Introduction

This forum is for welcoming new members, introducing yourself, and posting things that would affect or encompass all areas of addiction. If you want to post about other things...such as sports, movies, your mean wife, lazy husband, evil kids, or how bad your dog smells... then post in the Fun Stuff/Off-Topic forum.

Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Sat Sep 17, 2016 7:52 am

How's it going MCL817?
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Mon Sep 19, 2016 6:35 pm

Hi Subblind,
I've been on a bit of an H binge for the last week. I just get so tired of feeling like crap all the time, I want to feel normal for a little while. Not that that's any excuse, it always ends the same, $500 gone and still in the same place. I've been taking the Subs again for the last two days, still taking a bit of H cause the transition is hell, but I'm down to my last bit. After tomorrow it will be back on the Subs only. Feel like I'd give anything just to be able to do simple things like laundry or go to the library without feeling no motivation or crying. Guess the first step is to get back on the Subs without any H. That's about all I have the energy to think about now. Thank you for checking in, I really do appreciate it. A lot.
Sorry for being MIA Chee. I think a lot of our issues are the same. It's nice to talk to someone who can relate.

Really hope y'all are doing well!
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Mon Sep 19, 2016 9:46 pm

Glad you came back...,I'm sorry your having a rough time staying away from the H....it must be very difficult for you and I wish it wasn't that way,but I'm happy you came back.perhaps when it gets too overwhelming for you,maybe increasing your sub dose may keep you from using the H.?.?.?i know it's not ideal in any way,but at least your only working with one substance and your not gambling with the dangers that come with heroin...kinda the lesser of two evils anology.however you see it,you got people here that will listen and provide you with support regardless.
Wishing you all the best...Subblind....
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Tue Sep 20, 2016 9:29 am

Hey MLC, glad you posted! Damn, I hear you about the energy...lethargy is a tough one to power through.

Maybe if you go up or down on your sub dose like Subblind said, you would get a better headspace from it. For me, taking small amounts every few hours worked so much better than mega doses once a day...I know people say it is 'addict behavior' to take it more than once, but that is bull shit,at least at small doses. My prescribing doctor didn't agree with it when I first started seeing her, but after awhile she totally reversed position. I really think it has to do with the different opioid receptors that bupe hits and there are so many weird variables, not to mention drastically varying brain chemistry between people.


I did read once that bupe at higher doses is better for depression, and lower doses is better for anxiety. It would be tricky to figure all this out if you have just come off H though, because it might depend on levels of norbupe, which build up over time.



I forget if you get bupe from a doctor or not, but is there any way you could try it without naloxone, or try something besides the type you are on? I just feel bad knowing it isn't keeping you from H, and since no doctor can prescribe you a sao for maintenance, you are stuck between street drugs and something that just ain't cutting it... and that sucks
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Wed Sep 28, 2016 8:30 pm

Hi Chee and Sublind,
I'm kind of overwhelmed. I've done all sorts of things trying to get better from opiates but I've never had anyone I've ever spoken to that I've felt like understood and just purely supported what I was going through like your posts did. I really can't say how much I appreciate it. I don't think I even realized that it had been so long since I felt like I didn't have to pretend about something. Even people that have been through it a lot of times get this arrogant attitude that you're not really trying hard enough. I'm still on the H. I quit taking the sub for a few days and have started taking it again so it blocks the high, I just don't feel like life is worthless when I take the H. I tried to not go get some today but I couldn't stop thinking about how my life was a waste and how humiliated I am at the relationship I had right after I got out of my marriage. The thoughts were over whelming.
I don't know, I think about going to see a counselor or psychiatrist but I've been down that road. They talk to you, change meds, try to keep you calm saying it "takes time to work" until you realize enough time has passed and they don't know what they're doing and what they promised would help, isn't going to.
Thanks again. I really am grateful.
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Wed Sep 28, 2016 11:06 pm

I can see your in a bad place right now...sorry your feeling so defeated MLC.you may have mentioned it before but,how long were you on subs and are you getting them from a dr or phychiatrist?im asking because I have read that most folks need to be on them for a good while to put a big distance between them and the H.staying close to the ceiling level of the subs to get the best effect from them and greatly removing their craving for heroin...

As much as we all hate subs here,they can be beneficial to staying away from things that are much worse...It just scares me to know your still actively using heroin with all the risk of what it's being cut with these days.
Fortifying your level of subs,and re directing yourself away from that shit may be better for you in the long run...
Breaking that cycle and then re addressing a slow sub taper may be much safer for you...

I hope I'm not offending you in any way...,Just offering up some suggestions to help you get stabilized...as much as the sub sux,it ain't gonna kill you,like playing Russian roulette with the other shit. We are here for you....SB
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Thu Sep 29, 2016 10:14 am

I agree with SB....far better to stabilize on sub than not know what kind of H you're getting. Your caught in a cycle where your brain chemicals are swirling around and just not being able to reach any kind of homeostasis. Please please remember that the depression and the intrusive shitty thoughts aren't you. Of course they are there...but they aren't the person you really are. It's so easy to believe it's always going to be SHITTY. The cycle you're in is what the problem is.....it's not the real you.

You may ask....wtf is the real me? Look back to a time that you were off drugs and fairly happy....or content, or just ok. That's you. When you fuck with the opiate receptors and change up dope with them, all the real you gets muddy and you can't recall any good times.

Can you get into a sub program?
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Thu Sep 29, 2016 10:31 am

I do think you haven't found a good after marriage counselor. I believe that the fallout from this ex marriage is driving some of your intrusive thoughts. There is a wonderful website I have used for a long time that addresses situations such as yours. It is called safe relationships magazine. Google that...the lady's name is sandra brown and she is GREAT. What is weird about the whole thing is how much we blame ourselves for what happened. She explains everything...especially letting a woman know that it happen to those of us that are smart as hell, got shit going on, and though of as having our shit together. The men see that and attach themselves to us....and we get sucked in because we are the kind of woman that can handle shit.

I think getting stable on about 1-2 mgs of sub and finding a decent therapist will benefit you. Obviously you are not you...so getting the RIGHT help is what you need.

I feel for you but you are right....something has to get better and pills ain't gonna do it. You need an experienced therapist that knows their shit.

Do you live in a city or near one?
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: Introduction

Postby Steph1850 » Thu Sep 29, 2016 7:34 pm

MLC,

Welcome to SS! I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and that so many of us relate to how you feel, regrets of the past, regrets for being an addict, feeling trapped in a cycle. I was a SUPER outgoing funny girl with alot of friends up until I got sober the first time. I have bad relationship patterns and escaped from the most abusive relationship yet 2 years ago. I was able to summon the courage to break off the engagement. I feel lost in depression and anxiety too. And I know it's much worse with the sub. I spent 14 months tapering from 28mg, went thru hell and back, and I jumped 8 days ago and already feel so much better mentally!

There is hope. We are still young (you younger than me) and we can reclaim our lives and careers.
Hang in there. Don't try to solve everything now. Focus on the taper. PM me anytime or check out my thread in the crisis forum if you want to read my story but we have alot in common.

Glad you found us.
************
Tapering since July 2015. Jumped on 9/21/16!
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Sat Oct 01, 2016 11:54 am

Sanitys faded.....I have moved your post here and made you your own thread!

viewtopic.php?f=5&t=3373
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Tue Oct 04, 2016 5:56 am

Hello all,
Thank you for the replies, especially for the support. Today is my first whole day without H. I have a Sub doctor, I've been using on top of the Subs for anxiety and a couple days, I quit taking the Subs so I could get high. The transition from H to Sub is always really hard for me and I've always done it by taking Sub when I first wake up in the morning and then going ahead and doing H for the rest of the day. As long as I stay committed and taking the Sub and let it build up in my system and don't take too much H, just enough to feel better, it works pretty well.

After I stop taking H though is when I start feeling everything else. Anxiety, paranoia, low self esteem. Doctor gave tme xanax for this for a while buy then quit. It helped, but I didn't realize I was having memory loss and when I did quit taking it, I had mild cravings for more. I've never abused benzos.

I actually read your thread a while ago Steph - I can definitely relate to a lot of what you say.

I really appreciate all the support, more than I can say. My goal for now is just to stay on the Subs only and figure out a bigger plan later.
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Tue Oct 04, 2016 7:39 am

It may mean you need to take more sub...this shit is very powerful and once it's built up should level out your mood. You might have to take a few higher doses to get you stabilized and your emotions leveled off.then you can ease up on it once your feeling leveled off.

As much as we all hate this medicine,if you use it as a tool it can work In your favor...putting a little distance between you and the heroine is what's important right now.what is your prescribed dose? And how much do you have on hand??

We all hope you can get through this,and you will continue posting here so we can support you...
This can work if you let it...,that's what this medicine was designed to do...and as much as we all hate the shit,it's safer than doing what you have been doing.we know that and you do too...we are here for you...
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Tue Oct 04, 2016 1:22 pm

So today is my first day off H and on sub. I'm ok physically but pretty bad meantally. Paranoid everyone hates me, ashamed of everything I've done. Pretty much just worthless
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Tue Oct 04, 2016 2:10 pm

I've cried about 20 times today and can't quit thinking "just one more bag". I want to stop and get one in my way home SO BAD. I just don't want to feel like the most worthless person in the world for a couple more days
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Tue Oct 04, 2016 3:30 pm

Your only prolonging your misery...take 8mgs of sub and just let that work on you...you get another bag and then another bag and then another...just fill yourself with the sub and stop...in a few days you will stabilize and you will get your shit back together.the shit works if you let it.
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Tue Oct 04, 2016 3:34 pm

If your ashamed of somethings,it's probably H related and once you get past that shit things will become less intense
Just keep calm and let the sub work...it will work...take whatever you have to and just BREATHE...its gonna be ok...your brain is fucking with you,so understand that and start working to get away from the H...just BREATHE
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Tue Oct 04, 2016 7:09 pm

Thank you SB

I'm pretty much just operating on faith and hope. It feels like nothing will ever be right. I never even imagined myself ever feeling this low.
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Tue Oct 04, 2016 8:06 pm

MLC817 wrote:Thank you SB

I'm pretty much just operating on faith and hope. It feels like nothing will ever be right. I never even imagined myself ever feeling this low.




Yep....the heroin is speaking volumes to you....you have to try and break the cycle. The next bag could have some fucked up shit in it. Please be so very careful. Stay on the sub and give it a chance to work. :thumbup: :punchballs:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Wed Oct 05, 2016 9:58 am

Subblind and cheeps know what they are talking about. Give the sub a chance to kick in. Are you taking it at the right time to avoid precipatated withdrawal?

You have any support? What about your sister? I can relate to what you said about feeling like people hate us. I think that is a part of anxiety, that feeling where our low self-esteem and worry combine into a feeling of worthlessness. You are not a bad person, you just need to give your brain a break and offer it some stability. Subs may not be wonderful but they do work in the sense that they can help you get some distance from dope. I am here if you need to talk.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Thu Oct 06, 2016 1:43 am

Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it. I have been on Subs 4-5 years. I was very stable and never did any other drugs while I was on them until earlier this year. I currently get them from a general MD. I've told him all the problems and symptoms I'm having, he's given me sleeping pills and 3 different anti-depressants. I didn't start off on all this, he kept adding as I kept saying it wasn't getting any better. I actually have an appointment with him in a week. My current dose that he prescribes is 2 5.7 mg zubzolv per day (=2 8mg Subs)
I was getting the Subs from a psychiatrist before this doctor but honestly I'd rather have this doctor. He just takes what I say at face value and treats me based on that. It's not working, but at least he's trying. The psychiatrist was more into trying to figure out what was going on in my head. It made him hard to talk to. I ended up just saying "everything's fine" at each appointment and grabbing my script.
I still feel the same today as I did yesterday. I started crying multiple times at work, no hope or any self worth, got dizzy and almost fell and had bouts of paranoia that essentially left me unable to do ANYTHING at all. Literally, couldn't speak, was scared to move or draw any attention at all to myself.
I told my sister what was going on but I immediately regretted it. She has her own family and called me crying and begging me to stop the first time I said anything about taking Heroin. I know me just telling her put a tremendous amount of stress and worry on her and to call her and say "it's getting really hard" would make me feel like the most horrible selfish person on the face of the planet.
My plan for right now is just to make it through the day tomorrow. Just to maintain at my job and come home and sleep and not think about how I'm possibly going to be able to ever make things better. I don't have the capacity at this point.
I don't think I Preciptated Withdrawls. Physically I don't have any WD symptoms, it's the same mental/emotional stuff that goes along with withdrawal I guess. I just know I was having problems before I started taking the H (was stable on Subs for about 3 months) and started taking Heroin just to have a little bit of time that I could be happy, motivated to do the simple things that make up one's life and to not feel like crap about myself and my life all the time.
I appreciate the support and kindness more than I can say, thank you
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