hey sub, sub, & twisted. All is going good here. I have had a bit of a low yeaterday evening & this morning/afternoon. It seems to come in 40 hour cycles somewhat & then the relief/clarity is back. I am trying to not dwell/post too much of the negative, yet keep it real to anyone who may be going through DTX.
The mind game is the hardest thing at this point. It seems to control everything really. It can take one to some places they feel 'stuck' in, & if this happens, Its important to take it easy, yet also (if possible), try to be as active as possible to keep body in motion of real life & get out of that haze. I wished I could say all was excellent, but it takes time to happen. The body is fighting hard to get me back. Thats one of the many amazing things it does on its own & I have no clue how it works, & even science cant explain all the parts of the body, or how one does such involuntary things like this. Ha, what an amazing invention: the human.
As for pain, I kinda hate to say it, but the imodium is really a key factor in managing the mind as that seems to control most of the physical as well. I have some real solid days of no issues, but the cycles are still happening, yet they seem to be spaced out much longer than the initial week. I would say that the first week is horrible, so anyone thinking of 'jumping', be aware.....just may not be anyway around it. But after that, there are some good feelings that come. Pain is not bad/unbearable. I took lots of OTC pain meds the first week (like all possible w/o overdoing it, but the mix of the 3 main ones seemed to help a lot). I now just take 2 Aleve a day (& 4mg Imodium) & maybe some tylenol daytime &/or caffeine to help w oddball aches & pains. I really do not think the BUPE was doing a whole lot for real physical pain in looking back. Of course, when i took it, i wasn't WD'ing, so it made me 'feel better', but to answer twisted, I really think it being classed as a real pain reliever is not a valid way to deal w/ pain. At least not in the small doses I took. Maybe at a big dose it would help, but I am not looking to get back on it ever again.
If things get in an ugly cycle, I just gotta lay on bed & I spend some time reading Bible (may not be good for all if they are confused as it can be confusing as it is way beyond a typical 'logic' base, in otherwords, way above the human brain (mine at least) to comprehend all parts
*John is a good/easy book to read*) & thinking about how lucky i am God has kept me alive for so long after all the insane stuff I have done to myself. I hate the BUPE & really dislike all pain meds that are addictive. They destroy lives...even if one really 'needs' them...they can be devistating. My heart was beating in jumps & was just really toxic to me as a whole. I wonder what I could have gotten accomplished in life If I had not been under the 'spell' of that stuff. I don't wanna stay in the thought too long, or I'm beating myself up, & that never really got me anywhere, except in deeper pain.
I think the BUPE is a wicked game to play w/ ones body/mind. The WD is just too insane compared to the 'fx' it offers. I dont mean to say it can't help some, as it can, but it is crucial (IMO), that the person who is about to take this 'miracle drug', is made aware &/or has a good plan on how to get off of it, even when they begin, as the item is exactly like they named it...just a 'SUB' (weather its SUBoxone, SUButex or straight bupe like what I was on). It may have felt better as it came from a DR.(if one had bought previously via illegal methods), & no fear of legal issues, but DR's are not Gods, & just cause they prescribe something (that many know little about), it still does not make it 'right', or even senseable/smart for all situations. But I know me, & I know that maybe I wasn't looking for 'help', maybe I was just looking for a 'sub' at the time. (this is time to be brutaly honest, or I'm just lying to self & headed to the dumps later & I don't wanna go back ever)
Whatever the case was, Im glad I'm off the garbage & getting my dreams, ideas, & wants in life back as well as a MUCH cleaner feeling overall. I am drained for energy a lot, but I force myself to shower & do all normal things in life, eventhough they may require a small 'pep-talk' as if each thing is a 'big deal' to do. But this is getting much less & days looking brighter. It is basicly a situation of seeing this as a 'loss', or seeing this as a 'gain' for ones self. If I can not convince myself this is a gain, then i said "Ok...I will give it one more day". That has seemed to work as far as convincing my head to 'stick in there', & also the support from the forum has helped.
I wanted to document this as best possible, so that someone else may save themselves from my mistakes. Im almost 40 & don't have much in life (from a typical view). I let the greedy take what they want from me. They can have it. Let the maggots feed while they can. I wouldn't wanna trade places w/ them.
But there are some things they can't take away. Unless one has this, it would be very easy to give-up (IMO), & just say 'ok, too much is too much / at least I tried'
... So if anyone is thinking this...Give it another day
. See if you can't get a glimpse of something sweet in life to keep you going. Reality was not nice to begin with for some of us, or we (speaking for myself), probably would not have decided life on the meds was better, yet this is the same insanity as anything else: First time (or more) felt good/fun/relief, so its a chase to maintain, yet it seemingly never happened again in looking back, years later and many $$ less.
I'm rambling.... if anyone can take anything to help themselves, please do. As stated, these are just MY personal opinions/experiences, & all vary
. I don't wish negative on anyone else. If it seems unbearable, thats common I guess, but so is getting better
. So please keep that in mind. The pain will make you stronger. Its a proven fact. Not just my case, but others here prove that. Thanks again twisted, sub & tia. Lets kick this thing back in it's pit of misery it spawned in, in the mind of some money hungry scientist (
) who is driving our Royle Royce we paid for, in exchange for us to be miserable & false 'evangelist' for &/or guinea-pigs for his prey on people who were 'addicted'/in pain. Yeah, I know it was my choice, not dr's fault, or anyone elses, & I am paying the consequences(
). But they will have to come to face the truth in their lie to the world as well one day. I hope someone fixing to 'get cured' with SUB will read the truth from real guinea-pigs like me. Its a bad/nasty cage you may pay 100's/1000's for, then possibly be willing to pay twice as much to make the 'miracle drug' go away later. Ha...maybe not the case of all, but I know it has not been fun for me, but i'm not gonna let it beat me anymore.