Journal of a jump, 1 month and beyond

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Journal of a jump, 1 month and beyond

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:18 am

I'm starting to wonder how the human body can stay awake for this long without just taking a complete nose dive, face first into the hard ground. Is it because maybe, just maybe our bodies just completely forgot how to sleep without this posion running through our cold lifeless veins? Or is it because our brain is so miswired that even the simplest human task is just to hard to accomplish without a little help from the devil. I mean we are talking about sleep! A newborn baby can sleep 20 hours a day and not even he/she has a choice. I only know this because I my son is now 7 months old and only sleeps half that time now. I gave him a kiss yesterday and it felf like the first time feeling an emotional attachment to my son. I thought I knew what love was, I was way off. So anyways, back to this sleep issue I'm debating over and over again as the darkness starts to fade and the rest of the world starts the day. Here I am, locked in by these 4 walls, laying on the floor on a cushion made of sleeping bags only so.my rls doesn't cause massive bruising upon my innecent girlfriend. I'm starting to push all in on the idea my brain is just staying so full of thoughts and so full of urges. This site has been a life supposrt these last 4 days. I've know about it for a year now and always tell people.to check it out, to get the real story from real people just trying to help. My name is DAN, and I am an addict on the way to a sober life. Checking in 4 hours shy of 100 hours. Chills all over, stomach churning, heart pounding with anxienty, zero motivation and an all over feeling of just plain shitty. Thanks for listening.
Last edited by mynameisDAN82 on Tue Nov 20, 2012 9:30 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby emily » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:35 am

Congrats on the birth of your son & congrats on making the smart choice to get off this crap! have you tried OTC stuff like melatonin or valerian? Maybe get a script for trazadone or clondidine (bp medicine) to help you sleep? I am sure others will be on soon to offer help.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 1:59 pm

Thank you. he is to important to forget. He needs to know his real dad, not the "on a drug maintenance program " me. Good news, I somehow missed a hole day. The clock is actualy 125 hours. Wow its Thursday. As for sleeping, I'm getting sick of the valerian root burps. And ambien isn't even making me tired. Shouldn't I atleast have the benifit of "tripping" by now? Throw me a bone here. Is have some gabapentin to help the rls but I'm starting to think its just feeding the monster. If I could just sit still for 5 mins.. I m a 3 year suboxone patient. I've tried quiting before. The fisrt time was about 6 months in, I was so uninformed of what I was taking I thought I was dying at the time. I shoulda knew something wasn't right at that point. It didn't matter though, cuZ I accepted the fact I was sober, normal, human. Mainenance. Your hole life. Ur on a normal maintenance mg. These words keep echoing. This time is different though. I have a son. And the most important differance is the supposrt from my girlfrind. Not trying to hide a sickness that puts your hole life on hold. I can't thank her enough. She's the only one who remembers who I am or was. And she believes in me after everything is a miricale on its own.
DAN 125 hours since last taste. On the winding road to a sober life. Chills and sneezing increasing, vision blurry but at times clearer than normal, weird. Talked about raking leaves, laughed then layed down. Thanks for listening.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby LilyAnn » Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:24 pm

Hang in there, Dan. People around here suggest Immodium to help with symptoms. From what I understand, it acts like a non-addictive opiate. But use 2 or 3 times more than it prescribes. You'll get a lot of advice on here soon. I can feel your pain through your posts. Hang in there.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby Zippy » Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:36 pm

Dan,

I know you are aboslutely miserable. :sick: I think it is great that you are shareing your misery. :thumbup: I want to know what I am in for. So don't worry that you are whining or compaining. You are telling it like it is. Thank You!

Raking leaves is FUNNY!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers,
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby LilyAnn » Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:46 pm

Yeah, Dan, when I read you thought of raking leaves, I actually laughed out loud. :lol: At least you still have humor at a time like this.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:11 pm

Thanks everyone for listening to the ramblings of a broken body/mind. Haha we will see who's laughing when thse leaves are bagged and tied down by the end of the day tomorrow. Or maybe saterday, but for sure by next saterday. I've read a lot a immodium, used to be classed a pain med along with zaneys and darvesets. And yes eating those too. So somewhere inbetween reality and fubr is our broken down soul. Its so broken down it can't even get a glass of water without thinking about it for an hour. But it get gotten and dranken so I.know my soul is not dead, just broken.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 3:22 pm

Zippy what's your plan on jumping of the devils playtoy? Me myself don't have the self contol to taper. All or none for me, that's how its always been lol. I jumped this one at around 8mgs a day. Not highly recomended I know but I've felt just as bad as when I was taking 2mgs and jumped. Ratch has a lot of good posts during his climb down to earth.
DAN no changes still an over pushing heart. I can hear the years ticking off.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:40 pm

Donnie Darko is such a great movie. This dizzeness seems to be getting worse, try standing in one spot is a chore. For once its from being sober instead of so fucked up I can't stand on my own. Own personal record at 128 hours clean. About to flush last safety dose down with fish. I found it easier knowing I had one other than dealing with the pure panic of not. I have not had that bad of an urge just yet. Wish this axiety would fade a bit. I hope the tigers win.
DAN checking in for fun and to help cope. All I can do is hate the choice not the man. I don't hate myself for what I've chosen to do. The choice was made, now I'm 30. Never said its the right choice though. Thanks everyone again.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby Zippy » Thu Oct 25, 2012 4:56 pm

mynameisDAN82 wrote:Zippy what's your plan on jumping of the devils playtoy? Me myself don't have the self contol to taper. All or none for me, that's how its always been lol. I jumped this one at around 8mgs a day. Not highly recomended I know but I've felt just as bad as when I was taking 2mgs and jumped. Ratch has a lot of good posts during his climb down to earth.
DAN no changes still an over pushing heart. I can hear the years ticking off.


I was in a big hurry to get off the shit so I zipped down from 24mg to 8 in a couple of weeks. My body said whoa. No wd like cold sweats or the shit you are going thru. My intestines decided to reward my constpated self with a smooooooth ride. OMG I was home bound on three different days. I had to get an RX opiate lope type medication to stop the madness. So I have been waiting for my body to adjust. Then I will follow the plan that Ratch has posted. I use to split my dose. I am thinking December for my jump. Perhaps when LilyAnn jumps. If we get snow I will have to work mandatory OT so it will all depend on mother nature. I will have to taper because I will probably have to work. I will get my doctor involed in the process when it gets closer, I will expect lots of comfort meds. For now he does not have a clue what my plan is. I am foturnate I have ins that covers the doc and the med. If you can call being given an RX for poison fortunate.

Just keep it up, put away the days. Hire a neighbor kid to rake the leaves.
Cheers,
Zippy

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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby LilyAnn » Thu Oct 25, 2012 6:56 pm

Donnie Darko is an awesome movie, Dan. I like you already. :) Me and Zippy here are both tapering so it always helps to hear experiences like yours. And also scares the sh*t out of me. Did I read that you jumped at 8mg? Wow... that takes some guts. Good for you. Having a new baby is a great motivator. Congrats on becoming a dad.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 7:36 pm

that realy takes a lot of self control in part, good for you and keep it up. it really isn't as bad as it has been in the past dropping from a lower dose. I tried at 16mgs cold, worst idea ever because I had no clue. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have a solid idea of what to expect this time around and a good support system in full gear. Family is coming over to watch my son in shifts when my girlfriend is at work. I feel pathetic but I'm glad I have the support. I had my habbit hidden for a long time, tried several times to drop the sub. I even convined myself taking adderal to get moving while detoxing. Lol what a joke that was haha. Stupid addict mind at its best. My boss thinks I have a flu bug. Which I never take time off anyways so I'm calling it a short extended vacation. Some way to spend earned time off. Well my point is I'm banking on this support system thing, this is new. And so far a lot easier. Though not comfortable in my own skin, prolly not sleeping tonight but I am on the road to recovery and going to learn to live a sober productive life.

DAN
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby nootlsjr » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:14 pm

d82, thats me too.

dude, what helped me get through the worst was a fantasy of what a normal dmbas good time is. i did it for the beer and the bitchs. beer for me the bitchs for my dog.lol. he likes when im clean and not wding. anyway, you can and will be one strong cool dude, but it takes time for the obscesioon to pass and for your energy to stabilize.

after the initial 2 weeks. time wont be so drawn out, or should i say your mind will slow down to stabilize your perception of time. hang in there, and you will eventually sleep, but till then shoot for the record of sleepless nights. i almost put my bed in storage, but then i started sleeping again. when you least exspect it. just know that one of these days things will be better. the only way through it is forward.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:31 pm

Lol I like that way of thinking. I have been kinda bragging about being awake for so long lol. I think I will try to stay awake instead of fighting it. I like the approach, thanks. Checking in at 132 hours, little to no sleep, pissing every 20 mins, this anxiety aaahhh but I will stay strong. Thanks all!
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:42 pm

Zippy, I don't know how I would cope at work. I mean I tried, I really did. Monday for a hole 3 hours lol.good luck when u do jump, making that drop musta been rough. That's a high dose, good smarts on ur end. Fight the urge with a laugh from your son or someone you love. Fight the urge playing nhl2k9 all night. Fight the urge because you are still here to do so. Fight the urge for the ones who believe in you. But mainly just fight for yourself knowing u will soon see life for what it is. Keep strong all.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby Poncho » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:57 pm

Dan, you're doing great man. It will get a little better every week. You'll still have some bad days but slowly there will be more good then bad. Just think of your son when things get rough. :thumbup:
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 10:25 pm

Thanks for the encouraging words. I've. Started having harder anxienty highs lasting a longer time. Damn, its like 4 years of bad feelings numbed by a sobor drug fillled living. Jumping out all at once. I'm having a real hard time seeing straight. Posibly lack of sleep, or maybe the ambien, benedryl, nueronton cocktail. I aam going to shoot for the. 10 day no sleep. At what point is one considered insane from sleep loss? But I've gotta atleast pretent to try and sleep.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 11:01 pm

KCheck this out. Went for a drive yesterday in my girls car. Just up to get a few things from 77 - 1. Pull out to a red light. No biggie right? Well a big dude ended up inside the back of my car. Wait my girlsfriends car. He was covered in broken glass and got up aand got outta of car. Turned out a younger female driver reaer ended the biker and crashed into me. Not cool. Figures first day of driving without somekind of opiod. I'm. Not feeling to great right now. Gonna tryto relax lol. Peace.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby cheeps » Thu Oct 25, 2012 11:46 pm

Dan....drink plenty of water to get those toxins out....piss every thirty minutes if you have to....choke down a banana and take the gabapentin cocktail.

I couldn't sleep without thorazine for two days during the kick...then it got better. If you cannot sleep then simply 'rest'...use some sloooow wordless music like sax or piano or guitar...your brain attaches to it but stays calmer than just lying there with racing thoughts.

Take 6 mgs of imodium at least.

Hang in there...you are getting close to over the hump.
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Re: 94 hours, 54 mins, 10secs since last dose

Postby mynameisDAN82 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 11:55 pm

Thanks cheeps I will do that. I know gabapentin can also become physicaly additive when used on a higher scale. I'm at 3 100mg a day. I've just been taking all three at once, whoops. Sleepytime tea seems to help a bit. Also good tip on the music thing. Thanks again eveyone!
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