It's day 5. No opioids.
I wish I knew more about bupe before I started it, but it did save my life. I'm grateful and hateful.
4 years of daily opoids. A couple years back I peaked at a 4 gram a day habit that did NOT get me high. No veins left. Abscesses. A 1/2 dozen CT attempts, never made it past day three. If you've seen the HBO special on tar, you've seen a glimpse into a part of my life. (albeit a secret part) This was my third long run, others were cut short by jail and prison. I'm grateful that subs were available to me, but I had no idea how strong it was, what the 1/2 life was, how hard it would be to get off.
The hardest part this time, not one person in my life knew I was using. Subs were great at first, I felt like normal. My business took back off and life was good. But as I've read here, I'm not alone, it was getting old. I started to taper within a month of getting on subs, I did it to have a little "cushin" between refills. Down to 8mg was easy, hardly noticeable. It took a year though. 6 months to get down to 4mg/day. 3 months to 2mg a day. After 4mg is was starting to get hard. Depression and lethargy were the hardest. I jumped off at .5mg a day, lasted 2 days and went back. I tapered down to .2mg a day and jumped off. Don't get me wrong, I was sick for the last month of taper, just manageable sickness.
I made it to day 2.5 after jumping off and was sick, not 4gram a day sick of course, but pretty dam sick. My doc told me that if I tapered down it would hardly be noticeable. Bullshit. After doing some reading, I decided to score some SAO and give that a whirl. One month of SAO. I lost control a little, started to like the pills, but caught myself. Tapered the SAO and jumped off. Made it to day 5 and could not work, could get out of bed, only to lay of the floor at work. (self employed, thank goodness) Jumped back on with SOA at a low dose (15mg hydro daily) Jumped back off.
I'm on Day 5, and I can do it this time. I can feel it. It's getting better.
4+ more years gone. I didn't loose everything though, thankfully. I know I should have asked for help, I should have researched subs before taking them. But when you've been down this road before and had help from all your family and friends, had 5 years clean. I just couldn't do it to them again. Not again.
I've done N/A and rehabs in the past. I never felt comfortable there, I gained some tools, I learned about myself, but I never really bought into it. What has helped me the most this time around is the forums. Reading other peoples misery and success has helped massively. Reading about other peoples CT tries takes me back to CT from 4g's, what that was like. I feel so lucky to get 2-4 hours of sleep each night. I feel lucky that I only want to kick my legs around for part of the night, not all day and night. I feel lucky that a hot bath is helping. I feel lucky that I can go for a walk and do some pushups.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know about PAWS, I know I'm not done. I'm not pretending that it's all over. But for the first time in over 1400 days, I know I can do it without any opiods.
thanks for listening.