My liquid taper

Sub Sucks and if you havent figured that out yet.. please read a few posts

Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:28 pm

Dots. You make very good suggestions and I am grateful. I keep finding myself thinking of Billie Holiday. She was indeed a Heroin addict. In the movie, "Lady Sings The Blues", there's that scene where she is put in a straight jacket and locked in a padded cell. I can't imagine how painful that must have been. I try to take comfort in the fact that I am not bouncing off the wall, laying in my own shit, convulsing on the floor for hours and hours, days and days. Been that route before, without the straight jacket and padded cell.

I did come off Heroin and Methadone in 1997. Been a long time. I had 6 years clean and sober. There was this guy. Old story, I know. He was clean, relapsed and brought Heroin into my house. I asked him to go many times, in many ways, including the cops and including thugs.. He refused to go. In the end I could not get him clean, he got me back on dope, and then he died of an overdose. I'm ashamed to say that I loved him. If not for loving that fucked up, tormented guy, I would probably still be clean today. I enjoyed being clean. I begged him to go. He would not. Then he died in my car. I got the call from the police,. My number was in his cell phone so they called me. He had taken my car to go cop. It was 2003.

I stayed on dope for a while, then I found the "miracle", the subs. So I guess I have been on them since then except for one brief relapse (I still had them, just didn't take them). I went back on the subs and have been there ever since. Not sure what year that was. I remember nothing. My life is a huge blur.

Just trying to make it through the day here.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:47 pm

At this point i don't know what else to do today except I keep coming on here and mindlessly typing the deepest darkest secrets of my life. Just to be clear about that guy. After returning from a horrible detox,and a very long rehab, I was a whole new person. My husband was the same old person. He was angry about a lot of things. I decided for the sake of my kids that it was time to go. So I got a job on long Island and bought a tiny little house. I left my husband and my kids for the sake of my sobriety. Well I guess that backfired!!!! Got involved with the wrong guy and fucked up a life that had been saved. Mine.

After that guy died, my father died 3 months later. I loved/hated my father. He was an asshole but I loved him. My husband said, "come home" while my father was dying, so I came home. I cannot tell you the shit my husband has been through with me. I stole, I lied, I stood looking at him with a needle in my arm saying, "I'm not doing anything!!!!" Suffice to say, he has been here before too. But he is trying to be supportive and has not once called me out for my fuck ups. I guess I'm pretty lucky. He says I am the heart of this house and that he loves me. I know he does. despite my many failures as a wife. Frankly, I can't imagine why.

Weak kneed Anna



So my holistic husband has just received 2 bottles of supplements from amazon . $100.00. For me, for my taper.I am still bringing him down.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 3:58 pm

It is now 5pm, dose time. I'm going to try to wait till 6pm. This day has sucked the ass off a fucking goat.
:deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse:
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Eyedotz » Thu Oct 12, 2017 4:10 pm

Try not to think of sub as a 'reward'... it is a curse. Grow the resentment... every taper you drop... every hour without... you are closer to returning to life without a f'n ball n chain. I'm out... leaving work for the day (it's been slow if you couldn't tell)... nice chatting with you. PM me if you need to. Keep journaling here, it helps everyone including you! Good job banana. :clap:
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 4:24 pm

You called me Banana!!! :kiss:

I might take you up on the PMing thing, though I hate to bug people. You got me through the day Dotz. At 10;00 this morning I didn't think I'd make it. But here I am. In great part due to you.

Next hurdle.....make it through the night!!!

Have to drive about 2 hours in the morning. Out to Long Island to deal with bamboo removal on my little property. Hope I can feel a bit better for that.

Getting some comfort from Jerry and the Dead.

Enjoyhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4SqDx1vi4c
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 4:25 pm

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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 4:28 pm

Been burping for hours. I am probably hoping in vain, but I am hoping that today's symptoms are the worst of it when you do a taper to a very low dose. Like.01 or .02mg. But i think I must be mad. :lol:
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 4:34 pm

This one is for the asswipe that first thought Subs would be a great idea. FUCK YOU and FUCK YOU TWICE!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iZ49s7eH5g
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 4:45 pm

Just have to say that I hope someone who has never heard that music before, listens to it. Really listens!!!!

It got me through this day, with a lot of help from Eyedotz.

Just saying'

Banana
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 5:05 pm

BTW

JERRY WAS A HEROIN ADDICT!!!!
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 5:09 pm

Ok, made it to 6;07pm without dosing after a day that felt like hell to me. Please tell me now, someone, if this is going to get worse!! I don't want to be surprised (unless it's pleasant).
Hangin' on Anna
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 5:17 pm

It's 6;16 and I still haven't dosed. Every minute feels like a victory.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 5:41 pm

Still haven't dosed, it's 6:28. Feel like shit. But my husband gave me some vodka to "take the edge off." If you knew him you would know how huge this was for him. He is a very special man. Just wish Id been a better wife.

Anyway.... Things i have learned about the liquid taper.

1. It very imprecise. The volume of liquid changes when you add pills to it.That makes it difficult.

2.Theres always some that gets lost in your mouth or in the cotton. That adds to the difficulty.

3. So I don't really know how much I am taking exactly.

4. None of that matters.

5. Just move forward.

6. Listen to The Dead. (or whatever floats your boat). But I think every one who knows music should know 2 things....The Beatles and The Dead. Just saying'.

7. Post on SubSux as much as you need to. It helps in many ways.

8. Sub Sux is a blessing, cuz nobody else gets this.



Adios.... for now. Might be typing at 3am, or sooner, or later.

6:40 still waiting to dose.

Lyrics
"The bottles stand as empty, as they were filled before.
Time there was and plenty, but from that cup no more.
Though I could not caution all, I still might warn a few:
Don't lend your hand to raise no flag atop no ship of fools."
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:01 pm

I am posting a lot today. Not sure if anyone else is reading this beside Eyedotz today. No matter. I will post and post cuz it makes me feel better. It is 6:53. Still waiting, despite a very bad day and a taste of what's to come. Now 6:54. Still no dose. I think this is pretty good.

Hubby is out for dinner with his guy friends.

Not sure if any of this is relevant, but I am beyond caring. Just trying to keep myself focused on anything but the next dose.

I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE!! idk who it is, but it's the piece of shit, ass wipe, scumbag, fuck my mother , kill you soon, RETARD that thought Subs was a good thing. Good for his bank account.. I know that. I get that. But I don't. Nobody could pay me to torture people. Give me a Billion, I won't torture people!!! Who does this to people (or any living thing)? I guess we are not people to them. This is not an epiphany. Its just a verbalization.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:14 pm

BTW just so you know... any one who is doing the liquid taper.....

I just found a cotton I spit out a couple of days ago when i was too lazy to dispose of it properly. It is stiff as a board. So there is subs in there along with mouthwash. Don't know how much of either.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:32 pm

SHUT THE FUCK UP ANNA!!!!!!!!!!!


OK.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 7:15 pm

Ok, so I've seen some crazy shit on his forum, so I figure I'm good when it comes to fucking attention seeking, addict to THE BONE behavior. I don't need to apologize for being just off the chain today. At least I'm hoping so.

How did I end up in this person, on this road? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!!! I could have been anybody.. This road has been long as hell. If I am still on this rod when i die , then I know I have been an abject failure.

But it is 8:00. I still have not dosed. But I'm going to dose now because I have to drive at 6am and I need some sleep.
OK, while typing the last sentence I sneezed 3 times and am waiting on #4. Theres a tickle in my throat making me cough. I know it's a subs thing. Its happened before.

I know I am probably annoying everyone, but you know what??? I don't give a shit. If it gets me where I need to go.

How horrible is that??????
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 7:35 pm

So I finally dosed at 8:21pm. 3 hours and 21 minutes after scheduled, after a really bad, bad, bad day. I could have waited longer, but I'm driving very early and I need some sleep. Im hoping it will come. Even just a bit.

This is a tiny step for me. TINY TINY TINY!!!!! But it's huge.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Eyedotz » Thu Oct 12, 2017 9:41 pm

Good job on the late dosing! Let me know how you sleep tonight....you should do pretty well the first half of the night. There is nothing wrong with rambling on your own thread… I'm sure you're not annoying anyone. If anybody's annoyed, they will just skip over your thread and read something else, so please feel free! Venting is a huge part of tapering. It helps you record all your thoughts and helps you determine what you've been doing right and what you've been doing wrong in your taper. Everyone is different on this journey. Just because something works for me doesn't mean it works for you BUT you will learn tactics for yourself by exploration by what others have done before you.

As time wore on, I noticed myself not thinking about sub very much.... unless I come here. I've been quiet on this forum because I felt so disconnected from the taper aspect the further I got away from my jump date. It seems I haven't forgot everything like I thought I did. I'm glad I can still offer assistance in some way. I will never forget the people that helped me through...someday you can be in my shoes paying it forward. I hope you sleep ok Anna... nite!
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
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Re: My liquid taper

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Oct 12, 2017 10:52 pm

Well I'm convinced that there is no such thing as sleep. Been laying down for 3 hours, no sleep. My head hurts.
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