I am unsure if I am to say I am a grateful recovering addict or an addict named Angie. I haven't been to a meeting in years and have been on Suboxone for more than 6 years. I recently changed doctors due to the fact that I felt it was only about the money, and it's sad but it's the truth. When I first got on Suboxone it was in 2006 and it was my family doctor, and he just got his liscense to dispense. Well the law states you can only have so many patient the first year and considering I was an existing patient he told me to jump off from 4 milligrams and gave me my last monthly prescription and sent me on my way. Well needless to say the next month I was okay but by the end of the second month I knew I was in trouble. I had my mind already made up that I was going back out and using again. I did and wasted another few years. I was still living a nightmare because in 2007 I would get arrested and charged with possession. I was 27 years old and have never been in trouble before in my life. I would've never have done half the things I did in my active addiction if it wasn't for that constant need of having to have more.
My story isn't very different but I didn't start using until I had my second child at age 21 in 2000, and was given my first prescription for Percocet. I was a mother to two beautiful healthy babies and one was a newborn. Who becomes an addict at this stage in their life? I was working a great job and had dreams and goals. Being an addict is not something I wanted to become. The sad thing is I grew up with an alcoholic father who got sober when I was 14 and I was taught there was an easier softer way. Well 6 months after having my daughter I had surgery to get my wisdom teeth extracted and I was given more pain pills. However, it wasn't until one day I took one because we had no Tylenol in the house and I had some left over from my wisdom teeth. Within about 45 minutes after taken that pill I felt like I was Supermom. I had all this energy and just felt like I drank five cups of coffee and it was great I didn't feel anthing just a euphoric high. I was prescribed OxyContin and Norco (Vicodin) and I have medical issues like CFS, and Fibromyalgia but was told that that are dummy diagnosis for crazy people. Meanwhile I am starting a spiral into a descent into a hell that would rob me of time, trust, relationships, jobs, and all the money. What started out has a few year addiction to pain pills became a full blown heroin addiction within years. All those I would never do this... or that...well they became my reality. Chasing a high would take me to some of the deep darkest places anyone would ever want to be in their lives. Selling my soul to the Devil in exchange for what? A shot that could kill me? What normal person does that? Who loves themselves so much to take that risk? I didn't love anything but heroin and I was just a shell of a human being. I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually dead just not physically yet. I was a very functional addict and was there for my kids. I may not have been there mentally or emotionally but I always made sure they went to the doctors, dentists, etc. I also made sure they were clean and there basic needs were taking care of, and was unaware of the emotional and mental stress it was doing to them. I was selfish and it's sad what this addiction can do to the most common person. I am a very emotional person and have a lot of baggage from childhood I was carrying around with me. After going into the same rehab twice in one year and it was in 2010 I finally came to realize that I was affecting those around me. I can't fight something that I don't know anything about and therefore I became educated about addiction. I came to terms with the fact that the baggage I had been carrying around from my past and childhood. It was my reasoning, justification, and rationalization for doing the things I was doing. I came to terms with the fact that I was my biggest problem and putting down the drugs was just part of the problem. I realized that I was continuing a vicious cycle my father fought so hard to break. My older brother is also an addict but he is newly recovering. I also have another older brother but he lives across the world. I was also older than 27 and I was always told most people are idiots until they are 27. I think it's because my thinking had changed to well how would I feel if this or that was done to me? I think about that with everything I do and I try to do the next right thing. However, I can't deny this part of my life because this was my wake up call. My younger brother-in-law was living with us and I was so angry at my spouse for putting me in this position but will take my own accountability. He was 23 at the time at was in and out of jail and he was also addicted to heroin. My whole thinking is you can't have two sick people come up with a solution. However, he was going to meetings and he did get 30 days under his belt but shortly after he had overdosed and was revived, but it was a wake up call for me. The last time I had used was on September 13, 2012. I didn't use that much and gave the rest to my brother-in-law who was going to his mom's on the weekend. When he came back to my house that Monday he told me he didn't feel anything. I knew he was into it again. Later would find out he was dealing it and I tried to make him see but he was in deep. Shortly after he passed away from an overdose in 2013, and my mother-in-law found him in her home. That was my wake up call and made it really real on what this disease does to families. Mine is forever changed and it will never be the same. I recently have been to a new doctor and am tapering off Suboxone and I am scared. I am afraid that I am going to be a walking civil war again. I have been in therapy for 5 years and have worked on many of my issues. I want to go back to meetings and am looking for a support system. Thanks for letting me vent and share my story.