My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Wed Jan 06, 2016 8:47 pm

Hi TIA...thanks for the support guys, girls. It means a lot. Especially from people I have never met for a second.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Wed Jan 06, 2016 9:06 pm

So I don't forget:
Worst withdrawals were first 5-10 days.
RLS
Twitching
Irritated Eyes
Racing Thoughts
Nausea and Diarrhea
Hallucinating---mild?
Confusion
Hyper Sexuality
Dissociative---mild?
ANXIETY
Hot, Cold, sweats
Disturbed vision
FEELING LIKE DEATH...Or the Flu on the best fucking steroids.... ever.
one More, Sneezing 4 or 5 times in a row....not the worst one

OH...almost forgot about the brain ZAPS------Don't think it's a real symptom? Google it. This one almost had me thinking I was batshit crazy. Somewhere I read Fish Oil helps with it. When I tried the Fish Oil the Zaps went away, no shit. Maybe in my mind, but it worked.
Zaps-my definition- when you hit your elbow really fucking hard and it goes "asleep". Only this feeling is localized in your head, brain and face. Lovely fucking feeling that will not go away.
or google this: Lhermitte's sign
Last edited by phookihurt on Wed Jan 06, 2016 10:26 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby subster58 » Wed Jan 06, 2016 9:28 pm

hey Pook, you're welcome. we are like a small family. I didn't have anyone to talk to about this shit, no one got it. I felt so alone and hopeless. When I came here I cried my guts out and people understood and cared. It was a huge relief, dig?. I pissed and moaned for 2 years and not once did anyone ever give up on me, Blew me away,
So welcome to our family. Best people in the world to me.
all of those are detox symptoms from all the shit you stopped taking all at once, Just be very careful, Tomorrow try and get your blood pressure checked out at Walgreens, CVS, You're in the thick of it now. Too many meds to quit taking all at once. Do what cheeps said,
Peace,
Tia
subsucker free 4-30-12
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Thu Jan 07, 2016 12:13 am

12:12am slept for an hour. Woke up out of a dead sleep. Withdrawals are bad. But, not as bad as they have been. Hoping they don't last too long.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby cheeps » Thu Jan 07, 2016 10:01 am

I think knowing that you can get relief from things like acupuncture really helps with the mental. The last rehab I went to had acupuncture and I got the use it 5 or 6 times....I know it helped. Those fucking brain zaps come from getting off the benzos or/and the gabapentin, also any anti depressants...you may have them for a while but they should eventually go away.

I guess the main thing is you being strong enough to outlast all these different physical and mental issues...it's a battle you seem to be ready for. Lack of sleep is the worst issue according to the many peeps who have gone before you. I advocate resting with slow music even if you can't sleep.

Hang on and post often. It looks like you, Ted, and Patti are what we call "jump buddies"...hopefully you guys will be able to support each other because you sure know what it's like doing this shit. It's going to be the hardest thing you ever do....but you can do it. 8-)
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Thu Jan 07, 2016 11:38 am

Feeling decent for hammered shit, right now. Glad to have Jump buddies. WE will do it because we want to, and because IT is right.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby subster58 » Thu Jan 07, 2016 6:03 pm

Phookie, ditto to what cheeps posted. It will be one of the hardest things you do in your life, but well worth it in the end, Hang on you can do it.. Never give up and keep pushing through whatever comes your way
Peace
Tia
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Thu Jan 07, 2016 6:51 pm

Grateful, for lots of reasons.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Fri Jan 08, 2016 6:13 am

Things I do not want to forget, but do not want to dwell on:
>Picked up my last bottles of "medicine" on 11/04/15 including most of the ones listed above, definitely Gabapentin 800mg tablets, Clonezepam, and Zubsolve.
>As of 12/05/15 I was out of 97% of all of these meds and started to taper drastically.
>Things I know I tapered were Zubsolve, Clonezepam, and Gaba(this really quickly). Stopped other things "cold Turkey"
>The Zub was cut from 5.7-mg/1.4-mg to 1.4-mg/0.36-mg On around 10/04/15 So real I tapered or cut down, for at least a month before I even thought about "jumping" .
>I "stepped" down from 5.7-mg/1.4-mg twice a day on November 5th to 1.4-mg/0.36-mg , until December 5th. One month on -1.4-mg/0.36-mg. I then broke several of these Zubs into at least 4 pieces and only took these
only when needed for at least a week.

Reality-It was actually a slow taper
I started to taper @ the beginning of November for about a month.
towards the end of November I took 3 to 5 of the smallest ZUB @ 1.4-mg/0.36-mg. and broke them into three small pieces.
Around eight days ago I had my last little sliver. Seven days before that, a little sliver. So two weeks on on less than ONE QUARTER OF ONE PILL- OF THE SMALLEST PILL AVAILABLE- 1.4-mg/0.36-mg.

I "Jumped" somewhere at the first week in December from an already small and tapered dose.
It is JAN 8th, 2016 It has been a month of drastic tapering and "jumping" since the beginning Of DECEMBER. So ONE month. Even, as a few days ago I still felt like dying.
I found this board on JAN 4, when I was still in the "thick" of it, but toward the end of that period, I hope. I am still not "well" even after several weeks.
The Dosing and Dates are very close, but from very recent memory, so may be off, but only by a few days at worst.
I could not keep any journal when withdrawals were at their worst, remembering my name was hard for periods of days. Still is sometimes.
In the last stages of waves I hope. Today is better than yesterday, Yesterday was better than the day before.
Before that, I would feel bad, but then even after several days, I would feel as bad as my worst day, during certain "waves".
DO NOT USE THIS INFO FOR ANYTHING-Just a sort of journal for me to remember how fucking awful and poisonous ZUB is.
Last edited by phookihurt on Fri Jan 08, 2016 6:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Fri Jan 08, 2016 6:18 am

Last night was "AWESOME", comparatively. I worked a full day of work. Had to call in late cause the morning felt like death. Anyway, LAST NIGHT I felt exhausted at 9pm. I slept from 9pm until 4:44am, dark, long, and wonderful. FUCK YEAH FOR LITTLE VICTORIES.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Fri Jan 08, 2016 6:45 am

I still do not feel great. My vision is still fucked, or perhaps my perception is still skewed a bit. I am taking an extra change of socks and a t-shirt with me to work because I am still sweating through them and it is UNCOMFORTABLE. Changing shirts and socks brings a certain level of COMFORT, and I truly believe any COMFORT you can find during this period can make all the difference in the world. I still feel nauseous, but the VITAMINS, SUPPLEMENTS, WATER, LIQUIDS, SLEEP and the best FOOD I can manage, are also making a HUGE DIFFERENCE.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Fri Jan 08, 2016 6:49 am

One CRUCIAL thing was finding this board to confirm that other people were/are going through the same shit I am FOR SO LONG. It confirmed that I was not completely bat shit crazy, maybe only bat shit crazy.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Fri Jan 08, 2016 8:54 am

I am and will get through "this". The part that scares me the most is this: viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3125
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Fri Jan 08, 2016 9:51 am

Just Breath.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby subster58 » Fri Jan 08, 2016 11:08 am

Phookie, you being able to work during this wicked detox is a fucking miracle. Sub is bad enough on it's own. You add all the other meds, which are major you're a ROCK STAR dude. Give yourself a LOT of credit for all you're going through, moving forward and not giving in or up. You're a tough guy and kicking ass.
Love ya
Tia
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Fri Jan 08, 2016 2:28 pm

Today is my day Ted. It started at around 9am, it is 2:25PM, and my wave just ended. It was a shit kicker. I am going to sit back and enjoy the reprieve, for now. GOD DAMN.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby cheeps » Fri Jan 08, 2016 10:33 pm

Phoots...I like your resolve and wicked humor. Hop in the hot shower and light a few candles...dude or chickiedoodle, set up a relaxing room.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Sat Jan 09, 2016 10:36 am

Don't feel like writing now, but I guess I have to so I don't forget. If I don't stay "vigilant" , I will probably not get through. Call him whatever. I think of "it", AS A HER, BECAUSE "SHE", reminds me of my ex-wife...an unforgiving CUNT.
I am of course talking about Freddie, as some of you call HER/HIM. I have come to rely on the reprieve I get with each passing wave. BUT, I, HE/SHE, IT, has been telling me in the background, that if we just get through this, "we" can make it better, when "we", feel better. I think "we", have been thinking when "we" feel better, maybe "we" can feel even better, by having a "little", of something, to feel even better, when we are feeling "better". FUCK THAT, and FUCK FREDDIE. CUNT. I had a really bad day, yesterday. Sweated through four t-shirts and three pairs of socks at work, and the Anxiety was a MOTHERFUCKER for about six hours. One thing I know. I will never feel good enough, to put that poison shit in my body again. As much as I want opiates and just one (LOL), huge, crushed opana would be fucking excellent, it is not an option, because it would lead back to what brought me to this shit hole! HA!
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby subster58 » Sat Jan 09, 2016 11:24 am

Phookie, I know how you feel. Freddie the Fucker is a fucker, but out of respect of us girls please don't use the "C" word. I find it disrespectful. I cuss like a sailor, put when you have been called that after being thrown across the room into a wall, or beaten, raped, molested shot, you have no idea what it does to a female.
Thank you in advance for your consideration, there are 1,000 other names you could use, Use those. OK?
Peace,
Tia
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Sat Jan 09, 2016 12:44 pm

Hi Tia,
Words hurt.
Sorry.
Women can hurt Men just as bad. My Ex did. Does not negate anything, anyone, has done to you while uttering that word. Out of respect to YOU, I won't use it again...out of respect to women. Know there are Men, or Humans in general that would never hurt you like that, just the oppisite. Thanks for being here for me, when you don't know me, and certainly don't owe me shit. You have helped me more than you will ever know.
It is a powerful word. Short. Dark. Extremely harsh and negative. It was not directed at a specific gender, or you, but at a "thing". A shit, useless, dark, baseless, and sinister "thing". The reason we are all here.
Sorry again, for using a word that brings you back so many painful, hurtful memories....that, I can never imagine.
Sorry, for trying to justify using such a word too. But, in the moment, I could not think of a more powerful word (maybe because of my lack of command over the English language). To describe the hold, this particular substance, still very much, has over..on me. Can't take it back.
For better, or worse, it helped me get through a moment. Sorry.
I would refer to my ex, as a cum drunk gutter slut, who has swallowed so many sperm, she has gone fucking cum crazy....but that is a little long, and certainly not the point.
The point is, that word hurts you for so many reasons. Although, I don't know you, I would not do that to you. You are one of the only ones here, actively cheering me on, and don't even know me. That is more than fucking EPIC. Helps me more, when I need it most, and I am eternally grateful, YOU, are here.
I APOLOGIZE for using a word that hurts you, and I am sure, others. Know, it wasn't directed at you, from me. It was at a "thing". Accept my apology, please.
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