The Wrong Way -My detox journal 2015

Please post, share, or read your personal story here

The Wrong Way -My detox journal 2015

Postby Martin » Sat Feb 10, 2018 11:53 am

I kept a journal when I jumped from 2-3mg of suboxone back in 2015. I tried to clean it up a little and make it easier to read, but I just don't have time. It's really nothing more than a manifest of what comfort meds I took,
and how I felt (miserable most of the time) I thought If this worked for me others might want to try it and that's really the only reason I kept track of it. Sorry-it's pretty boring.

If anybody wants to know, no I don't call it a success. I think using SAO's as comfort meds just extends the misery. The RLS didn't stop until I stopped taking them, and I don't feel like I started healing until I quit them. I wouldn't recommend jumping from 2-3mg either - the misery is never ending. Even at 9months I was still asking "When am I going to feel normal again?"

I didn't keep dates, but I started somewhere in the middle of December. So, here ya go.

Day one.
Nothing to report really. I took 2 7.5 hydrocodone in the morning. And two in the late afternoon.
The only symptom is anxiety. I keep thinking that it isn't too late to turn back.
I felt like this was a hasty decision and it wasn't planned out enough. But I stuck to my guns and
didn't touch any Suboxone. Today is Thursay, I woke up this morning and ran
for 30 minutes. And I went to the office for a few hours.

Day two
Things are still going good. Slept good last night. 2 hydros in the morning, 2 at night. I am starting to
feel a little bit tired and lethargic, but nothing extreme. I decided to take Tramadol tomorrow
to change things up (At this point I actually believed you could use Tramadol to get off other opiates
because it's so chemically different) Anxiety is high due to fear of the unknown. The worst usually comes
on day three which is tomorrow. Day 2 I took 4 7.5mg Hydrocodone. I took
the recommended dosage of Nyquil before bed. (In hindsight, Nyquil is a terrible thing to take for
Opiate Withdrawals, it has an antihistamine in it which is similar to Benadryl - which aggravates RLS to a
painful extreme.)

Day Three
Today has been the worst day so far. It is Saturday. I woke up this morning and I ran for
40 minutes and took a long hot shower. I felt like a million bucks when I got out of the
shower. I was still very anxious about taking pain pills, I'm worried I am just extending my
addiction or I am just trading one addiction for another. (In hindsight - I was!) The exercise rush didn't last long.
As the morning progressed the sickness got worse and worse. It didn't get unbearable,
but at one point the exhaustion and dysphoria overcame me like a tidal wave, and the
only thing I could do was lay down and try to rest. It was at this point that I knew
the withdrawals had officially started. I held out as long as I could and I took two 50mg Tramadol
which I felt guilty for taking. Once the Tramadol took effect, I felt ok. Not great, not high, just ok.
Kinda the way I feel when I'm clean and I take an aspirin for a bad headache.
I mostly sat around and watched television and played with my kids. AT 11 am I took another 2 50mg Tramadol, and yet
another 2 at 5pm. I notice that I don't have the usual side effects like
itching. I don't think the Suboxone is out of my system. Tramadol makes me
itch like crazy. I feel bad, but I don't feel terrible.
Day 3 I took 6 50mg Tramadol and Nyquil before bed.



Day 4
The itching starts! Sleep last night was poor due to itching all night from the tramadol.
This likely means that suboxone isn't blocking other opiates - and
I'm getting that poison out of my system! (hindsight- no you didn't! it takes
alot longer than 4 days to get that shit out of your body!)
Leg spasms have decreased in intensity but they are still there.

Today I am noticing that eating causes me some adverse effects-after eating
I get a cloudy head, downturned mood, and my energy level crashes. I also
have a crawling scalp. I feel pretty drained today. I had a second wind in the
late afternoon (probably from taking Tramadol) and I helped my wife move
some furniture. I started feeling dizzy and I was unable to finish the job.
I spent the rest of the afternoon watching television and playing guitar.
I am suffering today, more than the previous days. But again, it's not unbearable, it's not enough
to make me want to go back to Suboxone. I'm very anxious about when the day
comes that I can't fall back on the pain pills. Today I took 7
Tramadol and again, a dose of Nyquil before bed.


Day 5
I didn't sleep well last night. I had muscle spasms in my leg all night that
made me very anxious (that they were going to cramp up) and they make me very
anxious that more physical symptoms are going to surface. I felt
ok when I woke, I did my usual run for 30 minutes, and again
I felt good after a shower. But not good enough to forgo the short term
pain meds. Today I took Hydrocodone because I think switching between
two different kinds of medications will decrease the likelihood that I will
have any withdrawals from either of the two. (Hindsight - God, what was
I thinking?) I went to my office today - School has let out, but there were alot more people
there than I thought, so I took 3 7.5 Hydrocodones and I felt pretty good throughout the
morning. I did feel a certain amount of remorse for taking so many pills.
I took another 3 after lunch, but the afternoon didn't fare as well.
I felt really tired and irritable. I tried to go for a walk around
the campus, but the muscle spasms started in on me and I had to turn
and limp back after walking about one block. So I went home. Today I took a total of 6 7.5mg
hydrocodones, and because I took so many in the morning, and after
lunch, I didn't allow myself to take any more the rest
of the day. I forgot to take my Nyquil before bed, but I did decide to take
one .5 mg clonazepam and within an hour I felt very very sleepy
and I fell to sleep without any problem.

Day 6
Sleep was very very poor last night. I was awoke with a painful leg cramp. I held
out for an hour before taking one hydrocodone. I didn't fall asleep for another
hour after that. I think the fact that I took the pain pills so early in the day
yesterday is why I had such a bad night last night.

Today by far is the worst of the physical symptoms. The leg spasms
are more intense today than any day. I have been drained all day.
I reduced the hydrocodone dosage and spread it through the day
because I felt like I was giving myself too much freedom yesterday
and if I kept taking that many at a time it wouldn't take long
to slip into a habit. So I took 2 in the morning, 2 in the afternoon,
and 2 in the late afternoon. So I feel like its progress,
pitiful and shameful, but progress.
I took 6 7.5 mg hydrocodone today.


Day 7
Last night was the worst night by far. I took a Clonazepam before
bed and quickly got some precious and needed sleep. Unfortunately I
awoke a couple hours later completely drenched in sweat with chills, and the
worst case of restless leg syndrome I have ever had. I held out for an
hour before shamefully taking a half of a hydrocodone. Then I waited for
what seemed like forever and I got no relief after pacing around
the house and just sitting on the couch to keep my legs busy. I
took the other half of that hydrocodone and after about an hour
I finally fell to sleep around 3 am. Today the leg spasms seemed to be gone.

Today I switched to Tramadol. I took 2 in the morning.
1 in the afternoon, and before bed I took Nyquil, 1 .50 Clonazepam,
and a half of a 50mg Tramadol. I slept like a baby
with no disturbances.

Day 8
I am on a 4 day Christmas vacation. I feel good today.
I woke up and ran. It is noon and I have taken no
Short term pain meds. I feel good!!!! I'm going to
hold out as long as I can and hopefully take no
Tramadol or Hydrocodone, but I am alotting myself
1 50mg Tramadol. If I need to I will take half of it
to get me through the day, and then I will take the
same cocktail I took last night to help me sleep.
I intend to follow this plan for another
week - half of tramadol if needed during the day,
and a half before bed, with Nyquil and .50mg of Clonazepam.
I will make the final jump during the 3 day weekend on
New Years Eve. I will probably suffer some insomnia
after I quit the Tramadol, but I will be free and
that is priceless.

Day 9.
My post yesterday was premature. After eating some Taco Bell for
lunch, my condition steadily worsened. I kick myself in the ass for eating
this garbage because normally I am very careful about what I eat, but since I have
been sick, I have let my gaurd down. I took a tramadol and
felt better for about an hour or two. I took half a tramadol later
on, and felt better for awhile. Not for long though. I took my cocktail
around bed and slept very good. Total Tramadol day 8 was 2 50mg tabs.

Today, I have taken no Tramadol. I have felt like I have the flu all day long.
I feel hot, cold, cloudy headed, and achy all over. I barely function.
It is Christmas and I felt so bad I couldn't assemble toys for my kids,
and I had to cancel going to a Christmas party.


It is about 5pm and I am about to take a tramadol or a hydrocodone. I'm paranoid because
I don't know if I'm suffering from Sub withdrawal or if I just have a bad Cold. (Hindsight-
I had never had withdrawals longer than 7 days and I was already getting impatient
as to when I was going to feel better - and I started thinking that maybe I just
had a bad cold. Funny how a bad cold always shows up when you are withdrawing!)


Nevertheless. I need just a little relief. I took two hydros. God this is pathetic.
I pray this helps. I still have a pretty good supply of pain pills. I have
been pretty strict on myself. But the fear I'm having is that they are all opiates,
and all I am doing is feeding one addiction, not two addictions. The
theory here is that since low dose pain killers and Suboxone are so different chemically and
one being full agonist and the other being partial....that low dose pain killers can
be used to relieve withdrawal symptoms from Suboxone. But what if they're wrong? What if if both
medications just contribute to feeding ONE ADDICTION? I've got to calm down about this. After all,
some in-patient detox centers use tramadol to ease the withdrawal symptoms of their patients. Right?
I am not taking them compulsively, and I'm certainly not taking enough to get high.

Day 10.
I certainly feel better than I did late yesterday after a good sleep, a long run and a hot shower.
But, I still feel sick. Today I have decided to treat this like it's just a bad cold. I went to the
pharmacy and bought some Sudafed. (Hindsight - BIG MISTAKE, DO NOT TAKE SUDAPHED WHILE YOU ARE
WITHDRAWALING FROM ANYTHING!!!!!) I am hoping it will dry up my sinuses, and give me a little boost of energy so
that I don't sit around all day focussing on feeling bad. I'm giving myself only 2 pills today if I should
need them. So, I am going to have to hold out extra long. It's 10:30 am and so far I feel no need to
fall back on them.

The sudaphed did wonders for me. (UNTIL IT WORE OFF AND PUT YOU IN RLS HELL) It took away most of the
symptoms that were bothering me the most, namely
the lack of energy and the body aches and it helped with the runny nose as well. I did
a quick search on the internet and it appears that Sudafed is not a popular remedy
to those suffering from any kind of opiate withdrawals.....(TAKE A PILL AND THEN RESEARCH
IT - NICE WORK MARTIN!!!!)Remember, I am at day 10, and I'm not even sure I am suffering from
withdrawals at this point.

I'm drinking beer for the first time in 8 months. (Hindsight - Sub withdrawals, Tramadol,
Hydrocodone, Klonopin, Sudaphed, and now Alcohol? Fuck it!!! Why Not?????? You are model of abstinenance and sobriety Martin!)
This beer buzz is the best I have had in a year. It feels so
good!!! It never felt like this when I was on Suboxone. And, I do not intend
to take 1.5 hydros today. The beer is making me feel so good.
It's so good to be back!!! I know I might wake up with a hangover
tomorrow and probably feel even worse than I did on day 4 (you should have
been so lucky)

Day 11
Alcohol and sudafed was a mistake. Once the alcohol started wearing off I started feeling really
really sick. Restless Leg Syndrome set in 2 hours before I went to bed....I was sick and wanted to rest, but my legs wanted
to move and wouldn't allow me to sit still. I took my first Tramadol of the day with
a Klonopin. An hour later I couldn't feel it was working, so I took a half a Tramadol
with another Klonopin. It calmed me down a little. I went to bed, but my legs
were relentless. I desperately wanted to go back to sleep, and I almost
cried because this was the worst symptom I have had in a week and I aggravated
it by drinking beer and taking Sudafed. So, I took two Hydrocodone.
One step forward, two steps backward. I feel awesome this morning,
but I'm really afraid that it's just the hydrocodone that's still
lingering in my system, so I am not celebrating. I have to stop taking
pain meds completely on Thursday because that is the two week mark and I have to take
into account the adverse effects I am going to have from
stopping those. (Hindsight - this was just the beginning)


Day 12
Day 12 started out ok. I was pretty tired. The RLS was pretty bad last night
despite the "cocktail". (half a tram, 1 .25 Klonopin, and Nyquil). Nevertheless
I woke up and ran for 30 minutes. The RLS actually started bothering
me while I was wide awake. My arms started in on me too. I have
never had "Restless Arms Syndrome" I almost want to say that
this was the worse day. The RLS was unbearable, I'm very irritable and stressed
out, and I find myself snapping at things that I couldn't have cared less about
before. But what bothered me the most today is the RLS. After 12 days, I would think
it would have gotten better, not worse. Taking half a tram a night for a few nights
usually got me a get out of jail free card. Not this time, for the first time, I am
acutally suffering from this during the day. I have never experienced this.
I am so worried that this is the wrong way. I only took 1/2 of a 50mg Tramadol today out of necessity, but I'm
worried that taking these small amounts of narcotics is just extending the misery.
I have been doing this for 2 weeks with minimal discomfort and just enough sleep to
be comfortable. Now that I am choking my intake of Tramadol
to 1 pill a day split in half and divided, I think I may be slipping into a more intense
withdrawal than the previous week and half.

I just want to wake up, and feel good for one full day without taking even half
a Tramadol. But I don't think that's going to happen this time. I think it's going
to take at least a month before I can get through a full day without thinking
about Suboxone withdrawal. Every hour of the day I think to myself that
Suboxone caused this. I hate Suboxone!


At this point, I can't recommend this method to anyone. I am still in misery
and it would take alot of pain pills to do this without suffering - you'd
need to trade one habit for another to do this painlessly.

Day 16
I haven't been journaling the last couple of days because there really hasn't been
much progress. Some days I feel great, but usually that is after a good nights sleep
and after i have taken one or two pain pills. Other days are horrible, I get these
body aches and I just feel lousy. But the real enemy is insomnia and RLS.
If I could just sleep I would start feeling so much better and "normal" 2 days
ago I had decided that this experiment had ended in failure. I seemed to need the pain
pills to feel "normal" or to be productive. I'm not so sure today though.

Yesterday was the first day without the short term pain meds. I did good. Besides
having a cloudy head from lack of sleep and being extremely unproductive
I didn't really feel like I had to take the pain meds and
I didn't take any. I came home from work and handed over the rest of my stash to my wife.(except
for the Klonpin which I will need for sleep) with explicit instructions not to give them back to me.
(ironically I have enough Suboxone in my possession to keep me addicted for most of 2016-but even
if I flush it, I can get more from my doctor in a couple of hours) (Hindsight - It was enough
Suboxone to keep you addicted for most of 2017!!!!! You should have flushed it!!!!)
I went to a New Years Eve Party last night and I did very very good. I started feeling pretty lethargic
around 11:30 so I went home before the fireworks went off. Last night was probably the worst case of RLS
I have had so far. I feel so tired today, but I am determined.


If this failed, my backup plan was to go on extremely small dosages of SUB. But I don't think so, I will just
trudge through the worst of this until I am free.

Today hasn't been a great day. Nightfall is upon us, and I'm waiting to start feeling like royal shit....I'm not looking
forward to going to bed tonight. I know it's going to be alot of the same.

Day 17 of no Suboxone, Day 3 total Abstinence 1/2/16
I am starting to actually fear going to bed. Last night I didn't want to face another night flipping about in the bed.
So I learned about taking immodium to relieve opiate withdrawal symptoms. Last night I took 8 2mg loperamide tablets.
Many addicts use immodium for opiate withdrawal sickness, some actually consider it a miracle cure.
I consider it playing with fire, but choosing between that risk and not sleeping, I choose to take the risk.

Negative emotions are starting to function again. Boredom, apathy, a sense of hopelessness. I have been through this many many times. I've just
There's usually a certain predictable order, first insomnia, then RLS, then depression, then normal function
and good emotions. But with this Suboxone crap.....I don't know what to expect. Almost 2 weeks of RLS with no signs of stopping....
never had that before.

All in all it's been a good day. Once I get my sleep in order I think the worst is behind me - nights are still hell and
it can ruin the next the day.

Day 18 no Suboxone, Day 4 Total Abstinance.
I am starting to feel normal again. I feel really really good. There's no more of those flu-like symptoms and my energy level is increasing.
I'm feeling more and more like getting up and doing things and not just sitting around the house stationary. I am feeling better and
better every day. It's crazy!

On the downside, I drank 2 beers last night. It felt good and I don't think there were any adverse affects like last week.
However, I went to bed and the RLS started in on me though on the upside it's decreasing in intensity. So I took almost 14 milligrams of Immodium.
It didn't really seem to help. I was flipping around for at least 3 hours and I probably didn't get more than 2-3 hours of quality sleep.
So I'm going to have to abstain from alcohol for a couple of weeks.

I tried drinking coffee this morning. Now I am sitting here and my legs are just bouncing up and down......so no coffee for awhile either.
I really miss these things and I am dissappointed that I have to live without them for even longer. These are the things I look forward to!!!
Coffee in the morning, Beer or Wine on Friday nights. Suboxone is still holding them hostage. I hate suboxone! I fucking hate it!

Day 18 has been kind of sluggish. I have been really unmotivated. I have had
a slight case of the chills all day. I just feel like I
am not 100 percent, I feel somewhat detached.....not there really. When
the RLS stops, I will stop complaining BUT FUCK!!!!! IT'S DAY 18!!!!!! If
I could just lay in bed at night peacefully you wouldn't hear another complaint
from me. Nightfall is on it's way and I pray for just 5 short hours
SUBOXONE SUCKS!!!!!!! I'm done with this. If I don't do
something else to get my mind off of it I am going to go fucking crazy.


Day 21
The progress seems to have slowed. Really angry today because it's the SSDD for the last
few days. Little sleep, RLS, High, but mostly lows. No energy. What else is there to say?
I don't think Suboxone is good therapy. It is horrible. Since it is day 21 I'm getting drunk tonight.
It doesn't matter if I get a hangover, I already feel hungover all the time anyway. Alcohol isn't going to
keep me awake because I already can't sleep. Alcohol is such a beautiful thing.
There's no point to this except keeping track of how many days I have been off Subs.

Day 22
I thought I would sleep last night, and I went to bed and had more of the same shit. So I decided
to get drunk. Grabbed a 6 pack and drank it in bed. I got the greatest sleep I have had in 22 days.
I am thinking, drinking is a good idea. Today I was hungover, but I felt better than I have
in 22 days.

Day 31
Stopped the alcohol for a few days. Went to the sub doctor on day 27. I was treated like a VIP for about 20 minutes
when my piss turned up clean from EVERYTHING. It was kinda short lived - because I felt terrible physically
and I didn't participate in my doctor's triumpth. I never realized that most of his staff are junkies
who are on subs as well. The nurse asked me if I was still going through withdrawals and I said "Yeah,
She's been on OP's for 25 years......I hated to dissapoint her like that and I
should have said something more positive. But addict to addict.......this sucks, I'm miserable.
Anyway the whole thing was really a fiasco.

Anyway day 31. The RLS finally stopped, but then I started insomnia without the RLS.
Insomnia THAT KEEPS ME UP ALL NIGHT WITH NOT EVEN 5 MINUTES OF SLEEP!!!!!!
On days 29-30 I got no sleep at all.
So now I am afraid to go to sleep without downing about 6 beers, some whiskey and a liberal pull of
nyquil. This sucks!!!!!

That's it. I stopped journaling at 30 days. That's about when most of the major
physical symptoms ended. One Month. What followed after that was alot of phantom
pain, anxiety, and eventually PAWs.
Benzo Free June 2015
Sub Free Dec 2015 For about a year
Back on Sub June 2017, 8mg a day
Tapering @ 3mg a day
User avatar
Martin
 
Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Nov 12, 2017 12:35 pm

Re: The Wrong Way -My detox journal 2015

Postby cheeps » Sat Feb 10, 2018 3:00 pm

Now that's some GOOD info Martin....very very valuable. So many people ask about this!!

Do you think you could continue it? Like, add to it if you remember or talk about the decision to go back on sub and how you went about it.

Relapsing, starting over, spiking....all these issues are real. Sometimes it takes two or more tries to get off. What influenced you to keep trying. Any thoughts on your process are welcome. I think this thread is a great one. It will get a shit ton of views.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9882
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

Re: The Wrong Way -My detox journal 2015

Postby Martin » Sat Feb 10, 2018 4:45 pm

Yeah, you bet. I'll try and chronicle what happened in the months following when I get some time, because that was really just the beginning. I wasn't totally over the physical withdrawals until 1-2 months later, and then the PAWS set in.

Sorry it's so confusing, on some days I was telling what meds I took the evening or night before and also the meds I was taking that day.....If you need any clarification, just ask and I'll try to make sense of it if I can. I didn't mention it in the journal, but I was tapering the SAO's from the very beginning - taking less and less every day - it's hard to notice because at night I would spike and my dosage times were when I needed them or I couldn't stand the misery any longer. :punchballs:
Benzo Free June 2015
Sub Free Dec 2015 For about a year
Back on Sub June 2017, 8mg a day
Tapering @ 3mg a day
User avatar
Martin
 
Posts: 60
Joined: Sun Nov 12, 2017 12:35 pm

Re: The Wrong Way -My detox journal 2015

Postby cheeps » Sat Feb 10, 2018 5:03 pm

You don't have to be precise although I know that's in your nature. Personal stories will contain reflections and you'll remember something as you type...it doesn't have to be essay like, just honest. You've got that nailed! 8-)
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper halted
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9882
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm


Return to Personal Stories

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest