Tia and RC,
Sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while. It’s been super busy on my end. I started selling stuff online (books, records, comics, etc.) for friends and it’s been occupying my time when I’m not at work or with the new lady. The money is pretty decent but I get home from work and spend an hour or so a night responding to emails and packing up orders. Then in the morning I take them to the post office and it takes forever. Today I only had two packages to ship out but tomorrow I think I have about 15. I’ve realized that the further away from opiates I get the more productive I am and the more I want to make money so I can stow it away for a rainy day. That and I’m really into getting rid of stuff. It’s one of those things where I see that the stuff I own owns me really.
I have no idea what day it is because I lost count. I could probably go back and check but I’d rather not at this point. I know I hit 10 months on the 25th of last month but things were really hectic at work last month and it probably wasn’t the best time to start a new venture and take a bunch of stuff from my buddies and post it online for them. Then again, if all that stuff sells I will make a few thousand dollars and I can’t let that pass me by.
It’s weird because I haven’t had any cravings recently and don’t even think about opiates very much anymore. I have a new roommate and her boyfriend was over the other night. He used to do heroin years ago and we were talking about cravings (I told him I used to do hydro’s and subs but didn’t tell him that I only quit less than a year ago) and he said the cravings hit him every once in a while but that it’s very infrequent at this point. He also has a kid and has decided to be clean and sober for the child. I can appreciate that. Thankfully, the roommate situation is only temporary and she moves out in two months. I like that somebody is paying half my mortgage for a few months (along with half the utilities) and she’s a good roommate but I like living alone and being able to have my own space. She was just in a shitty situation before and needed to get a place to save up money for a few months before she and her brother get their own house. His lease is up in two months and then they’re getting their own place.
Again, I’m sorry I haven’t posted recently. I’ve thought about it so many times but then I get done with work and with packing up online orders and all I want to do is get in bed, throw on Star Trek or some movie, and talk to the lady on the phone. The relationship is going really well and we see each other on the weekends. She works all the time during the week and so do I. Honestly, this is where I need to be in a relationship at this point. I couldn’t live with a significant other right now and I need a little more time to figure my life out. She’s actually pretty amazing and I’m really happy that she’s in my life. It’s weird because she’s the only person in the analog world that knows that I kicked subs a little over ten months ago and she’s been incredibly supportive and understanding. She had a family member that went through a similar situation a few years back and kick Suboxone’s ass and has been off opiates for years now. And I can’t lie – the sexual aspect of the relationship is fantastic. Of course she’s a great woman that I relate to on so many levels and have loads of fun with but the physical part of it is always a plus.
The only time I had a craving recently was last week. It didn’t last long and I was in a bummed out mood. I think part of it was a lack of sleep and the other part was the weather being so dreary and cold. I just wanted to take a hydro and hibernate in my room while watching stupid stuff on Netflix. It passed pretty quickly and I mentally kicked my own ass for thinking about it in the first place. I’ve actually craved cigarettes more than opiates in the last few weeks but I haven’t smoked. I tried smoking less pot for a while and that went well but then when the online orders started becoming more frequent I noticed that I would take a hit or two off a joint before I started packing orders and responding to people because it seemed overwhelming. I think I have a good handle on it though and I kind of enjoy doing the mailorder thing. I like it more than my job but I know I couldn’t do that for a living.
The one thing I’ve noticed that’s improved is my sleep. I still wake up pretty easily (and this morning my cat woke me up about two hours before my alarm went off, which really pissed me off) and I’m grumpy as hell if I don’t get a good night’s sleep but I don’t find myself waking up with the sun naturally anymore. The only downside to my sleep patterns returning to normal is that I find myself wanting to sleep more and more. I actually have to force myself out of bed some mornings because I just want to hit snooze multiple times before getting up. While I didn’t like having erratic sleep patterns I did like that I was getting up earlier and moving around. That’s changed. I don’t hate life as much when I wake up in the mornings, or at least not like I used to, but there are still days where I curse the fact that I didn’t die in my sleep. Those are uncommon but they still happen sometimes.
I need to get into work in a moment. I hope everybody’s Tuesday morning is going well (Anne, Cheeps, RC, Run, Neil, Tia, Turbo, Suboptimal, Mags, Kurdt, and anybody else I’m forgetting at the moment). I still feel that kicking subs is the best decision I’ve made in years and I’m so glad that I did. Yes, there are days when taking opiates would make life easier but seeing the world for what it is and engaging with it clear headed is nice. Now, I just need to get off my ass and get another job. I’m still waiting until I’m a year off subs before I put those plans into motion but I’m still not giving up on getting into teaching. I just need to get a few dollars saved up in case something goes wrong (hence selling stuff for people online and stowing that money away) and actually do something about it. If there’s anybody out there reading this that is questioning their decision to quit subs, all I can say is that it is worth it. Of course there are days that suck but those horrible moments in life make the good ones so much better. I’ll try to check in at lunch today but I haven’t been taking lunch breaks away from my desk that much lately. :-/
And the dentist went fine. I didn't need any painkillers and was up again the same day. I still hate going to the dentist though but I've been really good about flossing lately (thanks Cheeps).