The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

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The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby subster58 » Sun Mar 20, 2016 7:15 pm

Hello everyone, April 30th will be 4 years off subs and what a ride it has been. Life continues with all the ups and downs prior to sub use. I left SS for almost a year due to PAWS. I didn't want to continue to tell everyone how terrible I felt because of the new comers. I already been on anti-depressants several years before getting on subs. I was started out at 32mg for taking oxycodone 30mg 4-5 times per day. My MD totally screwed me over, like many of us. By the time I found SS I was already addicted to Suboxone and my MD told me just to cut a small sliver off every day and I would be fine. Fucking LIAR. I had been seeing a shrink for some time and had a RX for Ambien and tranxene for severe clinical depression and anxiety. I had lost 10 family members in 10 years. I went through all the symptoms that one may got through, hurling, diarrhea crying, chills, lead suit, no motivation. It was a chore to take a shower in the beginning.
In 2003 I took a 9mm gun and shot myself in the heart (anterior), missing by mm's, through my lung and exiting out my back, (posterior) fracturing my scapula and ribs. I hate guns and had to read the directions. I was so pissed when I came too in the helicopter for a short time. I was then full of shame and guilt and feeling so selfish about what I put my wonderful family through. At the time I felt hopeless and that was my only option to get out of mental pain I was in. Smile on the outside and scream on the inside. It tool me 5 years to forgive myself. I was then started on pain medication for the second time. Then got off narcotics for several years on my own.
Then I bought my 3rd house and was in the process of renovation and had 5 major falls. Back to the ortho MD, PT, hot packs, pool, worked out etc and back into pain management. I screwed up my right shoulder, right knee and have herniated discs from lumbar 1 to sacrum 1(tail bone).Back on narcotics. Walk with a cane. Have had 7 more steroid injections in my back, knee and right shoulder to no avail. Have cut my pain medication in half due to impending surgery. A mammogram, ultra sound and biopsy showed that I have Cancer in my left breast. Invasive lobular carcinoma with mets. Still in the process of getting more BX's and will have a radical mastectomy when I get all my testing completed. Working with an oncologist and breast surgeon. Have been going to the MD 2-3 times a week for more testing and will be getting chemotherapy after all the bx comes in so they know what type of chemotherapy I'll need, or what other surgery's I need.
I feel scared, depressed and then think if I can get of 32mg of subs, I can do ANYTHING> RIGHT?
There is no high in my pain medication. Those days are long gone, which is good, because they test my urine every visit and do a pill count. I have been on and off pain medication, my greatest fear is being in pain after the surgery.
I've already discussed this with the MD's. I pray I can get the support that I got coming off subs. I still remember those days and have a lot to give back. If you hate me, please just keep it to yourself.
I understand this is not a pain management thread, or a cancer thread, but it is my story. I did get off 32mg of subs with all the great people on SS. I still have value. I am not a victim, but a survivor.
I never want to go back on subs. I wish only the best who are fighting that battle. You are all winners and my hats off to you.
Peace
Tia :D
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby cheeps » Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:27 pm

Hey girlie.....I have moved your thread to Personal Stories. It's crazy what you go thru with cancer. Keep updating...
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby subster58 » Mon Mar 21, 2016 11:19 am

hi, thanks for doing that. Didn't know where to post so I appreciate your help
Tia
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby subster58 » Sun Apr 03, 2016 3:21 pm

Hi Peeps, well I start chemo therapy in the next 1-2 weeks. The first dose will take 6 hours. Will continue to have other testing to see how far it has spread. PET scans to see where else it is lurking. My oncologist says the tests are some what accurate, but until they cut me open and do other BX's they won't know for snure.
I have really bad veins which has been good in the past that I couldn't use IV drugs. If I would of had them I guess I would of used them. Now not so good because they may have to put a port in.

This month will be 4 years off subs. I figure if I can do that, anything is possible,
Any one trying to get off subs it is well worth it, no matter what other problems you may be having. I understand how difficult it is YOU CAN DO IT111
Peace
Tia
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby cheeps » Sun Apr 03, 2016 5:57 pm

Jesus....aren't you glad you don't have to worry about sub problems during this time? Trying to find some vestige of peace about the whole thing is that four years ago...you uncomplicated your life in a big way. If you were still socking away 12-32mgs of the poison, you wouldn't know what or how it affects the crap you will be doing.

I often wonder at the statistics of PM patients that have been/are given sub for pain. I also wish I knew how people are dealing with getting older on sub. We don't hear about it unless someone comes here and I haven't gone looking on other forums...I guess I'm afraid to know. Feel like it's a time bomb....just waiting to blow.

But....while your new path sucks major major ass....you don't have the sub monkey on your back....that's huge.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
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Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby Subblind » Wed Apr 13, 2016 8:24 am

Just read your most recent post and would like to wish you the best...
My wife has been down this road and has come out of it just fine. I'm praying that for you as well
Women are way fucking stronger than we mere mortal men and I wish you strength
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby subster58 » Mon Apr 18, 2016 6:56 pm

Thank you so much, appreciate it. no chemo yet, waiting on PET scan results. Just spent 5 days in the hospital with rhabdomyolysis, where the muscle breaks down and released into the blood stream which harm the kidneys and could lead to kidney failure, muscle pain, vomiting, confusion. May need dialysis. Waiting on blood work results. Had a test where I had to lay on my painful back, metal table for 4 hours and they said did you know you have herniated and bulging discs. No Shit. Etiology is from trauma, that's me and why I've had so many falls, statins and alcohol. Don't drink or take any statins. I have no idea how I got anything because my life is very boring. Maybe I just burnt myself out in the 70's and 80's and I'm paying for it now.
The one and only great thing is I'm not detoxing off subs. Think I would drive my car off a bridge if that was the case. You are so right cheeps, as usual. See oncologist Wed to get the results of PET scan and blood work. Feel like I'm 100 years old. Going to fight it as long as it's not everywhere in my body.
Almost 4 years off subs, so if I can do that I can do anything.
Good luck to everyone who is getting off subs, decreasing your dose etc. It's hard work but well worth it.
Just take one day at a time and keep fighting. Never give up. You can do it.
Peace
Tia :D
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby Subblind » Tue Apr 19, 2016 8:06 am

Peace, strength and courage...you beat the monster you can beat this! Find the best Drs you can and ride them hard. I'm praying for you,and I'm not a holy guy but you gotta believe there is a higher power...keep us posted
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby subster58 » Tue Apr 26, 2016 7:58 pm

Subblin. I do believe in a higher power.

Had my 1st dose of chemo and it kicked my ass. PET scan showed metastatic breast cancer that has moved to 4 other places. Been sick as a dog. Is your wife cancer free now, well as much as they can say. I pray only the best for her too.
They told me I would be on this a year and NFW. I'm not giving up. I just believe there comes a time in ones life where you have to make hard decisions.

I've been blessed with 2 beautiful daughters, 5 grand kids. Traveled the world. To me it's all up to GOD anyway, no matter what I do. I have many other health issues too. No immune system being 1.. The test that I had for brain cancer and back pain, showed 12 herniated discs, spinal stenosis. I'm in severe chronic pain all the time.
Sucks to be me..lol, but I do know it could always be worse. So I'll vent here. Been around for 4 years and hoping for 4 more.
Thanks again,
Peace
Tia
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby cheeps » Tue Apr 26, 2016 10:02 pm

Tia....you do have the fighting spirit and no matter what you decide concerning the chemo....you will fight and live to see many more days. I know this about you. There are others just like you....even though you don't want to....find the support group that I know is out there. It is a good feeling to be among those who know exactly what you feel. You could help a lot of those women...because you have already done the hardest shit you'll ever do. And yes, fighting cancer could be a tie....but once you've faced hell, you can face it again. I know this about you.

Because I know this....I can sincerely say....you are stronger than I am. Two rocks...your name on one, mine on the other...sitting around in the garden of earthly delights. You would win the contest....my rock would never move and yours would be out in the driveway hurling sharp little rocks at sub Drs!

I can see you now....lying in wait for those Slubby motherfucks driving red corvettes, a keen and cutting whistle just at the right moment. Fast pitching that pointy pebble in the window, right between that cocksuckers eyes!! :laughpound: :laughpound: that dumbfuck never saw it coming....you're just a little piece of gravel, jumping up and down yelling "score one for the home forum"!! :wired: :wired: :rofl: :rofl: :cheers2: :blowme:
10 yrs on methadone
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Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby Subblind » Wed Apr 27, 2016 7:47 am

Tia,just saw your post...NOWS the time to become the ultimate warrior...and you will.They can fix you,just fucking stare it down and fight.my wife is cancer free,thankyou for asking.i will be looking for your posts and PLEASE know I'm praying for you!peace to you,talk to u again soon.
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby Subblind » Wed Apr 27, 2016 7:26 pm

:shred: ...kick its ass,like this dude would :punchballs: Hope your ok today!
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby Subblind » Sun May 01, 2016 9:14 am

Hope your doing well...
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby subster58 » Sun May 01, 2016 9:31 pm

Thanks guys, really appreciate the support. Cheeps I know I should go to an outside support group, or maybe find one of the computer. I feel like I'm home when I come here. I know cancer has nothing to due with sub detox, but by your help and support I got off 32mg. I remember it all to well, and I wish strength and hope to anyone kicking that poison out of their body, 1 minute, 1 hr, one day at a time and I did it only with SS and the great people here,

I don't feel I have that fight mode I had with kicking subs. How fucked up am I? I need to look around and find a place like SS, that is censor free since my favorite word is fuck. I used the word ass on the other side and have been banned for life. They loved subs and it was the greatest drug ever made since cut bread

Guess I'll have to behave, but I don't want too, waaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Still have a slight fever with rash and pain, The tumor is so big and there is nowhere for it to go.
Who is this person inside of me, GONE.
As I was told with subs, keep up the fight, never give up, one step at a time
Tia Baby :punchballs: :deadhorse: :gaah:
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby subster58 » Mon May 09, 2016 8:32 pm

Thanks cheeps and sublime, awesome post cheeps. I'm not giving up or in yet,
I believe your rock would be kicking my ass, but I like the meaning.

Felt really good today, yippee. Need the break until my next chemo on 5/13. A friend of mine is driving in from VA to spend the 1st couple of days with me after the chemo as it will be an extra strong dose for the mets (metastatic) cancer. so 2 bags for nausea and itching and 4 bags of 4 different types of chemo agents.

love you guys :kiss: :boobshake: :cheers: :sick: :D
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby Subblind » Tue May 10, 2016 7:55 pm

:D Thanks for the update,you sound good and that makes me happy.glad you got people by your side,you give it all you got and take it as easy as you have to... This to will pass my friend.my thoughts are with you as this illness holds a special place in my heart.it also taught me how fucking brave and strong women are...I'm amazed at the courage and determination I saw in my wife and most other women who have been down this road.between giving birth and dealing with breast cancer I am certain women are truly the dominant gender...we men are mere toolboxes in comparison.balls we have,but not like that under similar circumstances,keep impressing me and I know you will!
God bless my friend :D
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby Subblind » Thu May 12, 2016 8:16 pm

Good luck tomorrow,another step closer to being done with it...I'm rooting for ya
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby subster58 » Sun May 15, 2016 6:57 pm

Hi subblind, Thank you so much for rooting me on forward. Really appreciate it. So far , good compared to the first time, so I'll take it. Sleep a lot, but who cares. My friend had to go back to work in VA. I'm so grateful she drove in to spend the time with me. She's had 8 breast surgery's and I took care of her for 7 of them. She's 70 years old and can run circles around most people. She had implants which I don't plan on doing.

I'm really just a cry baby, but if I can get off 32mg of subs I believe I can do anything
Thanks again
Peace
Tia
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby cheeps » Sun May 15, 2016 7:27 pm

subster58 wrote:Hi subblind, Thank you so much for rooting me on forward. Really appreciate it. So far , good compared to the first time, so I'll take it. Sleep a lot, but who cares. My friend had to go back to work in VA. I'm so grateful she drove in to spend the time with me. She's had 8 breast surgery's and I took care of her for 7 of them. She's 70 years old and can run circles around most people. She had implants which I don't plan on doing.

I'm really just a cry baby, but if I can get off 32mg of subs I believe I can do anything
Thanks again
Peace
Tia



You got that right!! Go go GO! :blowme: :banana:
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
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Re: The good, the bad, the ugly of life after subs

Postby Subblind » Sun May 15, 2016 8:04 pm

Hooray for small victories.sleep your ass off,I remember how tired that shit made my wife...you quit 32mgs of this poison so this will be just another notch in your lipstick case(pat benetar)I'm so proud of you for your kick ass attitude.and I thank you for letting us know how your doing.i begin to miss my new friends when no one posts much so.... Good to hear from you... Now go rest :zzz: ,and God bless,your gonna be the winner again soon :banana:
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