Introduction

This forum is for welcoming new members, introducing yourself, and posting things that would affect or encompass all areas of addiction. If you want to post about other things...such as sports, movies, your mean wife, lazy husband, evil kids, or how bad your dog smells... then post in the Fun Stuff/Off-Topic forum.

Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Tue Aug 30, 2016 6:48 pm

Hello SubSux,
I'm not really sure where to start. I've been on Subs for about 5 years now and want to get off but I'm scared. I've tapered down to .5 mg before, I'm currently on zubzolv 5.7 (=8 mg Sub). Two things are holding me back, obviously the physical withdrawal, I'm just a wimp when it comes to this. My body hurts, extreme anxiety, no energy. I've tried to stop before, when I had only been on Sub a year or two but still felt horrible at a the one week mark and gave up. I wish I had stuck with it, my withdrawals are much worse now after having been on it for so long.

The second thing I'm scared of, is that I'll never be happy. I'm not happy now and I think the Sub has a lot to do with it, but I'm terrified I'll get off the Sub, look around and decide my life SUCKS. I have lost a huge professional opportunity, pretty much what I lived for before Sub and I'm scared I'll feel like my life isn't worth anything without the Sub to keep me from really feeling my life and without the chance to get my career back.

I never feel good now, no matter how long I'm "stable" on Sub my mood and energy level doesn't improve. The doctor has given me tons of anti-depressants, sleeping pills, anxiety medication, etc. nothing helps. It feels like a vicious cycle, I think it has to be the Subs but I feel even worse without the Subs with no hope of getting better.

Lately I've been occasionally taking opiates (heroin, I never used heroin until now, only pain pills) for a couple days at a time. I know it's not "helping" me but honestly that's what has gotten me thinking about all this. I actually feel normal when I'm high. I can do simple things like grocery shop, laundry even have hope of meeting people and building a life (I recently moved to a new city and don't know anyone, but I felt the same before I moved). I have trouble meeting people and making friends, I'm literally just not good at it, but that's another story.

I guess I'm just hoping that someone has maybe been through something similar or what anyone thinks about my situation. I've spoken to a family member about all this, but not having had anything to do with opiates ever and not struggling with making friends or worrying about things like I do, all she could really do was encourage me. I'm grateful for the support, but I wonder what your insights might be. I've also tried to talk to my doctor about this, actually a few doctors, to put it simply, they're not going to be any help at all.

Thank you for reading all of this and thank you for your advice and opinions!
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Tue Aug 30, 2016 10:17 pm

Depression sucks...anxiety is worse....sub depression is the pits.

How old are you? See, you've made some comments that make me think you have to be at least 35...hitting on 50. The only person that gets to beat you up is me and I don't know you well enuff to give you an ass whupping yet.
:P
Stop the shoulda couldas though. No more of that. The bomb could go off tomorrow. (Us boomers grew up with that one.) you'll really have to convince me that you could have been on lottery level winnings to have me believing that you squandered a chance as bad as you think you have....but you can try to convince me. I'm having a real senior moment because I'm not sure what you mean....are you in the process of rebuilding your career now and don't want to lose it? Careers are lost daily...for many reasons....do you have kidlets? Women lose careers when they have kids.

I think I need to go to bed. I'm going to check back on you tomorrow. I will say this....many peeps feel better at 2mgs....not sure what the conversion is with your shit. Need zzz's to think. :crazy:

I get that you are in a damn cycle....just not sure which washer you are in. :mrgreen:

Welcome to SS. Sorry you had to come find us...but glad you are here.
10 yrs on methadone
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Wed Aug 31, 2016 9:56 pm

Hi Cheeps,
Than you so much for answering!

I am mid-thirties, good guess! I don't have kids. I gave up my job when I got married. I regretted it pretty quickly, but was too weak to actually stand up to my then husband(now divorced) and go get it back. It's a pretty sensitive job and having any kind of substance abuse or even dependence in my history would immediately prevent me from passing the background checks necessary to get a job. I know medical information is supposed to be private, but unfortunately, that doesn't apply to all situations. Some things just can't be undone. This is the first thing I've ever done that will really affect the choices I am allowed to make for the rest of my life. I could not declare it and hope it's not found, might work, might also land me in jail for perjury. The pay was good, but it's not even the pay, it was the pure joy of having a job that I loved.

I honestly feel like a huge part of my life has passed me by. That's pretty upsetting, but I'd usually just pick myself up and go get back to where I wanted to be. I'm just scared I won't be able to because of all this. The only other career I've ever thought about was lawyer and from researching that, I don't think that's an option, again because of the substance abuse. Any position in the medical field would also be closed to me, many government positions. I guess this is all what I mean when I say I'm afraid I'm essentially going to get back to reality getting off Sub and look around and think my life isn't even worth it any more. I'm really having trouble getting my mind around that no matter what I may do in the future, this will always hold me back.

I have a really good, boring job now, but I've realized that having a career that I'm proud of and challenged by was a huge part of my happiness and will be a huge part of being able to be happy in the future.
I am also really realizing that the Sub is affecting my moods and overall health. I'm afraid that even if I get off the Sub my moods won't go back to normal. As wrong as it is to think, at least now the Sub kind of dulls my emotions, having all those feelings come back along with mood instability and depression and not being able to have a goal (career) to look forward to and work towards seems like it would be worse than staying on the Sub? At least now I'm not feeling the full extent of it.

I'm sorry I'm such a downer. I usually try to stay positive and upbeat. I've really just never even mentioned all this to anyone except my sister and she's never used opiates or had a career (she's happy being a housewife). I appreciate her support but I wonder what anyone else who has actually been through the whole opiate deal thinks about it. I don't think the doctors understand, they say you don't get withdrawal from Sub, that it's easy to quit and that I should stay on it forever.

Anyways...thanks all for listening and your thoughts.
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Thu Sep 01, 2016 7:52 am

Hey MLC,
I am new to this site too, and I read your post and I am curious what happened when you got down to 0.5 before? Were you there long enough to be stable on it? I have noticed a few people all over the net say that they dropped to some small amount,like 0.25, and then jumped and still had a horrible time. The thing is, so many times when I read their back story,they were at 8mgs for a year, then in the span of a couple weeks dropped to 4mg, then 2, then 1 then 0.25, and they never stabilized on any of those lower doses. I am not saying that is the case with you,but I am just curious if you really gave yourself time, and that maybe trying again won't be so bad if you take it slow.

To me, when I read your post I don't feel any worry about lost job opportunities, but I sure feel worry when I read that you are doing H. As someone who spent a few years on it, I can tell you right now that if you are worried about the way job professionals or other people will look at you, you should stop that shit now. I can't tell you how many times I have had to face the shame of admiting to using H, and for so many people, especially doctors and professionals, there is a line between other opiates and H. I am NOT saying I necessarily agree with that line, but if you really are worried about how future professionals will see you, stop the H and pretend like it was a bad dream. Even now I can see this one doctor's expression after he asked me 'what opiates did you use?' and I told him. Made me feel like suddenly I couldn't be trusted in the exam room alone, like I might try and steal the lightbulbs or something.

I feel like I can really relate to some of your situation. We are about the same age, I got a great degree in a science field that I love a few years ago and as I detox off of bupe I feel like I have forgotten everything I learned and that I will never have the job and life I worked hard to try for. I have used opioids to self-treat anxiety and panic disorder for a long time and the thought of not having them to get me through is scary, but for some reason, there is this huge need inside me to do just that.

I will say that I never could take high doses of subs, and stuck to about 4 mgs. That is where I felt it worked best for me. I read a doctor's website and he said he found that people medicating for anxiety tend to stick to lower doses because of the way bupe acts on the kappa receptors. I will see if I can find the page and link it, if that doesn't break the rules here. I also never could take it just once a day, something my previous doctor didn't agree with at first but as she saw more patients, she told me she thought that divided doses allowed people to stay at lower levels like I was on.

I wonder if you would be better served by a lower dose, if you also have anxiety issues like me.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Thu Sep 01, 2016 9:37 am

I'm on the fly right now....but wanted both of you to know that you CAN get your previous lives back. You do have time. You are in a false sub depression. When I can get back on, I'll try to get some links for you that have the updates from peeps that have been on for years, got off and finally are free, normal, living a good life.

It can be done....women have so much to regain....but it can be done.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
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Knee surgery 9/19/14
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Thu Sep 01, 2016 8:16 pm

Cheezanndee,I can tell just by reading your posts that you are going to do this...,I can just feel your sincerity and intellect and hope you continue to post here, as we all can benefit from each others perspectives and experience.
Thanks for all you add to the forum
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Fri Sep 02, 2016 9:16 am

Thanks Cheeps. But I don't even know if I want my old life back. I want to be stronger than I was, and less scared of everyone and everything. I was a sad, fucked up teen-ager and a fucked up twenty-something, and I have spent most of my thirties un-fucking myself. Just gotta finish the job up I guess.

And thanks Subblind. I was terrifed to start posting here but I am happy I did. I feel a lot less lonely to see how many people are in the same boat. I read a lot of your thread yesterday and holy shit, you are a hard working dude. I almost started asking you for home improvement advice, because you seem to know it well, until I realized maybe this ain't the place for that, haha! You are very inspiring, and it sounds like you have a plan to get where you need to be. I know I can learn a lot from you and everyone here. I already feel like I have learned so much...like I am in a weird school... A Hogwarts for oddballs perhaps? Hoo boy, can't wait to see what kind of wizard I will be at the end.

MLC, I hope you are doing well. If you ever want to talk, I seem to be here all the time. Maybe we could help each other through the rough times.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Fri Sep 02, 2016 9:39 am

It's great to have what we call "jump buddies". No matter where you are in your taper, having others that are going thru the same and conversating with them is soothing....or venting....I love a good rant/vent!

Subblind loves sub Drs...I mean this man has the upmost respect and admiration for those cheerful, helpful, intelligent, well educadacadated fucking Quacks!


Why were you terrified to post? :?:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Fri Sep 02, 2016 11:10 am

Haha, I was terrified to post because I am generally terrified of EVERYTHING!
Did I mention I might have a couple anxiety disorders? The biggest challange for me will be finding my bravery post-sub, but I think I can do it. I kinda just have to accept and get used to being nervous, as opposed to sucking on some chemical induced faux-courage.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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Re: Introduction

Postby Subblind » Fri Sep 02, 2016 1:49 pm

You can ask me ANYTHING young lady,will be my pleasure to assist you any way I can...also be proud of yourself for what your doing here...,it shows you got more nerve than you think you have...and we will keep supporting you anyway we can.eyedotz can help you with the fear...,your in a good place kid.im working now but will add more later
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Sat Sep 03, 2016 11:16 am

Hi all!
I agree that most people see a line between pills and H. I did myself, until I did it. I would have much preferred pills, but just couldn't get any. My doctor was actually pretty cool when I told him. He just kept saying that we would "try to put me back together". I wish I hadn't told the truth because he wrote it in my medical record, but it was just that once I ever admitted to it. If it came down to it, I could say I never said that and it was a mistake it got written down. See, my biggest worry over all of this is how I'll ever try and explain my medical record if I try to fight and get my job back with the background, or if I just don't declare it and get caught. Ugghh... so not what I should be worried about right now, but the only thing that gives me hope is the possibility of getting that life back.
I think I've had anxiety, but could always deal with it. I have definitely had panic, but it actually relates only to social situations. I had an amazing life, until I got married. My relationship was horrible in every way you can imagine and I fully believe that if I hadn't gotten into it, or had the strength to get out when I knew it was wrong, I never would have done all this. None of that really matters now I know.
I haven't ever really tapered the right way. I absolutely think that will be the only way off this. The days that I accept that I'm just going to feel like crap for the rest of my life are actually the closest I ever get to making progress. It sounds morbid I know but I honestly think continuing to live like that might actually kill me. I don't see how a person can go around feeling like crap for that long and not just drop dead eventually. On a normal day I have no motivation do anything, my body feels weak and shaky and I'm feel panic being around other, but also at thought of never being able to be around people. It makes me feel like the most pathetic person ever to waste my life sitting around, but I'm too scared of people to go make friends and lack physically feeling strong enough to get up and do even the most basic things. I never imagined this would be me. I used to have an amazing life, it's hard to accept the change in myself and my life.
What a ball of sunshine on a Saturday morning! I'm sorry I'm so blah, I would give anything to be able to get past it, but I've tried everything I can think of, a literally nothing works. It's why I try to just accept that's how I'm going to feel horrible so that maybe I can make some progress and maybe one day if I can ever get off the Sub it will get better. But I'm terrified it won't. It seems to be my only chance though.

I was pretty scared to post too, kind of still am, lol. I know I'm not exactly at my best right now and pretending I am kind of defeats the purpose of posting, but I'm pretty scared to just talk without trying to put a positive spin on it or not be too far down in the dumps.

Chee - do you have to have a background check to get back into the career you trained for? Would just not mentioning all this to anyone be an option? Are you tapering now?

Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend. Thank you all for this forum. It's pretty amazing to be able to talk to people who are dealing with or have dealt with the same thing.
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Sat Sep 03, 2016 5:44 pm

Yeah....I get how you feel.....feeling suicidal and talking about it can feel intimidating. You don't want to admit it for fear of running peeps away. It's embarrassing to feel and express the negativity. There are some days that my stress response over rides my dose. The anxiety puts me in a false state of what I call "stress induced withdrawal" due to massive anxiety. I know it's not the real me when this happens and I don't want to talk to a shrink about it because it goes away fairly quickly once I take my meds.

Depression just sucks major ass and sub makes it worse. There's a lot to gain coming off....you usually have a stage post detox of happiness, relief and celebratory emotion then you will have the rollercoaster effect after that. Low days, good days, and during that time you feel very out of sorts. But you won't know WHAT is really going to happen until you get there. It's worth a try. Sub causes depression...you are living it now. Getting off may get rid of some of it....you just have to try and see what happens.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
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Knee surgery 9/19/14
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Re: Introduction

Postby cheeps » Sat Sep 03, 2016 5:53 pm

And kudos to you for posting how you feel. It is scary to put yourself out here. To risk having peeps tell you to suck it.

There's one thing that you might want to try and that's straight old CBT. I think we can get into the habit of negativity because of the depression. Some retraining might help. There are places online that can help you do this therapy. I think the main thing is to accept yourself the way you are....but don't accept that it's the way you're going to be the rest of your life.

So...were you able to get away from your married life? I just want to make sure I'm reading you right.
10 yrs on methadone
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Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
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2017 taper in progress
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Mon Sep 05, 2016 2:14 pm

How's it going MLC? Are you thinking of tapering and seeing if a lower dose helps with any anxiety and panic?

Cheeps suggested CBT, and I have really wanted to try that too.I have tried on my own and also saw a CBT therapist for a bit, but she was awful. I kept asking her for some actual CBT exercises or something...but she liked to talk shit about her other clients, so I quit seeing her.

So I think I should try again with a different therapist or psychiatrist at some point. There are some workbooks out there apparently too which look good.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Mon Sep 05, 2016 9:21 pm

Hi Cheeps and Chee
Thanks Cheeps! I appreciate the understanding. Definitely scary to say same some of this but I really appreciate having somewhere to talk about it.
I'm definitely going to check out the CBT. A workbook would be perfect! I'm not real big on therapists or doctors. I've tried a few therapists and doctors. I really can't see where any of them have helped and apart from drugging me up, I can't think of anything they could do help. I do occasionally think the drugging up part wouldn't be a bad way to live, lol. That would most certainly end badly though I'm sure!
I am going to try and taper. My choices are to stay on H permanently (which would pretty quickly turn into worse depression once the addiction ruined the little bit of a life I do have now) or try something new. I'm really really hoping the Sub is a big factor in the way I feel. From the outside looking in I can clearly see where it's depression but I have trouble labeling it that myself because it seems like so much more than that, but that's certainly what it is. I'm going to read other people's posts and come up with a plan. I've never really don't it the right way.
Chee what causes your panic? I read a few posts and didn't see it, going to read more now so forgive me if it's already posted but are you tapering or plan to?
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Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Tue Sep 06, 2016 8:48 am

Hey MLC!

So you are on heroin and subs? It is too bad one doesn't hold you, and here in the states, subs would unfortunately be the only legal option aside from methadone right? I think in other countries they have experiemented with giving addicts short acting opiates as maintenance. I honestly wish the states would think about trying that. I think a daily short acting opiate would have been better for me in the long run because subs seemed to kick off some mega health problems, but it was the only option aside from the daily degredation of a methadone clinic.

I tried that too though, just before subs were introduced, Methadone did keep my anxiety at bay, but it was too strong and the clinic literally would not let me take less than a certain amount, 30mgs I think it was. With subs, I finally didn't have some asshole nurse breathing down my neck anymore. I know people hate subs, and I get it, but damn, after going through the clinic, I was so incredibly thankful to finally have a script and be in control of my medication. But I still think I would have done better on SAOs. I just knew I couldn't take H anymore because the risk of arrest or contaminated batches was too great.

My panic disorder and anxiety problems are partly a reaction to my upbringing, but mostly genetic in my opinion. It for sure runs in the family. My grandma struggled badly with it and so do both my parents. We are super sensitive people who should probably be farming in the middle of nowhere as opposed to dealing with the stress of modern life, ha! I can have a panic attack from feeling too sick, from feeling too good, and from absolutely nothing. It is ridiculous.

So, when you say opiates help you with depression, I hear you. They helped with my anxiety. In a way, subs helped to retrain how I react to anxious situations. You have probably heard the saying, "those that fire together, wire together" meaning the parts of your brain that fire at the same time become associated. Before subs, any social interaction was associated with anxiety. Thanks to the numbing power of opioids, I didn't feel as much panic during social interactions, and even when I did, I was so numb, and it helped me learn to deal.

If I had been in CBT while on subs, I bet I really could have retrained my brain.

But I can't wait anymore, I am ready to be done with them. I honestly feel that they were really messing up my health and making some parts of my anxiety worse, because I was on them so long. I have been tapering for ever, it seems like. I am on 0.25mgs and will try not to jump until I am much lower.

It is great to talk to someone with similar issues. I hope my long posts don't scare you away and you keep posting!
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

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Re: Introduction

Postby Ready_For_Change » Thu Sep 08, 2016 1:04 am

Hey there! I noticed you had some encouraging words for me, then while I can't sleep tonight and it's been a suck ass day, I do understand all emotions coming to you at once! I like others have my regrets! My grandmother always said everything in this life happens for a reason! You had to take every step you took, to become who you are! The person wearing all the armor isn't you! YOU are raw, have feelings, and aren't numb! Today I've been on an emotional roller coaster! If you have nothing to live for, do you have something worth dying for! That's what suboxne does, but you already know that or you wouldn't be here! The first step is yours!
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Sun Sep 11, 2016 10:43 am

Hi Chee,
Not scared off at all. I actually really love talking to someone about all this and appreciate all you have to say. I don't really take H and Subs at the same time. I take breaks from the Sub for H. Then do a bit more once I start back taking the Subs because the transition can be too harsh. I took H for the first time earlier this year because I was on a super low dose of Sub stable at .5-1 mg but was still way too high to jump. I honestly believe I would have been OK if just toughed out the pain pill withdrawals in the first place. I was taking about 10 10mg loritabs a day and had been doing so for about six months. The first two months I went a got Sub from a doctor I literally forgot to keep taking it after a couple weeks and was fine. But both times started taking pills again because I had easy access and thought since Sub was so easy to come off of them with, there wasn't really any reason not to. Then I couldn't quit taking the Sub without getting deathly depressed. So six months ago I figured if I could take pain pills for a month, maybe use a little bit of Sub at the end if I had to, and finally be off. I couldn't find pain pills so I started using H. When it came time to stop I realized I really fucked up. The 2 mgs of Sub that used to more than take any withdrawals away didn't do anything. I panicked and went back to the Sub doctor and got on 2 5.7 mg zubsolve (equivalent of 16 mg Sub). I didn't know about using H to ease back onto the Sub so the transition was dreadful and really scary for a few days. Then I started taking both at the same time and it was much easier. The Sub was working and I barely got high, but it took away the horrible symtoms I was having. After about a week of both I could compfortably quit H and stick just with the Sub.
Now I take breaks for Sub for H just because I want to remember what it feels like to be normal. I literally feel the way I did before more marriage and starting pain pills when I'm on it. I know it's not helping me in the long run, and I won't be able to do it again for a while because of money, but sometimes I just want to be myself for a day or two. I do see that the only way out is to get stable on the Subs and stay there. Ii also occasionally run out of my script early and have used H until I could get a refill (would have actually rather bought Sub off the street in those instances, but I couldn't find any).
I am going to make a taper plan and stick to it. Posting here really helps too. Sorry I've been MIA for a few days. Had a friend from home visiting last week and my sister this week.
I think it's amazing that you've gotten your dose that low and are stable. I'm truly inspired. Being consistent on a low dose is the hardest part for me, but it seems like you've done that really well. And I really believe that's the only realistic way off. I'm going to set my goal right now to be off Subs in the next six months. That's March 11th. Not going to make it a hard goal, because I think the part that I was always lacking before was slowing down and stabilizing but I should be able to make significant progress by then.
I understand exactly what you're saying about learning to be better socially while taking opiates I've always been awkard, sometimes more than others, but I did pay attention to how I speaking and how my thoughts changed toward social interactions when I was on opiates and try to apply that to how I am off pain pills or H. Sometimes it's hard to remember since I don't feel the same way off H or pills. It's also been really good to hang out with people from home. It feels easier to be myself and be social when you've had time with loved ones you can just be yourself with no worries around.
How long did you take opiates before you started on Sub? What is your plan beyond where you are now to get off Sub? What was your timeline like to get to where you are now?
I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of that anxiety, it was always hard for me to understand until it started happening to me really badly but there's really nothing that can ruin your day quicker. I always get mad at myself when it happens too because logically I know it's not real and that I don't want to let it ruin my day or whatever I'm doing, but I don't know how to make that happen and try as I might, I can't control it to the point that it doesn't affect my actions or mood.
I've actually wondered before if it's possible to have a mood disorder. The biggest thing I get out of any drug I've used is an improved mood. I wonder if this is true for everyone? I've always struggled with my moods, ever since I was little, but I don't know how to control them. I think I'm in low mood most of my life. Good moods are occasional and don't last long. I know when my surroundings were different that was different. The one time I was regularly in a good mood was in college and when I started my career after college. I'm ordering the CBT workbook today. I'll do anything just to be a normal person. I know they have mood stabilizers but having either had no effect from many of the anti-depressant meds they've prescribed me, I wonder if it would work for me. I'm stopping taking the anti-depressants I was on. They make literally no difference and insurance won't cover them anymore.
I dunno, I'm feeling better. I really really hope it doesn't go away when my sister leaves. In addition to making a taper plan and posting it my the end of the week, I'm going to start reading up on eating well and keep going to the gym (exercise does help).
I think it's cool to hear that you're so sensitive. I can 100% relate to that too!! This post is getting long, but I really am glad to talk to you Chee!!
MLC817
 
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Re: Introduction

Postby MLC817 » Sun Sep 11, 2016 11:04 am

Hi Cheeps,
I did get out of my marriage. I should have left I long before I did. He was physically abusive, killed my dog, financially unstable (spent ALL our money on stupid stuff for himself, I was actually dumb enough that I thought if I went and got ANOTHER job working a total of 80 hours a week we'd actually be able to pay the bills - nope that was just extra spending money for him) addicted to drugs and alcohol and cheated on me. I still never left him. I thought if I was a good wife and continued to support him and be kind and loving it would all work out all OK. He eventually told me he was leaving! Lol, obviously that didn't work out like he thought since without me there to make sure he didn't get arrested for being or driving too high, work myself to exhaustion to fund his spending habits or just generally babysit him his life fell apart pretty rapidly. He's asked me back several times but I'm to the point that after everything's that's happen I just can't even see him in a romantic way at all. It hurts me to hurt him. I'd literally give anything to keep anyone I know from hurting because there's nothing in the world that hurts me as badly as to see others sad, but I literally physically can't do it. The scariest part about us separating was honestly that I'm old now! Lol, when I was younger, in my twenties, before I got married. I was really pretty and got lots of attention. Now that I'm in my mid 30's it's not at all the same. It's scary because that's a lot of how actually had learned to relate to people and now that I look like any other middle aged woman, I have to try ad figure out how to talk to people without having that to play off of. I hope it doesn't come across as snotty, I actually probably used to be snotty, lol, but I'm now paying the price for it as I feel like nothing without being pretty. I read a few of other people's threads (still have some reading I need to do) but like I said earlier, my goal is to be off Subs in 6 months. I'm not going to make that a hard goal so that I give myself room to slow down if I need to and make SURE I do in a stable way this time, but I plan to post my plan to be off by the end of this week. Will you tell me what you think and make any suggestions you know will help? I'm also going to include exercise and vitamin regimen but if you see anything I'm missing that may help, I'd be eternally grateful for the feedback!
Thank you so much!

Hi Ready!! Thank you for the kind words!! It's funny you say "do something worth dying for", that's exactly how I think of it. If I don't have things in my life that are that important to me, I do feel like I'm wasting time and am very unhappy. The first towards my getting there though is to get off the Sub. As soon as I can do that, I think I can make progress into building that life back. I just hate how old I am to start doing it. It seems like that should be something people in the early 20's are doing. But no matter, it's much better than never having a life worth living for, and honestly the biggest part of the excitement is when things are new and your building them up. If I was already in that position, I'd probably be aching for some excitement. How is your taper/jump going? I'm fixen to head over to thread and check and see, but I've actually thought of you a few times this week and am really happy and hopeful at how well you are doing!
MLC817
 
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Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2016 6:23 pm

Re: Introduction

Postby CheeZeeAnnDee » Mon Sep 12, 2016 9:45 am

Woohoo, glad you posted again and I didn't scare you away with book-length posts!

It sounds like you and I are similar in lots of respects. You mentioned anti-depressants not working for you, well I had a nightmare last night that I went to a doctor for flexiril or neurontin for my restless limbs, and he would only give it to me if I started taking Celexa. Lol. In my dream I was thinking, 'will he know if I just throw the celexa away and not take it, and just keep the other stuff?' So, I guess we can relate to SSRIs not doing jack! I have never been more depressed than when I was on anti-depressants.

And I have been on subutex since it was released...I was trying to figure out my timeline yesterday, and it was around 2001 when I started doing dope and then I tried methadone for maybe a couple months right before bupe was released, and then they switched me to that as soon as they were legally able. They switched me to subutext pretty quick too, because suboxone was making my anxiety worse...the doc said it was a reaction to the naloxone and I would be better off without it. So, I have been on straight bupe for what, like 13 years, I guess-- at about 4 mgs for 9 of them and then lower. They started me at 32 but I dropped myself down pretty quick and scattered my dose throughout the day so I didn't get huge blasts of it. I have been looking up old emails and stuff and trying to get an accurate timeframe, and it looks like I went down to 2 mgs in 2012, struggled a little in 2013, and finally dropped to around 1mg in 2015, and struggled as I tried to get under 1. I bounced between 0.5 and 1.25 for awhile.

A big problem I had was dividing the pills accurately. I don't think the bupe in the pills is evenly distributed with the buffer, so sometimes I would take it and feel very rough and other times really feel it. Once I read about the liquid taper I was psyched. I kept a strict taper schedule starting at the end of April, from 1mg and until I got to 0.4mg... I know a lot of people don't recommend setting a schedule, but it worked for me to get me to that point. Maybe because I am stubborn, and if I was scheduled to drop that afternoon, then I did it even if I really didn't want to.

Once I got to 0.4 I started getting really upset stomachs, and decided I was low enough to let my body tell me what to do next, with the rules being: Always be honest, Never ever ever go back up to a higher dose, and always progress to a lower one once I am ready. I also started getting in this frame of mind of, as long as it isn't subs, its okay. So I let myself have a drink if I think I need it, or eat a whole pint of ice cream. Or whatever, just no falling back on subs.

It sounds like your sister is a good support. That is awesome! I hope the CBT workbook is helpful. The reviews are really high, so I bet it will be great.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don't you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash

Hozier-Arsonist's Lullabye

Telling subs to fuck off since March 20, 2017
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CheeZeeAnnDee
 
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