Story/Help

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Story/Help

Postby drksouled » Tue Dec 19, 2017 10:25 am

Hey everyone, 6 year sub habit. Started with 16mgs (2, 8 mg strips). Over the years (where did they go?) I have decreased the dose in absolutely no consistent manner. I just would take less and less. I recently had my Dr. prescribe me the 2 mg strips because the pieces I was cutting were too small when I used the 8mg strips. I was truthfully never ready to be off the stuff. I wasn't enraged enough about my life and why I was where I was. I feel enraged now. I just want to be off.

So I am more than ready to JUMP. Every morning I wake up and have to cut a piece of this stupid crap to take I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I'm done with it. I think about just stopping everyday. I am scared. I know what it's going to feel like. I am too scared to get rid of what I have left, and I know if I hold on to it I will take it when I don't feel well. Do I just have to do it?

I have never felt any withdrawal symptoms when tapering down. I am currently taking about .25 mg's a day (maybe a bit less) and I feel fine, other than very agitated that I'm still on this stuff.

I just don't understand how I am supposed to function (go to work) while I am getting off this crap. I know it can be done, anything can be done, but I don't want to do it (withdrawal at work...I'm scared I will lose my mind).

Any help would be great, thanks a lot.
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Re: Story/Help

Postby SubJumpa » Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:37 am

Heh drksouled congrats on .25 that's a huge accomplishment!! Imho if you can be patient with yourself and taper lower it will pay off!! I just tapered to .08 after 5 years on this crap and jumped 17 days ago and can't believe how well it's gone physically!! Idk I'm still in the honeymoon phase here but damn so far so good!! Read around the site, there lots of great info. and inspirational stories on here!! You can do this- don't ever doubt that!!!

Peace T
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Re: Story/Help

Postby Eyedotz » Tue Dec 19, 2017 11:54 am

Welcome man! I love the handle if it's in any relation to a certain 'video game'... :D
Like subjumpa said, it may pay off to hold your taper a while longer.... although .25 doesn't sound like a lot, it still is. I jumped at .03mg after a 9 month taper... I had a very easy transition. At least try to get to .12mg...try skipping a day and maybe you will end up jumping... anyway, I'm glad you started a thread here. It will help you as well as many others that come behind you... :cheers2:
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Re: Story/Help

Postby cheeps » Tue Dec 19, 2017 12:22 pm

Hey dark....I know you feel like this :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: but wait just a little bit longer so we can see if you need any help.

Three questions....how old are you? Do you exercise at all? Do you live by yourself?


If you can educate yourself a little here...it might not be that bad. This place has its share of horror stories but they may not pertain to you.

Stay with us so we can help you.

And kudos to you for tapering....that's HUGE!!!! :banana: :cheers: :cheers: :cheers: Good work!!
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Re: Story/Help

Postby drksouled » Tue Dec 19, 2017 1:13 pm

Eyedotz, yes, I'm a huge Dark Souls fan (mainly the first one, although three was great too). Something about Lordran though...

Thanks for all the replies.

I am 36, weigh about 120 pounds (I've always been light), I do pushups and stretch everyday (not really working out, but I would be open to more activity). I'm healthy and athletic, but I have been drinking way too much Hennessy lately (another problem).

It wasn't hard for me to taper down to where I'm at. But it's feeling really difficult to get any lower.

I don't know, I have so many things and thoughts running through my head about this that I just think I need to do it. Maybe I'll taper as low as I can and do it.

Thanks y'all.
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Re: Story/Help

Postby drksouled » Tue Dec 19, 2017 1:16 pm

Oh yes, I live by myself. My life is pretty much in tatters. I've been a "functioning addict" my entire life, but I haven't been functioning too well, so I guess you can just call me an addict. I do have a couple friends I can relate this to, and I'm lucky my family supports me. I am just too ashamed to tell anyone about it. I'm used to being alone though. These are all reasons I need to get off this stuff. I deceive myself all the time, but I do feel that getting off subs is the only way to move forward, for me.
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Re: Story/Help

Postby drksouled » Tue Dec 19, 2017 3:11 pm

Cheeps, I've been a lurker here for awhile. I am actually very educated on the entire subject (I have more to learn, of course), but I do consider myself more educated than many who are trying to quit. Sometimes I think this is a detriment because there's so many things to be concerned about. If I didn't know what it was going to feel like (I've been through heroin, alcohol, xanax WD's) I could just do it, but probably be in for a rude awakening. Heck, one time I detoxed from Heroin, Sub, Xanax, and alcohol all in the same month. It was Hell. After that episode I started back on subs and have been on ever since for the past 6 years. Just a shell of myself for 6 years.

All I know for sure is that if you play you're gonna pay. I guess things happen for a reason. We'll see if that applies to me too.
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Re: Story/Help

Postby drksouled » Tue Dec 19, 2017 4:21 pm

I'm going to keep adding to this. I want to say that I am highly mentally addicted to Subs. I am down to .25 a day but I take that in three separate doses, morning, noon, and night. I understand that this is not helping me. I have many rituals that I need to break. Mainly I take my doses and than read novels. All I've done is read for the past 6 years. I mean that. I just finished War and Peace. I've read Don Quixote about four times. Good times. Anyway, I think I need to start right now taking that .25 in ONE dose. When is the best time to take it? If I took it in the morning, then mentally I would be challenged the rest of the day. However, I really like to take it in the morning just for the peace of mind that I "took my meds". Well, maybe I need to get used to NOT taking my meds!

Is there a "best" time to take your one daily dose? It is not good to take it in three separate doses, right?

Thanks so much.
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Re: Story/Help

Postby cheeps » Tue Dec 19, 2017 6:51 pm

Darksoul....you are very low and the fact that you haven't felt much in the way of wds when dropping means a lot. You are young, you are able to exercise, you have some support. Of course they don't understand what you are going thru....but they are aware and that's saying something.

You may be mentally hooked but now that you are pissed and have the time to get off....it's a matter of putting plans in place for the day you walk off.

Have you read any threads on liquid taper?
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Re: Story/Help

Postby drksouled » Wed Dec 20, 2017 8:22 am

Cheeps, yes I have read things on a liquid taper. I'm not sure what it is about it that turns me off. I'll look into more but I guess you can get more accurate doses that way? Thanks again.
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Re: Story/Help

Postby cheeps » Wed Dec 20, 2017 11:06 am

You are walking the fence still on stopping. I get it. I'm just glad you are here and have read up on this shit. I relate with you because I'm stuck on SAOs and hate it. But it's not time to make the break yet. I don't know when it's going to be :banghead: :banghead: ....so I'm feeling your pain on that. :punchballs:
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2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: Story/Help

Postby drksouled » Wed Dec 20, 2017 2:01 pm

I'm glad I'm here too, thanks. I will stay here, because this has to be done soon, and I'm looking forward to journaling my "experience".
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Re: Story/Help

Postby CatsMeow » Wed Dec 20, 2017 2:05 pm

Hi & welcome darksoul. I'm so happy for you that you're all the way down to .25 per day. That's amazing. I know what you mean about feeling like you're hooked on subs. I feel that way too. I was put (& am still on) such a high dose of it compared to the SAO that I was taking, so I'm scared too.

I've struggled with every .25 mg drop every time! You're really lucky that you've not had that experience. It's just that you're so close to getting off this shit. Let Cheeps set you up with a good taper plan & do it! You've come to the right place & I hope that the answers set you free from subs.
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Re: Story/Help

Postby drksouled » Wed Dec 20, 2017 2:24 pm

cats meow and cheeps, the reason I am hesitant to feel confident about no WD symptoms is because I haven't done a proper taper, and I've been on it for 6 years, so I'm nervous it's all just so built up in my system. But the fact remains that I currently have the 2 mg film strips, and one strip lasts me 8 days, at least. I have not been measuring these portions out to the exact mg. That is my next step, as well as dosing only once a day, as opposed to 3 times a day, which is not helping me, mentally.

Thanks.
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Re: Story/Help

Postby Mare » Thu Dec 21, 2017 8:48 am

Hey DS, I wanted to say congrats first off, you've made some huge steps towards freedom from the sub, what you've done takes courage and strength.

Next, I want to say that many folks here have successfully jumped off at a very low dose with minimal symptoms while taking a split dose. Two times a day is okay. I can see why you would feel like you're babying yourself at 3x daily, but it's not necessary to only be dosing 1x daily. I just don't want to see you torture yourself over this detail, but I understand if it's just you feel like you have to do.

I'm thinking maybe try not to be so hard on yourself, you are lucky to have made it this far without really struggling with any symptoms worth mentioning. Perhaps the thing that is scaring you is actually working to your benefit.. maybe your expectation of how terrible the WDs will feel has helped you reach this point, and brushed off any discomfort as child's play. You have been through a lot, and you have detoxed from all the classes of drugs that are known for giving a person hell in a VERY short time frame. Tell yourself that nothing could be that bad again, and keep walking forward. You are in good company, and I believe in you.

What about your taper hasn't been proper? I only ask these questions because I was really doubting myself for not suffering more, and started to get ahead of myself. I am only at 2mg currently and so I'm way behind you, but I get the fear and the feeling of inadequacy.

I am a split doser at 2x daily and I'm okay with it because it helps me. I recently went on a trip where I physically overexerted myself and ended up splitting that further down to 3x daily. It seems excessive and unnecessary, but it helped. If you're worried about making it through work, I wouldn't make a big change like that now. You have had huge success so far with your current method! I'm sorry if this sounds preachy at all. Everything I've said has been with love and feel free to regard me as the peanut gallery.

Mare
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Re: Story/Help

Postby drksouled » Thu Dec 21, 2017 9:58 am

Mare, thanks so much for your reply. It's interesting how you don't know me at all yet say "try not to be so hard on yourself", because my therapist tells me that all the time. So I guess that is easy for other people to see.

My issue with split dosing (and this is just my perspective, of course), is all about the mental aspect. It's much easier to feel less reliant on anything the less you have of it, in general. For six years I have reinforced three times a day that I need Subs. I don't think physically that I do, I think mentally that I do. Physically I would be fine taking my dose once a day. That's my only issue with it. So for me, I believe that while I continue to taper, I should move to dosing twice a day, and then once a day, therefore eliminating the unnecessary fear of missing a dose, and lessening some fear, making it easier to jump when I do.

The reason I say my taper hasn't been proper relates to the fact that while tapering, I very seldom would measure out my doses. Sometimes I would take a little less every day, sometimes I would take a little more. I don't know, this is all confusing. The bottom line is that I'm on .25 mg's a day. I guess it really doesn't matter how you got to a low dose, as long as your'e being honest with yourself. I just want off.

I think, to my benefit, I stayed on each dose for a very long time, not because I was being overly conscientious, but because I just did, for no reason. I think I stayed on 2mg's for at least a year (totally not necessary, perhaps), I stayed on 1 mg for a year, so on and so forth. I've been at .25 mg's for like 3 months.

You're not being preachy, just glad you're around. If you have any questions or anything (or want to tell me anything), let me know. Thanks :)
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Re: Story/Help

Postby cheeps » Thu Dec 21, 2017 10:16 am

drksouled wrote:Mare, thanks so much for your reply. It's interesting how you don't know me at all yet say "try not to be so hard on yourself", because my therapist tells me that all the time. So I guess that is easy for other people to see.

My issue with split dosing (and this is just my perspective, of course), is all about the mental aspect.

The bottom line is that I'm on .25 mg's a day. I guess it really doesn't matter how you got to a low dose, as long as your'e being honest with yourself. I just want off.

I think, to my benefit, I stayed on each dose for a very long time, not because I was being overly conscientious, but because I just did, for no reason. I think I stayed on 2mg's for at least a year (totally not necessary, perhaps), I stayed on 1 mg for a year, so on and so forth. I've been at .25 mg's for like 3 months.



I think that this has actually helped you...yes, you wished you hadn't stayed on so long....but the long taper at this point is very helpful. Many peeps that are in the routine of split dosing take a vitamin, a otc med, or a Hershey bar as replacement when they cut out a dose...even a piece of gum.

And mare is right...forgive your for being human. :D
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Re: Story/Help

Postby drksouled » Thu Dec 21, 2017 12:59 pm

Cheeps, I want to be SUPERHUMAN!
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Re: Story/Help

Postby CatsMeow » Thu Dec 21, 2017 4:18 pm

That's the spirit! When it comes to a sub taper, I want to be super human too! You're at such a low dose & that's fantastic. Dropping one dose should be doable for you. I dose twice per day for pain relief. 1st around 9 AM & 2nd around 6 PM. I do feel that I'm in control of my dose & that's empowering.

Cheeps always says that we have control over our taper & of course we all know that Cheep's is always right! We just have to listen...
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Re: Story/Help

Postby cheeps » Sat Dec 23, 2017 10:52 am

Cheeps is NOT always right. Everyone has their way of tapering and healing. I learn from all of you and pass that info along to others. :smart:

Experience is the best instructor. That makes everyone's experience valid and EXTREMELY useful. Cat...Cheeps gets shit wrong and doesn't mind being called out. I'm here to guide everyone....Everyone is different...That is why I love reading about each peeps story. I learn so much from all of us/ you. :cheers:

Without you guys I'm nothing but hot air!!! :mrgreen:
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