The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Sun Jan 29, 2017 2:10 pm

:lol: Still sneezing , must be making up for lost time. :wave:
Yea Cheeps, lost time and not being productive because of our condition in the past or currently can be a nice little guilt trip. Just got to find that counter balance point within through any skillful means necessary and equal out the scales of our narrow short sighted judgement. :deadhorse:
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Mon Jan 30, 2017 1:16 am

Day 41 Update:

Energy is coming back and more consistently so. Can do regular things easily again, where as before I did do them but they seemed to take much more concentrated effort. The mind is clear and lucid - no anxiety or depression - all thoughts and feelings and such are fodder for my devotion to living a life as I had for so long wished. Falling asleep takes a few tries - but it comes. Skin feels more or less normal, sweat, cold, and heat, dry , etc are in flux but getting there. Had a solid bowl movement today :cheers: . Appetite is good and tempered, eating healthy feels good, tastes good, and is good.
Am able to finally sit still for longer than 5mins. I clocked a 2 hour silent sitting meditation last night and that is when I knew things were really rebounding for the right. Spending my time much more wisely - less and less time moaning and groaning and procrastinating things that are vital or necessary. Now its just jump up and do it without a second thought. Still sneeze about 30 times a day, but it feels good, some chills and sweats but its slightly cold where I am at and I have a lean body so that is a given. Sweating is normal for mammals - so that is also a given. No cravings for poison. Yearning to learn more about life and study and work. All in due time. Still getting my strength back and I have been going on multi mile long treks in the forest and do stretching and yoga during the day and dance like a shaman to great music in the dark of the night - outside with the deer... Imagine if someone saw me.. :lol: It would probably make my day. This all gets my muscles really sore and when I wake up it feels really good to be sore from my own exertion. Good for getting your strength, energy, confidence, and clarity of mind back into shape. Onward we forge ourselves day by day truly - in thought, speech, and action via repetition.

I knew this day would come and that everything that led me to think or feel otherwise was illusion - and so denied it all credibility , but at the same time welcomed it as one would a revered guest - since it wont go anywhere until its time has come and it transforms via skillful means, and at last that prescience has been shown to be true and not false. Got to finish what we started. Have a good night everyone. :wave:

- The Blind Ass
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby cheeps » Mon Jan 30, 2017 2:05 pm

You sound pretty good today...you go right on down the Fuck You Sub road!

We have two returning members here....last attempt and starting over.
10 yrs on methadone
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Mon Jan 30, 2017 4:42 pm

Thank you. I have noticed a change myself, slowly but surely it has built up into what it is now. Hope you are well Cheeps - and hey you are not totally useless/unproductive right now! (like you mentioned on the last page of this thread) you are doing your thing to get to where you need to be for your medical needs as per your Physicians requests , those in turn effect your family in a beneficial way...that and while going through your life and doing your own lil tox' you still come on here and respond to my blind ass - how can I be but humbly grateful for the Cheeps!? See that?! Evidence of your productivity.

Also, I'll look into the other members threads soon.
Last edited by The Blind Ass on Mon Jan 30, 2017 9:10 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Mon Jan 30, 2017 6:09 pm

Hey Blind Ass,
I love reading your updates when I get up in the morning. Inspiring, and honest. Thank you.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:23 am

Day 42 Update :
Siddhi Yoga and Dream Yoga. Finally my wish comes true - lucid dream teaching me about me.

This magical illusion, a dreamer in the midst of light, letting go eternally,
into endless night. Must man be tormented by your horrific beauty? Must he shrink from your Cosmic Vision? Abandoning the intellect which craves security in what is only a dream! How can something so fortunate beg its master one bite? He sang his song a riddle, forgetting all he ever had.

Heaven Given,
Good Ridden,
The meaning of living all hidden beneath the skin of the given.
Energy driven, Conscious living.
It is what the sun is sunning for,
Finding comfort and ease in enchantment,
within the Cosmic Being of the One's own Mind in Matter.

Allow me to Illustrate this subtly profound yet intractable truth: that all our experience has two dimensions of magical illusion- listen now as I express this blessing from which, in the light of my own experience in dream, has allowed me carefree release from the cyclical rounds of my own confusion and insanity while awake.

You confront the fact that although form (ones own body and all matter) is mortal and impermanent like all phenomena, That life is tinged with enduring the mythical-cyclical rounds of suffering the different pains and joys of many pleasures and the in between, and that all these ultimately are empty - Thus ; without falling into the trap of dirty nihilism or the snare of the contemplation of nothingness we naturally give rise to compassion for ourselves and loving kindness to all others because it is all primordially pure - we then know the fact that this timeless moment in which we find ourselves embodied within temporally is like magic. Knowing this we are happy without cause or reason - like a fool.

With familiarity with this View and from that realization we naturally strengthen our resolve to live nobly and through such right living we cherish our lives and other's lives without unhealthy attachment - yet now more than ever - we care more deeply and waste time no more, developing and living through skillful means we practice virtue and walk the path of peace focused on meaning to the treasure of exalted insight - since knowing this is all mysteriously mystical- yet really truly connected and not false - but also that at some moment it will all decompose, change, and transform - vanishing like a dream...we know with prescience that we suffer not in vain - for we are the creativity of pure presence - dancers in the indestructible stream of magical illusion - this is the most profound way of the heart.

Within that spacious emptiness where all experience remains in potential is resplendent, luminous primordial wisdom and innate qualities of goodness; brimming within a grand display of magical illusion and nondual primal awareness, marvelously responding with perfect spontaneity.

The Primordial Self/Mind has no name but since Mankind could speak we have called it all sorts of things: this is the deathless, the unborn, the primordial, Maya, and Gaia. Many others still call it God, others Brahman, some Allah, others know it to be all as Mahamudra, others the All and Everything , Buddha-Nature - the Universe or Reality and more so to the individual it is known experientially in grand lucidity and simple pure clarity as one's True Self and/or True Nature....regardless of how we sound out this ineffable immaculate magic is beyond the point...What can be known by any pointing out, when the point lies beyond the pointing and the pointed out? So said a man.

Our Natural Self - This Awareness Being, always already completely present whether we currently recognize it or not - is not subject to change - like a mirror that reflects all things but stays pure and pristine regardless of whatever form appears within it - be it a beast, or a beautiful woman, a thieving addict in the midst of suffering or a noble monk in the highest degree of bliss, it simply reflects and accepts and welcomes it all without being fundamentally changed. Truly this is the sine qua non that the sages, mystics, and philosophers of old dare not utter aloud.

You confront this every day and every night like a dream itself within your own dreams created by Your Own Mind -

Everything in the dream is yourself in disguise as the "other" which is the "shadow" or "demons" or "anxiety" or "depression" and even "madness". yes even "Angels", cute "puppies" or "rivers and mountains and grass and every part of the environment which is displayed around us" - it lies in disguise to the spoiled mind that mistakes this unity for duality - but remember! however "they" or "It" may appear - and welcome whatever it is that may appear - a beast trying to devour you! , a cold shadowy feeling of tightness!, Yes do the last thing you would ever do - Abandon the Intellect which craves security in what is only a Dream!!! Only then does enslavement to impure circumstantial illusion become dominant pure enchantment. As if we were never to awaken from lucid dream - pure mind infuses the primordial ground.

With Primordial Fearlessness and Primordial Confidence innately abound we welcome the object of denial or fear or disgust or love and hatred or rejection or resistance (whatever it may appear to be, any and all things) and invite it into our own personal space like a revered guest, offering whatever you would wish oneself if you were as the form that appears Is - play with it even as it bites into your flesh or hunts you down or screams a terrifying shrill, befriend it at all costs- with this you truly find the jig is up - the intellect/ego when stymied finding no place to go - confronted with the fact that all is but a dream within a dream - vanishes and primal awareness and spontaneity regain their primacy - the place within which the space holds implodes and the ultimate truth dawns like stainless radiance... It was you the whole time!

And so the dreamer awakens to this secret bliss of knowing itself fully in all multifarious forms as itself in play for ultimate good's sake - Then what appeared as something which once upon a time instilled fear, hate, unruly anger and ignorance, that which, drove us to close our hearts and minds and desire wanting to fight or run and hide or escape is shown to be the vessel through which we deepen our realization and are transformed... and now the apparitional like nature of mind revealed appears benevolent and is subjugated, forever a friend to you the shadow is now: a protector and loyal companion in a sea of illusion... no longer may we harm ourselves intentionally - for the good of oneself and all beings this is accomplished.

Crossing over the cosmic shore of self and other the dual purpose of all sentient beings is achieved spontaneously. To know this for ourselves is to know the pure taste of primal awareness.

When all that appears is seen as nothing other than the nature of the mind - our own mind and form and "others" - even seemingly "external reality" - then all conditioned belief in an alien "other" is destroyed and what is left is only friends in service to friends, like child playing hide and go seek with themselves.
It is like a mirror confronting a form, like a shadow - it mimics -so to know this is to understand its nature is actually your own - and so like phantoms we are indifferent to breaks and changes.
Why it takes a seemingly "other" form or manifestation is the play of magical illusion and is inexpressible
- yet what would life be without it! ;)

May this contribute to the Awakening of the Pure Mind of All Beings

- The Blind Ass
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Tue Jan 31, 2017 8:12 pm

Day 42 nightly update:

Wow sometimes I just am drained even after getting up and stretching, showering, eating breakfast and moving about and doing chores - I think it is from recovering from all the nutso dancing I did the other night when I felt really good :lol: ...you know muscles get sore - then they hurt a bit - then they go into recovery and you need to eat well and hydrate super well and rest a ton. I took a 4 hour....nap? in the afternoon today and once I woke up I felt like a million bucks. Must be making up for the weird sleep stuff I have endured over the last 40+ days. Still sneezing, the occasional chill also creeps up, and I have to be mindful of how I spend energy and cautious not to overdue things too too much. But overall my inner temperature gauge is so much more comfortable now. I can wake up and not be in a total sweat/chill. I can shower and dry off and not be a shivering wet dog, I can go outside in the morning, day, or night and be just fine with 2 layers as opposed to having 6 on :lol: . Appetite is good and my mind is only rivaled by the times before I got dependent upon opiates - I really like the way I am turning out.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention alot of days I'll take or have my blood pressure and pulse . ie. Vitals taken and I record them... funnily enough they never got high - at worst they got a bit low. My BP has been in the range of 126/80 and HeartRate sitting at around 72 for most of this process...when I was sicker earlier on It sometimes dipped lower than that and rarely if maybe once did was it higher.

When my strength is back in top gear I am going to travel for a few months and then come back and jump into my studies. Oh yeah I saw my (not the first one I had - the good one - second one ) Sub Doc (psych) the other day because I had a scheduled appointment and we know eachother really well - he is one of the informed cats...really knows his stuff - literally begged me to taper to crumbs but I am a bit head strong and my situation allowed me to jump at 2mg ....still bless that dude ! He kept me alive - albeit half alive - for almost 10 years. I may have died like so many other friends I had in the past If it wasn't for him. He is so proud of me and always tells me call his cellphone any time of the day if anything happens or If I need his help - also he encourages me to go and travel and give myself a break and live some life now that I am present for it - then come back and go finish my studies with singular concentration, my family feels the same way. Feels fucking good man...feels good. So... I will! :thumbup:
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby cheeps » Tue Jan 31, 2017 9:03 pm

However you got to this recent chance, I don't know. But that you have many peeps in your life that have faith in you is fantastic. Have you decided on where you might like to go?

I enjoyed your dream post. And thank you for your very very kind words.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Wed Feb 01, 2017 8:47 am

Day 43: Morning Update (8:00am)

Went to bed at 12:30am and fell asleep at about 2:00-2:30am. Woke up from another Vivid, mind revealing dream, at about 6:00am. Proceeded to lay in bed for about 30 minutes and contemplate and absorb any meaning to be gathered - I know what this one is about. Some minor discomfort upon waking up - like usual. Temperature always fluxes after waking up for a few minutes and am a bit sweaty and still tired and my stomach turns a bit sometimes, a couple chills later and my skin remembers its time to get up! Phase out of sleep and its bodily conditions necessary for it and onward we go. About then I recall there is no euphoric instant reward besides stringing together the long term ones bit by bit until they culminate in a spontaneous burst of euphoria or an easy going slow burn like mellow natural high over time from repetition, lots of both daily - failed and successful - repetition... while gently easing myself to go and do the basics. Forcing myself was maybe necessary at this but now it is tiring and cruel - tough love had its part...but comfort and ease makes life so simple and joyful...so I will go with that.

At roughly 7:30 I went and made a small cup of coffee and then walked through the kitchen out the back door with my pipe and had a short but sweet tobacco smoke. Came back inside and boom - solid BM. Easy. Now its time for a late breakfast and shower...I wonder when or If am going to shave this time...it has been months. I did cut my hair before I went into acute withdrawals so I wouldn't have to deal with it being long and sweaty and giving me extra chills after being wet and what not - for the record I don't know how other peeps with long hair go through withdrawals with it - very much a hassle since it lays wet on the back of the spinal cord causing more temp disreg and chills and painful sensations when one is sensitive... imho...but the beard has kept me warm and is easy to dry. "Problems" to discern later I suppose.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Wed Feb 01, 2017 9:59 pm

The idiom "waiting for the other shoe to drop" comes to mind when thinking about how I am doing.

This whole not smoking thing is weirder than jumping from subs. I do not know what to do with myself.
No Narcotics? Lets smoke...no smokes? Lets eat...already ate? lets...sleep? already slept? Lets...exercise....already worked out? lets...write and read and listen to music for a few hours and surf the net or help out family around the house with things and clean stuff...done with that...then what play guitar? play drums? then what. I think I am looking for a fix of sorts and don't even know it...not a opiate fix in the junkie sense. But something that is satisfying to do to the core. Besides lucid dreaming and being mentally heavily engaged to the limit - like while studying in a classroom or hunting for a rare fungus specimen in the wild - I am at a crux...so much freedom now that I am not dependent...its like having a menu with everything on it. I could go camping again and lose my mind in shamanic ecstatic union...but I think saving that for a couple times a year is more than enough...so no not that...the traveling thing...I'll find out about that for sure in a matter of days. Maybe seeing old friends would be good. It is going to be awesome once I go back to work and am enrolled in classes.

So what now! What now... :!: :?: Patiently waiting - for what ... I do not know.

Tips, advice, and or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby Eyedotz » Wed Feb 01, 2017 11:12 pm

Hey BA,
Stopping in to say hey... I believe what you're going through is a phase. I called it my 'boredom phase'....It happened to me up to month 3, I think. I remember thinking, "what do I do now?' quite often. Luckily for me I was in the habit of walking all the time....I forced myself to walk 5 miles a day....I'd come back home and if I still felt bored, I'd do it again. The boredom stage was weird for me because I've always loved video games, and during this phase, I found very little interest in anything. Only walking with headphones was satisfying.

I don't know dude, you seem right on pace. Living a daily life without opioids is mind blowing for a while and then you start feeling 'meh'...so this is life? It does pass once you get used to everyday living without substances. Month 3-6 was tough for me emotionally but it has passed. I was happy to have my friends here walk side by side with me in this forum... sometimes I just needed some friendly words and encouragement (and that fucker subblind can always make me laugh!!!!). This shit is like gently rolling hills...ebbs and flows. Just keep talking and walking and jamming, my friend. I'm here to help like the others that helped me.... :kiss:

PS sorry I've been so quiet... so f'n busy at work lately... I still watch you guys though. Creepy huh? :wiggle:
Love, dotz
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby cheeps » Thu Feb 02, 2017 1:15 pm

Go here for ideas to fuck around with....the whole, what do I do now sucks for me so last year we came up with some shit here....

viewtopic.php?f=15&t=3039
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Thu Feb 02, 2017 1:54 pm

Reading it now....Niceeeee!
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Thu Feb 02, 2017 4:17 pm

You guys are the bees knees you know that? Im out of this crummy self constructed world now. Back into the light.

Day 44! What the actual fuck! How did a blind ass do it.... he didnt ...he didnt do a damn thing. Thats how.

Feel good. I read the link cheeps sent and reflected upon it combined with eyedots' own msg and her time going through this phase and it sparked something in me, so I did some electrical work and wiring around the house with the old man and we chatted and I spoke with some family members over the phone and reflected upon my life up until this day and it hit me that I have been 40+ days sober....boom - started running with the spark - came out of a dark tunnel with fire - my lifes path started recrystallizing in my minds eye - into something that I may still yet carve into something good for others yet to come. Time for bed, hope everyone gets some restorative sleep tonight. 8-)
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Fri Feb 03, 2017 10:38 am

Day 44 morning:

Wanted to sleep at around 12 - but fell asleep at 3:30am - proceeded to wake up at 9:15ish am.

Shower, vitamins, food and drink, and a walk later....Now I have work to do today and am looking forward to seeing how it plays out. :)
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Sat Feb 04, 2017 1:33 pm

Day 45:

Nice.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Sat Feb 04, 2017 5:59 pm

Good job man! Glad you are doing so well.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Sun Feb 05, 2017 1:28 am

Day 46: Pooping daily took some getting used too. Now I can never see myself straying from it - it would be tantamount to downright betrayal to do so.

Also day 4(?) of no nicotine and day 2 of no caffeine. My brain is mush. God Bless the internet. Thank God I am a recluse and don't have to do anything crucial for another 2 weeks... I am sleeping more than usual but it is broken into 2-3 hour chunks maybe 4-5 times a day... still eating pretty good 3x a day, run around like a maniac in the woods looking for edibles and plants that harbor secrets (ala dhatura and morning glories were found the other day!) for a few hours then head back home and identify/classify/store them for later.

So ... shitting, pissing, eating, hygiene, and sleep, and moderate exercise and a hobby..think I covered most of the bases. Oh and sex drive...man...it is annoying. It's like a dog you don't want that keeps asking you to take it for a walk...every few hours. I only speak of it because people are going to go through their hypersensitive phase when they endure opiate withdrawal syndrome, and then its just there afterwards again like normal. Once again I can only liken it, albeit this is conjecture, to a spell... the body, the brain, the senses, the dick... they all create just the right mix of chemicals and release them into my bloodstream right as this nice plot thickens and a theme appears based on whats in the environment around me or in the mind - then its like all of a sudden the thoughts and feelings are just magically about guess what? - and boom - your horny. Why why why... must it be to propagate its lust for procreation! Such a time consuming endeavor / Damn it all. I have a feeling I am stuck with this for the foreseeable future...its all cool though.

My lazy yet tried and true powers of non-action will prevail! :deadhorse:
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Sun Feb 05, 2017 3:21 pm

Day 46:

Nice start to the day... Did the basics then moved onto some things with the family, went out and saw some people, got some groceries, did some house work and now am prepping food for the game tonight. What I want more than anything (desire wise wish atm) is a fucking tiny tiny cannabis edible while I watch grown men hurt each other for the sake of my favorite pig skin (ex receiver here btw, love the game). Who is with me! Hear here! Another day without caffeine and smokes! WTF... I did not ask for this but its happening. This is just so rich. Living without the training wheels now...the only drugs in me are the ones my body is making or I am getting inadvertently through food that I am unaware of. Its all shits and giggles isn't it ladies and gentlemen?
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby Eyedotz » Sun Feb 05, 2017 5:11 pm

Fucking love football dude. Honestly, I think super bowl Sunday tops Christmas for me....Especially when my guys are playing. I think you're doing mint man...especially quitting cigs. Good shit to quit. Keep on keeping on!
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
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