Today marks day 28. Hard to believe 4 weeks ago today, I took my last little .25 mgs at 6 AM. As much as I would like to celebrate this milestone, today is actually kind of rough. I woke up around 3:50 AM, and couldnt get back to sleep. The moment I woke up, I had very intense anxiety hitting me. I wish I could find a way to deal with it without letting it consume me. I seem to be thinking about/regretting all the dumb stuff I have done over the last few years. Yesterday was my one year anniversary of getting married. I spent the day with my wife, but yesterday was tough too. I keep coming across pictures of my wedding last year on Facebook. And, even though it was the best day of my life, I find regret that I wasn't fully emotionally there. I was still on Subs last year and it truly bothers me that I wasnt "clean" on one of the most important days of my life. The one thing that keeps me going, is knowing that when we do have a baby next year, I will be 100% present in that moment. I don't understand how the anxiety can be worse after almost a month than it was the first couple weeks. But here it is. I am pushing through, and I know there is no miracle cure. Just need to "live life on life's terms", but man is it hard. There are moments when I want to climb in my closet and just hide from the world. I am seeing an addiction specialist and I really don't want to get on any sort of meds to deal with anxiety. So I am hoping it subsides with time. He also tells me he believes I have ADHD. I agree 100% and really hope I don't need meds for that. I used to take adderall recreationally and I hated the way it took my sleep and appetite away. I want to be clean damnit!!
Those are only the negatives though. There area ton of positives that come along with almost a month off of that poison. I have done not a single opiate, other than 2 nights of Immodium, since jumping off. I really haven't craved any either, after day 3-4. I really believe I am just a different person than who I was when i was hustling and lying and addicted. I don't keep cash on me, and if I touch more than $20 in my joint account, my wife gets an alert. Those are just relapse prevention techniques we put in place. Other than some mild chills, yawns, and sneezes hitting me a few times a day, all the physical symptoms have all but disappeared. No more RLS!!!!! My sleep is still light, but I take some Valerian root, or some melatonin, and I am able to get 5-6 hours. I was smoking some good strong weed the first 3 weeks, but I haven't bought any in over a week. It was great at night, but I also was taking a few hits before work and I don't need to be any slower than I already am. But, it is something I would fully recommend during the first few days/weeks. It helped so much with the RLS, insomnia, and suppressed appetite. Not to mention, just brought my mood up a touch for a few minutes.
I had a great anniversary weekend with my wife. We have been together 11 years(married 1 year), and sometimes it crushes me to look at her and think of all the bullshit I have put her through. But then I think that I get to spend the rest of our live's making up for it. My favorite thing about the last 28 days, is the fact that I have been eating like crazy. I weighed myself yesterday and I have managed to put on 7 lbs in the last 4 weeks. Which for me, is a lot of weight in a short period of time. When I was on Suboxone, my appetite was nonexistent. So this is huge for me. I started jogging around my neighborhood. Luckily I live in Florida, so the weather is nice. Jogging absolutely drains me. When I look at myself in the mirror, I look like Im in the best shape of my life, but I feel like an old fat man once I start exerting energy. But I know this will only get better. I went out with friends this weekend. It felt so good to be in a social setting, laughing and talking, and actually feeling present. The last year or so on Subs, I started developing some really bad social awkwardness. That is officially gone. I actually did some dancing and it felt great actually feeling the music instead of just hearing it.
One thing I have been researching has been the effect that opiate use has on testosterone levels. I believe this has a large part to do with the low energy issue. I am hoping none of this is permanent, and that after time, my body will get back to normal.
So for Mr. Blindass, the sooner you can "jump", the better. I wish I would've done mine sooner. But make sure you are ready. You will know when it is time. I sure did.
This sounds corny, but this website and everyones' stories, good or bad, have helped immensely. Just knowing I am not the only fool going through this makes me feel like I am not 100% alone. Just now, as I typed "alone" I thought back to the first 4 days at home on my couch/bed with just me and my little dogs. I was a mess. I cried every single hour. As I look back, I am amazed at what the human body/brain can do. In just the 15 minutes it took to type all this, I can feel my mood getting better.
Good luck everyone. If anyone has any questions, comments, or concerns, I check this thread daily. Get better folks.....