Woohoo, glad you posted again and I didn't scare you away with book-length posts!
It sounds like you and I are similar in lots of respects. You mentioned anti-depressants not working for you, well I had a nightmare last night that I went to a doctor for flexiril or neurontin for my restless limbs, and he would only give it to me if I started taking Celexa. Lol. In my dream I was thinking, 'will he know if I just throw the celexa away and not take it, and just keep the other stuff?' So, I guess we can relate to SSRIs not doing jack! I have never been more depressed than when I was on anti-depressants.
And I have been on subutex since it was released...I was trying to figure out my timeline yesterday, and it was around 2001 when I started doing dope and then I tried methadone for maybe a couple months right before bupe was released, and then they switched me to that as soon as they were legally able. They switched me to subutext pretty quick too, because suboxone was making my anxiety worse...the doc said it was a reaction to the naloxone and I would be better off without it. So, I have been on straight bupe for what, like 13 years, I guess-- at about 4 mgs for 9 of them and then lower. They started me at 32 but I dropped myself down pretty quick and scattered my dose throughout the day so I didn't get huge blasts of it. I have been looking up old emails and stuff and trying to get an accurate timeframe, and it looks like I went down to 2 mgs in 2012, struggled a little in 2013, and finally dropped to around 1mg in 2015, and struggled as I tried to get under 1. I bounced between 0.5 and 1.25 for awhile.
A big problem I had was dividing the pills accurately. I don't think the bupe in the pills is evenly distributed with the buffer, so sometimes I would take it and feel very rough and other times really feel it. Once I read about the liquid taper I was psyched. I kept a strict taper schedule starting at the end of April, from 1mg and until I got to 0.4mg... I know a lot of people don't recommend setting a schedule, but it worked for me to get me to that point. Maybe because I am stubborn, and if I was scheduled to drop that afternoon, then I did it even if I really didn't want to.
Once I got to 0.4 I started getting really upset stomachs, and decided I was low enough to let my body tell me what to do next, with the rules being: Always be honest, Never ever ever go back up to a higher dose, and always progress to a lower one once I am ready. I also started getting in this frame of mind of, as long as it isn't subs, its okay. So I let myself have a drink if I think I need it, or eat a whole pint of ice cream. Or whatever, just no falling back on subs.
It sounds like your sister is a good support. That is awesome! I hope the CBT workbook is helpful. The reviews are really high, so I bet it will be great.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash
Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017