Quittin Time!!

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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby SubJumpa » Wed Jan 24, 2018 7:24 am

Been a bit since I posted last.. checking myself before I wreck myself here on day 53! This fuckn roller coaster ride is really fucin with me the last few days. I'll have a few days of feeling so fucking good and then drop right back into the abyss of darkness.. just no motivation, ambition/ purpose the last few days here.. Freddy seems to be fuckin with me a bit here too.. So after getting off Oxys and onto sub for 5 years I had managed to remove almost any chance of being able to score opys- changed my number/ cut ties with everyone and anything that had to do with dope. Well sure enough now that I'm clean of opys this kid I work with comes In to work and shows me a bottle of oxy 30's and asks if I want in.. wtf!! Well I said fuc no but what baffles me is that even after all the hell I just went through with this taper my fucked up thinking still entertains the thought.. I know it's all bullshit lies- you guys know- damn now that I'm off sub finally it would feel so good to just sniff one of those blue fuckers...Anyways the thoughts creep in but I've been managing to kick them to da curb so far.. The last thing I need to do right now is fall back on the very drug that got me into this mess...

Anyways I hope everyone is well in subsux land today!! I'm struggling a bit but the thought of things getting better and better continues to give me hope..
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby nomojo3479 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 7:35 am

Man life is a mofo.. stay the fuck away from the kid with the Oxys.. newly clean people are amazingly vulnerable to Freddy. Please use caution
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby CatsMeow » Wed Jan 24, 2018 10:15 am

Oh Tim, please stay clean today. Deal with tomorrow, well tomorrow. If freddy whispers knock the shit out of that fucker! It's all lies. Snorting that oxy will not make you feel good. In fact you'll feel like shit. Do you really want to go through a sub taper again? I think not.

Hang on Tim. You've done everything right. Coming here is the best idea. Stay away from that dude at work. Bad news dude. Keep banking those days. You CAN do this! Stay strong my friend.
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby cheeps » Wed Jan 24, 2018 10:39 am

These tests and the thoughts....the ups and downs? Sooooo fucking normal and a bitch to face. But you are doing IT. Those oxys would be so good....for the first hour....maybe even a couple hours....then between you beating yourself up and the major depressive thoughts that follow because your brain got satiated...but now it's gone....and your brain is confused and the chemicals and neurotransmitters are freaking out.

No...it is so not worth it. :MrT: :MrT: Tell that kid to suck a Weiner.

The intrusive thoughts alone would drive you mad.

You will have more tests over the years....each one will come out of the blue. I think the worse is finding a pill in the car floorboard or in a pocket of a jacket you wore last year...or dreaded toothaches.....broken ankles. :ogeez: :ogeez:

If you ever out your hand on anything....drop it to the ground fast and grind it in the dust.

You never want to go back and you won't now.

Patience on the good and bad days. Caffeine, stress, exhaustion, blowing snow....these things throw you back....OR up and down....best stupid rollercoaster in town.

But I have all the faith in the world in you. I'm banking on Tim, not Freddy. Tim will prevail...Freddy will finally go away.....


It happens.....just have patience and be good to yourself.
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby SubJumpa » Thu Jan 25, 2018 5:13 am

Thanks guys for the kind replies yesterday!! It's all good and fine telling Freddy to fuc off but sometimes I just need to hear smarten the fuc up Tim!!! Day 54 here we come...
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby cheeps » Thu Jan 25, 2018 11:41 am

TIM, smarten the FUCK up!!!
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby CatsMeow » Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:20 pm

Tim, I'm glad you posted about this. While we're tapering & jumping it's all about the subs. But when we're 54 days out it becomes different and for the rest of our lives. We all need to be armed with information to stay away from freddy when he comes a callin'. You did that yesterday. I may be a ways off but I think I'll go to the section here about staying clean because I know freddy is coming for me & I sure as hell better be ready.

I hope you're having a good day because you deserve it!
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby Annalo57 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 7:12 pm

Hello Tim. Day 54 huh?? How freaking awesome are you??? I read your post and I hear that Freddy came to call in PHYSICAL FORM< and you kicked him to the curb. You give me strength. I'm so obsessed with the tape that I haven't even considered how it will be when its over. My drug dealer still texts me about once a month. I don't respond. I don't want to change my #, Ive had it for years and years and I'm just not up for the drama of changing it. So I ignore the fucker who wants me to fail. Addicts will think about using, but as long as you say no, don't beat yourself up. You know that I love you, and I'm so so proud of you. Its is a honor to know you. :kiss:

Always,
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby Dcleanist » Fri Jan 26, 2018 10:07 am

Congrats on 2 months

your getting there. A few bad days beat all bad days but Freddy won't tell you that. Even stable people have there moments. And that's all I'm gonna say about that. opys will always be around. There is no rush to do this over. 60 days of success and you can't wait one more day. That's a red flag flag on it's own.

If you do 3 things at once it's harder to think negative. Like listening to music while doing chores and at the same time think how your gonna repair the holes in the wall from banging our heads. Better a hole in the wall then in our heads. Fill the gap with flowers and your shit won't stink.

Make 60 marks on a paper to relize how much work you truly put in. Than give your self a hand and laugh. Because you're doing something not everyone can do. im already on my tenth second chance. Dont want to beg for another one. Yay for good days.

Remember this phase because when it ends you might have a period of steady just ok. For me it's easier dealing with good and bad but just ok. F. Like everything. It will pass. Peace
The voice of reason is reasonably late.
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby SubJumpa » Wed Jan 31, 2018 10:11 am

So grateful for uze guys and Ss!! Thanks for the words of strength and encouragement as always!!

6o days in.... This time around I’m really trying to figure what it is that makes me feel that I need to escape life or alter my state of mind to get through the day..I look at my life and think to myself I should be the happiest sob alive...a loving wife and great kids, decent enough job/home etc...so why is it I feel the need to escape.. not so sure I’m trying to escape from any of these things as much as I am myself....but why?? Granted it’s just a couple hits of weed daily right now but it still boils down to feeling like I just need something to quiet the noise..

Idk I just feel like I really need to do something different in order to find the answer to the question I’m seeking.. It’s always something ... whether it’s been weed, cigarettes, cocaine, opys, acid, xtasy, work, sex...... the fucking list goes infinite!! I’ve been seeing this new therapist for the past few weeks and the guy is pretty cool. Definitely has me looking at different ways to think about this thing called life and the way I view it and myself..On one hand tapering and jumping off subs makes me think and believe that I can overcome anything.....then there’s the other hand that thinks I’m never going to really be free and I will always be looking for a way out.. Maybe I’m sicker than I think or maybe I’m just unstable as hell from opys for a decade.. Not sure at this point but at least I’m willing to try and find out this time instead of playing run&hide!!
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Wed Jan 31, 2018 12:19 pm

I ask myself the exact same question. Many times I have sabatouged my own life with that need and drive. Too stressed, need an escape. Too bored, need an escape. Over worked, underworked.. escape...whatever it is there’s part of me always looking to feel better in some stimulated way. I am amazed I never drank to alcoholic status (except in social phases like going to bars in college). I do think habit has something to do with it. You get used to being able to take a chemical break and over enough time it becomes behavioral. There were times I’d literally say I’m taking a ‘chemical vacation’. Plus, there’s very well document studies on dopamine reward centers in the brain that, shall we say, never forget how good you can make things (at least that’s how that part of the brain sees it. It can’t see consequences, only pleasure). I think it’s all three (and probably more factors an expert would know over me). But personality type including past experiences (usually negative ones like being bullied, lonely and of course abused) and this includes known genetic tendencies even without painful past experiences. A use history, where you train your brain for super charged rewards, and the actual thoughts and behaviors that make it happen. But
it’s not some ‘incurable disease’, but rather a condition and mental habits, both of which can be completely reversed. People create and distory habitual thinking and behaviors all the time. You just got to do some synaptic rewiring.

The most important aspect of your post is your clear desire for change and your outstandingly self-awareness. You want change, and you just proved anything you want badly enough you are capable of doing. I don’t have answers but I can tell you that your feelings are shared by many, many people. But only a few have the privilege of being in a position to ask the questions you are asking. You’re asking healing questions when most are stuck asking survival questions.

You are a rock.
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Buprenorphine: 10 years @ 16 mg/d ave. - Jumped Off February 5, 2018 @ 0.09mg
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby Dcleanist » Wed Jan 31, 2018 1:00 pm

Dude

Some are more aggressive than others. Than there is the lazy type. You don't sound lazy. Some will never be satisfied but they/we/me can be happy. I think we eventually settle down to a stable satisfaction but when. Never now. Lol. Gonna get that tattooed on my ass. F me. Peace congrats
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby cheeps » Fri Feb 02, 2018 9:42 am

Better late than never...

:banana: :banana: two very hard earned little dancing naners for you!

Tim, you are entering.....gasp, oh shit, here it comes, hide in here, no, hide over there.....the 'Is this how its gonna be the rest of my life?' zone.

Now...I want you to return to the three weeks after you actually jumped....maybe around day ten, I think I asked you to remember it, the "feel on top of the world moments". You were near the top of the post detox roller coaster and flying high...now you are going down the hill and damn it,"the ride isn't as good as it was all racked up to be..WTF?". You are going to cruise along questioning your sanity for even buying the ticket...and WTF, ole Freddy is sitting NEXT to you :crazy: and worse....the end is not in sight....this is a long damn ride. What the hell were you thinking?

Go read the staying clean section...there's something in there that will even the ride out and eventually the bitch will stop.....when you finally get out of the unamusement park and get in the car....life will be brighter and better....like those few weeks you got a peek of after day ten.

SVDD explained it very well and he'll get his ticket in the mail soon enough. You are a smart man to get the new ideas on getting rid of the old life. That will help...the other helper is time....healing the noggin takes time.
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby CatsMeow » Fri Feb 02, 2018 10:33 am

Good for you Tim seeing a new therapist. This is the time to work on your brain & thoughts. There's still much work to be done. You're not just sitting around & sulking. You're being proactive & looking for the answers. They're out there & I do believe that you will find them.

60 days is awesome! This is one of the hardest drugs to taper off of and you did it. Your rewards are out there for you Tim. Your life is going to be bright once your brain heals with time.

For every negative I bet if you think out about it are many many positives. You've got a great life going for yourself there. You will succeed. Your mind will heal. Your future is very bright!
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby Annalo57 » Wed Feb 07, 2018 11:25 pm

Tim, my love. Even if you hadn't been on Subs, but had many years on opies or other drugs, it takes the brain time to heal. You've been fucking with your brain for a long time. Its broken. You need time to physically heal your brain. Then you need time to learn how your physically healthy brain functions. THEN you need to figure out what your foibles are and address them. Its a long process and even longer when dealing with Subs. You didn't break your brain in 2 or 3 months, it won't heal in 2 or 3 months. So my best advice is to check in with your therapist before you do anything of consequence. Just to examine your decision making process with the help of an objective observer.

A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I had 6 years clean. For the first 18 mos I didn't even get a haircut without running it by my group (therapy, not 12 step). I needed to let others drive because my decision making process always got me into trouble. Even with 6 mos clean I was doing stupid, high risk things, just to get out of my own head. I had a very hard time just being with myself so I made some bad choices using my broken brain. After a particularly self destructive weekend that had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, it dawned on me that I just could not trust my own thinking. So I made a decision that I would not make any more decisions on my own for the foreseeable future. It took quite a while before I trusted myself to make any real choices at all. But I did get better. I am an addict, however, so even with 6 years clean I got a bit complacent, and I made more terrible choices, and thats how I ended up here. I don't know if its nature or nurture but I tend to think its both.

My point is, you will not figure this all out right away. Give yourself a break. Everything you're feeling is normal, you are still recovering. But it does get better. I promise. If I didn't know that, I would not be doing this taper. But I do know that. You've won the battle, now you have to win the war. And you will. Be good to yourself. You've earned it. :kiss:

Love you my friend. Thanks for checking in on my thread. It means the world to me.

This is my song for the day. I posted it on my thread but in case you miss it there.....SMILE!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0C3zgYW_FAM

Anna :banana:
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby SubJumpa » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:14 pm

Heh peeps

Lately when I come on here and post it’s kinda been about the mental mindfuc that I’ve been going through as of late.. Anyway I was rereading some of my thread earlier today as it seems to help to compare where I was at last week or last month and so on.. So yah gotta say I’m coming off the best week I’ve had yet post sub!! Physically I would say I’m feeling 95% and with the exception of an off day here or there as far as motivation goes I feel great!! Now the mental challenge has been back and forth but the good stretches seem to be increasing in duration. And let me just say it’s been the little things I’m enjoying the most. Hanging with the wife and kiddos is enjoyable again instead of feeling like a burden and feeling joy and emphathy once again is amazing!!! I can honestly say that I am so grateful for the good days and bad days at this point! Anyways hope all you fine peeps are doing well!!

Much love Tim
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby Smots » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:54 pm

Tim, this is just what I wanted to hear! Thanks bro! Keep it up!
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby CatsMeow » Wed Feb 14, 2018 3:00 pm

Great info Tim. I'm glad that you're doing so well. Ya know, it really is the little things in life that are the best. Life isn't always rainbows, but it takes the good & the not so good to really appreciate life to the fullest. Sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.

Best of luck to you man. Thanks for keeping us updated. It really helps.
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby cheeps » Thu Feb 15, 2018 2:45 pm

SubJumpa wrote:Heh peeps

Lately when I come on here and post it’s kinda been about the mental mindfuc that I’ve been going through as of late.. Anyway I was rereading some of my thread earlier today as it seems to help to compare where I was at last week or last month and so on.. So yah gotta say I’m coming off the best week I’ve had yet post sub!! Physically I would say I’m feeling 95% and with the exception of an off day here or there as far as motivation goes I feel great!! Now the mental challenge has been back and forth but the good stretches seem to be increasing in duration. And let me just say it’s been the little things I’m enjoying the most. Hanging with the wife and kiddos is enjoyable again instead of feeling like a burden and feeling joy and emphathy once again is amazing!!! I can honestly say that I am so grateful for the good days and bad days at this point! Anyways hope all you fine peeps are doing well!!

Much love Tim



So....the rollercoaster ain't over yet....soon you will hit a plateau and it will nag at you....just when you think it's over.....something, mostly the blahs, will come along. This is just part of the healing so don't worry if it happens.

You kicked subs ass and in a few months, you'll be back to a new normal. :cheers: :cheers: :cheers:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: Quittin Time!!

Postby SubJumpa » Thu Feb 22, 2018 6:45 am

So....the rollercoaster ain't over yet...


Damn peeps hold me down here- Not trying to freak anyone out here or anything but this is the toughest mental up/down battle I’ve ever endured. :crazy: I know it’s gonna take some serious time to get right, trying to be patient and just keep banking dayz.. I really want to post more and offer support to my fellow warriors here but honestly I think.....That’s my fucin problem I think too much!!!
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