need help tapering from .25

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need help tapering from .25

Postby Diveintotheblue » Mon Feb 05, 2018 11:45 pm

Hi,

So I am new here! Little background on me: I am a 40 year old woman who had an injury in a yoga class 6 years ago and got hooked on pain pills. It turned bad. It was embarrassing and degrading. I went to one detox facility and was clean for 6 weeks, but eventually relapsed after a friend was unexpectedly killed.

My history: I was happily married at 19 to the love of my life. We had two beautiful sons, the older one born with Down Syndrome. When our boys were 4 and 6, and I was only 28, my husband was killed in a tragic car accident, and I became a widow and a single mother to my boys. I had a wonderful job at a well known bank, making great money. I owned my own home, had a brand new car, spent all of my free time taking my boys to organized sports and trips to cali. My whole life revolved around them. Every weekend it was the three of us hanging out, going to festivals, etc...we were never at home. I was happy, even though I didn't have a social life really I was happy. I met someone new...he seemed amazing. I was naive. He was in the military and I found out after a few years of dating that he had another girlfriend another life in california. It was like something out of a lifetime movie. I was devastated. Worst part is I kept taking him back and believing his lies. My perfect happy ending was nothing but a facade. Years went by and I became very involved in yoga. One night I injured my hip very badly after going to a class with a different teacher who jumped right into some difficult yoga without a warm up and ended up in ER and was prescribed that first 30 percocet. At this time, my younger son was becoming a teenager and I was having a pretty rough time with him. We were fighting a lot and I was now in a job I hated. When my hip had healed, I found myself saying fuck it and taking a pill at night to relax even though I knew how wrong that was I still did it. I did it because I was so stressed/unhappy in my life and the pill made me feel good. It proved to be the start of a very downward spiral for me....revolving detox...the one inpatient detox and 2 outpatient. Meeting drug dealers in parking lots. Stealing pills from a friend's elderly dad. Stealing pills from family in England when I went on a trip there. Tricking people to give me their prescriptions for their dental meds or leftover meds. Spending money I should have been saving for future on pills. My family disgusted with me. My 15 year old finding out and crying and saying mom are you gonna die. It wasn't good. I even made a promise to my son I would never take an oxy again and of course did. I still hate that I broke that promise to him, it haunts me. I said to him "trust me, I promise, I've never promised you this and now I am and I mean it" I'm a shitty person. I ended up deciding I wanted to sell my house (short sale) and downsize to a condo. My adult son with Down Syndrome and I live in the condo now and my younger son has moved out and is in college and planning on joining the air force. I lived in a friend's guest house for a year before I got this condo and it was probably the hardest time even knowing I had sunk down to that level of not even having my own home, but living in a guest room with my adult disabled son. Who by the way I love with all my heart, but he is very challenging at times and I get so down and start feeling sorry for myself that I have no social life because all i do is care for him. I think that is how I justified my pill addiction for a long time, like basically telling myself I deserve this I deserve this crutch after all i do. I don't see him much of my younger son and it causes me so much sadness I can't describe it. It was like a death for me when he moved out. I miss him so much and that is why I am on antidepressants again and getting into therapy to try to deal with him being gone and not really having a relationship with me or his brother anymore. I honestly stress so much that he thinks I am still on pills and I hate the fact that he even knows anything about any of it. I feel like the biggest failure as a mother. He must think so low of me. i hardly see him anymore and although I know he still loves me I feel he thinks i'm a loser and have gone downhill as I used to have a great job/career and I now work at starbucks (temporarily but at least its a job?)


I have been taking suboxone for 10 months, starting out around 2mg per day. I am now down to .25 per day and I take that dose nightly, anywhere between 2-5am. I know it sounds weird, but I wait until I wake up in the middle of the night and am having the restless legs, can't sleep feeling.

I have been at that dose for the past 2-3 months, and comfortable. Recently I decided (as I only have one a half of the 8mg strips left) that I need to cut that.25 dose in half, so i can get off quicker and not have to go back to the sub doctor because i am on such a low dose I just need to suck it up and jump considering I have one more whole 8mg strip (32 doses of .25) and I don't want the subx in my prescription history either. Reason being, my regular doctor gives me anxiety and depression meds: lexapro, wellbutrin, klonopin, and ambien. Well the last time I went to my regular doc, he must have pulled up a prescription history on me randomly because when I asked him for my refill on the klonipin and ambien, he said "ok, but are you still taking the suboxone because that came up in the computer.....I answered him and of course admitted that I had been taking a tiny amount of subx, but trying very hard to come off it. I explained I take such a small amount, but he said he didn't feel comfortable giving me both the ambien and klonopin anymore as long as I'm using suboxone. So I said I understand and I'll just take my klonopin then, not the ambien and he agreed and I was on my way. This was some time ago and I have seen him since and nothing about suboxone was mentioned or came up so I'm assuming he thinks I'm off it. Now I am out of ambien and that was really helping me with the cutting down of the suboxone to the .25. Anyway, I cut my little .25 pieces that I keep in individual sandwiches baggies in half and started taking half that dose (.13?). Well...since then I have noticed I've been struggling. I thought it would be like no big deal, but i've been experiencing cravings that I was not having....such as when I get home from work I'm finding myself thinking about taking some which I was NOT doing prior. Just having cravings and thinking about it alot again, which I wasn't and that's bothering me because I was doing so good. Does anyone have any suggestions? Was it silly to think I could cut my already low dose in half and not have any symptoms? (obviously).

Last time I went to the sub doctor and he gave me the 15 8mg strips, I explained to him they last me so long because I only take such a low amount and he suggested next time I go to get the 2mg strips because they will be easier to cut smaller. I think this makes sense because i have to admit, it is really hard cutting any lower than .25 or .13 on the 8mg strips.

I guess my biggest fear of going to sub doc again to get a refill is knowing my regular doc could find out and maybe say well I'm not going to give you your klonopin anymore (which I doubt because i've been on this for years and I know you can't just stop that med even though i only take .5 a day) . I guess my question is should I try to get more suboxone (the 2mg strips this time as opposed to the 8mg strips) and maybe ask for some comfort meds for when I completely stop? How much lower can I go from .13? This stuff is SO strong. I've tried to stop before... Even at .25... and I relapsed. That isn't an option for me anymore as I cannot afford a pill habit again, I make minimum wage and can barely pay my bills as it is..

Anyway, sorry this is so long and wordy, just wanted to give my whole background! Thanks in advance for any advice anyone can give. I thought I could jump at .25 or .13 and now I'm not so sure. Glad to be here and have been reading everyone's stories!

thanks!
:crazy:
Diveintotheblue
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:11 pm
Location: Phoenix, AZ

Re: need help tapering from .25

Postby Smots » Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:51 am

Welcome! Very comprehensive first post! You are so close! Just be patient with yourself. I have no personal experience with the other meds you are prescribed. But it looks like you’ve almost eradicated the Sub! That’s Amazing!! With that, there is more work to be done. Glad you came here.
6 year sub user
Sub free 1/8/2018
Smots
 
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Re: need help tapering from .25

Postby cheeps » Tue Feb 06, 2018 3:35 pm

The very first thing I want to say to you is.....you are a fuckng strong ass woman and you are amazing!!

The only mistake you have made was cutting that last dose in half....it is strong stuff, when you get low....you have to make no more that 15% cuts...so getting the 2mg strip is fine....but we have methods of using the 8 mgs strip too....so no worries...please go back up to .25 until we can get you on a better method.

I have more to say but for now I'm checking other new threads.

Welcome to SS and we will get you off this shit. Cheeps
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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cheeps
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Re: need help tapering from .25

Postby Diveintotheblue » Tue Feb 06, 2018 5:44 pm

Hi,
First of all I want to thank both of you for replying for my obnoxiously long initial welcome post! I am actually embarrassed as I clearly overshared and went into wayyyyyyyy too much history. Haha! I can only laugh at myself, because this is me. I am sometimes over wordy and trying to work on that.

Secondly, to Cheeps, thank you for your comment! I appreciate it. Life has definitely thrown me some challenges, but I truly have tried to fight through them and up until I took that first percocet for relaxation and not actual pain, I was truly a great mom and a normal person. This opiate addiction is something that I never imagined in a million years would happen to me. I wish I would have had the strength to stop without using the subs or only used them for 6 weeks like initially planned, but as you know they get a hold of you. Being on .25 I do feel a lot clearer and not as "numb" as I was on the higher dose, but as I said I just want to be off because even the .25 truly fucks with me and makes me less active, fixating on that nighttime dose, oversleeping, etc etc.

I am definitely going to go back up to .25 and not beat myself up over it. Did I ask in my last post about the liquid taper? Can you do that with strips and is that something I should look into, or will i not need to if I am getting the 2mg strips instead when I go back?

Thanks so much for your support I am very excited I finally decided to connect with others in my situation.

thanks!
Diveintotheblue
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:11 pm
Location: Phoenix, AZ

Re: need help tapering from .25

Postby cheeps » Tue Feb 06, 2018 6:09 pm

Yes to both...since you are so low, you don't need to secretly stockpile your sub. There have been many here that had to lie to their Drs in order to get enough meds to taper slowly. They were on higher doses but you are good to go if you can get 2mg strips or pills. You might even ask for the belbuca or 2mgs pills of subutex. The subutex doesn't have a naltrexone in it but most Drs are hesitant to prescribe it unless you are pregnant or extremely trust worthy. Either can be used with the liquid taper.

It's time for you to educate yourself about the "low and slow". Since you are older now and have been on for ten months, you qualify for a slowdown. What it does is help you walk off because you experience that crappy feeling before you quit.

Read smots thread here and then read the second one.

viewtopic.php?f=5&t=3501
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=3248
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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cheeps
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Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

Re: need help tapering from .25

Postby Diveintotheblue » Thu Feb 08, 2018 1:09 pm

Thank you!
Diveintotheblue
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:11 pm
Location: Phoenix, AZ

Re: need help tapering from .25

Postby cheeps » Thu Feb 08, 2018 1:38 pm

Let me know what you think!
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9880
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm


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