Introduction

This forum is for welcoming new members, introducing yourself, and posting things that would affect or encompass all areas of addiction. If you want to post about other things...such as sports, movies, your mean wife, lazy husband, evil kids, or how bad your dog smells... then post in the Fun Stuff/Off-Topic forum.

Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Thu Oct 06, 2016 12:52 pm

Well I just got out the hospital. Had to have a coworker call the ambulance and I spent the next few hours screaming and not being able to remember my own name. There saying panic attack. I feel even worse about myself now for making such a big deal out of nothing.
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:02 pm

Oh fuck...
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:36 pm

Oh fuck! That sounds rough. Is it possible there is something else going on physically that you aren't aware of? It sounds like you are really hitting a bad place mentally, but that doesn't sound like a panic attack. Everyone is different though, so what do you think?

I am really sorry this shit is going on MLC. I know you don't want to bother your sister, but she loves you and this kind of shit your dealing with is exactly the kind of stuff any sister would want to protect you from.

And if you really and absolutely won't talk to her, is there anyone near you that you could see? This kind of stuff is not something you should go through alone. You gotta reach out to someone.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: Introduction

Postby FuckThis » Thu Oct 06, 2016 2:26 pm

Hey MLC, sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I relate to what you're saying, it's almost as if you took the words out of my mouth.

Switching between heroin and subs regularly is the worst possible thing you can do to your brain, I've done it for a long time up until recently. You're constantly messing with the chemicals in your brain and nothing ever settles down. The panic attack you described is expected considering your drug use patterns, I've had the same happen many times unfortunately. I wouldn't be surprised if you're putting yourself into precipitated withdrawals each time you switch back onto subs, the symptoms you describe sound very similar.

I know it's uncomfortable, but no more H. Please. A couple of days on sub only and some stability will return, then you can start working out a plan. The longer you go without heroin the less you'll think about it. Subs are the lesser of two evils and you will see benefits to it in the long run.
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Mon Oct 10, 2016 6:53 am

MLC, you okay?
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:12 am

FUCK THIS,brings good insight...let us know how your doing MLC...we're here for you...
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Mon Oct 10, 2016 9:22 pm

Thank you all very much
I'm pretty overwhelmed, just trying to make it in the moment. Taking the sub and no H and hoping things start getting better but terrified they're going to get worse. I go to the doctor for sub and er follow up tomorrow. He's never acted like most doctors do but I'm always so scared if I do anything but say "everything's fine", take the script and run he will make feel like a worthless druggie and refuse to continue to treat me. I really appreciate y'all checking in
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Mon Oct 10, 2016 9:33 pm

I am honestly kind of glad to hear the panic attack is related to what I've been doing and not that I'm losing it. I guess I thought I could go forever doing whatever I want and everything would be fine. It's all catching up with me. I'm just going to try and get it straightened out before it's too late hopefully
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Re: Introduction

Postby FuckThis » Tue Oct 11, 2016 12:47 am

I know it's difficult to see ahead when you feel like this, but if you stick to just taking subs it definitely won't get worse. Are you able to get a few benzos to help with anxiety for the next week or so? Not ideal but if it's only short term they will give you some much needed relief.

We've all been in the same situation when we abuse opiates, think it will all be fine. It's not until you go cold turkey or put yourself into precipitated WD's that it kicks you hard, like an 'oh fuck' moment.

The main characteristic of bupe is that it's incompatible with other opioids, it was designed to block them, making them not work at all or making you very unwell.

And don't worry, it's never too late. The changes that happen in our brains and bodies when we do this are 100% reversible.
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Tue Oct 11, 2016 3:20 pm

Just got done at the doctor. He threatened to drop me as a patient and couldn't care less about anything except the fact that I used opiates. I remember the day I went and got H when I started this binge. I felt so horrible (after being "stable" on the sub for months) that I wrote myself a note saying "you're not going to feel better no matter what you do" meaning if I did use H. I actually did feel better when I broke down and got high, but of course that doesn't last and is not sustainable. I'm just so disappointed that for the millionth time a doctor thinks I'm just dramatizing up not being OK. I'm not dumb enough to say anything is wrong again after him saying he'd drop me, he'll just say if the sub isn't helping he shouldn't prescribe it anymore and then I'd be totally and royally fucked. Guess my only option is to play the game, get off sub as soon as possible and hope to everything that I can somehow go back to how I was before all this. I used to be a really happy, competent and normal person. I really hope the anxiety and depression I had even before this binge is a side effect of the sub. If not I may as well check in to a looney farm now.
Thank you all, this forum is honestly the place I'm not treated like I'm lying or just don't know what I'm talking about or worthless because I'm a druggie.
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Tue Oct 11, 2016 5:27 pm

Hey MLC, First, I am sending you some good vibes :kiss: and I am sorry you are having a rough go of it.
Could another option be getting another doctor, if possible? That is a bit hypocritical coming from me I guess, since I am so phobic of doctors that I have ignored some serious shit for years just to avoid them. ;) But it sounds like the one you have might not be so helpful. Does he drug test you?

Also, what is the longest run on bupe you had with no other opioids? I am just curious, and if you really gave bupe a shot and it didn't work, could there is something else that would work? I feel like methadone, kratom, anything else might be better than street dope... I know the media hypes things up but all this laced dope killing people lately is scary, and maybe these other things would be better than subs if you really can't use subs to get off dope.

Also, did you ever look into cognitive behavioral therapy? We talked about it once, and I was wondering if you tried it yet.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: Introduction

Postby FuckThis » Tue Oct 11, 2016 5:55 pm

I agree with the above post regarding Kratom, it's a very good alternative to subs and pretty easy to get off. It's great for anxiety too. I wouldn't get on methadone if you're able to get Kratom, quitting M is one of the hardest things to go through. It was recently banned here in the UK, it's a real shame as a lot of people were starting to realise it's more effective than pills for pain.

Your doctor sounds like an idiot, I don't know how it works over there but I've never experienced that when talking to a doctor. Is it possible to see another doc?

What dose of sub are you on? Could your dose need adjusting? It could be too high or too low. High doses are often not needed and can really mess with your emotions.
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Tue Oct 11, 2016 8:46 pm

Thank you

I was stable on Sub for a few years before I started taking opiates again earlier this year. I know what my problem is; it sounds really dumb but this man I dated after my marriage treated me like complete garbage. I stupidly and honestly trusted that he would treat me with just the same kindness and respect you treat any living person with and he couldn't have treated me like I was more worthless. I just can't get over it. I literally think about every single day. I ordered a CBT workbook online, it should be here any day. Hopefully it will help. I've just never been treated like I matter that little and it's ballooned into me feeling like every part of my life is just as so worthless and pointless. I told my sister about it, but I know it sounds dumb and she doesn't really get why it's such a big deal to me or so hard to get over. I guess I don't really understand why either. People get burned in relationships every day and get over it, it shouldn't be this hard.

I currently take (2) Zubzolv 5.7(=16 mg Sub) a day. They come in little pills so you can't cut them like the strips, but my insurance pays 100% for them, so for now, that's it. I tried only take one a day a felt shitty. I do think I should be able to cut down within a few weeks though. I tried Kratom from the local head shop once. I took spoonfulls of the stuff and it didn't really do anything except make me nauseous because it tasted horrible. I really wish it worked for me! I thought about giving up and going on Methadone for the rest of my life. But just like IVing, I've learned by now that with opiates, when someone else who is/was addicted tells you they wish they had never started something, it's a good idea to listen. I'm in deep enough.

My life has changed a lot since the last time I was stable on Sub and since the last time (several years ago) that I didn't have any opiate in my system. I really feel like trying to compare what I would be like if I could get off the Sub with what I was like "before" isn't really possible because my life has changed so much. I do wish I knew what I would be like though, it would help to have that to look forward to and work towards. As it is now, I wonder if it really will be better, but if not, it's not like I can't start using drugs again and at least it's a chance I'll feel better.

I guess it's all just pointless ramblings. Right now, all I can do is try to get stable on the Sub, curse my doc and say what he wants to hear to get my script while I try to figure it out on my own. Benzos helped a lot but my dream of a doc decided I didn't need those anymore a few months ago and since I'm a druggie my input doesn't really matter. I'm lucky enough that he gives me sleeping pills. They help sometimes.

Thanks again everyone. I really am glad to be able to post here.
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Re: Introduction

Postby FuckThis » Wed Oct 12, 2016 2:03 am

It sounds like you have several issues going on that are unrelated to drugs, but using drugs only makes them seem worse in your head in the long run. Try making a list of everything that's bothering you and work through each one to see if you can change it, it will give you something to aim for.

Regarding splitting your subs, I get Subutex pills here in the UK. To split them I crush them up, then divide the pile of powder into equal amounts depending on the dose I need. Takes a bit of practice, the powder dissolves a lot faster than pills too.

You should be able to half your dose without feeling too bad over a few weeks if you do a taper. It's only when you get to lower doses that the taper has to be more gradual.
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Wed Oct 12, 2016 5:40 pm

Actually feeling half-way ok today. Just beyond grateful it's not another of feeling like horrible.
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Thu Oct 13, 2016 3:26 pm

Glad you are doing better MLC and I hope you keep adjusting to the bupe until you feel much better.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Thu Oct 13, 2016 6:43 pm

It should get better and better as you stabilize... Glad to hear your getting there...
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Sat Oct 22, 2016 8:16 pm

This is why I started using heroin again. I'm just hanging out at my apartment and can't stop feeling like life has already passed me by, that there is nothing in my life worth living for, that I don't fit in anywhere and severe anxiety. I wish with my whole heart I could just take heroin forever. I'm not going to try it again as I didn't like freaking out and being sent to the hospital, but I've felt this way for so long, I don't see the point anymore. I've tried all the anti-depressants and everything. I think this is just my life and it's miserable.
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Sat Oct 22, 2016 8:45 pm

I really feel like getting off the sub and all mess would give me the best chance at happiness. I'm so scared though that I've been on opiates so long I'll never get back to normal, that I'm permanently brain damaged. I think I could make it if I just knew for sure if/when I would feel normal again. I despise what my life has become, and myself for letting it happen.
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Re: Introduction

Postby Eyedotz » Sat Oct 22, 2016 10:13 pm

My friend, you are not permanently brain damaged. I am fine. Finer than fine. I had been on opioids for 25 years with 20 of them being on long acting opioids. If my brain can heal, please know that yours can too. Please do not be afraid of that. Your post made me sad because I know how you feel. I wondered throughout my entire taper if I would ever be able to achieve true happiness without 'outside chemicals'. I am here to tell you that you can... please be strong. We are all rooting for you! ~dotz
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13 Year Sub survivor - Jumped at .03mg after 9 month taper from 4-6mg.
JUMP DATE MARCH 18th, 2016

Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it.
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