Took the plunge (journal)

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Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:50 am

Decided to finally stop taking subs this past weekend, last dose was Sunday at 2 P.M (1 mg). I've been at that dose for a few months now, I still have an RX for two months worth sitting in my dresser and quite a few left. I know I could continue to taper but something just snapped this past weekend and I was determined to stop. I just want to feel like a person again. Thought I would do a journal, felt like putting it in words. I went through sub w/d about 5 years ago from a fairly high dose (6mg) so I have gone through it before though I was so completely unprepared for sobriety back then (it didn't last long) I hardly think it counts.

Day 1 (Mon.)
---------------
No real issues, I did feel vaguely uncomfortable. I don't work Mondays so I just hung out at home. I did not sleep well this night (Mon -> Tue), I went to sleep at 2 A.M and woke up at 7 A.M. I took a nap at one point. I usually sleep a solid 8 hours at LEAST, without interruption, I can probably say goodbye to that for a while.

Day 2 (Tue.)
--------------
Felt pretty shitty when I woke up and throughout the day, watery eyes, no appetite, depressed mood, yawning, all that good stuff. Thankfully I didn't have real issues w/ my legs or back. Went to work which was mostly fine. I was able to fall asleep at 3 A.M(Wed.) but woke up at like 4:30. Trying to go back to sleep was impossible, coming off this stuff gives me the most messed up dreams where in my half conscious mind sleep can only be obtained through some impossible puzzle if I could only put the pieces together. I never can and end up staying awake until I'm exhausted. Went back to sleep at 7 and woke up at 10:30.

Day 3 (Wed.)
---------------
Symptoms got worse when I got to work, my lower back and legs finally got the hint something was missing around noon and started acting up. Work was fine except for me feeling like dog shit and being antsy. I knew I wasn't going to sleep so I drove around for a while after work, got home at around 3:30 A.M and I've been up since. I'm just trying to wait out the discomfort in my legs before I even attempt sleep otherwise it'll just be an exercise in frustration.

So this is day 4, around 87 hours since my last dose.

I lost a friend a few weeks ago, out of the blue, to Fent laced H and that got me thinking hard about how I want to live my life and it's definitely not like this. I don't want to say I wasted the past 2 years on this shit because it did help me stay off Heroin and reclaim everyday normalcy but I can't say I felt or lived as passionately as I could or wanted. It's fine to have a life but if you don't enjoy it then what the fuck is the point? For all the good bupe can do it definitely neutered my passion for life, I just want my goddamn balls back even if it hurts.
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby Mare » Thu Nov 30, 2017 6:03 am

Hey man, welcome! Glad to see your journal up. I can't imagine a jump that high (well I can, I just don't want to!) A lot of people here have gotten through a high jump on their hate for subs. Let that rage fuel your fight in the days (and weeks) to come.

I know the feelings you're talking about though. I have had some of my best friends disappear overnight and I felt like I had to make some big changes to honor their memory. I slipped a few times, but I still think about them all the time and remembering them gets me feeling all kinds of emotions, but it keeps me strong. Hang in there man. We're here for you. I'll be around, I usually stay up pretty late and I check on the forum all the time. If you need an ear or just wanna chat feel free to send a PM.

Mare
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Thu Nov 30, 2017 6:16 am

Thanks for the reply. I've been off H for almost 2 years coming up and I finally feel like I can come off this stuff and not fall back on something worse. It really hurt to lose him and I wasn't even as close to him as some of my friends were. I'm really good friends with his older brother, me and him both went through the wringer together with this shit and for the most part came out O.K. Guess seeing us go through that mess still didn't put him off the idea. If I had known he was touching that shit I would have said something to him, though I don't know what good it would have done. Such an ugly business.
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby Mare » Thu Nov 30, 2017 6:34 am

That really sucks man, I'm sorry. And you're right, there's probably not a lot we can do to stop them when they're in it. Nothing anyone said or did stopped me, right? I'd just tell someone to fuck off and I know better if they told me I'm not gonna die. I pretty much thought I was too smart to O.D... kinda funny in a sick way "I'm one of those intelligent junkies!" Yeah right..

I'm sorry for your loss. Stay close to the people around you like his brother. Be there for each other you know? All we can do is not be next. I have this creeping feeling that it's not over and it's never gonna be. I just don't wanna be next on the list of people I know who have died from this shit. I don't want anyone to be, but the only person I can keep off the list with any success is myself

Mare
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Thu Nov 30, 2017 3:10 pm

Mare wrote:That really sucks man, I'm sorry. And you're right, there's probably not a lot we can do to stop them when they're in it. Nothing anyone said or did stopped me, right? I'd just tell someone to fuck off and I know better if they told me I'm not gonna die. I pretty much thought I was too smart to O.D... kinda funny in a sick way "I'm one of those intelligent junkies!" Yeah right..

I'm sorry for your loss. Stay close to the people around you like his brother. Be there for each other you know? All we can do is not be next. I have this creeping feeling that it's not over and it's never gonna be. I just don't wanna be next on the list of people I know who have died from this shit. I don't want anyone to be, but the only person I can keep off the list with any success is myself

Mare


Yup! He had the biggest freaking ego of anyone I knew, I know his brother tried to intervene but even that wasn't enough. His brother and their family and everyone was just devastated, I've never seen a bigger outpouring of support, hundreds of people showed up for him. I was hospitalized twice for taking bad shit, weirdly enough for tachycardia after taking dope but I suspect it was cut with something nasty. The first time I went and got a "sorry for putting you in the hospital here's some free good shit" bag from my dealer as soon as I got out, looking back on that I feel like a total fucking moron. Now I feel that I wouldn't trust some of these people to pump my gas, never-mind know how to cut heroin that won't kill someone.

I did manage to sleep a few hours here and there but this morning was the worst one yet, though the worst seems to be over. My legs have finally chilled out, wish they did it sooner so I could have slept longer. I have some 0.5mg Clonazepam that's so freaking old I hope it still works but I'm going to take some of that tonight before I attempt sleep, probably should have taken some last night but I was so wired and frayed I doubt it would have done any good. I learned my lesson a long time ago not to take OTC sleep meds or alcohol or anything really during that kind of insomnia because it will often make it 10x worse when you inevitably wake up a short time later. Anyway, off to work. I feel drained but O.K.
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Thu Nov 30, 2017 3:15 pm

Just wanted to add this, I took a HOT epsom salt bath around 7 A.M and managed to sleep for maybe 2 hours. When I woke up I put some Icy Hot on my legs and lower back, something I've never tried before. Well... I got some on my balls, that was a rude awakening. Keep that stuff away from your jewels everyone!
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby Eyedotz » Thu Nov 30, 2017 4:34 pm

haha! Sorry about your balls dude! Rude awakening indeed!

I wanted to say welcome to SS and introduce myself... I'm one of the vets (in my own mind) around here. I jumped at .03mg so I have no experience with a 1mg jump. I do know you will feel the worst between day 5-12. It seems like after 30 days, you will start to feel better slowly. A non-measurable slowly but over time, you will see that you've made strides. Just be patient with yourself and try to keep life low stress for a while.

One thing that worries me is your stock pile. Once you feel you are safe and over the hill of going back... ceremoniously burn that shit! You do not want it around months down the road when you hit the 'life is boring/I am bored/what the hell do I do' phase. We all go through this post-sub.

Yes, take baths whenever you can. Take naps, even if its 10 mins. The lack of sleep will suck for a LONG time. Don't frustrate yourself when you cannot sleep... just get up and netflix binge. There is a lot of physical anxiety at the beginning...so teach yourself to relax. Deep square breathing helped me a lot. Sleep music (rain storms, etc) with headphones, ibuprofen and melatonin was all I used to get through it. During the day, keep headphones on - It will keep the twirling thoughts to a minimum and create natural endorphins... Music makes you feel better, trust me.

I'm sorry about your friend. I lost 2 people that I was very close with in the past and I miss them dearly. I would have preferred them on a sub script... that's for sure. At least being on sub isn't a death sentence.

Nice to meet you!
~dotz
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:25 pm

Thank you for the reply. I agree and I've been there in the past when I was first starting out, using the subs like a street drug when I'm bored or want to feel a high. I'm not going to see my doctor until January so I think I'll hold onto the script at least and just get rid of the strips I have lying around in the near future. I had told him I was going to probably try and quit after Christmas / the New Year but I got a hair in my ass about it and didn't want to wait. I'm still going to weekly meetings, next one is tomorrow morning, that should be some good help. It's a really great group, though they're all still on Suboxone, I'm going to be the first one off so we'll see how that goes. I've always ascribed to the idea that even if you're on bupe under a doctors prescription and are in a treatment plan you're not actually clean, I know that can be a touchy subject. I do think you can still be 'clean' from your drug of choice and that's really the first big goal but lets not kid ourselves; bupe is an extremely powerful opiod, period. I was lucky in that my doctor is extremely active in this field, the brain chemistry behind it and he layed it out for me straight. He put me on a very good path and let me make my own choices about tapering.

I basically live with a pair of headphones on, especially at work to drown out chatter. Usually listening to podcasts but sometimes I'll use A Soft Murmur for background noise. I have a buttload of 800mg Ibuprofen tabs from when I herniated a disc in my neck. I've taken it in the past (in a much lower dose) during withdrawals but never really felt a noticeable effect but I might try one with a meal if I'm feeling achey. I totally agree about music, especially it just being... better, almost ecstatically so after you get this shit out of your system, must be our brains natural response having a chance to settle in where before the bupe had everything locked up. (total bullshit non-scientific "Not a Doctor" speculation of the highest order)
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:29 pm

Night at work is going well so far. I usually take a few trips down and back up the 7 flights for a little exercise during my shift, that got me hot flashing like a menopausal woman. I'm still feeling 'O.K', the restless legs and back pain have almost totally waned away, nothing like it was yesterday and this morning. My most pressing concern is whether I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'm probably going to try taking a Clonodine just to try and seal the deal but at least I don't feel like a raw nerve exposed to the wind any more. When I'm trying to fall asleep and a thunderbolt of dyskinesia travels from my brain to my thigh I feel like punching out a window. What an insane frustration.

I must have gone through SAO w/d from H and everything else dozens of times and I would almost always have the same dream. Me dashing through a dilapidated house, pursued by some ghost or unseen evil. Down stairwells and corridors and basements until the whole rotting mess caved in on me. Jung said in Man and his Symbols that a house can represent the self, finding a new room or exploration within in a sign of personal growth. If that's the case then my shit was definitely in need of a renovation. Haven't had a dream like that since I got off H thankfully.
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby Mare » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:44 pm

I feel you on the crazy H dreams man. I'm at work so I can't type it all out right now but i had one I'll never forget. Basically went like this: I was running from the cops and came on this field where the sun was shining and an ambulance was in the distance, my clean friend dancing in the sun in between. I ran back toward the cops and my feet were broken, and I tried to call for help but my teeth fell out. I boarded a bus with no driver and it was dark, but I could see a shadowy figure with glowing eyes approach me from the back of the bus.. as it came closer I recognized it.. it was me... Shadow me kicked my ass and I lost. I woke up terrified. All so literal and no real need for interpretation but it really hit me.

Hope you can sleep tonight. Keep it up man. I dont think I could make it to work after I jump!!

Mare
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:56 pm

That is for sure one wild ass dream, the part on the bus gave me a chill. Yeah yesterday at work was rough, Tuesday and Today have been ~o. k~, manageable at least. I work nights so I thankfully don't have to interact with a ton of people, just 3 of us here tonight and I'll be by myself for the last hour.
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby Mare » Thu Nov 30, 2017 11:14 pm

That's good! Glad you're pushing through it. I work nights too and get to spend the final for alone as well counting the cash. It's the best way to end a day, but I only work on warehouse day so it's kind of like a paid workout! Couldn't handle it if I were hurting cause I still have to deal with people (floor manager at Walgreens means having to listen to a lot of complaints from people who have to wait in line for their meds. Maybe I should start telling them to just taper and they won't have to wait in any lines?? Nahhh I'll get in trouble)
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Fri Dec 01, 2017 4:52 pm

Here I am at day 5, 122 hours later. Trying to get to sleep last night was not as easy as I had hoped. I miswrote the drug earlier, I meant to say Clonazepam which is a generic Klonopin. I had been given Clonodine for sleep issues when tapering before and got them mixed up. So I took .5 mg Clonazepam at around midnight then another at 2 A.M when I got home. Still couldn't sleep so I took a 25 mg Amitryptaline which was ALSO prescribed for sleep issues while tapering last year. I took it a few times before but never liked how I felt in the morning so I stopped, it did used to knock me out though.

So, 1mg of Clonazepam and 25 mg of Amitryptaline are in me now and just to seal the deal I took a short hot bath and soaked my legs. Hit the bed and fell asleep for... 2 hours. Woke up around 5 A.M soaked in sweat, tried to get back to sleep but that wasn't gonna happen, at this point I feel like I'm mentally retarded from taking the kpin's and ami so I just kind of sit there and watch some shows on my computer for a few hours. By around 8 A.M my brain had calmed down a bit more so I took another short hot bath and went back to sleep, I slept until like 10:30. I got up, chugged a bunch of O.J and went back to bed and thankfully had almost no trouble. I slept until 3 P.M when the alarm I had set for work woke me up. I almost can't believe how soundly and easily I used to sleep, I would just put my head down and be conked out in 20 mins tops. I had also started a habit of sleeping on my back when I herniated a disk in my neck but that's probably going to have to wait, I've been sleeping on my side this whole week since it's the only position that will get me there. If you can force yourself to sleep on your back it really does have benefits (unless you have sleep apnea).

I'm still a little loopy from the Clonazepam and probably a bit from the Ami but I'm getting my faculties back, my stomach hasn't given me much trouble. I haven't had much of an appetite all day, I didn't eat anything this morning. I took a 5 hour energy on the way to work and that lifted me up considerably. I'm chugging some Gatorade as well. I'll probably grab something from the vending machine and wait to order out with everyone at work because I am starting to feel a nibble of hunger.

I'm still sneezing quite a lot but my nose isn't running, it hasn't really been runny since day 2 of this. My eyes aren't watery any more. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and my pupils were majorly dilated, I looked like an owl. Not sure if that was from the kpin/ami or what. Still pretty sensitive to temperature and get hot / cold flashes occasionally but not as frequent as yesterday. My work area is right under a freaking vent and it pumps in cold air on top of me my entire shift so that's fun, glad I keep a heavy hoodie here. My legs and lower back aren't giving me any trouble. I think the worst has passed but I'm ready to keep fighting if need be.
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Fri Dec 01, 2017 5:55 pm

I also skipped group this morning which I really didn't want to do but I really, really wanted to sleep and did not feel that I could drive there in the state I was in. I have a good attendance record and my councilor is pretty decent about it so long as you call in to explain why so I don't feel so bad about it. I have an appointment with him next Tuesday so I'll lay it all out for him then.
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Fri Dec 01, 2017 11:13 pm

edit: (129 hours since last dose)

Trying to eat a chicken parm is like ash in my mouth but I need to eat something, I actually had an appetite yesterday but I'm struggling with it today. To be fair, it is kind of a shitty chicken parm...
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby Mare » Sat Dec 02, 2017 1:04 am

Are we talking lean cuisine crappy? I eat Italian whenever I feel like garbage. Lasagna or chicken parm are my go tos.

You're way ahead of me so I don't really have any advice of any value to offer. Just what I've seen here: don't take any comfort meds more than 2 days in a row especially the Clonazepam, and listen to your body (if it's time to eat or sleep just roll with it). Sorry I can't be more help in the matter. It gets quiet here on weekends but you know I'll be around!
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Sat Dec 02, 2017 1:14 am

Thaaanks Mare, you've been a great support on here! It was just from a local joint, too much chicken and not enough cheese and it was kind of cold... taking it home with me. I haven't taken any Clonazepam since last night and I think the active dose is all out of my system, going to try to go without anything tonight since I'm feeling kind of depressed but not really physically agitated. I don't like the cloud of benzos over everything because I can't really tell how I actually feel.
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Sat Dec 02, 2017 8:03 am

Morning of day 6

Oh but did sleep come slowly. Tried au naturale until about 4 a.m, took 3 .5mg Clonazepam and that just barely did the trick, slept until about just after 7 and I'm going to try to get back to sleep at some point, or take a nap or whatever. The biggest issue is just physical diskinesia which while it isn't nearly as bad as days 3 and 4 it's still been enough to keep me from falling asleep. Being up and around I feel O.K, most of the minor symptoms are gone. Still sneezy. Had some "almost diarrhea" this morning after I woke up (probably WHY I woke up) so I took 2x 2mg Loperamide to hopefully keep the runs at bay.
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Sat Dec 02, 2017 12:51 pm

I'm pretty sure I slept / took a nap sometime between 10:30 and 12:00ish, it's legitimately hard to tell sometimes with how long it takes to fall asleep and how fast I wake up. When I'm up and active or even just sitting I don't feel any agitation but trying to go to sleep triggers something and I get slight dyskinesia in my legs that prevents decent sleep.

this is my life currently:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5j18i8
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Re: Took the plunge (journal)

Postby m4zer » Sat Dec 02, 2017 2:11 pm

Hit the stationary bike in my unheated garage for 30 mins, first exercise since I started this business. Cold ass December afternoon but good stuff! I never really took 5hr energy drinks before but I'm finding them exceedingly helpful in keeping my mood up, an easy balm for my shattered brain.
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