Freedom From Fear

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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby celticpride4Life » Thu Apr 28, 2011 1:46 pm

Well you certainly sound allot better now in your post's. I sometimes go back and read my old posts and cringe with embarrassment with drunken rambling and repetitive "ground hog day" boo hoo poor me relapses. And yeah you don't even know how Ratch saved my ass when I first got on sub. Without him, I'd be down by the river under a bridge living in a van! It is comforting having others to be fucked with lol! Keep on updating my brother.

~CelticPride
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Fri May 06, 2011 8:48 am

Hey Everyone, especially CP for the private message. I would have replied to your private message, but I'm too lazy to fuck around trying to figure out how to use it. To the best of my ability to calibrate it, I'm down to .0325 mg of Sub. I can't feel a thing when I put it under my tounge. I'm sure it's a habit, and at that dose a placebo for chrissake! I've got a few more days left at that dose and then I think it's time to say bye bye. As to how I feel, usually in the morning I have this pretty heavy non-specific anxiety. As the day wears on I realize I am still manic, but it has come down a lot. Yesterday, I went for a walk with my dogs, and the desire to jog came over me. So I ran at a pretty good clip four tiimes until my lungs were sucking in air raggedly, and my heart was pounding so hard I felt like it was going to burst right out of my chest. When I got home I sat on the back steps and was happy, but whipped, but I recovered in 15 or 20 minutes. I went off to work, and just felt happy to be alive, and that the boys (Alphie and Winston) had some extra fun. I usually take Alphie to a park and throw a tennis ball for him to fetch until he cries uncle by laying at my feet gasping, and his tongue hanging out and drueling like crazy. What a game dog he is. We work on behavior together every day, and he is so happy to please, it's touching to see. Anyway, other than the anxiety, and continuing mania I'm doing allright. Man, I just can't emphasize enough what a fucked up drug Sub is. Best to all. Brit48
Last edited by Brit48 on Sat May 07, 2011 7:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby celticpride4Life » Fri May 06, 2011 2:25 pm

Good to here from you Brit and congrats on your taper, your tearing it up! It's crazy how such a tiny piece of that crap can hold you over. How has the sleep been?


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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Sat May 07, 2011 6:59 am

Hi CP and all,
About a month ago I called the clinic I go to and talked to my couselor and told him I thought I was losing my mind due to lack of sleep, and the mania and anxiety it caused. Let me state, that I have always ran full tilt as long as I can remember. However, I was really losing it. I was freaking people out, at home, at work, and people that I ran into on elevators, at the coffee shop I frequent, and on the street. I'd just walk up to people and start conversations with them, I was practically babbling. As a matter of fact, I ran into the District Attorney here in Milwaukee, who is often in the papers and on TV, and laid my best lawyer joke on him. Fortunately he laughed heartily. I've always had the ability to talk to strangers and engage them quickly. In fact, that is why I am so good at sales, and training sales people. That's what I do for a living; recruit and train sales people. No bragging, it's just how I'm wired, high octane, gregarious, glib and an unabashed extrovert. But man, I was way over the top! I still have the mania, but it has decreased some, and seems to be the last vestige of my Sub withdrawl. But, I can't delineate what is really me, or what is caused by the lack of Sub. 'Strange days indeed'. (John Lennon.) The best thing I could do, is just keep my fucking mouth shut; but I am really struggling with that. Impulsivity is part and parcel of mania.
Back on track: My counselor agreed with my self-diagnosis, and came into the room where I Skype with my shrink, who I have said, resides in Israel. I wanted the couselor there to add to the veracity of my self-diagnosis. The shrink prescribed Seroquel 200mg, and diazapam 10mg for two months, then we'll see where to go from there. (Seroquel is $11 per pill. Fuck me!) I take a Seroquel and a Valium about 15 minutes before bed. They have been a big help. I slept six hours last night, sometimes I sleep seven. Falling asleep is not a problem, it's staying asleep. As far as I can ascertain, this is my only present problem. I don't have any depression, or seem to have any PAWS that I can percieve. The thing is, I just don't trust my thought processes or judgement, and it will be awhile until I am able to do so. Physically, I feel better than I have in years. So I guess the bottom line is; I'm not doing too bad. An example of my mania though, is how long this relpy is. But, needless to say, I am quite touched by your concern. Write soon please. Best. Brit48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Wed May 11, 2011 6:38 am

Hello All,
Well the mania has decreased quite a bit. Last night I slept seven hours. Today is my third day without any Sub and although I just got up 10 minutes ago, I feel pretty good. Now free floating anxiety. Still smoking too much, if there is such a thing. I'm alone in the house for a week, me and the dogs. Glorious! I think there's a pretty good chance I might make it. Best! Brit48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Sat May 14, 2011 8:30 am

Hi Everybody,
Day 5 no Suboxone. I have sneezed a couple times everyday, no yawns though. I'm not in a good mood, I'm not in a bad one. Really hard to describe where I am emotioanally and psychologically. But, things could be much worse. I do hope that I have been lucky enough to have turned the corner. Best. Brit48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby celticpride4Life » Sun May 15, 2011 1:08 am

Day 5? Wow my friend! Your doing this damn thang! Your mood will ebb and flow for a while, and sleep will no doubt be evasive as well. I am surprised that you are sleeping at all really. I have insomnia with or without opiate WD's and I know it is maddening. I'm sorry I have not posted to you in a while, been kinda going through some shit too. Your progress brought a rare smile to my face however. Please keep it up!
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Sun May 15, 2011 6:14 am

Hi CP,
Just got up and saw your notice in my email. Thanks. Slept from 9:30 PM to 5:15 AM. My shrink gave me Seroquel 200 mg. They make a big difference. He was pretty cool, and said I could stay on them for a few months, until I got back to something near normal sleep patterns. I also have Valium 10 mg, he said to take one of those and a Seroquel when I go to bed. They knock me out pretty good. I would have slept longer if it wasn't for my dogs. Love them as I do, it still pisses me off when they wake me up. So day 7 today. I don't think I'll be going back. All things cosidered, I'm feeling pretty good. I think my very long taper down to .03125 mg was the key. It was maddeningly slow, but I think that was the trick. It took some fancy work with a 100 ml baby syringe and water measurements to get there; you have to factor in the volume displacement of the 2 mg Sub pill. I've got 4 of them left on the window sill above my desk as I write. They are not even a consideration. I'm going to give them to a friend who is tapering, but still at 8 mg. He's scared shitless. but I said I'd do all I can to help. I know I never would have reached this point if I had jumped at .5 or .25 mg. I don't notice any PAWS either. Maybe I'll get lucky with that too. No mood swings, no depression at all. Just deliberately playing it down the middle emotionally for awhile as best I can.

I guess I should be happy that I got this far, but I just feel like it's about damned time, you know? To be honest work has helped too, it keeps me occupied, and due to an inherited talent, I'm good at it. It's helpful to be good at anything besides taking drugs when you are an addict. I wrote a piece to Hopefully Hopeful, I haven't seen a reply. I believe she is a young woman, and she really needs our help and support. See if you can give her a little help, she seems pretty desperate. Thanks for your encouragement!!! Brit48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Wed May 18, 2011 7:58 am

Well this is day 10 of no sub. I swear I never thought I'd get here. I feel pretty good, both emotionally and physically. Yesterday I gave my last four 2mg subs away. I was sick of seeing them on the window sill above my desk. I read my story over this morning and shuddered. Too long, too self-indulgent, and it spews withdrawl mania. I am tempted to take it down, it's embarassing to read all that drivel. No turning back now. Thank God! Best. Brit48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby 620tcat » Wed May 18, 2011 8:08 pm

Brit48 wrote:Well this is day 10 of no sub. I swear I never thought I'd get here. I feel pretty good, both emotionally and physically. Yesterday I gave my last four 2mg subs away. I was sick of seeing them on the window sill above my desk. I read my story over this morning and shuddered. Too long, too self-indulgent, and it spews withdrawl mania. I am tempted to take it down, it's embarassing to read all that drivel. No turning back now. Thank God! Best. Brit48


I hear ya on the reading your story, and wanting to take it down. Everyone feels like that at some point but I leave my story up so I can remember the hell of it all. Someone , Ratch or Captain Cake told me to read my old posts as a reminder. I can assure you no one thinks any less of you for spewing withdrawl mania, quite the opposite actually.
I spewed more mania than you (it is at another site if you want to read it and feel better)
Way to go on the day 10 deal. Downhill from here. :cheers2:
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby celticpride4Life » Thu May 19, 2011 5:46 am

Brit48 wrote:Well this is day 10 of no sub. I swear I never thought I'd get here. I feel pretty good, both emotionally and physically. Yesterday I gave my last four 2mg subs away. I was sick of seeing them on the window sill above my desk. I read my story over this morning and shuddered. Too long, too self-indulgent, and it spews withdrawl mania. I am tempted to take it down, it's embarassing to read all that drivel. No turning back now. Thank God! Best. Brit48


HAHAHA! Take a gander at my neurotic diatribe that I have been posting for YEARS LOL! I read it and wonder, "who the fuck is this weak piece of shit!" :lol: But whatever my brother, we are who we are. And from where I am sitting, you come off like a great intelligent man and that's no bullshit my brother. Keep getting well and God Bless.

~CP
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Thu May 19, 2011 10:22 am

Dear CP,
Popeye said it best: "I am what I am, and that's all what I am." Slightly existentialist, but never the less true, and funny when you imagine it in his cartoon voice. Thank you for the compliment on intelligence. However, it is sometimes unfortunately a double edged sword: Intelligence breeds sensitivity, and for addicts too much of it. God bless you too! Best, Brit48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Fri May 20, 2011 6:22 am

Well day eleven turned out to be pretty tough. Panicky and very anxious for awhile. Got to sleep thanks to sleep meds at 10:30 PM and then up at 4:30 AM. Feel OK so far, but I have a 13 hour work day today because of a special project. Jesus, I hope I can make it. Best, Britt48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Sun May 22, 2011 8:01 am

Today is 2 weeks no Suboxone. Suprisingly I feel pretty good. The only thing that I have noticed over the last few days is I get this strange physical feeling, something like a mild electrical buzz throughout my body. It lasts for a few minutes and then goes away. Last night I took 10mg of Valium at about 9:30 PM and slept until 2:15 AM, to see what would happen if I skipped the Seroquel. Lots of dreams, which I don't usually remember. When I woke up I knew that if I did't take the Seroquel I would not be able to sleep anymore. So I took one, and slept until 7AM. I cannot express enough how much sleeping well makes such a difference.

Went to a BYOB Rapture party last evening just to get out of the house for awhile. Got there just before 6 PM when the Rapture was supposed to start, with a sixpack of tonic water and 4 big boxes of Milk Duds for the ride up or down. These religious fanatics have been making me nuts for a couple of weeks at work, talking about the Rapture and playing Christian music on their I-Phones. I was sure it was bullshit all along, and mostly went to the party to fuck with the idiots that had been blabbering on. For years I have not gone to work related parties because I don't want to lose what repect I have for the people I work with by seeing them shitfaced. Last night reaffirmed my conclusion: Working with people, and socializing with those same people is to be avoided. Best. Brit48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Sun Jul 03, 2011 5:53 am

Nothing much to say except that eight weeks ago today I took my last dose of Suboxone. A friend I am helping to get off Sub says I should feel like rejoicing. I don't feel that way at all. I just have a sense of relief. It took so long, and parts of it were such a lonely journey. My friend is down to 6 mg, and is scared witless, and asks me how long until he can stop. The answer is it will be a while yet. Best, Brit48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby So Cal » Sun Jul 03, 2011 10:21 am

Wow,,,finally read the whole thing!!,,man,,dont you have any thoughts or feelings to share??!!,,lol,,Im just fuckin with ya,,you got it all out and thats good,,but i wouldnt worry about editing and re-editing,,too much hassle,,for me anyway,,when i post i just sit down and speak from the heart and if what i say is not right,,then i guess i have heart problems!!lol,,,keep postin and once you get to know everyone it becomes easier to just sit down and talk,,like you would with someone over coffee.
Your an old thang ,,like me,,(55),,and have been through alot,,as most of us have ,,and hopefully you'll find your little nick in here with the rest of us fuck ups! ;)
Tattoo Tommy

to get to know me better you can click on my story at bottom of post,,or,,the thread right below yours in the personal story section,,those who know frieda,,(my wife).
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Tue Jul 05, 2011 5:04 am

The reason for the edits and rewrites was to try to get it down from novella length to where it is now. Truth be told, it also gave me something to do with all the energy of the mania. Than God it is starting to slowly subside, but like every thing else, too slowly for me. I am trying to determine what other effects I have eight weeks post Suboxone. It is so difficult to be objective about your own psyche and emotions knowing full well that there must still be some pieces missing. We are not old, we are seasoned, making us more valuable than ever. Brit 48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby So Cal » Tue Jul 05, 2011 10:12 am

Thats the secound time in my life anyone has ever said i was seasoned,,,well,,almost,,a guy told me when i was 23 just startin my time that i'd be a seasoned man when i got out!,,lol,,ok,,were seasoned!,,but what the fuck!,,do we live in alaska or something!! :laughpound: ,,a little too seasoned,,its time to roll over and get the other side done! :)
seriously though ,,i like that,,means we CAN change with the seasons!,,,were ,,just a little slow!,,,but it seems aot of folks here are in the frame of mind for change,,and thats a beggining,,for me though sub is gonna probably be a part of me till the bitter winter season when i die,,,but unlike most of you i cant really tell the affects of sub on me cause im already fucked up in the same way after the month in coma,,It was a few months after thaT ,,that i began sub,,(04),,and already felt what what everyone describes when they talk about sub changin on you,,im down to and stayin aT 2mgs,,and workin on gettin off neurotin,,(also a med that i wasnt told was addictive),,then,,its time for klonopin,,which after close to a couple yrs at 4mgs a day is gonna be a bitch!,,then who knows?,,in the future i may change my mind which i do more than females do,,i might try and get off!,,just not thinkin that far ahead yet,,one thing at a time.
And as far as your editing,,you wrote really well,,,and you can do what i used to do when i started my story yrs ago,,just a little each day,,,sometimes it helps just gettin stuff said ,, and whatever you say is just a way to sorta have a release and it can be fun just talkin straight from the heart and getting things said honestly and openly.
I dont write much on my story after frieda passed,,that was like an ending to the story for both of us.,,,but as wierd as it may sound i still act like im talkin directly to her in the,,those who knew frieda thread.,,,Ive came a long way since oct. 4th 09.,,wasnt sure i was gonna make it,,and wouldnt have except for havin kids left me no choice,,so its like they say,,,ONLY TIME will help.
Anyway,,now that i know how valuable i am,(seasoned),,,maybe i better start takin better care of myself!!,,lol,,,valuable enough to maybe start thinkin gigilo? :shrug:
TT
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Tue Jul 05, 2011 11:05 am

Yes you are valuable, to yourself to your children, and even more now to Frieda, now that she cannot be here to help you in person. For myself, I cannot go forward without the thought that those we have loved who have gone before us are still somewhere near, perhaps even helping us somehow because they are now capable of truly unconditional love. Think of how beautiful she must think you are because you are so unique to the universe, there is only ever going to be one of you. How much better can you get than that? Brit 48
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Re: Freedom From Fear

Postby Brit48 » Thu May 31, 2012 8:50 am

Hello All,
One year later. I have not had any sub. What an awful drug.How anyone can subscribe that shit and sleep at night is beyond me. Howeveryou can quit and go on. Life does get better. Slowly. It took months until I began to feel normal again. Whatever normal is. But I am so much better off than I was. I cannot tell you how much you have all helped me in the past year. I have not posted, but I read posts on the site regularly. If any one needs some help, just ask. There is no need to let Suboxone define you if you really don't want it to.
Best,
Brit48
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