Introduction

This forum is for welcoming new members, introducing yourself, and posting things that would affect or encompass all areas of addiction. If you want to post about other things...such as sports, movies, your mean wife, lazy husband, evil kids, or how bad your dog smells... then post in the Fun Stuff/Off-Topic forum.

Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Sat Oct 22, 2016 10:28 pm

How long did it take before you were really back to normal? Before you could be happy and not feel that out of place, raw feeling that I've only ever felt with opiates?

I've read lots of stories of people still not feeling right after a year or more. It's terrifying.
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Re: Introduction

Postby Eyedotz » Sun Oct 23, 2016 12:17 am

Please read my taper story if you haven't yet. It will probably provide some insight. I understand what you said about just wishing that you could stay on opiates the rest of your life. Sadly, most of us drug addicts feel the same way. We get so used to having something make us feel better that we don't know how we're going to live without it. Opiates make us function better, make us more productive, and they make us happier. Well at least that's true in the beginning….After a while, it just doesn't have the same affect. If this weren't true, then none of us would be here trying to recover.

Anyway, you can live a normal productive happy life without opiates. It does take time and an absurd amount of patience. We did not get here overnight and we will not heal overnight. If you are able to taper bupe like I did, then you will have a much higher success rate and shorter recovery period...but you have to be ready. You have to be on bupe long enough to be able to get a semblance of a non-drug using lifestyle. If this is not met, then the relapse risk is high. I read earlier that you are on zub equivalent to 16mg sub? That is quite a high dose and can cause unwanted side effects like anxiety, etc. I would suggest trying to stabilize on half that and see how you feel. I bet you will feel much better than you do now. Try to drop a mg every 10-14 days until you get there. This is very doable this way. You will learn how tapering 'feels' and it will teach you patience and resolve. Split dose and do not spike.

Because of they way I tapered...I considered myself physically 90% at 90 days. I am just past 7 months and feel superb physically. I have my natural energy back and I am happier (much) then I ever was on subs. I sleep a little less though but I still wake up rested. I tapered to .03mg and when I jumped... I actually felt better post-jump. I felt increasingly better everyday. I have struggled with some of the emotional ups and downs (mood instability) since month 4-5. This is due to being on opiates so long that I hadn't learned the valuable coping skills that non-drug users have learned from living daily lives. I am dealing and learning. Although the emotional stuff has been tough at times, it has been worth it.

Feel free to ask me anything, it is why I still troll this board.

Ps. Fuck you sub
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13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Mon Oct 24, 2016 2:07 pm

MLC817 wrote:This is why I started using heroin again. I'm just hanging out at my apartment and can't stop feeling like life has already passed me by, that there is nothing in my life worth living for, that I don't fit in anywhere and severe anxiety. I wish with my whole heart I could just take heroin forever. I'm not going to try it again as I didn't like freaking out and being sent to the hospital, but I've felt this way for so long, I don't see the point anymore. I've tried all the anti-depressants and everything. I think this is just my life and it's miserable.



Hey MLC, I was just quickly browsing the board and saw this post. I see you saying you feel that life has passed you by? Are there any steps you can take to slowly get closer to where you want to be? Perhaps if you had a workable goal, opioids wouldn't be such an attractive escape.

Sometimes I tell myself that in five years, no matter what I do, I will be five years older. So I can take steps now to be closer to what I want to be or I can not change anything and be in the same place...just older. In five years, anything is possible. Where do you want to be? What do you need to do to get there?...break it into baby steps and take on the first one. What is the first little goal that will get you closer?

Also, do you ever do any volunteering? Soup kitchens, homeless shelters, battered women's shelters? Sometimes seeing others in distress can help us process and reframe our own distress while also giving us the joy that helping others brings. It is easy to get wrapped up in our own problems, but nothing chases away the feeling of worthlessness like changing someone else's life for the better. Does that make sense?
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Tue Oct 25, 2016 12:49 pm

MLC817 wrote:How long did it take before you were really back to normal? Before you could be happy and not feel that out of place, raw feeling that I've only ever felt with opiates?

I've read lots of stories of people still not feeling right after a year or more. It's terrifying.



Yes...but you've got to remember they aren't telling you that during that year, they incrementally got better. That every week brought them to a better place. Peeps are so impatient and they come here and bitch moan and complain because this is the place to VENT. They don't normally vent about the good changes because those changes aren't huge steps...they are are much like riding a bike up a steady incline....exhausting but very manageable.

I just heard from a couple of forum members that are 18 months out and are loving life...no shit.

Of course you feel hopeless right now. I get that BIG TIME. But that's not the way you are going to feel after you get off this shit. For real.... :D

So...lie to the fucking sub dr and tell that bastard you are feeling better on sub. Come here and we will continue to help you get your life back. So many of us have...and you will too. 8-)
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Fri Nov 04, 2016 7:52 pm

youve been too quiet...you ok.?.?.?
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Sat Nov 05, 2016 3:27 pm

Hi Sublind. Thank you

I've been ok lately. It's been hard but I've been making it

Today I'm really struggling. I haven't used H since before I went to the hospital but I want it pretty bad today. I'm pretty close to having myself talked into going to pick some up "just this once".
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Sat Nov 05, 2016 3:29 pm

I take my Lunesta during the day a lot because it helps with anxiety. I'm going to take one of those and see what happens. If nothing my else, after about 4 hours it'll make me so tired I would rather go to sleep than go anywhere. I'll feel worse tomorrow though for wasting the day today.
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Sat Nov 05, 2016 4:00 pm

It really sounds stupid but the lunesta really helps. It makes my body physically stop tensing up and freaking out, constantly moving, trying to find whatever is wrong (which is nothing). I know I'm not supposed to take it except for night but it's all I have and it helps - prevented me from going to get heroin today. It's amazing, lol. I'm so grateful just to be able to have a normal rest of my day doing nothing but housework and errands. It's crazy how things that are so normal for everyone else fill me with such gratitude and relief - when it happens to me

Thanks for checking in Sublind. I really appreciate you. I'll post an update of where I'm at tonight. Thank you to everyone
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Sat Nov 05, 2016 5:28 pm

MLC,you take whatever you have to,to stay away from the H...be proud of yourself for NOT giving in to that temptation.the longer you do that the further away your getting from that shit.thus making it easier to not get the urge...just keep talking to people on here to keep you in check.w ere here for you...
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Sun Nov 06, 2016 10:50 am

Housework and errands are work....you aren't being lazy. I love being left alone to do these things....and sure...it seems like you aren't productive or doing what you think you're supposed to be doing.

That topic...doing what you think you should be doing...it deserves a thread of its own. So many peeps report this feeling...especially house peeps. This work isn't valued as it should be. If you were at the office....it would be the same as the regular tasks there, opening mail and filing, going to the bank if applicable, ordering shit and picking it up or mailing shit back out. Cleaning up areas and restocking. All of THAT is work. So I gather you are thinking about the big idea work? What would that be the you?

Containing anxiety is fucking work! So taking the lunesta may not be the right protocol but it's better than going after the H, I concur. But there are other ways to get thru the shitty feelings that make you want to use.

I'm a big believer in learning some of the simple, alternative ways to handle stress. I subscribe to a newsletter that comes from http://www.emofree.com. In it you'll learn how to tap. Yeah...it sound stupid and nutty but it's a way to pinpoint and focus in on what the shits going on...and you learn a process of tapping on acupressure spots to banish some of the anxiety. Since you are spending time at home, you can do this without looking to foolish. I've gotten thru two or three surgeries using it. There's also the breathing techniques you can find on the net. Google breathing for anxiety and use any that seem to look good to you. I've also talked myself into doing crosswords...I at least feel like I'm learning something! And last but not least, I get those cheap adult coloring books, (no, not the ones full of dildo pix), :nono: :twisted: I like the nature mandela stuff and use colored pencils. My roomie has learned freestyle cross stitch to keep her head busy...she was a crackhead and meth head. She's pushing 18 months of clean time.

Motivation is a huge issue but these things are simple as hell and if you don't finish them, who cares. ;) point being you ARE doing something constructive to get you out of the shitstorm that your mind thinks it's in. :banghead:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Tue Nov 08, 2016 2:02 am

Well I just finished a nice long post, and my computer lost internet service and I had to restart it. I'll try again tomorrow. Except for this part:
Thank you everyone - "thank you" doesn't seem big enough to include how grateful I really am for this board and for all y'all. It feels like one of those times when you're getting something that you know is WAY better than what you deserve so all you can do is say thank you and be grateful.
Hope everyone is having a good week.
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Wed Nov 09, 2016 12:20 am

I have those coloring books too! I could literally waste all day doing that. My favorite is the "swear word coloring book". It makes matches my mood and makes me laugh!
I guess what leaves me feeling like I'm not doing anything useful is that I'm really doing anything to move forward in my life. I've been trying to get a second job lately. I make enough money but just barely. It scares me that I'm 35 and still renting an apartment (that is at the upper limit of my budget and I'm afraid they're going to raise the rent when my lease comes up for renewal). It's weird but my apartment is one of the few things that has given me a little bit of hope. I really like my apartment, it's exactly what I made it and I like coming home here. It's honestly the only little bit of hope and happiness that I've seen in a really long time. I want to extend that that to little parts of my life, hobbies and lessons, etc. Find stuff that I love that no one can take away from me. It's a while away but maybe one day it will work out.
The Luesta helps the anxiety and I take it as needed for that. I'm really grateful to have it. I started to really freak out at work today and it helped. I don't like taking it at work though because eventually it does make me tired, but it's better than flipping out.
I've been taking 1 Sub a day (1 5.7 Zubsolv=1 mg Sub). I think it's a good dose for now, I feel better than I did taking 2 a day. I was trying to take Wellbutrin to help stop smoking, it helped me a lot with that and just general impulse control before (I would easily stop smoking the weeks my ex husband was out of town when I was on it - I started again always when he came back because I was around it, but it was easy to stop when it wasn't there when I was on the Wellbutrin). But I've started noticing that my anxiety gets to a pretty overwhelming uncontrollable point when I take the Wellbutrin, so I'm not going to try that anymore. Just work on quitting smoking a little bit as I can. I don't really feel ready to start trying to reduce my Sub dosage, I'm going to give it another week.
The biggest thing is how overwhelming the thoughts have been about what a horrible person I feel like as a result of the last guy I dated. I've started waking up a few times a night and literally just walk around the house crying. I feel like I'm so worthless, I just can't figure out how to let it go. It's humiliating that someone would think so little of me and everything that I used to feel good about myself feels now like none of it was really real, it wasn't good enough, there wasn't anything good enough about me to even recognize or to matter in the slightest. It all just makes me want to be really quiet so at least no one sees how invaluable everything about me is. I think the best option is to accepting that that's not going to go away or get better and just try do what ever I can find to feel good about passing the time.
It's crazy, I compare myself now to what I was 7 years ago and I don't think there's a bigger or more dramatic difference anywhere else in my life. I had an extremely well respected career that people dream of having, I was successfully a girl in a male dominated field and actually earned the respect of my peers, had amazing friends. I literally woke up every day just excited about life.
I like the idea of writing down the little steps I can take to move forward. It makes me feel like progress is possible and gives me things to look forward to. I've been doing that and reading a lot of other people's stories on here. It's really sad that on top of whatever bad feelings opiates end up causing people, on top of that, there are social consequences (that can be even more devastating and long lasting) to some.
Thanks for listening and giving advice
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Wed Nov 09, 2016 10:42 am

Here's a good place to explore for you concerning the abusive men in your life.

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Sat Nov 12, 2016 9:57 pm

How do you get rid of memories you can't live with? That are literally destroying your life?
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 6:35 am

I really wish I would just die. I screw up everything around me and I can't help it. I try, I really really do, but I don't have anything to look forward to in my life. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I've been to doctors, they don't help. There is something wrong with me. No matter how hard or what I try, people don't like me and the things that made me happy in life are long gone. I can't keep going on like this and would do anything for it to just end.
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Wed Nov 16, 2016 7:48 am

You sound terribly depressed,what is the status of your drug/sub use right now?your making statements that sound like your still bouncing between subs and H and aren't actually stabile on subs...as much as we all are in this site because subsux...they can be and should be used as a tool for stability.even if you need to stay on them for an extended period of time and or at a higher dose than you are currently taking.it is better than the emotional roller coaster your on now...you have to commit to getting yourself stabile,and then maintaining that stability.
Fuck how long it takes,it doesn't matter.what matters is that you follow a path that promotes mental/emotional wellbeing first and foremost,then you can re address the sub reduction from a more stabile foundation.

Let us know what your thoughts are...we all wish you well and are here to support you...but you should already know that...
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:41 am

I haven't used H since before I had a panic attack and had to go to er. Beginning of October.
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:56 am

Do you feel your on a stabile dose of sub??
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Wed Nov 16, 2016 9:57 am

Dotz may join us I hope...
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Re: Introduction

Postby Eyedotz » Wed Nov 16, 2016 10:21 am

:shifty: Hi SB... I guess you saw me.

Hey MLC. This shit is fucking hard and it will be an emotional roller coaster. You have been through a lot and when your life starts straightening out you can begin to feel shame, depression and self-hate that you've covered up all the years of active use. Feeling empty sucks dude. I know you feel hopeless but it will get better with time. I know you've probably heard this a million times but go for a walk....no matter how shitty you feel at the moment, the endorphin release will make you feel better, even it only for 30 mins.

Life is not easy, especially when beginning your road to recovery and 'you' have to create the changes to make your future better. I am in an ok place but I work hard for it everyday. Sobriety has been very challenging at times but I am recognizing the character flaws within myself and I search to find solutions to change and have better outcomes for my life. Post sub, I have discovered that I am a super sensitive and emotional person that I still am learning about everyday. I have never had to deal with these things before, so I understand how overwhelming it can be and I understand how being defeated/weakened can feel. I have learned that no one will change my life for me and I need to persevere to make the world work for me...for my needs. No one can fix me, but me.

Please feel free to talk about how you feel... it is always a first step in my opinion. Hang in there, life IS worth it. It is the only one we have. Hugs dude. :kiss:
Eyedotz Spotify playlist (EDM Detox Mix)
https://open.spotify.com/user/eyedotz/p ... luHItCVAiQ
13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
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