A Life Ruined?

Please post, share, or read your personal story here

A Life Ruined?

Postby RamptonNugget-Beast » Tue Oct 07, 2014 6:41 am

Today I feel like everything is fucked because I started pissing around with opiates.

Fucking stupid-arse that I am, I was 41 before I ever tried them recreationally... You'd think I would have known better.

So I'm left like this - feeling shite all the time, The Whisperer one step behind, constantly badgering me.
I can feel better IMMEDIATELY. But then what follows that? This again, but probably worse: press repeat, and on down...

So I'm stuck here, FUCKED , because I'm stupid! I really can't see light at the end of the end of the tunnel. I just want to be better now. Or wasted.

Not this fucking twisted limbo with no relief.
Last Subutex 14th of July...FINALLY SUBSTANCE FREE! In recovery.
User avatar
RamptonNugget-Beast
 
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:03 am

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby Justjules13 » Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:44 am

I know how you feel Beast. I felt that way for about the first 8 months off opiates. It does get better.
We addicts are a Impatient bunch!
Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
Victor Kiam
Pills and IV Morphine- 1985-1999
Methadone maintenance- 1999-May 23,2011 (140mg, tapering to 10 mg)
Suboxone-slow taper to zero, very minimal WD (jump date 12/9/14)
User avatar
Justjules13
 
Posts: 5071
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:07 am

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby RamptonNugget-Beast » Tue Oct 07, 2014 9:07 am

Bit of a black cloud this morning...

Sorry!

Fucking dick!! Did some positive STUFF instead of moping so feeling somewhat better.

Need to watch out for that...if you take too much notice who knows where you might end up :oops: :?:

Good to unload though, and really... There is no-one else
Last Subutex 14th of July...FINALLY SUBSTANCE FREE! In recovery.
User avatar
RamptonNugget-Beast
 
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:03 am

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby ellua » Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:11 pm

Thats what this site is here for, all the unloading you can give, give her here.

You're not stupid for craving something that your brain knows feels so damn good, or at least used to. You're typical (well....mostly!).

Again it's not stupid. But you do have to fight that craving hard, really hard, when you choose to be un-stuck for good. Stuck, or un-stuck. Free, or enslaved. That's the choice now.
July 6, 2007: began sub maintenance @ 16mg
2008-2014: lost in the fog
August 8, 2014: last dose ever of subutex @ .5mg
User avatar
ellua
 
Posts: 484
Joined: Thu Feb 13, 2014 1:26 pm

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby ellua » Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:13 pm

If you want to title your life story as "ruined" then so you will have made your choice. Just know it is always that - choice.

Easy to say. Hard to do. Nothing worth having comes easy though does it?

Hmm think I'm channeling the noot-speak a little, no?
July 6, 2007: began sub maintenance @ 16mg
2008-2014: lost in the fog
August 8, 2014: last dose ever of subutex @ .5mg
User avatar
ellua
 
Posts: 484
Joined: Thu Feb 13, 2014 1:26 pm

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby RamptonNugget-Beast » Tue Oct 07, 2014 3:36 pm

You speak the truth mistress Ellua! :clap:

Choices...fork in the road. It really is up to me. If I just keep away from it, I've got things pretty good.

Not money wise, but love/family etc. The stuff that matters. If I go the other way all of that will disappear pretty quickly...people's patience is worn paper-thin.

I don't want to diminish anyone's suffering from alcoholism, I was 12 long years trying to get off it myself. Shitting puking shakes sweats...a proper mess. Had to drink morning to night at the end, BUT for me anyway, it was kid's stuff in comparison to this.

The power and strength of the draw towards using again is off the fucking scale in comparison.

I don't lie, ever, unless to NOT do so would cause a bad outcome, like "of course your bum doesn't look big in that dear"
Shit example, but you get the drift. Now with this shit I will lie/have lied without a blink. I'm disgusted with myself.

I was even looking a poppy seeds today. Poppy seeds?? After the misery I went through just 2 weeks ago? :banghead: :gaah: :ogeez: :nono:

Its a FUCKING EVIL EVIL MADNESS. Too powerful for little old me on my own, I think.

I only have you guys to confide in, like I said. I think I need to bite the bullet and get along to the SMART meeting. Can't do this on my own, not at the moment.

Right, decision made!! Good! :cheers:
Last Subutex 14th of July...FINALLY SUBSTANCE FREE! In recovery.
User avatar
RamptonNugget-Beast
 
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:03 am

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby Justjules13 » Tue Oct 07, 2014 4:57 pm

Go Beast...report back. I'm curious what their meetings are like. Are they as stiff and formal as NA?
Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
Victor Kiam
Pills and IV Morphine- 1985-1999
Methadone maintenance- 1999-May 23,2011 (140mg, tapering to 10 mg)
Suboxone-slow taper to zero, very minimal WD (jump date 12/9/14)
User avatar
Justjules13
 
Posts: 5071
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:07 am

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby cheeps » Tue Oct 07, 2014 4:58 pm

Rampton....this is the time window that is the hardest during what I call the total detox period. This is the PAW time....for some it's not that bad....but for the peeps that have been on LAO's...its hell. Most of us old timers don't talk about this to newcomers that are tapering or jumping.....w'/ds are scary enough. So we wait until a person gets to this point and we then talk about it. This is what some of us call Freddie the fucker...because like you just said....he whispers in your ear...."do me and everything will be just fucking peachy!"...then he fucks the hell out of you....and you end up back in the cycle. It's harder on us old fucks because we have more aches and pains...or surgeries or shitty life dramas with our families. More mental and physical pains to overcome without the use of opies.

This is the place to come vent....no one understands it like us.
10 yrs on methadone
Meth free 10/08
Back & Neck surgeries
Oxy free 12/06/14
More surgeries 2016-17
2017 Oxy taper in progress
User avatar
cheeps
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 9349
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:15 pm

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby RamptonNugget-Beast » Wed Oct 08, 2014 12:17 am

That last sentence Cheeps...I really need that right now. Thanks you guys...REALLY x
Last Subutex 14th of July...FINALLY SUBSTANCE FREE! In recovery.
User avatar
RamptonNugget-Beast
 
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:03 am

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby RamptonNugget-Beast » Fri Oct 10, 2014 1:40 am

Ha! Ha!

Melodramatic PUSSY!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

DO-DO...DO.DO..DODO-DY! :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:
Last Subutex 14th of July...FINALLY SUBSTANCE FREE! In recovery.
User avatar
RamptonNugget-Beast
 
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:03 am

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby ellua » Fri Oct 10, 2014 4:31 am

You're entitled! Again, thats what this place is.for!
July 6, 2007: began sub maintenance @ 16mg
2008-2014: lost in the fog
August 8, 2014: last dose ever of subutex @ .5mg
User avatar
ellua
 
Posts: 484
Joined: Thu Feb 13, 2014 1:26 pm

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby AVinLo » Fri Oct 10, 2014 10:37 am

Hang in there Rampton. I put on a strong face, but I totally get what you're saying. I can honestly say I don't crave opiates at this time because I know where I'll go back to and it took 2 year's to escape the dark, dark place I was in. I'm impatient by nature, so I crave anything natural to help give my brain the shit it needs to heal already...nutrition wise. And, it goes beyond just food nutrition. I'm talking brain chemistry supplementation. I'm gonna experiment some with NATURAL supplements.The waves of anxiety and low energy/motivation is beyond annoying at this point. I forgot about SMART recovery. Hang in there bud...we're all here for the "ChickenNugget-Beast". ;)
"Pain is temporary. It may last for a minute or an hour or even a year, but ,eventually, it WILL subside. And, something else will take it's place. If I quit however....it will last forever!"

Tramadol- 2006 to 2011♢Vicodin to Oxy's- 2011 to 2013♢Suboxone- 2013 to 2014♢Quit 3 mg Suboxone on 8/26/14
User avatar
AVinLo
 
Posts: 255
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2014 2:18 pm
Location: Kentucky

Re: A Life Ruined?

Postby RamptonNugget-Beast » Fri Oct 10, 2014 1:56 pm

:cheers:

Up and doon like a hoor's drawers!! :boobshake:

At least now I know there IS up ha ha!

More ups/less downs Mr Nugbert Willy-Wanker all better! :thumbup:
Last Subutex 14th of July...FINALLY SUBSTANCE FREE! In recovery.
User avatar
RamptonNugget-Beast
 
Posts: 257
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:03 am


Return to Personal Stories

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron