(warning: this chronicle includes experimental treatment using a certain fungus that I cannot responsibly recommend to any one online alone. Do not attempt to mimic, I take no responsibility for said consequences)
Hello ladies and gentlemen!
Ill be chronicling my jump from Bupernorphine 2mg(iv). Also I will be posting my reflections upon my own life and life in general because once you get off narcotics you are primed, so i'll take advantage of that and start a writing hobby on this forum.
Here is some skewed background info first.
And side note: This is mainly an excercise for myself during the process and for all the lurkers who look in the window but never come in to the shop.
I am a 28 year old male living on the east coast in the US. I have been been on Suboxone since I was 18.
Faked being an addict for the most part in order to get a script from a psychiatrist at 18 years of age and was sent home with a Rx. Within a month I had a Rx for 24mg a day (*me to the doc that day
I had used drugs experimentally for about a year before that point , just trying whatever I could seeking that impeccable high that comes from being just naturally relaxed like when we were children.(the whole range of pharmacopoeia literally).
I indulged with that and enjoyed it, also I had been prescribed stimulants (amphetamines) for ADHD in early middle/high school . Anyways long story short I was suffering for a couple years from what I have been told/diagnosed was PTSD, ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder yada yada etc etc. Long story short I was Rx'd multiple SSRi's and Stimulants and sedatives and all that jazz but it all came with side effects I didnt want to put up with.
.. Now I tried to get off Bupe/Sub last year (like I do every year - but this time by my Will) by going to another 28 day rehab( have been to 8 total in my days) 12 step model etc... same shit every time! conventional rehab IS NOT good for people who are coming in On Sub Maintenance (my opinion).... so i lasted a month and half then got back on to do a taper at home...but I did a novel approach this time when I got home which I wont get into it yet, and it worked for me.. So I was able to taper over a year from 16mg down to 2mg. Before this I never even attempted to taper. All my kicks had been basically cold turkey from 24- 16mg - ouch - and 2-4 months in I would cave. But so much has changed in this 1 year, and I am grateful for even the pain and suffering in my life now, it made me who I am...a 18 year old stuck in a 28 year old's body HA. No but really somehow I changed and everything around me started to change...maybe it was just time...or maybe its that everything was changing but life passed me by and I finally noticed it ...
I filled my last Prescription 5 days ago ... took my last dose 36 hours ago ... and I burned the rest in a ritual sacrificial bonfire, lmao.
No more zombie living in lifes waiting room, I think I want to be Alive. I have nothing but time to heal from this stuff, but for me its not even about the drug withdrawal ( but that stuff is not pleasant obviously) its about the pain of loosing the connection I had to my self, you know that really ancient self? Our minds create the world, but before that the world creates our minds - so I mean the Self before the world created our minds - self is a misleading word but this isnt the place to go into that... Nothing in excess
Make a pledge and mischief is neigh
The Oracle of Delphi in a cave said those things once...and I have a gut feeling its on point. So what now? Im up off my knees and face to face with an old feeling. I just want to post one thing, i'll copy and paste it. Forgive me if its heavy or confusing but it rings and old and true, like some old very very old tune.
Sages and Mystics alike say, the metaphor most commonly used to describe our situation is that of a mirror and its reflections. The reflections in a mirror are like the thoughts in our mind, which if we don't recognize as being an illusory, impermanent, unmediated, manifestation of our true nature, we will react to, identify with, become conditioned by, absorbed in and embody. Our true nature state, on the other hand, is likened to the mirror itself, which underlies and embraces all of the reflections, all the while remaining pure and changeless, never being tainted or stained by any of the reflections. It is important to realize that each thought in our mind is like a dream; once we become absorbed in a thought, we have literally entered a complete dream universe and have evoked and stepped into an illusory, limited and arbitrary identity which we experience as being who we truly are. In life, if we get immersed in our dream-like thoughts and don't recognize the pure, mirror-like nature of our mind, we are literally considered to be nonlucidly dreaming.
The problem is that as long as we are identified with and absorbed in the imagination or thought of being a separate self we are going to resist part of our experience, as resistance and contraction are themselves the very expression of the separate self. Once we, as a separate self, see that we are resisting our experience, we will undoubtedly try and not resist, which is just another, more subtle form of resistance, and we will find ourselves in a self-created double bind, a prisoner of our own little mind once again.
The open and natural and relaxed, aka our Pure Mind truly offers us the key to liberation; from the minds point of view, these contractions and resistances are themselves seen to be the unmediated expression of the enlightened mind itself. If we don't recognize this, we will react to our resistance like it is something real and separate from ourselves, seeing it as a true obstruction to our enlightenment. If our resistance is seen in this way, it will, in no time whatsoever, spontaneously shape-shift and manifest as a seemingly genuine obscuration, as it is nothing other than our own reflection, and we will once again be caught in the infinite regression known as samsara or cyclic existence.
On the other hand, if we recognize our resistance as the unmediated expression of our enlightened nature itself, which is none other than to become lucid in the dream, not only does the resistance not last very long, but it ceases to be problematic, as we are no longer resisting our resistance, and have thus snapped out of our infinite regression. The resistance then reveals itself to be the very vehicle through which we have deepened our realization, as we have embraced even the part of ourselves that is non-embracing.
So the choice? To go through the dream lucidly, or non lucidly. Put that way its a simple and obvious choice for me, especially considering drugs / especially suboxone and opiates are so dissociating and depersonalizing after a while.
Recovery (without the cultural baggage - more so the classical sense of the word) is a fitting theme. Its strange because in short it is saying to Recover, as in to find something that you have lost - but not totally forgotten - ie. the Self. I forgot about Me after all this jazz I have been through. Well Im alive so I might as well act like it and love it and be myself even if it kills me because thats the best way to die.
Im here and Im doing this - Iv planned( and prepared) for over a year now and my time has finally come, I'll be here everyday till my shits are solid and I can go a day without getting the chills (aka for a good while
). Nice to meet you all! I have read most the threads on here up to 3-7 pages back and from years ago and educated myself over all these years about myself and this "condition"... by the way - you guys rule. Finally some thinking allowed. Lets do this baby!