The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Sun Feb 26, 2017 5:56 pm

Day 66:

Still clean and look and feel relatively healthy but crippling depression has been here for a while and I am finally accepting I am one depressed individual. I get drained easily and have to sleep when that happens. Happens usually 4 times a day. Whats going on here? Never had this happen before with previous sobriety. Doing so has skewed my night sleep. I don't want to travel like this, waste my time sleeping all the time overseas. That is a bit saddening/
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Sun Feb 26, 2017 7:18 pm

Hey man, sorry to hear you are feeling bummed too much, but happy you are still moving forward. Do you ever microdose those mushies? Any idea if that would be helpful or harmful at this point?
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

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Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby Eyedotz » Sun Feb 26, 2017 7:38 pm

Hey BA. I totally understand you. It is very difficult to explain to people that haven't gone through this process, how the mind fuck can be at this stage. You say 'depression'....I said 'emotional instability'... I can only speak from my experience of course, but this stage had me question everything. In the beginning post-jump, I was giddy most of the time and then the 'next' stage sets in. I tried to imagine the baseline of my emotions...Was I happy? Was I sad? Was I just a depressed angry person that covered a lifetime of uncomfortable feelings with drugs? From the beginning, I told myself no meds and I will ride it out. I refused to discuss this with a doctor so they would cover everything back up with meds. Bupe is known for the mind-fuck it provides post-jump... It is this stage that causes most people to re-induce. I knew all this going in... I knew this was something I was going to face most likely. I never had emotional balancing lessons like a healthy adult because of the constant drowning in opioids since I was quite young. During these hard times, I felt like I was 5 years old and I got so angry sometimes...other times I was sad and confused. Other times, I was elated.

It will pass, my friend. It really helps to talk it and to write. Write about how you feel in these moments. It will phase out. I find it takes 'practice' to stay balanced. Stress is very hard to deal with at this time so please be good to yourself. Please keep listening to music...please keep going for walks outside. I know it feels like the last thing in the world you want to do when you feel depressed, but it helped me soooo fucking much. 5 Hour energys for the B vitamin supplement it gives you. Take naps whenever you need them... I still do it now. I get drained much quicker these days and even a 20 min nap will help improve your mood. Go on your trip man...I guaran-fucking-tee that you will feel completely different. You've got this shit man. I have complete faith in you. :kiss:
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
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13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby The Blind Ass » Mon Feb 27, 2017 12:58 pm

Day 67:

CheeZeeAnnDee wrote:Hey man, sorry to hear you are feeling bummed too much, but happy you are still moving forward. Do you ever microdose those mushies? Any idea if that would be helpful or harmful at this point?


They take time to grow, I just restarted cultivation about a week ago - but yes I would benefit from that immensely. So its going to be a month or two before they are ready to fruit.
Its just a bit of a whirlwind to be honest, my emotional state and intellect gets very dark quite fast but I keep face so others don't know because it just becomes more depressing to be honest with them when they ask how I am doing, when I feel like I want to kill myself - but at the same time I fucking dont! Its just old karma not yet burned away.

If I make it till they grow I can trip and it will suppress the addictive tendencies and suicidal depression away for a good month or so off one or two doses. Till then It seems I am blind and dumb. This is my own fault, I had planned on killing myself for years when I hit 27 :twisted: :lol: and now I don't really want to but the momentum of all that time before hand where I did is still affecting me whether I want to believe it or not, crazy. Just have to ride of this crazy mind wave I made for myself in the past, but deal with it now.


Maybe I need to work some little job, just to start saving some more money because I am running low and being around others would be good. I want to stay out in nature all day and not go back normal life but thats not really an option for very long.

Oh and again thanks everyone
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Mon Feb 27, 2017 9:30 pm

A job might be really helpful at this point, especially if it is a distracting one.
Or go to an animal shelter or homeless shelter or battered woman's shelter and volunteer. That type of stuff does wonders for perspective. And it seems like everything fucking comes down to perspective eventually, doesn't it?

There are some doctors who use ketamine for people who have treatment resistant depression now. Have you heard about that? Pretty interesting to read about, but I don't know how hard it is to find a practitioner who can administer it. It is really fascinating to me how so many people have success with treating their depression with psychedelics and/or dissociatives...I think the research in that area is gonna really take off in the next decade.

Hang in there man. Cling to whatever lifeboat you can find, ride the wave through, and you'll make it back to shore okay. We're here when you need to vent.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby Subblind » Tue Feb 28, 2017 1:24 am

BA im sorry your in such a funk...but PLEASE try to work your way through it and like CHEEZE suggested seek some professional help if need be to make it easier on yourself.i believe you said your dad was a Dr so I would have to assume good health care is available to you.?.?.?

Working may just be EXACTLY what you need...keeping your mind fully directed on whatever task is required could be very very beneficial.spring is nearly around the corner and with it may come even more outdoor work opportunities.
having all the free time you have is probably the worst thing for you.be grateful you got through your jump without the demands of being employed that must've been a Hugh help,but now that your well beyond that it is time to take the next step and immerse yourself in something to occupy your time and put some money in your pocket.please keep posting so we can keep you focused and occupied.your a smart young man with a lot to offer this planet so please seek help if your thoughts get too dark.Its pretty apparent that too much time with ones self may not be best for ones thought processes...and you have a lot to offer this world man,please get out there and keep yourself engaged and happy...peace my friend...SB
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby cheeps » Wed Mar 01, 2017 6:23 pm

I'm thinking about you and sending cosmic juju....we are dragging ass together now.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: The Blind Ass - Chronicling a Sub Kick and Reflections

Postby Subblind » Thu Mar 02, 2017 5:57 am

Mr BlindAss what's going on with you my friend.?.?.?just hoping to hear from you and see how those juices are treating you...got a few more suggestions from that company if your close to needing more.whats great about them
(WLJC) is no minimum for free shipping...most of these other sites want $50-$75 minimum.anyway...let us hear from you brother...SB
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