My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

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My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Mon Jan 04, 2016 3:21 pm

My fingers hurt so fucking bad I want to die. Maybe if I tell myself, that is all that hurts, I can ignore the fact that my guts hurt so bad that I feel like they are going to split open and my intestines are going to spill out on the floor. Fuck me, and fuck the DR. that kept my on that poison for so long. I have had two slivers of subs, in the past two weeks, maybe longer. The only reason I know the year, is because everyone just finished celebrating it, while I lay here in a crumpled fucking mess. I am new. Spent the last decade taking as many pain meds I could get from The doctor, which was a good amount, and any extra that had the same effects as them. Have been on subs for a year. The doc, was a fucking tool box, who knew everything, because he is a former addict himself. Thing is, he knew what was right for him, not me. Pretty sure he had his lot of 100 druggies to fill his coffers trying to stay on the shit poison, he was peddling, so that WE could stay away from the certain pain I am now in. Physical, and Mental, and not to end anytime soon. Well anyway. Wish I could keep typing, but I have had enough to keep me preoccupied for the moment. I am bored. My soul hurts. My body hurts. I am getting better. If not for me, at least for the little girl who depends on me. Anyway, hello, and goodbye. Hopefully I will be back. Subsolve are truly the devil's turds. :sick: :deadhorse:
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby cheeps » Mon Jan 04, 2016 5:12 pm

Phook...I hope you come back too. Do this for yourself as well as your daughter. Hang in there girlie...hopefully you can get thru this nd never look back.
10 yrs on methadone
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Mon Jan 04, 2016 9:26 pm

Hi Cheeps. Still feel like I wanna die. If people didn't tell me the withdrawals from this shit last so long I would never believe it. I have been going through this shit since the middle of December from a taper, and can't believe it. Probably didn't help that I quit benzos,antidepressants, and some other shit, cold turkey, at the same time. If the doctor would have told me the WD"S lasted this long, I would have punched him in the face for suggesting I ever take it. Can't change it now, and I've come too fucking far, to give up. I am too fucking old, and hurt too fucking bad to start over. Curious though. What makes you think I am a girlie. Is it my name? I have a daughter that depends on me? Not that it matters, just thought it was funny. I am still a guy, last time I checked. Which was this morning. My sex drive left me forever on the opiates, and the subs especially. Now that they are gone....my happy region is hyper sensitive. What kind of fucked up sense of humor does this shit have. I can orgasm now if a breeze blows in the right direction. It is worse than it was when I was Sixteen. WTF!!! Sorry if I am giving out too much info, but I think it helps to type. Maybe I am just happy because it provides some type of reprieve, typing that is, and I honestly don't think I had a coherent thought even a few days ago. This shit is EVIL fucking shit. Bye for now. :gaah:
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby subster58 » Mon Jan 04, 2016 10:09 pm

Phook, welcome to ss. Have you been here before? Why in the world would you stop all those meds at once?? No wonder you feel like death. What mg of subs are you coming off of. A sliver=?? mg. What you are doing is very dangerous stopping all the other meds at once. wow your going to blow a gasket, stroke out have a heart attack, high Blood pressure etc. Can you get back on the anti-depressants at least. subs and benzo's are bad enough coming off. The rest you could do after you got through with sub detox. Just wondering why you are torturing yourself so bad.
Peace
Tia
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Mon Jan 04, 2016 10:48 pm

Tia,
I have never been here before. I never had a problem with drugs..hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Thanks, but no fucking thanks. It has been several weeks since my last doses of other meds. Around December 15th, 2015. I went to the general practitioner to try to get any benzo I could. No luck. Old fat fuck. Showed no mercy. I am kinda glad he did. I still feel like holy hell. But, for the moment, am in down time between the waves...sort of. Worst tummy cramps ever. It's funny, I was looking at everyones jump time and was sorry that I didn't keep track of it better. I did find a paper that I wrote all the meds down when I went to visit the general practitioner.
My Sub "doctor", I really hope he doesn't lose his license...yes I do, just so he can't give out any more of that SHIT drug. I know he really thinks he is helping, but I may have been better off just giving up the hydro and opies straight out. God knows, opies were fucking a blast to snort. Weren't they? Anyway, As of Dec 15 I finished Gabapatin, Limictil, Duluxotine, Clonazepam, Carbamethol?(spelling), and Zubsolv. All of which my Sub "doctor" had mixed, to provide a nice little cocktail, which suited me....the fuck it did. I would rather be a crazy asshole, than be on all that fucking poison.
Sliver= smallest amount I could break off the lowest dose of Zubsolv. Ummm, anyway if it was a week ago, or two, I would probably have gladly gone back on Antidepressants, but not right now. It has been too long, and hurt too bad to go back now. Anyway, I am getting lost in my thoughts and not making too much sense. I have to think I will make it. I have a wee one that I have to be there for. It sucks giant donkey cocks, but I would rather be terrible at quitting, than be good at using. I can say one thing that helped me so far,was weed, and Immodium (terrible tasting, unnatural colored shit). I haven't smoked weed in twenty five years, but it has absolutely helped for the first several weeks. I have not had it in several days though. Not sure why. I can get a pound right now if I want, but it makes me a bit foggy too. I will not knock it though. It has helped and couldn't have gotten this far with out it. Finding this board, I hope, is a Godsend. Knowing other people have made it, gives me hope. I know I will always like being high on pills, i just have to have faith that being off of pills is better for me and my little ones life. I also had to quit drinking when I went on subs over a year ago. I can't change anything now, but I will always wonder if giving up pills, for tons of weed, until I got "through it", would have been easier than giving up the Sub shit. The withdrawals couldn't have possibly lasted longer. Getting tired now, which is a good thing, since I think I slept an hour last night. TTYL.
Last edited by phookihurt on Mon Jan 04, 2016 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby cheeps » Mon Jan 04, 2016 10:50 pm

Phookie...sure I assumed you were a chickiedoodle...must be nice to have a young daughter. I have a stepdaughter but she wasn't ever my real daughter until she grew up and claimed me.

Your staff will fly in the still calm, viagra has nothing on detoxing sub....ya just wanna fuck 24/7 and if you can, jump right on it! Sub desensitized yer pecker...you are now cleared for landing or takeoff...whichever gives you the most bang for the buck.

Anyways...welcome to SS!
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Mon Jan 04, 2016 10:56 pm

My daughter has been my medicine for the past month. Well, for the last nine years. Best "drug" I will never quit. She is my everything, and is what will save me.
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an hour went by.

Postby phookihurt » Tue Jan 05, 2016 2:46 am

It's 2:44 am. This sucks. Just had one of the worst waves ever. Mild hallucinations? Is there such a thing. Just stared at this screen for an hour...maybe I was reading. I fucking feel horrible.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby cheeps » Tue Jan 05, 2016 9:35 am

Phooks...I merged your topic because it helps us keep up with you better. What day did you jump and what doses of the shit did you jump off of? I think you said that you and Patti jumped about the same time.

This early in the jump you will find it really hard to sleep. Using benzos, muscles relaxers, BP lowering drugs is a good idea...you jumped from several types of meds, each with there own set of w/ds....can you add something back besides the sub. Do you have any clonidine, flexiril, or benzo you can use as a comfort med?
10 yrs on methadone
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Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Tue Jan 05, 2016 10:59 am

Hi Cheeps: Doses. I'll do the best I can. Threw several out of the car when driving. I can't concentrate. The only thing I would take right now is a Benzo Which I was on four Milligrams, seven years ago and tapered down to one, as of this year, so I am very leary to start that nasty shit again. I did have less than .25 today though. Probably .10, first time in a week, or two. Last night I thought I was in hell, and this morning needed something, or I would surely have "blown a gasket". Let me list this shit again with milligrams this time Some are probably off because I couldn't look at the bottles any longer.
Gabapatin 800 mg 3 times a day
Limictil 10 mg 3 times a day?
Duluxotine can't remember
Clonazepam, .5 three times a day
Carbamethol?(spelling), this one may have been 10mg three times a day, or the above mentioned,can't remember.
Zubsolv Around 8mg for one year,
1.4mgbup/.36nal three times a day at the end. Doc had me on the stronger ones 3 times a day until last month
I weened down to slivers of the Sub, I WILL NOT TAKE ANOTHER SLIVER OF THIS SHIT.
I am sure the only thing making me feel like hell is the lack of Benzo, and definitely the Sub.
All the other meds can get fucked too. I will die before I go back on any of this shit, and feel like i am going to.
The only one I would consider is the lowest beneficial does of the clonies. If I want that though, i will have to get it outside of the doctor, because the General Practitioner will not give it to me. Maybe I can find another Doc who would take pity on me. I started my taper on around the beginning of December 2015. I stopped around the 15th. Took a sliver a week later, and had my last sliver about 5 days ago. Really don't wan't to try to figure out the doses more than that, because thinking about it, certainly hurts, more than helps.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby Patti13_07 » Tue Jan 05, 2016 12:27 pm

Hi phooks....sounds like you're on a rough road. Sorry dude. Genuinely sorry. It does get better. A little cliche but time heals all wounds. My best advice, or at least what has made the biggest difference for me, is acceptance. Once I accepted the process for what it really is it made dealing with the symptoms easier. Sounds a little dumb, sure, but it made me quit fighting things. Just have to grin and bear and ride the wave. Keep trucking and one day you'll look at the clock and think, "fuck me. It's been x long since I've thought about withdrawal." It sucks ass. It really does but this too shall pass.

Do you have anyone in your day to day life who knows what you're going through? My wife and parents have been instrumental in helping me stay the course. There's no way I could manage this without support and it's nice to be held accountable. There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of so don't waste your time. You should be stepping out of the fog soon. Keep it up. It's hard as fucking shit but you're doing it. Be proud of yourself.

Patti
Methamphetamines 1997-2000
Cocaine 2001-2002
Opiates 2003-present

Working on becoming a FORMER professional drug addict

Still smoke pot
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Tue Jan 05, 2016 2:26 pm

Just slept hard for two hours. Should have waited till tonight, but i will take it after last night. Rough. ANXIETY SUCKS.
Ever wondered what "hope Floats" means? I did. Now I don't. I fucking hate cliches too. Anyway. This is what it means to me. I have to surrender to the fact that I am feeling like total Hammered shit, and all I can do is "float", and Hope that I get better, even when it feels like it is never going to end, ever. That is where the floating part comes in. I have to sit there and float, while getting hammered withe pain and doubt, and hope it goes away...kinda like faith....I hope.
Sounds pretty fucking lame. Is pretty fucking lame. I can only have faith. I've accepted. Just wish it didn't take so long.
Told my Mom. Told some people at work. Took some time off. Not enough I think. Kinda hard to explain to someone just HOW long this takes. Fuck. I wonder if I am strong enough sometimes. Last night, If someone wanted to kill me...I probably would have let them, as long as they promised my daughter would be ok.Wished my mother wasn't 300 miles away, or I would probably fall in her arms and cry like hell. Going to shower again, and go pick the wee one up, the closest thing I have to people around, that I am willing to admit how incredibly lousy I still feel are anyone who reads my posts. It helps, and I am grateful someone is here, whom is going through the biggest mindfuck of my life, is also going through the same thing. Starting to not make sense. Be back when I have to...which will probably be soon'
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Tue Jan 05, 2016 8:45 pm

Going to a acupuncturist tomorrow. Not looking forward to getting in the car and driving twenty minutes. I will try anything at this point. Can not hurt.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby subster58 » Tue Jan 05, 2016 9:05 pm

Pookie, Jeez that's a shit ton of meds. Don't go back on the suboxone ever. I'm surprised you can type anything with all that shit in your system. never snorted oxy's or used needle, so I don't know how that feels. If I were you I'd get some Imodium, over the counter for stomach issues. You can take 3 x the dose on the bottle for a short time and that will help your stomach plus with detox. Pot is better than alcohol anytime for certain people. I never could drink, I'd hurl, so that's why I did drugs. I know you are in hell right now, but you won't feel this bad forever. Subs are an evil poison, but what's done is done. Also if you have anymore neurontin that will help with detox, That's it. Do you have anyway to check your blood pressure. Walgreens, Walmart has the machines in the pharmacy department that you can take for free. It will take sometime for your brain to return to normal, what ever that is. Drink a shit ton of water to get the toxins out
Peace,
Tia
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One Hour at a time
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Wed Jan 06, 2016 7:54 am

Slept last night. 3hrs. Woke up. Snuggled with the wee one. Forgot I was awake, fell back asleep four hours. Woke around 7. Used something called dream water. Like an energy shot for sleeping. I do not sell it, and won't link it, look it up. Seemed to work. Would not use it, or anything as a crutch. Was not super groogy, but light hurt. Moving is a chore.
Just so I know, and if it helps, I know I started tapering before December 15th, only taking slivers of pills to ween. I also was tapering the Benzo. That shit will fuck you up too. After December 15th, I took my last sliver of ZUB. Waited seven days before my next sliver. Waited another seven days or so, before another sliver. I jumped when I was down to about 1/16 of an 8mg strip. I was on that amount for about a week, Before December 15th. ONE THING THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY FOR ME= STAYING AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO HAD THE SHIT I WANTED. INCLUDING THE FUCK HEAD DOCTOR WHO DIDN"T WARN ME HOW LONG WITHDRAWLS ARE ON ZUB OR SUB. I purposely made it a point to skip my doctors appointment so I couldn't go back and get more. I stayed away from my buddy whom I told Sub. was the best thing ever early on, and he agreed. I am sure that if I was on Sub for a way shorter period of time, and not half as much, it could have worked. BUT, a year was too much for me, and so was 8mg. A much shorter detox and withdrawal would probably have taking place if I wasn't on that shit poison for so long. As it stands, three weeks of intense withdrawals have occurred. I smoked tons of pot for the first couple of weeks. It can help, at least it helped me. I was also out of vacation, so I had to work through a lot of it. :sick: I do know this, first five, to seven days...hell. Second, the reprieve you were begging for, you will get the next 5 to 10 days, this period is the waves. One minute you feel...ok...the next, you will feel like you did the first 5-7 days, then you will feel ok, then like shit again...and so on. Like a wave. As time goes by the waves seem to get further apart....this is where I am now. I WILL NOT GO BACK.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Wed Jan 06, 2016 11:09 am

The last two hours have been really fucking bad, but like a wave, I think it is dissipating. SHIT. Anxiety. hot/cold extended flashes. Really wanting to be put out of my misery. It is passing. UGGGH.
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Wed Jan 06, 2016 11:55 am

going for a walk, still feeling fucked a bit
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby cheeps » Wed Jan 06, 2016 7:05 pm

Take a hot hot bath or shower when all else fails. If you still have the gabapentin...you should use it as a comfort med. shitcanning it causes some bad depression...it has to be tapered....it's really good for detox.

You shouldn't have to suffer but so much. What have you got left?
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back surgery 5/12/14
Knee surgery 9/19/14
Oxy free 12/06/14
2017 taper in progress
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby subster58 » Wed Jan 06, 2016 7:50 pm

Hi Pookie, never go back. Your taper plan worked for you and I'm glad it did. You got rid of the Doc and your friend respected you enough to stay away so you needed to do what worked for you. MD's suck bad and could care less. Awesome dude. I know you've been through the ringer as subs are evil soul sucking poison. The main thing is you are doing it no matter how you feel. You are fighting your way back so my hats off to you for all the shit you've been through. You won't feel like this forever, and each day you bank is positive.
You're kicking subs ass . Keep fighting, never give up
Love ya
Tia :kiss:
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Re: My fingers hurt so fucking bad, I want to die.

Postby phookihurt » Wed Jan 06, 2016 8:45 pm

Hi Cheeps, I've got nothing left. Through it in the garbage, or out the window.
Today I went to Acupuncture. It gave me relief. Do I feel shitty now. Only sorta. When it was given around 4 hours ago...I honestly walked out of there feeling a deeeeep sense of relief, and calm. I did not go in there thinking it would help much. In fact, I had to lay there for a few minutes after it was done because I could not move...In a good way. Also, when I walked in, I was having anxiety attacks for at least an hour before. It has been four hours and I have stopped sweating through my t-shirt. I brought an extra with me, and when I changed my armpits were soaked. I have stayed comfortably warm...my circulation feels much better, and my hands are warm. Is it in my mind? I don't think so.
I can feel real physical changes. No nausea right now, and no panic or anxiety. I would not believe it, if it was not happening. Acupuncture is 2500 years old. So it has been a fucking great placebo for millions of Chinese and westerners alike, or it really has Strong benefits for some. I am going with the latter. Google it, or check it out here:
http://www.medicinenet.com/acupuncture/page2.htm
Did not pick a specific favorite link, just a random one that sounded somewhat intelligent and not fucking hokie.
Fuck, if it didn't give me relief today. It was a really bad day before I went. Now it is pretty fucking good. I am not doing a victory dance because I know the waves will come around and bite you right in the nuts...or freddie...or what ever you want to call him. Fuck me. At this moment in time...and for the last four hours...I have felt fucking wonderful.
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