Really scared and not doing well

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Really scared and not doing well

Postby Tooth&Nail » Thu Jan 18, 2018 8:06 pm

Hey everyone hows it going, for those who maybe remember my few posts from weeks ago Ive been away for awhile and this post is maybe not so much asking for advice maybe as much as just venting and needing the camaraderie of people who understand (none of my family or doctors or anyone shows any understanding and have a "buck up" attitude and its making me feel so hopeless). Im still off the subs thankfully with no backslides on them but unfortunately Im on my 3rd day of relapsing on opiates.

Something is seriously wrong with me and I feel like Im deteriorating daily from this horrible pain in my chest/back/upper stomach that I may fucking die and I have been to the ER ive been to the Gastro doctor and scheduled a scope (they won't get me in for 3 months so if something is very wrong Im just screwed I guess and wouldn't find out in time. Ive had this upper ab/sternum pain for years now and while it would vary in intensity I would always feel it there, I thought I had gallbladder or pancreas issues but after the ER a couple months ago they said I didn't and sent me home treating me like Im a toddler "anxiety can cause the body to do crazy things" totally ignoring the fact that I was shivering with pain and have to shuffle around like an old man in a nursing home at 32 when I was an active person skateboarding miles everyday before all this got so severe.

For the last month or more it went from just ruining my day from discomfort but I could still move around to now I can't even do anything other then lay on my floor flat on my back or slink up onto my chair and sit hunched over, my bed hurts too much same with a couch, something about sinking into cushion just makes my body in those spots feel "icky" and painful for lack of a better term. Im uninsured and all these drs visits have led to nothing and now I have all this huge bills over my head (which I would gladly pay off and feel grateful had they helped me so I could get my life back but they didn't). The pain is making me suicidal, my fear or doing it will keep me from going over the edge but I honestly don't want to live anymore like this, its so bad and gets worse and its one of those things where you have had it for so long just not as severe that you know its not a waiting game, its either permanent or I need medical intervention and the doctors treat me like flippantly and I just wanna have a mental breakdown in their office when I go to a new place and hope and pray for some answers and only get the same "lets get you in and out so I can get to the next patient and make more $$$$$$$$$" type of attitude they have.

Whats hurts almost as much as the pain though is that Im suffering so much and just getting up to move and get something to eat or take a piss hurts so much I could cry and when ive gone long stretches of trying to be brave and not talk about it to my family I finallly eventually break down because of how exhausting it is and my family reacts as if there mad at me for having this pain, they act as if its my choice to feel this way and I wouldn't give anything to feel how they do every fucking day and everything they take for granted like be able to take a full breath, not feel pain everywhere and have all the minor things in life that you enjoy taken from you. I'm gonna stop there because IM sure thats a huge wall of text and who wants to read all that and its negative bitching too so Im apologize for that IM just so upset and scared anyone dealt with this type of thing with family?
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby cheeps » Thu Jan 18, 2018 8:12 pm

T&N....you can sure vent all you want here.....you've kept it inside so long man....it's ok. And yes, fams don't get it, especially if they are somewhat healthy themselves.

what kind of opies are you taking and are they helping?
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby cheeps » Thu Jan 18, 2018 8:24 pm

I went back and checked some of the other things you wrote about your physical nature.

Is it possible you have some actual upper back nerve damage? I'm puzzled.
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby Tooth&Nail » Thu Jan 18, 2018 8:32 pm

I lost all my connects over the years on subs I bought some poppy seeds in bulk and made tea not really expecting much because there have been times where it worked and made me nod even while I was still on 2mgs of subs which boggled my mind but lots of times where it would be completely inactive. It got me a great buzz but unfortunately it didn't do shit for those areas of pain and mainly I just fell into the trap of it helped my mind calm down some and "I fucked up already" so I kept taking it for 2 days after that today being the 3rd day. Im gonna stop after tonight because its not helping the pain and I want my withdrawal to be minimal so gotta cut it out. The most fucked up part is I didn't want to relapse at all, I fought it for so long and was so proud of my close to 5 months I just didn't care anymore and wanted that few hours of feeling more calm. It just really sucks because its not even sub related any of these issues like I had thought all the years, honestly the withdrawal part is gone except some tiredness, my mental state is only so bad because the pain from whatever this is. If I woke up without this pain I would literally be able to go out and do anything I want in terms of mental, I have the mental motivation to want my life back and to put in the work but Ive been tethered to this bedroom for so long waiting this out watching the same boring tv not being able to work or have any recreation which is 100x harder when you are used to using drugs and you can't combat that idle time with a good work out. The gastro doctor told me I should go to a pysch doctor and have them continue me on 2mgs of ativan a day like I was years ago because he saw how horrible I was doing and clammy and nervous but like I told him when they see my history drs put the Rx pad away. Its fucked up how if you have a drug problem that somehow gives them an excuse to let you suffer in cruelty, because well you know your a junky scum who can't be trusted in their eyes. I don't even want to take any drugs daily anymore, I wish I could scream in their faces "I DONT WANT FUCKING OPIATES FROM YOU YOU NON COMPASSIONATE FUCKWIT I WANT TO GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM AND TRY TO FIX IT SO STOP DISMISSING ME OUT THE DOOR BECAUSE YOU THINK IM JUNKY LOSER".

After I posted this I saw your post about upper nerve damage in my back and I realized I forgot to add the part about the back pain too which goes straight through to my sternum and yeah I do think thats exactly what it is and what makes me so upset is that pain in the back was always way more minor compared to the sternum but then I went to this chiropractor out of desperation to try anything to help and while it felt like I was loosened up for a day or two after the appt it seems to have gotten so much worse since, this guy didn't take x rays or anything and all these thoughts of this guy may have ruined my back are making me want to curl up in the fetal position just out of regret, I wasn't gonna go because I don't trust that type of thing but I did against my better judgement and now Im just at a loss.
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby cheeps » Thu Jan 18, 2018 8:38 pm

I wish like hell there was some way I could help you figure this out. Your fams suck right....who was it in particular is giving you a hard time? Shit....let them trade places with you...thats bullshit.

you have every right in the world to be scared. and you arent a fucking loser...those docs suck.

subverted diet doc is furious too. if you feel up to it go read his belbuca thread and his my taper plan thread....
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby cheeps » Thu Jan 18, 2018 8:41 pm

oh, I get that feeling...I just went to a chiro guy....it helped my neck....a shit ton....but my lower back pain has moved from one side to the other...same vertabre...

?I dont think hes messed it up....but why no Xray? money?
10 yrs on methadone
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby cheeps » Thu Jan 18, 2018 9:52 pm

I was thinking about the way my family deals with my physical issues. My moms spine is worse than mine. Her pain threshold is sky high...it makes me sound awful. But shes really good at denial and shes really really good at dismissal. makes me grumpy as fuck.
10 yrs on methadone
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby Tooth&Nail » Thu Jan 18, 2018 10:44 pm

cheeps wrote:I wish like hell there was some way I could help you figure this out. Your fams suck right....who was it in particular is giving you a hard time? Shit....let them trade places with you...thats bullshit.

you have every right in the world to be scared. and you arent a fucking loser...those docs suck.

subverted diet doc is furious too. if you feel up to it go read his belbuca thread and his my taper plan thread....

Hey just appreciate you taking the time to talk to me that helps me more than you might think. The hard thing about my family is they don't suck in the traditional sense in that they don't want to try to help and they hate seeing me go through this but the aspect in which they do suck is that because Im an addict they always treat me with this cry wolf mentality and its just so frustrating and hurtful. You ever get that around people who know you have problems and you can tell them a fact straight to their face during a conversation and they won't believe it until another person pipes in and says "no he's right thats true". LIke 2+2 does not equal 4 if I say it does type of shit.

The other day an argument started because I was having a terrible fit of it flaring up and I was almost in tears and I said "Ive tried everything and nothing works Ive tried this and that and the other and then I said I tried doing hot and cold compresses" and instead of my mom just listening she says "I didnt' see you do that" in that type of tone implying you are making it up and I said I had been doing it again for the past 4 days and she fucking mentions again how she hadn't seen it and IM just like "why are you nitpicking me and implying I'm a liar over something so stupid when Im in so much pain" and then a few minutes later my dad walked in and he said "he was doing that the last couple days" and then its like oh ok now I believe it its just such a fucking slap in the face.

I have literally never lied about anything in my life on regular basis to my family about anything except my drug use and thats just self preservation that anyone with a problem in life does to protect themselves, it doesn't mean that every other aspect of your life you are now an untrustworthy liar and they have pretty much given me that complex every time we are all together. Your right about the switching places part too, it would be so much fucking easier in life to get treated for your illness or pain and get some compassion if you could abra da dabra your pain into their body for a day so they could feel what you go through, they'd probably climb the walls and breakdown in tears of guilt over doubting you and saying don't think about it and stop working yourself and stupid comments like that.

Oh and the reason for no X ray was this old guy didn't do them and even though I was scared of going my father was going as well and he was fine afterwards, I didn't know at the time that my problem was most likely stemming from my back causing my sternum stomach pain I was thinking it was gastro like the ER said so I wasn't worried at the time about aggravating an existing injury. I may have gastro problems from years on subs but I now know most if not maybe all my daily bad pain is from some kind of pinched nerve or back out of whack.
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Fri Jan 19, 2018 2:11 am

Unbelievable. You poor man. There’s suffering and then there’s really suffering. You’re really suffering. One thing is 100%, and it may sound simplistic but there’s a reason to say it, you’re sick. Very sick. Really sick. That’s important becasue I knkw how doctors think. We have this mental wall with rows and rows of small holes, like a post office letter rack. Each rack is a known disease. If you have enough indicators from the things that make up a diagnosis, subjective symptoms (what you say) objective findings (what we see, like swelling around your sternum or liver) and then lab work and other clinical findings like other tests, and when enough of all these point into the one direction you’re put into one of the holes. One hole could be pancreatitis, one hole could be gastric ulcer disease, etc etc. you get it. But what if you don’t neatly fit into one of these holes? Then is a somataform disorder. That means even if the pain is real there’s no real organic disease, it’s coming from and created by your mind. The word is idiopathic, which means doctors have no idea what’s wrong with you. In this case, even if they don’t say it, they basically stop looking and blame you. The old term is psychosomatic. And if you have a history of drug use that ups the likelihood this is untreatable medically and is of psychiatric origin. I don’t beleive this is your case for a second. You’re 31, you just worked your ass off to beat suboxone and opiates and move on. You want the next chapter in your life, not to create illness.

When I was 28 I lost 6 months of school. I got sick. Right under my sternum I got terrible pain and I kept getting headaches when ever I ate. I had every test and finally they admitted me to the psych ward, I was labeled with somatic disorder...it’s all in my mind. While I was in the psyche ward a very cool gastrointestinal specialist took an interest in my case and set me up for an endoscope. Meanwhile I was doing the Thorazine shuffle becasue I was “doing this to myself” and it was the pressure of “doctor school”. Anyway, they did the scope and the enterologist found 11 duodenal and gastric ulcers (which was weird becasue I passed all the physical exams to rule out ulcers). The hospital moved me THAT DAY from the psyche ward to a medical ward and 15 different people apologized to me. I got IV Tagamet and 2 weeks later all my illness and symptoms were gone. If you don’t fit into a little box of all the right exam findings and lab work that lines up with a known disease then you get shuffled around going from doctor to doctor hoping to find the one that figures
It all out. This is hell on earth.

Because I got headaches whenever I ate I had what’s known as an esoteric finding, but because of this my family labeled me as crazy. They told me to grow up. They hurt me more than helped me. This hurt worse than anything, not to be believed by your family. Nothing’s worse. They should be saying things like, “we’ll all be there for you, no matter what it takes we’ll help you get to the bottom of this and get this handled and cured, you’re not alone, you have family so those doctors have to deal with all of us”. But instead you’re looked upon as malingering. Don’t hate them, they know nothing and can’t feel your suffering and are probably to self-absorbed to give their all to anyone else.

So what can you do now? Firstly, if you want to get scoped right away go to the ER and tell them you’ve been vomiimg blood, not like a little red in some vomit, but a huge amount of pure red blood and almost fainted. They’ll scope you within the hour. Another thing you can do it take a good hard look at your lifestyle. You may think you’re living OK but the truth is your toxic, I don’t know. But this means things like zero drugs, no NSAIDs, no cold medicines etc, no Soda and expecially no alcohol of any kind, no weed, or nicotine of any kind, no cigarettes, vaping, chewing etc. Zero fried foods, nothing breaded and fried. At least 1/2 of all your food should be produce. A complete and total lifestyle evaluation and improve any area you can. This alone could cure you by allowing your body the vitality to repair itself. It is possible that you will never know why this is happening, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happeneing and that it it isn’t real from a disrase standpoint. It just means that you’ll have to rebuild your health, not buy it back. Or you could have gall bladder stones which is an easy thing to treat and cure but can cause every symptom you have and all the life style improvement in the world won’t fix it. But whatever it is, living the healthiest lifestyle can and will only help you.

I promise you this, it might not seem it now, but one day I swear to you this will all be a phase, a very nasty horrible phase that you’ll never forget passing though. It is VERY VERY VERY unlikely you have pancreatic cancer. It’s much more likely you’re sick becasue you’re not well, but could become well. Here’s a tip, drink only water. No soda, no beer, no fruit juice (which is shit) ONLY water. And eat a huge salad everyday. Build your health back up. Even if you have an organic disease you’ve made yourself a lot healthier to deal with it medically. Doctors can’t help you unless you fit into one of their boxes...and if you did fit, you’d probably know by now.
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby Tooth&Nail » Fri Jan 19, 2018 3:46 am

Thank you for the reply ^^^^ Glad you guys are here to talk to. Whats worrying me is like you said about the whole lifestyle change is that I actually had been doing that for since november 1st when I went to the ER and they told me it could be ulcers and they gave me paperwork with what I can and can't eat and sent me home with an RX for pepcid and I took the acid blockers as they said and drank lots and lots of water and tea and zero caffeine or pop and like you said absolutely no alcohol. I would eat bananas and applesauce eggs, toast and then sometimes have smoothies I make with spinach, bananas, carrots, tomatoes strawberries and I never strayed away from that for the first full month and I never got any improvement.

I don't smoke cigs but I have smoked weed sparingly now and again but not daily but IM gonna cut that out because it makes all my pains worse and makes my anxiety go through the roof its just not worth it for the little bit of appetite and helping with sleep. Other than the weed I was completely drug free up until 3 days ago when I broke down and just wanted some relief and of course regret it now. Whats so frustrating is how you said the analogy about fitting into the little holes on a peg board with their diseases like that thats exactly whats happening, these pains are very hard to describe because before I had them I would never understand someone trying to verbalize them to me either. I try to get into detail about how they hurt and the intensity and I just get cut off with them asking the next question before Ive even gotten out the answer to the previous one.

I just wish they would try and listen and understand this is serious and that I can't even function and earn a living IM just stuck at home at my parents house when Im way to old to be there and was so excited 5 months ago when I started to quit the subs, it was hellish and very very hard but I cold turkeyed 7 years on subs and my only motivation was "when january 1st comes around you will be over this and your terrible pains will go away with quitting and 2018 will be the first year of the rest of your new life" and its just so horrible to have put subs in the rear view mirror only to be leftover with all the pains which aren't sub withdrawal related or side effect related like I thought when I was still on them. Oh and at the ER they did rule out pancreatitis and gallbladder as the cause but its so similar to those symptoms do you think theres anyway they could have messed that up and I do have that or is something like that very reliable and its cut and dry based on results? Sent me a fucking 9000$ in the mail after doing nothing but take a lousy x ray of my chest and giving me an ultrasound, I just don't understand how people in charge of shit like this can sleep at night. I didn't even go to the hospital myself I went to the affordable immediate care type place for the fact I can't afford it and my EKG was "really concerning" and my blood pressure was very high and they pretty much tell me I need to get over there now and they will call me an ambulance and I just got a ride myself because it was 5 minutes away and then when I get there and tell the lady who was pretty blunt and no bedside manner at the window at the ER she just tells me to wait

I waited nearly 3 hours and then they made me lay in a fucking bed for another 3-4 doing nothing just to rape me on money with no results. I'll tell ya what though even if Im convinced Im about to die I will never go to another ER again in my life after that. Again sorry for all the moaning and thank you and cheeps for lending an ear, I don't have any friends in my life for like a decade now so its nice to talk to someone.
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby Subverted DietDoc » Fri Jan 19, 2018 6:58 am

One reason I want to get off suboxone is becasue it’s hurt me socially. I don’t have friends anymore I just have people I know. But no one that really cares about me. And I’m 57 so both my parents are dead and my brother is a sociopath and no one can stand him. I’m just saying I feel your pain.

Immediate Care centers are the lowest tier of medical care there is. Most of the time you’re seen by a PA or NP but not an MD or DO (you should know what they are). It’s bottom of the barrel care. There able to decide if you need to go to a hospital and if not perform first aid.

If you have any income you may qualify for a very high health insurance subsidy. If you have no income you automatically qualify for Medicade, it’s not great insurance but you can see doctors, get tests including MRIs etc at zero cost to you, there’s no copay and you can apply in line and have it in a day. You probably know all this though. But I’d get in case you need to be hospitalized or surgery, etc. At least you’ll have coverage. If you go to your states health exchange web site there’s a chart that shows how much a single person has to earn minimum to qualify for a subsidy. This is MUCH better than Medicade becasue it’s regular insurance. For a single person the number is the poverty line. Like 12K, so if you can somehow on paper look like you make a dollar more than the poverty line you’ll get a 100% subsidy, but it will be for regular Blue Cross Blue Sheild major medical health insurance. Once you have it you can stop working and you keep the insurance for a long time. You are also insured in one day. These are just common ways to get coverage if you need it. But either way, stay away from those doc-in-a-box places, unless you need a bandaide or a flu shot. No hospital is allowed to turn you away. There’s a government fund that pays your bills even though they’ll try to collect from you they get paid anyway. Urgent care centers don’t qualify for these funds so it’s worse for you. I hope I’m not boring you, I know a lot of details.

Even though there are some long term issuer I’d try a 2 week course of Prylosec. This works totally differently than Prevacid and you may respond dramatically differently. I’d also eat hemp and flax seeds. You can get generic Prylosec as omeprazole for about 1/2 the cost and it will work fine. I also like Galviscon for immediate relief. The dietary restrictions sheet they gave you is basically worthless. It’s like saying follow the food pyramid while most Americans die prematurely from its advice. If you call the urgent care center tell them you’re having your
Pharmacy call them to approve medication called Carafate, a very effective prescription acid neutralizer. A real ER
would have given you that. Carafate is another first-order medication. I think you have esophageal spasm. A really
painful retrosternal pain syndrome from long standing dyspepsia. But I’m going from a scant history alone. Carafate is so safe you could drink the whole bottle and it wouldn’t hurt you and Prylosec is OTC so I’m not giving you any medical advice (I think I need to say that).
Maybe pull back on animal protein. They’re very hard on the GI system. 4 oz. once a week would give your guts a huge rest...and rest means a chance to heal. To me that sound like what’s going on, you’re keeping the injury going. If you hit you thumb with a hammer and I cleaned it and bandaged it up and the next day you bash it with a hammer and that keeps happening that thumb never gets a chance to heal. No where does this analogy apply better than the
GI tract. A 2 week course of Prylosec won’t hurt you (long term use may). Many people feel relief from PPI (Prylosec) in ONE DAY! Sometimes up to 3 days before t you’ll know fairly quickly if it’s going to help. 30 something’s s the decade in see more new ulcer disease than any other...then there’s geriatric ulcers but that’s another story.

I have insomnia again since I dropped to .1 mg of sub 2 x a day so I used my in ability to sleep to give you what hopefully will be some useful info. Personally, I’d start with Prilosec. Good luck. Let us know how you’re doing. There’s nothing worse than feeling like crap a sick day after day and not knowing why. That’s no way to live...but I promise you, you WILL RECOVER FROM THIS. You will feel good again one day soon so hang in there.

Sorry for all the typos...I’m using my phone and the suns coming up so it is what it is.
I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is a vengeful, angry one. The other wolf is a loving, compassionate one. Which wolf will win the fight in my heart? The one I feed.

Buprenorphine: 10 years @ 16 mg/d ave. - Jumped Off February 5, 2018 @ 0.09mg
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby syd » Fri Jan 19, 2018 9:09 am

Have you had a Barium x-ray or an endoscopy to rule out a Hiatal Hernia?
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby cheeps » Sat Jan 20, 2018 11:01 am

Hey tooth....hope you are ok....well, somewhat....maybe this day will be a better day.

Just know that your parents have to practice some form of denial to cope too. Your dad sounds ok, your mom just prolly wishes her kid felt better..


Vent all you want here. Are you still using your roller?
10 yrs on methadone
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Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby Tooth&Nail » Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:26 pm

Hey cheeps, things are pretty much the same today just trying to do what I can to not have a terrible day, my families just such a sore spot and arguments happened again last night because I was having so much pain that I could do much but kneel down with my head on the couch and I was just having such a hard time and as soon as it gets like that my parents just make that "tsssssssssssss" sound like exhaling like "great here he goes again" and picking at me and making me feel guilty about it and they try to rile me up saying "were calling the ambulance" and they get mad at me when I say "Im not gonna go I already played that game and they treated me like crap and sent me home in serious misery with no answers and a 9,000$ bill" and they say "you just refuse to do anything to get better" and I just don't understand how they say that.

I said the other day that they don't suck but honestly thats just not true they do indeed and Im starting to think that they get some sort of enjoyment out of my misery because my piece of shit dad the other day when I was going through one of the peaks of insane pain where I think I could fucking die and was laying on my floor in the fetal position holding my knees almost in tears and I was saying "im so scared I just don't know what to do the hospital will just send me home again with huge debt and no help but i can't do this anymore I have felt like this every second for the past 5 months and felt this pain less intense for fucking years in my sternum area and back" and after a few minutes that bastard says "your so fucking dramatic" and just to amp up how terrible I feel he flops down on the floor and starts mocking me moaning saying "oh my god the pain THE PAIN THE PAIN i can't take it IM GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!" and then says "get a grip you are mentally ill and you belong in the psych ward if only people who know you could see how you are acting". When he did that I made up my mind that I don't think I will ever continue having a relationship with him if I survive this and somehow get better and can move on. I can't think of a more fucked up thing to do to someone and I just fucking hate him. They also say stupid shit like "oh I know people at work with back pain they don't act like this" and I just wish I could blow my brains out in front of them when they make comments like that and show them how this is soul crushing pain thats destroying me and could be very serious and I just have to sort of sit around and wait to die or at the very least just keep getting worse and live in pain and sometimes they seem perfectly fine with it, they say things like "well you don't have insurance what do you expect them to do" when I talk about not knowing how Im ever gonna get over this in terms of getting treated. Just zero compassion, being morally ok with someone possibly dieing or not having any quality of life and losing their mobility more and more as the weeks go by because they made some mistakes and werent able to have insurance I just don't get how someone could be like that. I don't believe in god but he also says "boy I wish I could be there when you die one day and god is waiting at the pearly gates and tells you you aren't allowed in because you ruined your parents lives and put them through hell". He didn't mean die now I don't think Im sure he meant eventually like everyone does but it doesn't make it much better. I could smash my computer out of anger just typing that.

I went to the affordable care place, they sent me to the hospital and they recommended a gastro doc and I went to him and I tried a chiro how the fuck is that not trying to do something abou it ya know. One thing I really hate about them is I grew up in a family of 3 addicts, not opiate addicts but they all use drugs or alcohol daily for the last 10-15 years and Im the only one who gets labeled a loser for having addiction issues and last night like they have said many times they say things like "you deserve to be locked up forever" because I have a breakdown from being in pain and when they show no compassion and berate me and call me names and say I deserve to locked in a cage I just wish I had the means to walk out and never look back and cut off all contact for the remainder of my life and I honestly think they would be happier as would I.

My brothers are arrogant kind of in their own way and while I don't hate them at all I never feel good around them, like I'll go to my older brothers house sometimes and of course can never chill with just him always gotta be around his girlfriend which is fine I like her but I can't get two words out before hes looking at her like a wimp "you ok babe" and gay shit like that almost like my talking for 5 seconds is so taxing to put up with, I'll crack jokes or bring up something i find interesting and he's always like darting his eyes over to her as if Im blind and can't see him do it like he's saying non verbally "is he bothering you by being here" Anyways enough sob story from me hah, how are you doing today cheeps? Doing anything exciting or fun lately? I was just watching breaking bad on tv and man I love that show, great films are my favorite thing in the world ive always wanted to try my hand at making a low budget movie, I love how breaking bad is so cinematic and like every episode is like a mini film. I think Im gonna go put on my blu ray of the good the bad and the ugly and take my mind off things, oh and have you seen the trailer for that new western "Hostiles" that looks like it could be good I think Im gonna go see that I think next week it comes out. Oh and the foam roller I actually have cut that out for now, its weird when I made that thread about it it felt like a miracle for the couple days but I dont know if its a cause of being too vigorous or too many days in a row but I think it makes it worse now and aggravates whatever thing is going on. Did you get one and use it? If so did you notice it helped or no difference?
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby cheeps » Sun Jan 21, 2018 11:50 am

Your pain and suffering scares the Fuck out of your family. It makes them think THAT one day they will be like that....it's so deep down they do the whole denial SHIT because watching you scares the Fuck outta them. It's dysfunction your dad grew up on, that motherfucker....if he felt like that....he'd stay drunk 24/7.....and your mom is conditioned to agree with him for fear of reprisal. :thumbdown: :wtf:

I don't know how peeps can be that way but they are. It has nothing to do with you...if your brother was in pain like this and lived with them....he'd get nailed too. He sounds jealous as FUCK about his girl. No one wants you to have any compassion from anyone. They are really fucked up.

Some of your pain comes from being around them think of it as being in a constant state of panic attack. :punchballs:

When you get out of there, don't look back.


I never got the roller but still think it's a good idea.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby Tooth&Nail » Sun Jan 21, 2018 4:16 pm

Thats very astute of you to say that about being around my family causing me constant panic I have noticed that as well when in the past I never really connected the two, when they go out for awhile and Im able to move around the house freely (obviously they don't tell me I can't but I just feel the air sucked out of the room when I come downstairs and the lighthearted conversation kind of gets quiet and I feel bad because I just want to say "I feel good today its a good day how are you guys" but since its chronic I know thats not happening for the time being and I don't want to disappoint them by saying "its still the same).

My mom is ok now but several years ago she was diagnosed with cancer and have to have surgery and go through all the chemo and the hell that goes with it and it was just soul crushing to watch and I basically sat on my moms bed and tried to make her laugh even and just be there and it was just me and my dad, my fuckhead brothers who had their escape because they live on their own would show up maybe once a week for an hour or two but I was here with my dad trying to cope with it and help my mom. I pretty much tried to stay brave in front of my mom because I didn't want to scare her with my fear about it but once she finally passed out at night I spent the better part of a year drinking like 10 shots a night and just smoking constant weed and taking benzos and just crying about why this happened to my mom.

I know I don't have a diagnosis and its probably not on her level but I just wish she could kind of put herself in my shoes and see how it was hard for me to deal with her flipping out on me during that time and being good half the time but nasty and mean the other half because she wasn't herself because of the misery and I knew that and didn't hold it against her. That kind of gave me a lesser respect for my brothers not coming by much at all, I get why they didn't because its hard but fuck man do they think it wasn't hard for me and my dad to be here the whole time and to an even larger degree how hard it was for my mom Im sure she would have liked to see them. Your right in that they are probably scared, I forgot about it until you said that but I overheard my mom on the phone talking to a friend and she didn't know I was in ear shot and she said "Now Im over my illness and my son is having such a miserable time and Im worried we will have to go through something like this with him now" and that made me scared hearing that. My fantasy when quitting opiates was just to get over the few months of hell, go get a temp job again and start working and get my own place and stop by once on the weekend when we normally have dinner together with everyone and just have them be proud of me, it sounds corny but I just for some reason need that validation and have craved it all my life since I fell down the bottomless pit of drugs.
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby cheeps » Mon Jan 22, 2018 12:16 pm

Well that really explains alot. At least you understand and can empathize with her....and your dad to a certain degree. Tie mom has to always wonder if her cancer is going to resurface and that is something she dreads....I'm sorta glad you overheard her even though it SUCKS too hear it.

That also explains why he needles the SHIT out of you....he watched your mom go thru that hell and make it. Sounds like the ole "if she did it, he can to....hers was worse" attitude.

You've had some major major stress in your young life and that really adds too your misery. YOU have over come something as hard as your mother...sub, but of course no one can understand that unless they do it.

Tooth.....you just have to come HERE and vent. The bills can be managed if you can go to the hospital and fill out some of the, "I can't pay" paperwork. Yes, your credit score will suffer but that can be repaid and repaired over time.

I've got too run...Will be back later.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby Tooth&Nail » Mon Jan 29, 2018 12:48 pm

I can't believe how bad the withdrawals got from only doing poppy seed tea a total of 6 days and 2 of those times were 48 hours apart. I knew it would cause some but jesus christ, I guess after being on sub for 7 years like that theres just no doing opiates at all anymore without withdrawal being horrible. I was clean 5+ months so I thought maybe it would just be mild. Just a warning to anyone who might want to slip back and think you can get away with it I wasn't able too and Im so mad at myself over it. Trying to manage my pain for a few days was not worth any of this.
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby cheeps » Tue Jan 30, 2018 6:36 pm

Yeah...it takes a long time to remove yourself before you can tolerate another detox. Fuck! That sucks...what you day you on?
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: Really scared and not doing well

Postby Tooth&Nail » Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:37 pm

Today is day 7 its not nearly as bad now as when I posted but still hanging on a bit. Its crazy how bad the withdrawal gets from something you can buy at the store, most seeds are bunk but theres this one bulk supply store that has 90% of the time has some that makes very potent tea that will keep you high for a good 12 hours and every time Im stressed the thought always pops into my head to get some but its not worth it, something about the Wds are so bad. I was hooked on poppy pods for 3 years before getting on the subutex and man those were even worse but I was surprised how bad the seeds were I wasn't ready for that, every time I did them on subutex I would take a break from the subs and of course start the subs up again afterwards so I never realized. Fuck those things though something about them worries me like they could have some form of toxins in there that aren't harmful for say eating the amount you would eat in a muffin or something but washing like a million and drinking it might be a different story. I would have eased off it with kratom but that stuff is so hard on the gut I cant tolerate it anymore, I dont know if you have ever used it to ease off opiates but it makes it so much easier if you can stomach it.
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