Hello everyone, April 30th will be 4 years off subs and what a ride it has been. Life continues with all the ups and downs prior to sub use. I left SS for almost a year due to PAWS. I didn't want to continue to tell everyone how terrible I felt because of the new comers. I already been on anti-depressants several years before getting on subs. I was started out at 32mg for taking oxycodone 30mg 4-5 times per day. My MD totally screwed me over, like many of us. By the time I found SS I was already addicted to Suboxone and my MD told me just to cut a small sliver off every day and I would be fine. Fucking LIAR. I had been seeing a shrink for some time and had a RX for Ambien and tranxene for severe clinical depression and anxiety. I had lost 10 family members in 10 years. I went through all the symptoms that one may got through, hurling, diarrhea crying, chills, lead suit, no motivation. It was a chore to take a shower in the beginning.
In 2003 I took a 9mm gun and shot myself in the heart (anterior), missing by mm's, through my lung and exiting out my back, (posterior) fracturing my scapula and ribs. I hate guns and had to read the directions. I was so pissed when I came too in the helicopter for a short time. I was then full of shame and guilt and feeling so selfish about what I put my wonderful family through. At the time I felt hopeless and that was my only option to get out of mental pain I was in. Smile on the outside and scream on the inside. It tool me 5 years to forgive myself. I was then started on pain medication for the second time. Then got off narcotics for several years on my own.
Then I bought my 3rd house and was in the process of renovation and had 5 major falls. Back to the ortho MD, PT, hot packs, pool, worked out etc and back into pain management. I screwed up my right shoulder, right knee and have herniated discs from lumbar 1 to sacrum 1(tail bone).Back on narcotics. Walk with a cane. Have had 7 more steroid injections in my back, knee and right shoulder to no avail. Have cut my pain medication in half due to impending surgery. A mammogram, ultra sound and biopsy showed that I have Cancer in my left breast. Invasive lobular carcinoma with mets. Still in the process of getting more BX's and will have a radical mastectomy when I get all my testing completed. Working with an oncologist and breast surgeon. Have been going to the MD 2-3 times a week for more testing and will be getting chemotherapy after all the bx comes in so they know what type of chemotherapy I'll need, or what other surgery's I need.
I feel scared, depressed and then think if I can get of 32mg of subs, I can do ANYTHING> RIGHT?
There is no high in my pain medication. Those days are long gone, which is good, because they test my urine every visit and do a pill count. I have been on and off pain medication, my greatest fear is being in pain after the surgery.
I've already discussed this with the MD's. I pray I can get the support that I got coming off subs. I still remember those days and have a lot to give back. If you hate me, please just keep it to yourself.
I understand this is not a pain management thread, or a cancer thread, but it is my story. I did get off 32mg of subs with all the great people on SS. I still have value. I am not a victim, but a survivor.
I never want to go back on subs. I wish only the best who are fighting that battle. You are all winners and my hats off to you.