The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Mon Feb 06, 2017 8:55 pm

Day 47:

Last night I botched a microscopy procedure...also I fucked up a bunch of substrates for an upcoming fungus project...and I left the stove on all night and burnt some precious specimens. :gaah: :nono: :punchballs: :ogeez: :spank: :smart: :banghead: :deadhorse:

But they say the master has failed more times than the apprentice has even ever attempted!

Had a using dream of shooting up 2mg of suboxone- BECAUSE - I went to sleep angry and cold as ice. When I woke up I was "in the mode of using" from the dream and had to take a second (hours) to recognize that letting a dream determine my state was baby mode...and wanting a narcotic is for spellbound fools or people in severe pain. Feels dumb man! Man, I guess sadness or "anger" really does conjure up nice little demons in the mind. Too bad they don't know I am crazy - because they aren't real :yawn: :lol: .
License says I am 27 - but it should be changed to 18 - please gov.

Going to play the video games with the younger brother to kill some steam.

I have been exercising with more effort and it makes me feel good and I look much better than I did 40+ odd days ago... that is a plus...finally I am getting gains...still feel like I want a reward for every little thing I do during the day, but I am growing up slowly and god it hurts but it is good at the same time.


:banana: ... ..

Over and Out

- The Blind Ass
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Tue Feb 07, 2017 10:07 pm

Day 48:

Went to bed at 1:00 am and fell asleep at 3:30am. Woke up from a dream at 9:15ish am.
Took a hot shower and made myself breakfast followed by cleaning up the mess I made the night before :lolno: .
Went on a 4 mile walk around the neighborhood taking a trail that leads to a nature park and a lake.
Cooked up a homemade pizza for lunch. Went out looking for herbs later in the day and came back and ate dinner.

WOOPDIDOO. Sounds a bit lame but I mostly enjoy contemplation and what not during this time - that being an inherently private act makes it a bit harder to convey over a forum unless I write so much that its a novel.

I feel pretty damn good today psychically. I might even say I feel normal.

Hope every one is doing well. In a couple days my whole atomic family will be back together under the same roof so I am looking forward to that! Also I will have my car back then as well - good stuff!

:thumbup: :wave:
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:53 am

Day 49 Update:

8-)

Energy, inner warmth, mental clarity, pragmatic approach to tasks and duties, good attitude and a joyful mood for me today. Skin , bowels, muscles and appetite are all playing fair and well.

This is it! :mrgreen:
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Thu Feb 09, 2017 8:45 am

Day 50 update:

:ogeez: Doh!

That "inner warmth" from yesterday is a mildfever today! Headache and bloody crusty snot to boot as well! :lolno:

..I think I pushed it too hard yesterday and the day before. Now I am getting sick but feel Ok overall. Oh' the tragic comedy continues.

Atleast the weather is nice. :wave:
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Fri Feb 10, 2017 9:57 pm

Day 51 update:

I have a mild cold. The day has been pretty normal, cooked some nice dinner and the whole family is over tonight.

Oh yeah. Earlier today I was outside reading a book and I stopped for a minute and looked at my feet. Right next to my feet was some guess what - Suboxone 8mg strip pieces! I thought for a second I must be dreaming - how does Suboxone 8mg even show up literally at my feet? I have not had a prescription for those for almost a year. It really tripped me out. I put these 2 small pieces in my pocket and wondered if I was dreaming. Didn't think much of it besides that I would save them.

Looking back they probably must have fallen out of my book onto the wood right under my feet when I was reading/flipping through the pages - no it didn't "materialize" . I genuinely thought I was dreaming for a minute when I saw them...because I cleaned house like never before - emptied all pockets, all nooks and crannies etc etc from everywhere in the house before I started the jump to get rid of anything hiding around.

I threw the pieces into the trash after asking a family member if they had "trolled" me during the day by placing the Sub pieces next to where I read outside in the back...because it rained all night and the pieces were dry...I thought maybe they did it to test me.... he said he had no clue what I was talking about...even so, it didn't phase me much then. Still ...trippy :?: :!: :o

Hope everyone is doing well :thumbup:

Time to get ready to see if my dreams are going to be about sub or not haha.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby cheeps » Sat Feb 11, 2017 1:07 pm

Dope dreams are common and you aren't the only person that has stumbled across a hidden stash. It bet that was very trippy! You say you did get rid of them? You haven't been back digging thru the trash have you?

Get a bag of oranges and enjoy the next couple of days! You are doing great!
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
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Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Sat Feb 11, 2017 1:15 pm

Very trippy. I threw away the two little pieces - must be smashed in between old cig butts and food product in the trash outside - so no :lol: . I crave nicotine alot though - or more so something stimulating that is not caffeine. I am going to start vaping again as soon as I can. SubBlind's talk of vanilla custard e juice made my mouth water.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Sun Feb 12, 2017 9:38 am

Sounds like you are doing good man. I hear you on wanting some non-caffiene stimulation...all the vape talk makes me wish I liked nicotine more. :lol:

Hope your cold is gone and that you managed to keep your sinuses clear...this sinus infection blows. .
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

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Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby cheeps » Sun Feb 12, 2017 10:11 am

They do make flavors without the nicotine...that's very tempting to me but I don't have the funds. I'm going to quit smoking soon. I don't crave a cig when I'm not taking opies so the lower my levels, the less I think about it.

BA....how about 80 degrees today?
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Sun Feb 12, 2017 10:18 am

Incredible
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Mon Feb 13, 2017 9:51 pm

Day 52:

Had some minor chills after waking up from a dream about a girl I once knew who is no longer with us, Woke up and ate and did some life and got some life. Became really tired during the day and slept for 3 hours. Still haven't eaten dinner, so I am about to go do that. So far so good! I can't believe im on the "other side" let alone that "another side" is even a thing. Wow.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Wed Feb 15, 2017 2:13 pm

Day 55 update:

Things are strange now a days - Its like everything seems paradoxical. I slept ok - about 5 hours straight and then I woke up and did my normal routine. Typing out how everyday is going is getting to feel redundant and a bit pointless and I dont know if anyone is benefiting from me doing so anymore because the quality of the posts has gone down, mostly because I have a bit of the " I dont give a fucks" - maybe its slight anhedonia or slight depression (chemically induced probably) or a bit of apathy , or maybe its just simple detachment and things are changing and im in the "zone" of just doing things in my own little world - probably a bit of all but mostly the last one. :deadhorse: :)

Regardless....

I'll contemplate for a bit then do a proper update for everyone later today.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby Eyedotz » Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:07 pm

I like reading your updates.... :D

BA - This is just part of the cycle man. I found myself depressed after month 2... when you first quit....the world is your oyster and everything is brighter and brilliant....after month 2... you realize you are the oyster. Fucked up analogy, right? You start to realize that 'this' is life now and there are no fireworks at the end but there also is no active cycle of addiction knocking on your door. It takes getting used to man. One of the biggest struggles for me in the early days was stress and not knowing how to manage it. It's like meeting yourself for the first time and 'clearly' seeing the person that you are... you see your faults as you've never seen them. I asked myself 'why do you think like that?' a lot....You begin to see the reason you were drawn to drugs in the first place... It's a lot to take on dude. At the same time, you have to contend with boredom and the 'what now?' of everything. It is a phase and it does pass. I'm almost 11 months in, and I still have struggles but at the same time it is getting progressively better.

Seriously, keep writing man. It helps. I haven't written in a while and I know I've been quiet here but I do stop in to check up on you guys. I've been super busy at work and dealing with the winter blues. I miss my damn walks but can't go in 30" of snow. Trust me, the lurkers read your posts...Keep on trucking babe.... hugs dude, dotz
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13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby cheeps » Wed Feb 15, 2017 9:29 pm

Yes....the second honeymoon is over and the rollercoaster is a very familiar place to be. And even though you will have the ups and downs now....consider it a plateau. Call it the healing plateau as this is what your brain is doing. You are on the other side and you will stay here.....if you don't, if you fall back into the clutches of Freddy the fucker.....why, I'll find you and beat that ass until you limp back into reality. :twisted: :mrgreen:
10 yrs on methadone
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2017 taper in progress
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Wed Feb 15, 2017 11:14 pm

:puppy-dog:
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Thu Feb 16, 2017 7:04 pm

How's it going BA? Is it a painful kind of sadness you are feeling, or just a feeling of distance from things?

You decide on that trip you are gonna take?
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

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Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Thu Feb 16, 2017 9:05 pm

CheeZ - Its hard to convey on a forum. If I am honest, its more like life is so good and beautiful that it pains me, very deeply - and that much is inexorable and frankly a bit inexpressible. On a conventional superficial level I wish I could do more to reciprocate the goodness that has been given to me, and even more superficial level I wish I was working and studying and or had a real career and a womanly partner to confide in and sleep with . Also I wonder how I will fare being much older than the normal demographic for finishing an undergrad....but that is the least of it.
I set a time table for myself which I am going to stick to more or less regarding the aforementioned. Its not the right time yet to jump into all that, I want to accrue time and balance and some identity before taking such a swift course of action that will lead me to my worldly goals and desires - hopefully for the better!. I'll know in a matter of days to a week about the trip, JP or MX 8-) . Hope every one is well :thumbup:
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Fri Feb 17, 2017 4:39 pm

Update Day 57:

I woke up with a hang over like headache :(. Later I Signed up for a class on Coursera like Cheez recommended . I just cooked and ate homemade vegetable, tofu, and mushroom tempura - so good, so fucking good.
Culinary arts are awesome.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Fri Feb 17, 2017 5:39 pm

Hey man, as for going back to school later, professors will love you for being a little older and being able to focus on what you are there for, namely paying them to teach you shit. The quickest way to a professor's heart is to be interested in the topics at hand, and I have a feeling that comes easy for you. And assuming you won't have any student loans to deal with, enjoy that fucking experience for the gift it is...if I could go back to school for free, I would do it again and again until my brain was so stuffed, I'd have to start looking for some kind of transhumanist external memory options. Fucking love me some schooling. You going for a BS in something? In my experience, there will be plenty of mature students to talk with if you get annoyed with the kiddos. I had a doctor who went to med school at 40. People with life experience are so valuable and interesting in any field, I think.

Also interesting that you feel life is so beautiful. I tend to vacillate between the extremes of thinking life is a big web of gorgeous spiritual energy and thinking it is utterly, brutally animalistic and devoid of meaning. :shrug:
Often those two feelings hit me at the same time. Probably pretty common.

Curious about the field you are taking a Coursera class in. I signed up for a big python programming class, because little puzzles like those in simple code relax me, but I got really into it and then they wanted me to pay money before taking some of the quizzes, which had never happened before. I hope they aren't going to start pushing for cash all the time.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Sat Feb 18, 2017 9:35 pm

Chemistry through the Univ of Kentucky, it starts on the 20th of Feb. Yeah I noticed they have some "pay to play/study" type things going on now, oh well. At least Khan Academy is still free and they have alot of basic classes and some higher education ones as well. I need to retake some math classes like c. algebra and calc...I can vaguely remember things...but as for recalling them to mind...not a chance unless something sparks up in the old noggin!
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