Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

If there is an issue that you really need to discuss, that you feel needs URGENT attention regarding some type of medical/recovery problem, this is the place for it..

Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby emily » Tue Jun 04, 2013 9:04 pm

Dawn

Today was a BAD fucking day for you...hopefully you made it & have something for sleep. Sub is up & down & that is what makes people so crazy the first few weeks. Please hang on or as others say "strap yourself in for the ride". Did you mean you took sub on or Ritalin when you said" I re-dosed Thursday Friday Saturday and Sunday all at noontime" I think you mean ritalin but just not positive. Ritalin may make your anxiousness worse, but we are all different in what works & doesn't work. Do you have any way of getting lyrcia or it's cousin gabapentin (wrong spelling), that seems to help peeps in detox.

Dawn, as shitty as you feel, as depressed as you sound, as non motivated as you feel, the ONE thing to remember is this is TEMPORARY. It takes time to heal, we didn't get addicted over night & we won't be "normal" overnight.

Would your doctor consider increasing the prozac for a few months & also giving you something for sleep like trazadone? IMO those may help more than ritalin in the long run. Just a thought.

Hang in there...You can beat this...Believe in yourself & most here call what you experienced today Freddie the Fucker LOL

It's great you posted today, i only wish i could have seen your posts earlier but i check SS in the morning with my decaf coffee & occasional at night before bed.

I don't know if you know about Imodium but it helps the jumpy feelings & the creepy crawley feeling. So far everything you have experienced i have read others have had same issues.
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby cheeps » Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:05 pm

what you are going thru is entirely normal and it sucks. Your brain is trying to rewire. It may be too soon for stimulants...they tend to make anxiety worse in the early days.

Exercise....swim, walk, play hopscoth....just fucking DO something. It's hard but it will get your hormones back to normal quicker and help your thyroid.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby dawny38 » Wed Jun 05, 2013 6:35 am

Emily: All I've taken is Ritalin. NO subs since 5/17. :) Cheeps/I am REALLY trying to be motivated. I set the alarm for 6:30a.m. and am already dressed. BUT the only reason why I got up at 6:29 is because I didn't want to hear that fucking loud alarm ringing. lmfao That and... My girl will have my ass in a sling if I'm not up and ready to get this shit done today. She saw how I was yesterday and said "You can't sit there all day waiting for something to happen!!" You've got to fill your time and yadda yadda yadda. Shit I already know but can't get motivated for. **cept for today. I'm up, shit, showered and shaved. LOL READY for the day but not really... I took vistaril last night to sleep. I cannot take it during the day because it knocks me out every time and I have the baby here. So last night I slept like a rock from 12a.m. to 6:29a.m. I still feel sleepy though. Tired and very unmotivated is the mindset but it looks like I'm ready to face the day because I'm up and dressed. And that's half the battle for me. I hope you all have a terrific day. It's supposed to be a pretty nice day here in Rhode Island. 73-75 and sunny all day. No rain till tomorrow and Friday. Later people. :)
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby gettingsober » Wed Jun 05, 2013 10:40 am

Glad you got some sleep last night. Hope you have a better day today. :)
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby dawny38 » Sat Jun 15, 2013 4:31 pm

Ah.... 30 days today/I made it to 30 days CLEAN. This is a feat I have not seen in 20 years. I must say I feel really good too! I CANNOT believe this! I actually felt what it feels like to feel the sun on my face and it actually felt good without having drugs flowing through my blood. I'm up cleaning, doing laundry and dinner is in the oven. For anyone who thinks this day is impossible, I am proof that we CAN GET THROUGH THIS! Wish me luck as I now start to count the months not the days. This site is ultimately what got me through.
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby dawny38 » Sat Jun 15, 2013 4:34 pm

Oh! And I threw that fucking bottle of Ritalin down the toilet when I read about people's withdrawal online and how difficult that can be. FUCK THAT STUFF! I'm better with nothing in my veins.
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby cheeps » Sat Jun 15, 2013 7:18 pm

Dawny.....love, love, love it!!!

For 38 years old....and 20 fucked up years...you've been out of it in one way or another.

On being drugfree.....

1. cheaper
2. honest
3. happy
4. healthy
5. freedom

You no longer live as a fuckin' slave..... :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:
10 yrs on methadone
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Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby dawny38 » Sun Jun 16, 2013 7:48 am

Cheeps thanks for all the banana's! LOL They really made me smile. And your you no longer live as a fucking slave words rang through my head. For the 1st time in 20 years I can honestly pass a piss test for a job/what a huge accomplishment this is for me. I think I'm going to get that (or something to the effect) tattooed on my inner wrist so if I ever go to snatch a nasty pill in my hand, that I see the tat and remind myself of the 20 yrs torment. Or just something there everyday to remind me of the pain. I don't know what's worse... The pain of being an addict for 20 years or the pain of withdrawals and detoxing. Wait! I do know what's worse! The 20 years of being an addict. At least at the end of withdrawals, it gets better. On my own road to recovery/will you come walk with me?!
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby Justjules13 » Sun Jun 16, 2013 4:50 pm

Hi Dawn,
I've been tempted to get a tattoo of broken chains or handcuffs. I'm 60 days clean next Thursday, and it's a relief to get on a buss or plane and not worry about where my next fix is coming from. The Dutch word for addiction translates literly into "slavery". (I'm in the Netherlands) I've always prided myself on being independent and free, and now I truly am. The "high" wasn't worth giving up my freedom for. Opiates will never figure into where I go or what I do, ever again.
Enjoy your freedom...and don't look back!
Jules
Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
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Pills and IV Morphine- 1985-1999
Methadone maintenance- 1999-May 23,2011 (140mg, tapering to 10 mg)
Suboxone-slow taper to zero, very minimal WD (jump date 12/9/14)
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby dawny38 » Sun Jun 16, 2013 5:15 pm

Rules, WoW!! 60 days, that's so awesome. I mean that's really huge!! Congrats. Hey the broken chains sounds like a really nice idea which definitely carries a lot of weight/no pun intended. "No longer your slave" being the caption with broken pills in a pile resting at your feet. Picture that tattoo!! You're a nurse, aren't you? I think I read one of your posts saying so... Anyway (Me too). I'm not working right now. Planned on going back soon though. Any ideas on how to curb those cravings once I'm back to work working with the devil again?
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby dawny38 » Sun Jun 16, 2013 5:17 pm

***++Jules not rules. Stupid smart phone.
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby Justjules13 » Sun Jun 16, 2013 5:35 pm

Well....I would just ask someone else to hold the narc keys or do the treatment cart instead. It's just too tempting to be around narcs this early in the game. Yes..I'm a nurse and IV morphine was my DOC.
Do you work at a big hospital where there's a big demand for pain meds?
Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
Victor Kiam
Pills and IV Morphine- 1985-1999
Methadone maintenance- 1999-May 23,2011 (140mg, tapering to 10 mg)
Suboxone-slow taper to zero, very minimal WD (jump date 12/9/14)
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby dawny38 » Tue Jun 18, 2013 7:35 am

33 days clean and the sneezing everyday has FINALLY stopped. What a weird side effect of stopping subs. LOL I was going to post this a day ago since I hadn't sneezed but I didn't want to jinx myself. SO this is really officially the 2nd day no sneezing. LOL

Jules, giving my keys up? And NO way! Here, the nurse does everything... Meds, treatments, no separating or sharing. We each have our own side and lot of patients. Wouldn't that mean having to let my secret out of the bag at work? At a new job, I don't know if that's a good idea. Wondering if you've got any Jedi mind tricks up your sleeve for combating the temptations while at work.
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby emily » Tue Jun 18, 2013 8:17 am

Hey Dawn

Congrats on 33 days clean! Did you get a job already? Are you an RN or LPN? I was thinking you could work in a doctors office instead of hospital or nursing home where you won't be so tempted by drugs. Just food for thought..

How is your motivation? The sneezing is weird..happens with all opiate detox as far as i know. Keep going..counting the months sounds alot better than counting the days, minutes, hours & sometimes seconds.
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby dawny38 » Tue Jun 18, 2013 8:54 am

Emily/ I'm just an LPN. So working at a DR's office is out of the question. They only allow RN's here to work at places like that. I am limited to nursing homes, etc., etc. I've never taken from my job but being around those happy fun colored pills might jog some 'want', ya know?! I have no want right now to use and it's been quite awhile since I've actively thought about going out for some. I'm just worried about all the 'WHAT IFS'. No job yet/ Been out of work preparing for this getting clean shit since March but really really aching to get out of the house to kill some boredom. I mean/yeah, I could go for a walk but I'm way too lazy for that shit. I just really want to get my life back on track to where it should be. Like get out of bed because I have to go to a job or I'd be fired/that's motivation enough for me. I've always had a job but never had a job where I was clean. Really hoping I don't relapse/again,... worried about all the what ifs. IFS and MAYBE's SUCK because you JUST NEVER KNOW. We're almost into July. I need to shit or get off the pot. Oh! I DID jinx myself/just had a huge sneeze about 2 minutes before I started writing on here which is why I came on here again so soon. P.S. I've never REALLY quit before. Only quit for a day or a few days because there was nothing around to be had. But never really had a reason to quit/always had the $ and the access. I've been thinking of and wanting to quit for about 2 years now. Trust me when I tell you, I went through a lot of mental preparation to quit before I even strapped myself in for the ride. I thought it was going to be hell. And it WAS! I'm happy the acute part is over. Now strapping in for the mental games.
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby Justjules13 » Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:09 am

Hey Dawn,
Sounds like your at a "extended care" place. Hummmmm, that's gonna be tough. I got into some of my worst trouble working 11-7 in those types of places. (Too much time to test those "tamper proof" packaging. That just sounded like a challenge to me in active addiction!.. Lol) Well, I guess good heathy fear of getting caught might work. DONs look for patterns on the PRN narc sheet and the following shift knows if Pts went unmediated...plus they are going to be watching a new nurse...So be good, and keep those mitts of of the candy jar!
Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
Victor Kiam
Pills and IV Morphine- 1985-1999
Methadone maintenance- 1999-May 23,2011 (140mg, tapering to 10 mg)
Suboxone-slow taper to zero, very minimal WD (jump date 12/9/14)
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby Justjules13 » Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:12 am

"Just a LPN"?? You know we run the floor harder that those snooty RNs! Lol
Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
Victor Kiam
Pills and IV Morphine- 1985-1999
Methadone maintenance- 1999-May 23,2011 (140mg, tapering to 10 mg)
Suboxone-slow taper to zero, very minimal WD (jump date 12/9/14)
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby emily » Tue Jun 18, 2013 12:12 pm

Justjules13 wrote:"Just a LPN"?? You know we run the floor harder that those snooty RNs! Lol




Damn Right Jules :D My Son in law is an RN, graduated last May & sometimes I just want to slap the shit out of him when he tells me "you were just an LPH"WTF? In NY the RN holds the keys to the candy store but the LPN dispense to the patients. If they really wanted to watch the narc's the RN's would have to dispense & watch the patient.. :gaah:

Dawn

Jules is right..don't go near the candy jar...a new nurse in under a microscope plus they have hidden cam's every where now
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby dawny38 » Tue Jun 18, 2013 12:55 pm

Like I said before honestly I've never had the need to take from my job. I've always had meds and money available at the ready. I'm just thinking being around the shit again, am I going to get cravings? How can I ensure I will be able to properly ignore stupid cravings and the lies our braINS TELL US? Like... Maybe just an oxy than we'll quit. Or... what harm could one tiny little itty bitty pill do ? I could come up with a thousand smart ways to dip my mitts in the candy jar but I don't know if I would have the balls to do it. I've noticed patterns and trends with other nurses and med techs though. LOL Having the mindset of an addict always tips you off when a new nurse comes in. I can spot a diverting nurse a mile away. I never said anything or ratted anyone out though. At times, it was so obvious that I almost was tempted to pull some of them aside and give them the number to my dealer. LMFAO They always get caught one way or another which is why I never had to rat them out. Besides how could I rat them out when I was doing the same shit they were doing only I wasn't taking it from someone else? I just watched, learned and had a few good laughs. It sucked seeing some of the really nice ones get busted though. No one wakes up and says "I wanna be an addict when I grow up, or I wanna be a crack head when I grow up." Wait! NO!!! "When I grow up, I want my every movement to be narrated and run by pills and addiction". I want to succumb to my disease and rob Peter and Paul to feed my addiction." No one wants that. And we all dig our own hole/getting out is the hardest part. Sucks the whole addiction thing. My PCP suggested I see a psychiatrist for my addiction issues. Anyone out there ever see an addiction therapist/psychiatrist before? What to expect? WHat do you think? Any experiences will surely help. Yeah WE DO! I didn't want to insult any of the RN's out there. LOL What are they making? Like 10/more an hour than us and we're the one's sweating like pigs from doing all their shit?! Don't be insulted RN's, we all know you have more book smarts than us. But let's see who can plant a peripheral 1st stick!!! With our eyes closed and with the both of us having the hiccups!) That one was for you Jules!!!!
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Re: Really tempted today... please help/Emily/Rach? Anyone

Postby dawny38 » Tue Jun 18, 2013 1:14 pm

Emily/just noticed you asked about motivation. Ya know?! It's really a fucked up thing/this motivation game. One day I'll be up at the crack of Dawn/no pun intended and I'll be ready cleaning the house and going out but the next day I'm staring at the 4 walls telling myself... "Self... you've got to get up and take a shower so you can go do what ever what ever." And I find myself 3 hours later or in the middle of the afternoon still saying, or thinking the same shit having not moved an inch and still smelling like a dead animal decided to park it's ass in my shirt! What gives? That's why I think I need a job so bad because no matter what, at least I will know that if I don't get up aND GO THERE, THAN I WILL BE FIRED. so THERE! iNSTANT MOTIVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like today I took my girl out for thee nicest 2.5 mile walk along the beach line. It was beautiful, we stopped and had a picnic and held hands. It's been a long while since I've felt like touching anyone's anything. I just feel weird when people touch me or brush up against me. It's like sensitive. I don't know how to explain it. I'm weird I guess but I haven't always been like this. I'm noticing a lot of stuff that was masked by self medication. I would really like to get to the bottom of it but I wonder if that's even a possibility.
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