Wednesday afternoon is going well (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Tia, Don, Neil, Turbo, Mags, Suboptimal, Kurdt, and anyone else I’m forgetting). It’s weird thinking that I’m not that far away from being a year off subs and I intend to stay that way. I can’t speak for the future but so far I’ve felt the same about going back for a while now and I have zero intentions of using opiates again. I dread the day I need them for legitimate reasons but hopefully that’s a long ways away.

And it’s a bummer that David Bowie died. I’m not happy about that one.
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby subster58 » Wed Jan 13, 2016 9:22 pm

Hi Yup, yes it was a bummer about David Bowie. Too young,
I don't believe you'll have any problems when you stop smoking pot. Maybe a little grumpy but you've never smoked that much to have any w/d's like some people I've known did. But they smoked it from the time they got up until bed time for over 10 years. They did go through WD's even though it's not a narcotic.
Ultram or tramadol are not narcotics but they did add them to the list for drug screens so maybe you should stick to Advil or any NSAID,
I believe we all will think of a pain pill off and on since we're addicts. It's what we do with those thoughts that's important. They are sometimes just fleeting thoughts, but when all we can do is think about them, then we need to do something about it before, like calling a friend, coming on here, etc.
Have a good safe hike. Hope you don't get rained out.
Peace
Tia
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby rc51guy » Wed Jan 20, 2016 1:09 pm

BAHHHH! Yuppers!!!! Whats going on buddy?! Cheeps!?!? Tia?! And all the rest!!!

Yup - So glad to see your still trucking through my man. I hope you've been feeling good lately!? Were not very far from a year now, as you said. Things are still up and down on me mood wise, but mostly because I got injured. No worries - I am clean, but its been a struggle for a couple months now. Mostly why I havent been on, aside from being busy.

Anyway... Super glad to see your still checking in. I apologize to everyone for not being around much.. But I do lurk and make sure everyones still doing well. Just havent had too much to say I guess. I'll explain more in PM.
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby subster58 » Tue Jan 26, 2016 11:22 am

Hi Yup, how are you? How did the dentist apt go? I know you hate the cold weather we've had. This week it was warmer outside of my house than in. I turned the heater on to take the chill out, but don't like to sleep and do things in the house with the heat on Just bundle up and today it's warm again. Were you able to hike or did you get caught in the wind of 33mph and the day is rained non stop?
Just thinking about you. Know you are a busy dude with a new life..
Love ya
Tia
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Tue Feb 02, 2016 10:50 am

Tia and RC,

Sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while. It’s been super busy on my end. I started selling stuff online (books, records, comics, etc.) for friends and it’s been occupying my time when I’m not at work or with the new lady. The money is pretty decent but I get home from work and spend an hour or so a night responding to emails and packing up orders. Then in the morning I take them to the post office and it takes forever. Today I only had two packages to ship out but tomorrow I think I have about 15. I’ve realized that the further away from opiates I get the more productive I am and the more I want to make money so I can stow it away for a rainy day. That and I’m really into getting rid of stuff. It’s one of those things where I see that the stuff I own owns me really.

I have no idea what day it is because I lost count. I could probably go back and check but I’d rather not at this point. I know I hit 10 months on the 25th of last month but things were really hectic at work last month and it probably wasn’t the best time to start a new venture and take a bunch of stuff from my buddies and post it online for them. Then again, if all that stuff sells I will make a few thousand dollars and I can’t let that pass me by.

It’s weird because I haven’t had any cravings recently and don’t even think about opiates very much anymore. I have a new roommate and her boyfriend was over the other night. He used to do heroin years ago and we were talking about cravings (I told him I used to do hydro’s and subs but didn’t tell him that I only quit less than a year ago) and he said the cravings hit him every once in a while but that it’s very infrequent at this point. He also has a kid and has decided to be clean and sober for the child. I can appreciate that. Thankfully, the roommate situation is only temporary and she moves out in two months. I like that somebody is paying half my mortgage for a few months (along with half the utilities) and she’s a good roommate but I like living alone and being able to have my own space. She was just in a shitty situation before and needed to get a place to save up money for a few months before she and her brother get their own house. His lease is up in two months and then they’re getting their own place.

Again, I’m sorry I haven’t posted recently. I’ve thought about it so many times but then I get done with work and with packing up online orders and all I want to do is get in bed, throw on Star Trek or some movie, and talk to the lady on the phone. The relationship is going really well and we see each other on the weekends. She works all the time during the week and so do I. Honestly, this is where I need to be in a relationship at this point. I couldn’t live with a significant other right now and I need a little more time to figure my life out. She’s actually pretty amazing and I’m really happy that she’s in my life. It’s weird because she’s the only person in the analog world that knows that I kicked subs a little over ten months ago and she’s been incredibly supportive and understanding. She had a family member that went through a similar situation a few years back and kick Suboxone’s ass and has been off opiates for years now. And I can’t lie – the sexual aspect of the relationship is fantastic. Of course she’s a great woman that I relate to on so many levels and have loads of fun with but the physical part of it is always a plus.

The only time I had a craving recently was last week. It didn’t last long and I was in a bummed out mood. I think part of it was a lack of sleep and the other part was the weather being so dreary and cold. I just wanted to take a hydro and hibernate in my room while watching stupid stuff on Netflix. It passed pretty quickly and I mentally kicked my own ass for thinking about it in the first place. I’ve actually craved cigarettes more than opiates in the last few weeks but I haven’t smoked. I tried smoking less pot for a while and that went well but then when the online orders started becoming more frequent I noticed that I would take a hit or two off a joint before I started packing orders and responding to people because it seemed overwhelming. I think I have a good handle on it though and I kind of enjoy doing the mailorder thing. I like it more than my job but I know I couldn’t do that for a living.

The one thing I’ve noticed that’s improved is my sleep. I still wake up pretty easily (and this morning my cat woke me up about two hours before my alarm went off, which really pissed me off) and I’m grumpy as hell if I don’t get a good night’s sleep but I don’t find myself waking up with the sun naturally anymore. The only downside to my sleep patterns returning to normal is that I find myself wanting to sleep more and more. I actually have to force myself out of bed some mornings because I just want to hit snooze multiple times before getting up. While I didn’t like having erratic sleep patterns I did like that I was getting up earlier and moving around. That’s changed. I don’t hate life as much when I wake up in the mornings, or at least not like I used to, but there are still days where I curse the fact that I didn’t die in my sleep. Those are uncommon but they still happen sometimes.

I need to get into work in a moment. I hope everybody’s Tuesday morning is going well (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Neil, Tia, Turbo, Suboptimal, Mags, Kurdt, and anybody else I’m forgetting at the moment). I still feel that kicking subs is the best decision I’ve made in years and I’m so glad that I did. Yes, there are days when taking opiates would make life easier but seeing the world for what it is and engaging with it clear headed is nice. Now, I just need to get off my ass and get another job. I’m still waiting until I’m a year off subs before I put those plans into motion but I’m still not giving up on getting into teaching. I just need to get a few dollars saved up in case something goes wrong (hence selling stuff for people online and stowing that money away) and actually do something about it. If there’s anybody out there reading this that is questioning their decision to quit subs, all I can say is that it is worth it. Of course there are days that suck but those horrible moments in life make the good ones so much better. I’ll try to check in at lunch today but I haven’t been taking lunch breaks away from my desk that much lately. :-/

And the dentist went fine. I didn't need any painkillers and was up again the same day. I still hate going to the dentist though but I've been really good about flossing lately (thanks Cheeps). :-D
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby cheeps » Tue Feb 02, 2016 10:55 am

Perfect!!!! This is truly wonderful and a prime example of life on the other side! Yuppets, I'm so proud of you!!!
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Wed Feb 03, 2016 10:34 am

Thank you Cheeps. I’m pretty proud of myself at the moment. XD

Today I woke up earlier than I have been lately and it felt good. I didn’t feel exhausted when I woke up and was actually excited to embrace the day. Granted, I’m not too happy about having to work but I like that I woke up before my alarm and was ready for today. It’s weird because for months I had trouble staying asleep and now it’s the opposite, where I just want to sleep more and more. I need to get out of that cycle and find a happy medium where I wake up and don’t want to sleep more.

Today is 316 days off subs (yes, I peeked) and that’s over 45 weeks off subs. I’m not ashamed that I looked but it’s the first time I’ve counted days in a few weeks. I like that I’m not looking at the days much anymore and just focusing on how many months I’m off subs. It’s not that the days are becoming a blur or anything like that but rather I think it’s that I’m focusing more on life instead of life after subs. I can’t deny what a good feeling that is, as even though I have been off subs for over 45 weeks it still sometimes seems like counting the days means I’m still in that place where subs are a large part of my life – even if I’m not taking them anymore. I think the best place to be is where I don’t think about them much at all and instead focus on what I’m doing and where I am.

That sounded a little like Yoda. :-)

I mailed out 15 packages this morning at the post office and that’s awesome. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any orders overnight but hopefully more will come in today. I ended up watching Shaun of the Dead last night while packing up orders and then talked on the phone with the lady for a little while before reading for a few minutes and then heading to bed. I think my only complaint at the moment is that it’s such a pretty day outside and I have to spend it inside instead of out in a park or hiking. It’s that time of year in Florida where you want to be outside every day instead of cooped up inside an office: the wind is blowing and it feels great, the sun is out, and there are only a few clouds in the sky. This won’t last long and it’ll get hot and horrible in a month or two but right now it’s perfect Florida weather.

I need to get into work in a moment. I have a ton of projects to get started on and hopefully I can complete a good amount of them today so I don’t have to worry about them for the rest of the week. I hope everybody’s Wednesday morning is going well (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Tia, Turbo, Neil, Don, Kurdt, Mags, Suboptimal, and anybody else I’m currently forgetting). I’ll try to check in at lunch but I don’t even know if I’ll get a lunch break today because I have so much on my plate. I kind of like that though since it’ll keep me busy and hopefully the workday will go by quickly. Plus, I’ve been listening to the Alec Baldwin podcast while at work and he has some amazing guests on. I listened to one yesterday with director William Friedkin where he talked about The French Connection and how he shot a good portion of that without permits. It was very interesting.

And I heard this song last night while watching Shaun of the Dead and it’s been in my head since. :-)

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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby subster58 » Fri Feb 05, 2016 12:48 pm

Hi Yoda, lol, so good to hear from you. You have made it to the other side, awesome. Happy for you and your new girl friend and things are also going well there too. wink wink!!! go dude. Good for you.
The weather is a joy, I know what you mean. I cherish these days as they don't last that long. Nice having the house open and cool fresh air coming in. Although it was 85 yesterday and my AC went out in my car. CRAP. I know what you mean by having a room mate. I had one of my daughter friend rent out my back room. It has it's own AC and private entrance, but she had to come into the house for kitchen and bathroom. She was in a jam and wanted to save some money. Then I have one of my friends who was also in a jam, had 2 weeks to move out of her place as they had sold the property. No way could she come up with first last and security. Both were people I knew. I need the money to rent it out again, but I don't want a stranger. Plus the last person left a ton of her shit in the bedroom and out in my back yard. I can't move it. We've been friends for over 25 years and no way would I let that destroy our friend ship. It's just stuff and the person is more important than things, know what I mean?. I was pissed for a few days, then let it go. Life's too short to worry about the small stuff. Some day I'll find 2 men to carry it to the curb and it will be gone in a heart beat. I left so many things out there and people come and take it. So it's helping out someone else.
As you know the thoughts of thinking about opiates and not wanting to wake up are normal. A fleeting thought, then it's gone. all normal.
Congrats on your time off subs
Tia :D
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Mon Feb 15, 2016 10:47 am

Sorry it’s been a while since I posted. I’m still off subs but this morning I woke up feeling really terrible, like how I used to feel waking up during the PAWS days. It’s not suicidal or anything but I was extremely annoyed that I wasn’t dead. It took me a few minutes to get going and now I’m in my car outside work typing this. I was in the convenience store this morning picking up a bottle of water and for some reason the idea of using seemed appealing for a few moments. Honestly, this was the worst craving I’ve had in a long while and it lasted for a few minutes rather than for a few seconds. It wasn’t like I was going to act upon it but I kept thinking about how I wouldn’t feel this down and annoyed with everything if I was still on subs or any opiate at all.

I’m currently eating while typing this and I’m hoping that some food will help my mood (I also woke up extremely hungry and I don’t think I ate enough last night before going to sleep). The logical side of my brain doesn’t want to use and I know I won’t. Aside from my desire to stay sober and beat this I have no idea where I’d score any opiates at this point so it’s not even an option but I’m really annoyed that I had a craving that lasted this long. I’m roughly 40 days away from hitting a year off subs and while I’m proud of that I don’t feel any joy from that thought at the moment. It seems like nothing will make me happy currently and that’s frustrating as all hell.

I’ve read before that cravings or PAWS symptoms can last for over a year but I thought I’d be over it at this point, especially since I haven’t had any real cravings or symptoms in a long while. I also haven’t had a craving this intense in a while either (if at all) and I’m wondering why I had one that was this severe this morning. I didn’t wake up craving opiates and was already awake for about 90 minutes when I had that craving at the convenience store. I hope this isn’t the beginning of a new trend, especially since I’m closing in on the one-year mark. I’m not saying that I’ve suffered more than others, as everybody’s experience kicking subs is different, but I’m going to be really pissed if PAWS starts rearing its ugly head again. I’ve had enough of that bullshit.

I’m trying to drum up memories of what I felt like during the acute withdrawals, like how I couldn’t sleep and I was riddled with anxiety and my whole body ached; I’m trying to remember how difficult it was to take a shower or just walk down the street and while I remember those moments fairly clearly they’re not resonating as deeply as they have in the past. For a long time those were useful in reminding me of why I don’t want to go back but right now they don’t have the same impact that they have in the past. I think I’m just going to be in a shit mood all day. All I can hope for is that today isn’t a giant shitshow at work and that I can get through the day without any major problems. I’m not currently craving any opiates thankfully. Instead, all I want to do is sleep. It’s not the most pleasant morning outside and it’s possible that has something to do with it but I’m pretty sure it’s not the primary culprit. I don’t know.

If this sounds bleak or like I’m being a brat I’m sorry. I’m not necessarily looking for somebody to write back and make me feel better. Rather, I think I’m just venting, getting it out there so that it isn’t rolling around in my head all day. It sucks too because I had a pretty decent weekend. Valentine’s Day went well, or rather Friday went well (we celebrated then because the lady had to work yesterday) and there wasn’t anything super stressful that occurred over the weekend. I guess it’s just one of those days and since I haven’t had one in a while it’s possible it’s hitting harder than it used to.

I need to head into work. I hope everybody’s Monday morning is going well (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Tia, Neil, Turbo, Suboptimal, Don, Mags, and anybody else I’m currently forgetting). I’ll check in at lunch if I have a free moment.
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby cheeps » Mon Feb 15, 2016 1:18 pm

Yuppets....yourPAWS symptoms shouldn't come back very much but it will always pop up...most of the time when you least expect it. If you haven't already....go back and read your first couple of pages....that helps to bring back the acute memories. But, it's normal to subconsciously want to feel better

And, basically....it's just on your new conscious to NOT use....and you are very capable of that.
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