49 Days Off Subs from 8mgs PAWS Post Acute Withdrawal

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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby amery2u » Wed May 27, 2015 2:56 pm

Yep, AWESOME POSTS, once again.
RC, you also.

I'm not feeling great today, AGAIN, but...still fighting the good fight guys!

Hugs,
Anne :)

Haya RunTheMouth (oops, Machine, LoL . . .) where be's ya????????
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Wed May 27, 2015 6:32 pm

Anne,

I'm glad you're still in the fight. Just don't give up. I'm sorry this post isn't going to be very long but I'm at work and have a date with the lady afterwards and I can't be late. I'm just happy you're still staying clean. I'm sorry your day is shit but is it better than yesterday? Is it better than four weeks ago? Sometimes I have to put things in perspective and even if the day is terrible I can find some solace in knowing I'm better off than I was on subs or hydro's. Yes, the future is frightening sometimes but it's also exciting at times. Okay, maybe not exciting but the future is coming regardless of what I want. There's a good Leonard Cohen line I heard yesterday, "everybody lives forever when they've done a line or two." While I never snorted anything I think the meaning still applies. We're facing an opiate-free life and the detox process makes you recognize your mortality in a different way. I've been feeling like I need to change my life and do something new and I never would've felt that on hydro's or subs. It's not the best feeling but it's what's there.

Just stick with it. These shitty physical and mental side effects of withdrawing will pass. I don't know when but they will. Stay strong and I'll check in later. :-)
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby cheeps » Wed May 27, 2015 9:25 pm

There is a bit of wisdom that is passed along in the detox/rehabs and is somewhere on this forum....in the depths of PAWS threads.

Never make any life changes until you are 6 months to a year off an opiate....especially an LAO like sub or methadone.

Yup....you have my heart. You are able to put into writing so many things I'd like to say....but my memory is so bad now and I can't do it. You are amazing....after I detox it's all I can do to string together four letter words. The more times you put yourself through a detox...the harder it is to remember how to write. I have always had a better mind for editing than creating text. I used to be a wizz at redoing various forms, rules, instructions...whatever. But I could still create a well written paper on whatever subject given. Not now....some days I can't remember how to spell or what synonym to use so as not to be repetitive. I hate this part the most....waiting for the brain to come back. :banghead:
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Wed May 27, 2015 10:28 pm

Cheeps,

Thank you. Sincerely, I mean that. It’s nice to hear somebody compliment your writing. I will admit that during the acute phase, and even for a few weeks afterwards, I couldn’t write anything worth a damn. Actually, my handwriting was horrible for a month but that’s another story.

I tried writing about this whole process multiple times before signing up on SubSux. It always ended in failure. I’m not a professional writer whatsoever and never will be but I’ve always enjoyed it. At one point I wanted to write professionally but it has never worked out. Plus, it’s so competitive and a “who you know” club. I don’t really know anybody. And there are also really good writers out there, people that put me to shame and can not only write something competently but can craft a story. It’s difficult for me to write about fictional people.

It’s probably best I don’t make a major life change until six months are up. Thank you for putting that out there and putting things in perspective. It’s been a little over two months so far and I know I’m still recovering, even if it’s mostly mental at this point. I’ve been fed up with my job for a long time now, even before I started on the subs, but it’s probably best I don’t make a drastic change – like a career change. I work for an arm of the pharmaceutical industry and while I don’t work with drugs I’ve thought for years that it’s a corrupt field. After subs I’m even more convinced. Obviously, there are useful drugs and I’m thankful they exist but the long term effects of Suboxone are not discussed in that industry and I doubt that anybody really cares. I’m sure it’s that way with many drugs and that makes me want to distance myself from that industry as much as possible. It’s also the industry that pays my bills. I’m a cog in that machine.

Back to writing, honestly what’s really helpful is reading. I’ve been an avid reader for as long as I can remember and that’s a good help with my vocabulary, synonym retention and usage, and the barrage of other writing tricks. I also only found, within the last two years or less, that I had finally found my voice after trying to write for almost 20 years at that point and I still feel like I have to develop it. Honestly, I think your writing is very good. The other day when you posted to Anne about doing something if you have that desire I felt you got the point across poignantly and succinctly. You told her to suck it up and that’s what she (and I) needed at that point, as I was bitching about the holiday letdown also. Don’t sell yourself short.

I also love editing but I’m terrible at editing my own stuff. I take too long and I end up hating most of what I end up writing. I get to use those skills at work but lately all these other problems get in the way of using my education on the job. It’s a little frustrating but I just need to get over it.

On the recovery note, today wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t a picnic but, aside from an actual picnic, what day during this process has been? Tomorrow is day 65 and less than a month from the 90 day mark. I feel putting myself on a timeline is going to lead to disappointment (like expecting a holiday to be “awesome!”) but I also feel I need these milestones. It’s the only way I can measure my progress as time is what’ll help me heal.

To Anne, RC, Starting Over, and everybody else out there: keep it up. Don’t stop fighting. Yes, I had a decent day. I had a dinner date with the lady and it went really well but it’s the first truly nice evening I’ve had all week. I don’t like the bad times but they help accentuate the good ones. I just hope the scales start to tip and the good outweighs the bad. Please don’t forget that you’re all doing the right thing and please don’t give in. We’re all so far along that relapsing now would just be a big step back. Just remember the first two weeks, how you felt, those sensations like your skin was made of lead and nothing would ever get better. Those days, for the most part, are past.

If that doesn’t help, you can always think about the training montage from Rocky IV. Lift that fucking cart!!!!! :-)

I’m off to sleep. Hang in there and I’ll check in tomorrow morning. Goodnight everybody.

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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby cheeps » Wed May 27, 2015 10:47 pm

And if this doesn’t help, here’s Nina Simone. This song always makes me feel better.


I needed this. :cheers:
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Thu May 28, 2015 11:22 am

Holy shit, I’m on day 65. I stayed up later than I wanted last night and was up early again. I wasn’t up exactly with the sun but shortly after. That bastard reared its menacing glare through the curtains and even though I had a sleep mask on I could feel the difference in temperature on my skin (thankfully I’ll have new windows installed in the next month or so, as my bedroom windows are currently single pane and the heat here is already brutal). This was somewhere between 6-7am. Today is my short day and I get to sleep in but that didn’t happen. I tried to no avail and finally got up around 8:30 when a telemarketer called asking me about health insurance. Don’t they have to wait until at least 9am or does it even matter at this point?

Cheeps, I’m glad that Nina Simone song cheered you up. I love that song and it always makes me feel better, too. Her cover of The Bee-Gees’ To Love Somebody is also a personal favorite that makes me happy and is a regular stand-by.

Right now I’m sitting in my car at a park near work. I’m tethered to my phone for WIFI. The reason I bring this up is I saw a bicycling couple pull up to the park. The lady of this duo and I exchanged polite smiles but the man was wearing a Jaws parody shirt with a cat coming up. It said PAWS. I had to laugh, because I’m going through PAWS and the cycling pair keep passing by on the park’s bike trail so they’re a constant reminder of my current situation. I was aware of this shirt long before I knew what PAWS meant but either I’m looking for deeper meaning in my surroundings, these are just coincidences, or the universe is fucking with me. I tend to believe the universe is impersonal, that fate is really another term for luck (good or bad), and that nothing above me sends us signals but the correlations lately are staggering.

I actually don’t entirely loathe the idea of working today. Granted, it’s my short day, which is never really short (6-8 hours instead of 8-10) but I don’t want to see my coworkers. I don’t dislike them but I feel I have nothing in common with them. I’ve said that before in a previous post but I just can’t relate. Feeling that way is so weird, as I spend more time around these people than I do near people that I truly care about. When I was on hydro’s or subs I could tolerate them better, as I would just tune them out but now I can’t. I hear all their conversations, their opinions on the prime-time shows they watch, how their kids are a pain in the ass, and so forth. I shouldn’t be so down on them, as this is the way of the world and everybody talks about what they enjoy and dislike (I know I do, especially on this forum). I think I’m just being a brat about having to go in and be in an environment I haven’t enjoyed in a long time except the last two months (actually, more like seven weeks, as I was out for around two weeks during the acute phase, using all my sick and vacation time up) I haven’t had the assistance of drugs. During the rebuilding myself phase, where my energy was shit, I had lost weight because my stomach was wrecked and I couldn’t eat, and everything seemed bleak I was able to ignore them and focus solely on what I was doing and where I was. Now that I’m getting better, I’ve put most of the weight back on, and the constant fatigue is less severe, I can’t tune them out. It’s a cacophony of bullshit.

In case it isn’t obvious, I think today is worse than yesterday but still better than many of the days earlier in this process. Trying to maintain humility and a more positive outlook is difficult today, as I don’t really believe I’m better or smarter than my coworkers but I can’t help feeling selfish and that I am smarter or better than these people. That must sound terrible, as when I read over what I just typed I feel awful about even typing it. It’s weird because now that I re-read it again I feel rotten and think these people are probably better or smarter than I am – they weren’t addicted to painkillers or taking subs or jumping off subs at such a high dose (as far as I know). I think my mind is just a jumble of nonsense today and I’m cycling between feeling annoyed and the desire to keep that annoyance at bay, by being positive and unpretentious. I keep knocking myself off my high horse and I’m aggravated that I’m climbing onto it in the first place but I keep getting on. What the fuck?!?

I think it’s PAWS and readjusting to an opiate-free life but my mind is racing along at ridiculous speeds. One thought leads to another and then another and I have to try and calm it down. Typing is helping but I can’t shake these thoughts. None of them are truly vicious or violent but I can’t say they’re nice either. I don’t like being a mean person or having negative thoughts; I try not to judge people, or judge them too harshly. I don’t want to be that self-righteous man that thinks his opinions or tastes are superior to anybody else’s but I keep going there today and it’s pissing me off. Thankfully, I have projects to work on and hopefully some crisis (or crises) don’t pull me away from working on them today, as I have a bunch of good music I can listen to on my phone and that’ll help the time pass. I’m just happy the weekend is coming up.

For anybody reading this I’m sorry if I sound like a total asshole today. RC and Anne, I hope your days are going well and that you’re still in the fight. I feel I should quit typing soon and face the day. Maybe that’ll help with my mood. There’s a part of me that wishes I smoked pot before leaving the house this morning but I think it would’ve just made my mental state worse and then I would’ve been paranoid at work, thinking my coworkers would know that I smoked pot before coming in. Since I quit smoking cigarettes my sense of smell has come back full force and I know when I smell like I’ve smoked pot. It’s also funny because I remember during the acute phase that everything smelled disgusting, especially cigarettes. I read somewhere that one of the side effects of quitting subs was that cigarette smoke seems appalling and I’m thankful for that side effect as it helped me quit smoking. Now the smell doesn’t bother me. Using a nicotine patch has helped with any physical cravings and I really don’t think about wanting a cigarette except when I’m in large groups of smokers. I can sit next to somebody smoking and hold a conversation without being bothered by the smoke or the desire to smoke. I like that.

Again, sorry if this post seems bitchy. It’s just one of those days and I want to blame PAWS but I don’t know if part of it is just me and I’m just an asshole sometimes. :(
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby rc51guy » Thu May 28, 2015 1:46 pm

Yup - Im with ya man. Its day fifty friggin seven for me. 57 days and this morning was ROUGH. Had an anxiety, restless, craving thing going on. Felt like I was back in acute withdrawal for a few hours. Thankfully that calmed down and I feel a bit better now.

I also cannot get back to sleep anymore like i said...once I am up....Im up. I've been fighting it but I need to start just getting up and getting moving.

We are SO FAR away from the day we quit in our minds, but at every moment we can be SO CLOSE to square one. Gotta keep our guard up. I know its hard to stay positive, I am having a hard time right now with that myself. Its been over 8 weeks....I would like to stop with the ups and downs already. lol Selfish old me wants what I want and I want it now. lol.

I too quit smoking a while ago....used an e-cig to quit. And now I am "tapering" off that. Almost to zero % nicotine.

Keep your head up dude....You've got 8 days on me.. Your that much closer.
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..”
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Thu May 28, 2015 3:40 pm

Thanks RC,

I’m not happy that you’re going through the same thing but it’s nice that somebody can empathize. I took the afternoon off, as I finished a project, somebody got seriously hurt (they need stitches, which really sucks), and it gave me an out. I’m currently at home. I threw on an old Hong Kong movie on Netflix and I’m enjoying that I’m not in the blistering sun or work for the next few hours. Unfortunately, I have to return this evening to clean up some stuff but it shouldn’t take more than 1-2 hours.

That’s awful that you felt like you were in the acute phase again. I just went back and read your first post, about how you tapered down and then three days later your partner had food poisoning and you used again. You were on subs for over two years whereas I was only on them for about 5-6 months. I haven’t had that feeling, like I was back in the acute phase but my time on them was much shorter. I’m sure if I was on them longer I’d get that way. I don’t know how long Anne was on subs but she’s shortly behind you and the last few days have been pretty rough for her. I can’t imagine what that would feel like: being sober for 57 days and then feeling like you’re back at square one. I’m glad it passed and you’re feeling better.

I think part of the reason why I try to sleep more when I know I’m not going to is that I don’t want to get up and face the world. I would get up when I was in the acute phase, as the symptoms were still horrific and laying in bed was worse than being up and sitting on my patio, staring into nothingness or reading about sub withdrawal on my phone. It’s odd because I don’t really feel the desire to use and haven’t recently but I can relate to wanting that feeling. Sitting here and typing this I can remember how it feels and have a yearning to feel that way again. I know I can’t, as I know myself and know that one time would lead to two and the next thing you know I’m trying to figure out how to get a prescription. The only problem is that hydro’s are now a CII and harder to acquire and I refuse to take another sub again, regardless of anything. I’ve never felt that sick in my life and I don’t want to go through that again. I know one day I’ll probably end up with cancer or some other shitty illness and that’ll be far worse but I still have some years ahead of me (hopefully) and I don’t want to feel like that again.

I’m not saying it’s okay to make a mistake and use again but if you’re going to please don’t take another sub. Those things are terrible. There’s this girl on YouTube that’s been posting her progress (she’s probably near where you are and somewhere around 50-55 days clean) and she’s all sunshine, talking about how the negative sub sites are stupid and how she feels great. I kind of want to punch her. Okay, not really but I can also tell that she has a good support system in place and a family that probably pays for everything. She’s also posting videos on YouTube, showing her face to the world and saying, “I’m an addict.” I don’t know how she can do that in this day and age, where everything online seems permanent. Typing on a forum is one thing but putting yourself out there like that seems rash. I deleted my old Myspace from years ago and I'm sure it's accessible if somebody really wanted to look. Our digital footprint is surely strange.

Sorry, I got off on a rant. There is a point to this and it’s that we’re all different and are going to experience withdrawal differently. Yes, the symptoms are the same or very close but their intensity is dependent on so many factors and her one-sided view of subs pisses me off. I can see what people are going through – what you, Anne, and the countless others I haven’t interacted with have gone through – and to say that sub detox isn’t terrible irritates me. I know what I went through and am still going through. That one day at a time AA/NA motto is correct but I’m just not an AA/NA kind of person.

That’s great that you’re quitting smoking. I tried the e-cig but it didn’t work for me. I just smoked more. Just like opiates, I either smoke or I don’t. When I check my bank balance and see the amount of money I haven’t spent on cigarettes it makes me happy. I don’t fault anybody that smokes and I can’t be that self-righteous ex-smoker. I believe I’ve said that before on here and I smoked for too many years to give smokers a hard time. I don’t want them unless I’m around a bunch of smokers at one time. I’m actually avoiding a really great show tonight because they allow smoking in the bar and I don’t think I’m ready to handle that yet. Actually, I’ve missed a good amount of awesome shows because I don’t want to smoke. I’m hoping that by three months away from cigarettes that I’ll be comfortable going to bars or shows again. Right now I’m not.

I’m sorry my reply is all over the place but that’s where my brain is currently. I’ve had some distractions at work today (including that one pretty scary one) but I can’t really keep my thoughts together. It’s kind of weird. I still feel like my mind is sharp, that the thoughts in my head are cohesive but I tend to wander and one thing leads to another and then another and then another.

Keep up the fight and don’t give in. I know it’s tough, especially on a day like today where you felt like you regressed back to the beginning, but don’t let it stop you from staying on course. I know that’s a cheesy saying but it applies.

And being away from work and having a good movie on helps. Just hang in there. I might be eight days ahead of you but you’re doing so well. 57 days is crazy. If that doesn’t convince you, look at YouTube videos and see how many people stop posting after a week. I wonder how many of those people beat this and stayed clean and how many relapsed.

Sorry if that was dark or depressing. Like I said, my brain is racing all over the place today.
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby amery2u » Thu May 28, 2015 10:42 pm

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v/GqmRDV0a_70[/youtube]

haya mates~
Yup, RC..

Wow.... awesome posts, you BOTH rock my world... that's what TEN OR 14 DAYS difference makes!

I've had a productive day; better than the last four. Kids' last day of school; FINALLY told my DAUGHTER EXACTLY WHAT DRUGS WERE INVOLVED in my ADDICTION. Cried for three hours....to myself. It needed to be DONE.

I've SEEN those friggin' DUMBASS YOUTUBE videos and I've NO clue .. I don't know if they are staged, or ...????? I'm usually WAY more expletive or at least assertive, but squaring up with a "perfect" Ginger today took the wind out of my sails, yet I almost feel "free," kind of like when you let the Jib mesh with the Mainsail, as long as you have the ropes...

Stupid analogy, all I have for now... it's 11:36 here; NO SCHOOL TOMORROW~ kids are up, first day OFF...YAY ME.
HANG in guys; I am.

SO many people here REALLY care, and I'm proof of that. It's my LINK to reality; keep it yours, keep it real.

HUGS,
Anne :)
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby rc51guy » Fri May 29, 2015 8:52 am

Thats really good Anne. Im glad you came clean with your daughter. It will make you two closer and make things easier on you. Im sure you feel like a weights been lifted.

Yup - Your post wasn't dark or depressing. Its real and it is what it is. Im doing better so far today and hope you are too. Will type more in a bit!
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Fri May 29, 2015 9:58 am

Anne,

That wasn’t a stupid analogy. I got it. I went sailing a few times when I was a kid and I remember the basic terminology. I doubt I could sail a boat, as it’s been about 25 years, but I remember liking it. Nowadays it makes me think of Sloop John B by The Beach Boys.

I’m glad you talked to your daughter. I know that must’ve been hard (I still haven’t told anybody in the physical world) but I think it’ll be for the best. My parents had substance abuse issues but way more severe than anything I’ve ever done and they never came clean with me. I figured it out on my own and I still have some resentment towards them. Just from my personal experience, where I was aware of what my parents were up to but had to piece everything together, it’s better that you came clean with her. She’s not totally in the dark anymore and you’ve built trust with her. That’ll help in the long run even though it was difficult for you now and I’m sorry that it was rough but like you said: you feel free now. Hold that feeling and remember it if and when you have shit days in the future. I try to do that and it doesn’t always work but sometimes it does.

I don’t know if that stuff on YouTube is fake or not. Some of those people look like they’re going through some shit and the symptoms seem legitimate. We live in an age where people will throw all sorts of stuff online. People seem to forget that we’re in the infancy of the digital realm and sometimes their behavior reflects the period the technology is in. Just look up “Bathroom Selfies” or “Funeral Selfies” on Google Image and you’ll understand. There are some stupid people out there. I honestly feel for many of those people on YouTube and I just hope they didn’t relapse (if those videos are real in the first place).

If my calculations are correct, you’re at day 49. One more until 50. That’s so awesome. I remember hitting 50 and then 60 and those days weren’t anything special. In fact, I remember day 60 being mediocre but those landmarks are important. We measure our lives in numerical increments so without them we’d be lost. You might not feel like those days are important when you’re on them but in hindsight they matter. I’m on day 66 and four days away from ten weeks. I still can’t believe it’s only been just shy of ten weeks since I quit subs. Sometimes those acute days feel like they were so long ago but at other times they feel like yesterday. I’ll never forget trying to go to a stupid furniture store with my girlfriend at around week three, trying to be strong, and barely being able to keep it together. I sat in every chair they had and not because I thought they’d be comfortable but because I felt like shit. I’m so glad to have that behind me.

RC,

I’m glad you’re doing better today. Some days are shit and some aren’t. I still can’t believe you felt like you were back in the acute phase yesterday for a while. Well, I can believe it but I still think that sucks horribly. I haven’t had that. Yes, I had the chills for a little bit on Memorial Day but it wasn’t like I reverted back to my acute detox days; it was more like an annoyance, like the physical version of sitting on being on a flight but you’re stuck on the runway and the captain keeps telling you that you’re next in the queue but the plane still sits there. I can’t imagine what that would be like. Well, I can but I don’t like to.

Today has been going well so far. I actually fell back asleep again after the sun woke me up around 6:30. I woke up two or three times in-between 6:30 and 9am but I didn’t feel like I didn’t want to get out of bed when my alarm went off and that’s weird. It was actually weird to hear my alarm go off. I’m one of those people that set 5-6 alarms on my phone and I used to hit snooze on them before quitting opiates but now it’s different. I’m still going to keep setting 5-6 alarms as it’s become habit and I’m still afraid of oversleeping, even at 35 years old. I think I’m stuck in a state of arrested development sometimes, especially since I don’t have children and I’m not married (anymore). I do some adult things but I also go to the comic shop every Wednesday. I know I’m not alone in being this way as I have friends with Star Wars tattoos and they’re my age or older.

I’m extremely thankful today is Friday (even though I hate that TGIF saying) and that I have two days off. I talked to an old friend yesterday evening on the phone and it was nice. We haven’t talked in about a year and not because we don’t like each other but because life gets in the way. He has a wife and full-time job; I have a full-time job. These things happen as you get older but it was nice to catch up. He quit smoking about a year ago and I didn’t even know. We talked about how, even after a year, he sometimes still wants a cigarette. It’s almost like cigarettes were a stand-in for subs (in my mind) but I’m also almost eight weeks into quitting smoking. At least, I think it’s eight weeks. I’ve kept track of my days off subs more than my time off cigarettes.

I have a serious project and a meeting at work this morning but I’m not worried about it. Yes, I still dislike my job but I’m taking Cheeps’ advice and I’m not going to make any drastic decisions about my career until I’m around the six month mark. I desperately want to change occupations but I’m still going through PAWS so I don’t know if that’s going to work. What if changing jobs brings on that anxiety I had during the acute phase again or the job is more demanding than my current one, even if it is more rewarding. I just think I need my head to clear out a little more before I make drastic decisions like that. The most drastic decision I’ve made so far is to put new windows in at my house but I was going to do that before I quit subs in the first place. Plus, the summer here is going to be brutal, if May is any indication, so I think it’ll be best in the long run. Even if I sell my house in the next few years at least that’ll add a little value to the house and it’ll lower my electric bills, make the house look nicer (both inside and out), and keep the place feeling cooler. Plus, the single pane windows in the bedroom are awful in the morning right now. It never bothered me before but now it’s driving me nuts – I feel the sun and the change in temperature. Like I said before, I’m using a sleep mask but that doesn’t get rid of the sun’s glaring rays coming in and reminding me that I’m stuck in a shitty sleep zone.

I need to stop typing now as I have that meeting at 11am and that’s coming up in a few minutes. Last night my girlfriend made me an excellent dinner and we watched a little Tim and Eric before she had some homework to do and I read for a bit. Not many things make me laugh right now, especially movies or television, but for some reason those two crack me up. I don’t like most everything else on Adult Swim but for some reason those two and their extremely weird show are hilarious to me. This one skit/song in particular killed me last night. I’ll link it at the bottom of my post.

Anne and RC – keep it up. It’s hard but I’m glad you’re both having good days. I’ll check in this afternoon if I can. :-)

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YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR TITLE~~!!!!

Postby amery2u » Sat May 30, 2015 12:46 am

Haya Yuppers;

That Vid is going in my ARCHIVES! Wish i could figure out how to post 'em; no worries.. the ones I really "need" to share; Cheeps got me covered on that... LoL.. (bad grammar on purpose, hehehe...).~!

Idk WHAT got me back to the bad W/D's, Cheeps says STRESS, and yeah, perhaps; can't figure out what the FRIG i was so stressed about; except the kids had a SHIT-TON (DANO loves this word) of stuff to do the last week of school??? No clue... i just DON'T ever need to feel that again... sheesh!

Milestones? I remember going to Denny's after Jamie's soccer game at day 39 . . she won, and I made it thru the game, and Tom said she wanted "Denny's" so I said, OKAY...takeOUT! I parked the car, finished my ciggy, and there they were in a DAMN booth, on a FRIGGIN Sunday! I'm like, are you KIDDING me?!? How I made it thru that, I have no clue. Shit-ton of coffee (that word again,LoL) or... "Fake it till ya make it~!" I just wanted to GO HOME and QUIT PRETENDING i was okay....but I couldn't. I actually quit coffee and iced tea, until that DAY. I MADE IT THROUGH, and actually smiled on the way home. Never expected THAT...... SHEESH.. On to the next subject:

You are more than awesome; you are AMAZING... glad you understood my analogy, as the "hubby" usually doesn't. I still thank GOD I have him on board, as we patched up our differences. He got jealous (as he never has BEFORE) when he got home from work, and I was visiting his brother, with our son. I should've been home, I just need to "talk" sometimes. His bro smokes a ton of weed, and I think he worries that I'll go down that road; which I "def" won't. Kudos to those it works for, but I'm not one of them.

Your posts are so WHOLESOME and INSPIRING..... I simply feel REFRESHED when I read what you share. I know i'm a bit behind YOU (and RC~ where IS HE??) but i'm holding in and holding on. Today threw a few "things" at me; all good, tho. Read my thread; It's awesome. My daughter is amazing; too bad she's still not "okay" with me...from what I can see. I still feel like she's judging me. Wish I could find her someone to talk to; something, anything; to understand that I did NOT intentionally do this to HER or HER brother.

I've asked Cheeps, pretty much in a PM, for help. Maybe she can think of something. I even told my Jamie that ALL HOSPITALS and DETOXES and REHABS in OHIO would just put me BACK ON the shit i'm getting off of. Either she will love me MORE someday, for getting OFF shit and being honest, or...she'll try shit because she hates me. It's a double-edged sword, too sharp to grab atm. I keep her IN THE LOOP.. NO LIES.

Anyway, Yeppers....(my new name for you, so i quit thinking of the damn show) .... you are SUCH a HUGE inspiration to me, and SO many here. I know that..for a FACT. LISTEN to the Fray~How to Save a Life...

SEE???? I get off-track, but yeah; it IS late.. my day took a turn; read my thread...FOR THE GOOD, just..yeah. OH .. lastly... HOW THE HELL did you quit SMOKING?!> seems like ALL i do, in my "spare" time. Well, not working, I guess I have too much of that. I DO HAVE SOME JOB PROSPECTS....like working dispatch for hubby's trucking company, different things. HE doesn't want me back in the restaurant biz. SUX, because I made damn good $.. sacrifices....huh?!?

Yeppers, you are amazing.
Thank YOU for being here, for you, and for ME.

Hope RC is okay; Run is out of town for a wedding; Noots checked in briefly, Dano sent me a WONDERFUL video. I SINCERELY care about you peeps.. Mi~compadre~~!!! :clap: :D :clap: :D

ttys~!!
hugs ~~~ BIG ONES~ :pash:
Anne
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Sun May 31, 2015 7:03 pm

Anne,

You’re right. RC is at two months today. Good job, RC and I hope your day is going well, that you’re feeling okay, and that you’re still off subs. You posted earlier (I believe on Anne’s thread) and I didn’t see any sign of relapse. Keep it up. I remember day 60 as a milestone but I’m certain the day was terrible. If I look back at my posts I could probably see where I was but I remember it was a supposed milestone day for me and feeling like that meant jack shit. I hope your landmark day is going well and isn’t a bummer.

I’m on day 68 and it’s a decent day. I’m not happy and I’m not sad either. I think I’m feeling PAWS to an extent, as I have that feeling of malaise, where nothing is very interesting or stimulating. I’m annoyed that this weekend turned into a party, with people coming over both Friday and Saturday nights, but it could’ve been way worse. Friday night was the better of the two, as it didn’t feature my new neighbors coming over drunk at 1am, planting their asses on my porch, and asking if anybody had pot. I don’t appreciate people I’ve met one time coming over and doing that, at least not people that others can’t vouch for. I know the lady across the street has two kids and this was probably her evening to unwind and get away but it was a little bold and something I wouldn’t do with strangers. It was just off putting. Plus, all of them were very, very loud.

Anne, regarding your daughter and having somebody to talk to, it’s entirely possible she is talking to her friends about it. That’s not a bad thing – those are the people she surrounds herself with and as long as they’re good people they’ll be understanding and empathetic. I had some good friends in high school and they were helpful when I needed to discuss my mother. It also depends on what kind of person she is. I don’t see many negatives if she wanted to see a therapist but that’s something you’d need to discuss with her and your husband. Cheeps may know something or offer better advice than I can.

And yes, your daughter is going to judge you. It’s unavoidable but it’s not about her current judgments. Those are based on raw emotion, as everything’s so current and fresh. The old saying, “time heals all wounds,” while not always correct, may be true in this instance. She’s still growing and maturing. When my little sister was 13 and wanted to watch Taxi Driver I told her no, not because of the violence but because she wouldn’t understand it the same way an adult would. She watched it when she was older and it had a deeper resonance, as she had more experience under her belt and could relate to more. Some people are very mature for their age but they still only have a certain number of years and experiences to draw upon. All you can do is still love her, be there for her, and try to understand any negative feelings she has for you. You’re still her mother and nothing will change that.

As for quitting smoking, I did that with the nicotine patch. I’ve used it before and quit for a year one time, about three months another, and almost two years yet another time. Plus, when I was still in the acute phase the smell of cigarettes was vulgar to me. That helped in the first few weeks and I didn’t have any cravings until I was going on a month without smoking. Then the craving began but only when drinking or around large groups of smokers. The first time I was around a large group after quitting was difficult but I got through it. I keep thinking about the money I’m saving and how my body is getting better from giving it up. My sense of smell has intensified, which was a curse during the acute phase as everything smelled disgusting, but now I like it. I ran the other day for the first time without getting winded. I don’t know if I’ll start running as exercise but I like being able to do it, to have that endurance.

The one thing I’ve avoided this weekend is a shower. Saturday morning I woke up, with the sun and a mild hangover, took some ibuprofen, drank a bunch of water and Gatorade, and went back to sleep. I felt better when I woke up again but felt lethargic. It wasn’t until around 6pm that I started feeling normal again and then people came over for movie night a few hours later. Today is the first day I’ve had to myself and it was needed. My girlfriend is here but she’s hungover from last night and sleeping again. I don’t blame her, as I’m going to shower, eat, and get into bed myself soon.

I’m glad everybody, at least those that have been on here today, is still staying on track. I saw that JungletheDwarf had a relapse but those happen. Like Mano said on that thread, “you’re only fucked when you give up.” It’s tough and even at almost ten weeks it’s not fun, even with the acute phase symptoms pretty much gone or drastically abated. It’s just the not knowing how you’re going to feel, even when things are good, that’s still strange. I can go to bed in a good mood and wake up depressed. I think the intensity of emotion is PAWS but the uncertainty is just life, as you never know what it’ll do.

And this song helped me earlier today.

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"It's just a ride" - Bill Hicks
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby amery2u » Mon Jun 01, 2015 12:22 am

Haya, Yeppers;

My daughter is actually staying "home" for a change tonight; still raw with emotion. Idk if I posted it in my thread or Don P's... but, she was actually 'WITH' me on a lot of the deals she didn't know..THEN. She's SO FUCKING smart and gorgeous....it's KILLING me how i let her down. A part of me still thinks she liked me better, high. I CLEANED MORE/BETTER. I RAN AROUND LIKE A CRAZY WOMAN....for her. I try to now, but I wind down a lot quicker. HELL, I DON'T KNOW. I told her to get on here, and read my posts. I even said that if she sets up a username, I will give her a list of my peeps to message. Never know. If so, i will let u all know.

So, on a good note, she is actually having a "sleepover" with her little brother, my 11 y/o Franklin, at the spare house. She stays there often, but actually, invited HIM (AND THE PETS....hmmmmm that.) I'll deal with that tmrw.

The reperCUSSIONS as to what we DO TO OUR FAMILIES....wow. DAMN. good SONG. I NEED TO BE THE ANCHOR.
I can't figure out for the life of me how to post songs; but listen to Evanescence !~ GOING UNDER . . . just in the moment....

I TOLD her, and my SON, tonight, that I'm SO frigging sorry , and if they'd rather; i'd DIE for them. He has no clue...unless she's telling him atm...

I have to trust my God on that one.

Sorry so long of a midnight post....I'M HURTING for Jungle...the FIRST time I posted was in reply to his thread, btw. And it was GREAT to see MANO post there, too.... Noots is GONE again....or?!?

AGAIN, great song...thank you~
Gnight, I hope, LoL.
Anne~
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Mon Jun 01, 2015 9:59 am

Anne,

The energy thing is so spot on. I was a ball of energy on subs and hydro’s. I didn’t mind working extremely long hours at a job I don’t like for less money than I should be making anywhere else doing the same thing. But that energy was fake, brought on by drugs and not us. It’s odd that people expect opiate users to be these lazy, do-nothing people and the few times I tried harder opiates (like Percocet) I did sit there and do nothing. That was the exception to the rule, as I was constantly doing something while using. I’m still doing things but I tire easier and many days lack the motivation to do things. Today is one of those days.

I’m at day 69 and it’s one of those days where I just feel unhappy and want to go back to sleep. I went to bed early last night (around 10:30) and felt like I’d been sleeping for a few seconds when I woke up at 7am this morning. I fell back asleep for another 90 minutes and in that time had a terrible dream. When I got out of bed it was because I was feeling anxious and was almost panicking from the dream. I was at a theme park and my group was selected at random to get mandated tetanus shots from the police. It seemed suspect and I voiced my concerns but nobody cared. I asked for additional officers, to check the validity of getting tetanus shots at a theme park, but the cops threatened to beat me up and then give me the shot if I didn’t shut up. I was surrounded by thousands of people and nobody cared that I was yelling about being forced to get a shot or getting beat up by the police and then getting a shot. I woke up feeling helpless and that made me freak out a little.

I had some bad dreams during the acute phase and had strange dreams when I’d fall asleep with my nicotine patch on but I’ve been good about taking it off at bedtime for a while now. I think it’s just starting another workweek that’s probably bothering me but that dream felt real, or at least the emotions of it did. I can’t shake that feeling. The other thing is that my stomach feels terrible, kind of like it did in the acute phase, and I don’t feel like I slept very well so my energy is nonexistent. I kind of get where RC was coming from last week when he felt like he was in the acute phase again, as between the stomach, the lack of energy, and the anxiety I kind of feel like I’m back there again also. I went into the kitchen this morning to feed the cats and felt like my life is spiraling out of control yet things aren’t very bad. I put down the deposit on my new windows last week, I have things at work pretty under control, my relationship with my girlfriend is going decently but I can’t shake that feeling of dread this morning. Almost ten weeks off of my jump and I still feel this way. I’m not a fan of it.

I’m not trying to scare anybody and I’m sorry if I am. Things should be better or at least I feel like they should be better. I know that I’m being impatient and I’m not even at 90 days yet but I feel like the PAWS portion of this process is ridiculous and lasting much longer than the acute phase. I worry that it’ll never get better, even though deep down I know it will. It’s just feeling this panicky again is really bothering me and I feel like nothing will make it subside. I know what will make it recede but that’s not an option but that doesn’t mean I’m not tempted. I know I’d say no if I was offered a hydro at the moment, as all the terrible moments of the first 40 days would come creeping back into my head, yet I can’t shake that feeling of knowing what would make me feel better. I get why people relapse but I also know that I can’t. I’m going to be 36 in a little over a month and I need to get my shit together now or I doubt I ever will.

My mother died in her early 50’s from cancer. I know cancer is one of those things that strikes whenever and it’s can happen at any age but I also can’t help but think my mom brought it on herself from years and years of substance abuse. She was a boomer, a hippie, and never outgrew the lifestyle. In fact, she just got worse with age, moving from mild drug and alcohol use to full-on abuse. She was a junkie without remorse and didn’t care what it did to anybody around her. Okay, that was a little harsh, as I have no idea if she felt regret at being so wrapped up in drugs but she never showed it, even towards the end. I don’t want to end up like that; I don’t want to end up in a fucking hospice at 53 years old, weak from years of substance abuse. Damn, that felt like it was dark and I’m sorry.

Anne, I think letting your kids talk about what’s going on is okay. When my mother died my little sisters were only 12 and had many questions about mom and her issues. She kept them in the dark about it and I told them the truth. I always felt like they were precocious but the questions they’d ask were hard to answer sometimes. I felt honesty was the best policy and now that they’re adults they understand it better. I don’t know if they forgive her or if they hate her and maybe I’ll never know but they’re doing well. They’re aware of my past opiate use but aren’t aware of the last 18 months of use or the last 69 days. I told them, like everybody else, that I had the flu and it beat my ass. I think if they were willing to forgive me and still talk to me that they’re okay. Obviously, it’s different with a parent but being open with them and getting off drugs is going to be something they don’t forget. I remember my parents taking me to get drugs when I was a kid; I remember sitting in my dad’s truck while he went inside somebody’s house for a minute or two. I figured it out eventually but they never came clean with me and I think that my lingering resentment towards my parents comes from their dishonesty. Then again, I haven’t told a soul in the corporeal world what I’m going through currently so who am I to judge? The only solace I find is that I’m not hiding a habit anymore – instead I’m hiding a recovery from a habit.

I need to get into work but I’m dreading the walk from my car into the building. Everything feels overwhelming and impossible today. There’s that part of me that knows it’ll be okay, that the absolute worst thing that can happen at my job is they’ll fire me for some reason I’m not aware of. It’s not like I’m going to walk in there and have my coworkers beat the shit out of me. I doubt I’m going to lose my job, as I haven’t done anything to warrant it but I can’t help feeling freaked out this morning. I just hope this doesn’t turn into anger and I end up being mean to somebody. I’ve avoided that so far in the detox process but I worry it’ll happen at some point as my emotions, especially today, are for shit. :-/

Just keep fighting everybody. I know this post was bleak but I refuse to give up. I know things will get better at some point but I just don’t know when.
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby amery2u » Mon Jun 01, 2015 12:36 pm

Awhhhh yuppers~

Wow.... I'm so sorry you are having a day like this. Yet, after that DREAM shit, the COPS trying to "give you a shot," OMIFG.... I can only "imagine." Remember my "really bad dream," where I was stealing my husband's subs out of his locker at an old campground we went to, where years ago I made him snort Oxies with me?!? I was SO freaked out that day; but my writing/posting/owning that awful dream helped. As it should help YOU, putting that out there.

As far as the kids, my daughter & I fought a bit this morning; she wanted to "go out to lunch" with her HS friends, and instead of me just saying "sure" out of guilt, I made her compromise. I mean hell, every DAY is a compromise as a parent! Like I said, she's only 15 but very smart, very mature; almost too much for her own good. At least she let her little brother spend the night with her last night, and I know he really enjoyed that. As far as what they discussed, nobody's talking atm, so I'm just gonna let that ride. When I finally dropped her off for her "lunch date" at noon, she actually said "I love you" to me. That's been something I haven't heard in awhile, so I'm gonna let that "make my day."

Sometimes it's the "little" things that I have to hold on to, like that moment. I have to step back and appreciate what I DO have. I've REALLY been trying to do that these last few days *(week)* as you know I've had more bad days than good. Just like my husband said to me last night, when I got out of the shower/tub. He's like, "Do you remember when you couldn't even DO that by yourself?" I was like, "wow" . . . in retrospect. I know I express myself like a teenager at times, but I'm surrounded by them often, and their phrases resonate.... sorry.
When I set the coffee pot for him in the pm to go off in the am, he always thanks me. I'm still not TOTALLY back to drinking coffee like I used to be, not sure my tummy would appreciate the full-blown caffeine situation just yet, but I'm fine with that. What really has helped is hearing him remind me what I CAN do today, that I could NOT do just 2 months ago. I've got to hang on to that, as minuscule as that may seem.

I can go ALL OVER with this reply; just trying to take things in order, and keep paragraphs, so others can understand and learn from us, should they stop by here and read this. I'm all about helping anyone, in any way I can. That's half the reason I "lost" my job. It was kind of mutual, but eleven years was a long time. I really "loved" my dope-guy, Jeff. My daughter "swears" I had a crush on him, maybe I did. I just adored the guy. We were actually friends outside of work and Subs; I could always call him for ANYTHING I needed. Yet, when a mutual, SOBER, friend told me he was under investigation for drugs etc by METRICH, which is a local drug task force, and I might be called to testify, etc..etc... I was like "OMFG i'm almost 50 years old...what the FUCK am I doing?!?!? IT'S NOT LIKE I'M BACK IN MY 20'S doing coke and ordering Hydro from SkyRx.com on the internet!" I just HAD to walk away. I HATE not having a job at the moment. I kept my benefits & my 401k because I was fully vested, but it's just the point. Wasn't even the BEST job in the world, and I know they "make more," but I'm just not ready to go back to the restaurant world; too many temptations, more drugs than a pharmacy available. I'll get back to work in due time, elsewhere.

My son just came upstairs, thanked me for his scrambled eggs, and told me he loved me as he gave me the BIGGEST HUG AND KISS. Wow. 3 months ago, I would have pushed him away. It's these little blessings I've GOT TO EMBRACE. LITERALLY.

As a child, my mother never hugged me. Never praised me. Never even DROVE A CAR. I was Catholic, but had to go to a BAPTIST church, or none at all, because it's the only bus that came thru our neighborhood. No sports, no GirlScouts, nada. I was in Pioneer Girls & Choir, because the bus came thru. She did NOTHING for me, except bought me a shit-ton of Barbies. I had a whole PLAYROOM dedicated to their houses, cars, pool, skates, etc.. and I don't mean my bedroom. The extra room in the house. She bought me off so she could do "whatever" she was doing ( I know she drank a ton, but idk on the rest ) . . . Then, when she got cancer and I was 13, I HAD TO FEED HER AND BATHE HER, etc..etc...etc.... She died when I was 16, and a Senior in HS. She knew she was ready to give up that night, and called my bro-in-law to take her to the hospital (which she always hated.) I stayed with my sis and Bro-I-L that night, and at 4:23am we got the call; I answered the kitchen phone and they answered in their bedroom, and the Doctor said, "Anna has passed." Sadly, I was relieved.

Okay, see? We all have our "bleak" moments that we need to get "out there," and reflect on. To this day, I'm trying to forgive her. Thirty-plus years later. I envy the people my age that can still call their "mom" when they are having a bad day. Sure, I still have my DAD in Florida, we chat, but it's different. They were divorced when I went thru all that shit with her. He would send me cards and money (that she kept) that I never found or knew about til after she died. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT PARENT TO MY CHILDREN!~ I really believe had she taken CARE of herself, she might still be alive today.

Wow, how the hell did I get off on so many tangents?!? I'm sorry! You are just such an AMAZING PERSON, at the prime of your life, (wish "I" was 36, lol) and your posts, honesty, and depth really touch my heart in a HUGE way. Too bad we don't live closer; a cookout with our families together would be so awesome... and not last 'til 1 a.m.!

I truly hope the rest of your day gets better, and that the dream was just a precursor to your anxiety and feelings of dread. I hate waking up in the morning, feeling like the other shoe is gonna drop. HOPE IT GOT BETTER FOR YOU, DEAR.

Talk to you soon; sorry so long~~!
hugs,
Anne
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby rc51guy » Mon Jun 01, 2015 12:56 pm

How we doing YUP???
“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..”
― John Milton
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby yup. » Mon Jun 01, 2015 1:51 pm

I’m at lunch currently. Thankfully I have an appetite because this morning my stomach felt like it did during the acute phase, where I couldn’t keep anything down but Boost shakes. I think it was just nerves and probably something I ate this yesterday but it brought back memories of the first month, where eating was awful. I remember eating a bowl of oatmeal I picked up at McDonalds one morning and it wasn’t bad but I could barely finish it. I never want to feel that way about food again.

Anne, I’m glad your daughter said, “I love you,” in the car today. Like I said in an earlier post, you’re her mother and nothing will change that. It’ll take her some time but she’ll come around. The older she gets the more she’ll understand, as she’ll gain experience and have the ability to relate that to the world around her. I didn’t talk to my mom for years because of her drug use but that slowly went away. The angst of youth eventually disappears and you’re stuck looking at issues from your past in a different light. I’m glad your son is still young and while he may question your past he’ll look at it differently. He’s still a tween but that’ll change. As long as you’re there for them that’s what’s important and will stay with them. All the other issues will recede to the background as long as you love them and show your support when they need it.

I didn’t grow up with a ton of luxuries but I didn’t go without either. I was raised primarily by my grandparents (because of my parents’ issues with drugs) and it wasn’t until my grandmother passed away that I went to live with my parents. That didn’t last long and we all ended up living at my grandfather’s house. That was even worse, as he was old and getting senile and there were two junkies and a teenager living in his house. I tried keeping to myself but that was a task and a story for another day. Thankfully, I wasn’t raised with very much religion. My mom was Jewish but didn’t practice and my father was raised Roman Catholic and didn’t want me going through that ordeal. I guess they looked out for me in some ways. :-)

RC, I hope you’re having a good day. Today has been a big pile of shit but at least it’s already halfway over. I’m not alone, as my girlfriend had terrible dreams also and ended up sleeping in until after noon. She’s usually up way before that but this weekend was a long one, involving lots of drinking on both our parts. She actually maintained and didn’t get plastered, which was nice and I think she’s working on drinking too much too quickly and trying to pace herself. It’s caused problems in the past and I think she’s trying to be better. I don’t mind her drinking, as I’ll drink on the weekends sometimes, but there’s a difference between drinking and getting shit-faced.

Anne, hang in there. I’m sorry if I’m kind of a downer today but that’s just how it feels. This whole process is still, after nearly ten weeks, a huge ordeal and a significant life change. I want the change, I want to be free of opiates and feel like I’m doing the right thing but it’s still difficult to transition from using subs, jumping off a high dose (like an idiot), and readjusting to the world around me. There’s days like today where I feel I need some kind of rehab facility, where I can be away from everything but I have too much going on for that. Plus, I only feel like that once in a while. Most days, even when they’re bad, I don’t feel like I need to be sequestered from the world. Today, unfortunately, is one of those days but I keep telling myself that it’ll get better, that this is just temporary, and as time goes by the negative, anxious thoughts won’t be as intense. It’s just PAWS and impatience.

I need to get back to work. Keep fighting and don’t give up. I know that sounds weird coming from me on a day like this but I hope it helps. Typing it out helps. :-)
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Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby cheeps » Mon Jun 01, 2015 3:27 pm

Congrats both of you high jumpers for being so wise as to recognize the damn PAWS when you feel it. I don't know about you two but there is a pattern for mine. The first thing i notice is off smell. Everything gets smellier and some shit turns my stomach. I think this activates the nerve cells in the stomach, after all, it is our second brain.....then I feel the mental....someone said the doomsday feeling...that nails it. I HATE this part and like you guys, I tell myself it all a part of the opiate bullshit that paralyzes us at times. Yup....you and amery have done a awesome job of describing mental PAWS. I need to print this shit out and put it on the wall along with the mantra I tell myself over and over....."this is not you. You aren't really like this. This your brain dipping down....low on endorphins. Stay busy. There are good peeps out there."

The good news is....we are the keepers of the good spiritual world. We do outlast the evil shit. Pretty soon we get busy, feel better and quit hating life. We are that sensitive to others needs....and are here asking for the education we need to get through this shit. We have to learn to put ourselves first in the right ways and be a little selfish during this time. That goes against my nature but it's the truth.

Anne, your honesty to your children will reap many mommie rewards for you. Your honesty with Tom is incredible. The stuff you post about him is incredible....I don't know him but .....he's got to be a loving man. When the kids leave the nest, you and he will be together for a long time. So I'm glad you got this chance to see that your partner is in it for the long haul. That is very important.

Yup...., you are a man after my own heart. I hope your girl friend can treasure you through this but you do have to bare your soul....and you don't want to. i guess you don't trust her? Something holds you back but it's all good. I think now, once you get some months behind you, you will be more demanding of a better life for yourself. Fuck....you deserve it. So do what you have to do to get it....yup is the bomb! It's just getting through this time. Nobody in the other world understands that it does take too much time to get off the sub train. :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: LAO's are the work of chemists. They need to get on the sub train. :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :deadhorse: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

Yup.....I get the no trust issue....with all you had to put up with in your childhood, no one was really aware of your feelings and hurts. I think we grow up really guarding ourselves when this has happened. If I'm wrong then smack me silly. But I feel like that's what makes us strong, able to do this, saying that WE aren't going to do what our parents did to us gives us the strength to fight damn near anything. We dosed for years to cover the pain and lack of closeness we yearned for....now we are old and jaded enough to face the the kid in us and say, "adios. You are a great kid, but you can rest now....it was their bullshit that fucked you up, you are fine just like you are. Don't question yourself."

One another note for all PAW peeps....fuck the people that are destroying the world. Live, volunteer, love, and do what you can in your world. Don't feel responsible for world issues that are disturbing. At some point down the road when you aren't sick...you can stand up for issues you don't like. Doing it now is simply not plausible. PAWS really digs up all the mental fears we have.....the brain is showing you placards of things you have behind doors....it's like these little stick men are whipping out the placards....showing them, laughing at your fears and then stowing them away. Now that sounds crazy but when I'm in mental PAW...that's what happens to me. :lol: :gaah: :gaah: :gaah: :gaah: :lol:


10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
User avatar
cheeps
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Posts: 9363
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

Re: 49 Days Off Subs and Today was Terrible

Postby cheeps » Mon Jun 01, 2015 3:39 pm

i love the lyrics


I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9363
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

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