Needing to vent a bit

[True85]

Hello all. I am 47 days clean and i feel ok. I have been having ups and downs for the past 47 days, but I guess that comes with the territory. I am kind of pissed off right now. I started going see a therapist in April. I really like the guy and i think he is helping me and I thought he would help me further in the long run. The first time I called him to schedule my first meeting I told him I do not want to go to NA or AA. It just is not for me. He said thats fine. He said I didnt need to go to na/aa, but we would incorporate some of their methods in my sobriety. So for like the first eight sessions he didnt talk about aa/na. Then he started telling me I needed to go to aa/na because all my friends that are clean left town and now I am lonely. WHich he is right. I do not have much of a social life right now. Last week I went in there and I was having a real bad day and he said I absolutely have to go to meetings and meet people in recovery because if I dont my mind will win and I will definitely use. This kind of pissed me off. Way to set up someone for failure. I dont thinkI will use, but i dont think he understands fully how bad PAWS can be. I know he is only looking out for my best interest and that is the only way he knows how. I went to 4 meetings this week and i still cant put my heart into it. I really dont like the powerless aspect of the program. I never want to use opiates again, but I would like the occassional beer here and there. I never had a problem with the stuff, and I dont plan on drink till at least five months in my sobriety. On the other hand I could benefit from meeting some sober people, but it seems like if you hang around them they want you to work the steps and fully commit. I am nowhere near where i want to be in my life, but I know it will be a long road and that is fine. I still will continue to see the therapist and just tell him i wont committ to aa. Anyway thanks for letting me vent. Any advice would be appreciated. Hope everyone is doing well out there.

[cheeps]

True....do you live in a town that has an atheist group of any kind....not an AA/NA group? Or a lutheron or UU church. These are the kind of peeps that may know of a less religious or better kind of sober recovery group.

It is hard to reach out and find people that are more open minded about recovery. That's another reason this forum is here.

Check meetup.com for any off the wall groups or peeps in your area.

[subster58]

True, congrats on your clean time. I understand about everything you posted. You are doing it. AA and NA help some people. I went for 20 years and now go to chruch. all my friends are sober, know I quit AA long ago, and never tell me I need a meeting because they know I would tell them to fuck off, and have. It helped me for many years, and helps some on this site. You have to do what is right for you, too stay sober. Whatever it takes.
As cheeps stated there are many other types of support groups that may be better for you. Theres a new add on TV about no AA or NA, but I know its about taking subs, stay at home, etc, to detox. Having someone to talk to helps so much. do you have any close friends around??? not many people understand about sub detox and PAWS.
I have 78 days and am depressed as hell, guess its stage 2, sucks.
your doing great
Love ya
Tia

[True85]

Thanks for the advice cheeps and tia. Yall have been great. Cheeps I will try to find some different meetings in my area. Yeah I just cant get into the whole aa/ na thing. I have been trying to off and on for about a year. Feeling decent this morning. It is all a mind thing now and it sucks. I know it will get better, but it just sucks because i dont know when. I heard alot of people say three months so I am waiting on then. Until then I will stay strong as I know we all will. Thanks

[kiki]

congrats on killing that monster sub. I need to vent too!! I'm still on one mg [ film ] per day. I'm totally convinced that these strips are the most addicting thing on this planet. I stopped counting how many times I've tried to stop from 1 mg per day. When I cut a strip in 8 pieces it's a joke. I can't get beyond that 1 fucking mg. I know many people that are on 3 strips a day for years now. that's a joke there just legal drug pushers and they know exactly what there doing!!!!!!!!!!$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. I have a promis from Jesus and I trust in him. he's the only one keeping me from just ending this whole fucking mess.Kiki

[Justjules13]

Hi KiKi,
Good to see you back. I know it's frustrating...I'm "stuck" on .25mg. It got hard for me to taper under 1mg and near impossible to get below .25mg. The lower you can get before your try to jump again the better. Zero is the really difficult part...hang in there, your doing good. Some people can't taper at all, so give yourself credit.
J

[subster58]

KiKi, know how you feel. it's a total mind fuck. I too was convinced that subs were a miracle drug. I was on 32mg, and detoxed after finding this site to help me, understand me like no one else. I was full of fear, spiked many times, used, and always felt worse after, like I want to die. Getting to 1mg is great. I also had the 8mg strips, and would cut the strips into 1mg, then cut that in half, etc, until I got down to .15mg or .10mg, hard to tell and jumped. try to stay on a dose for 2-3 weeks before decreasing. I jumped from .25mg after being on it for only 3-4 days and failed. But I had felt like such shit for so long I wanted that poison out of me. It's no picnic, but worth it.
Some peeps don't have many WDS they stay on a low dose for a month or 2, everyone is so different.
believe me when I say if I can do this so can you. Support from these great people are the only reason I've made it this far. Wishing you the best in whatever you decide to do.
Tia

[True85]

Hey guys. I hope all is well. 74 days in and i still mentally feel like trash. Im down on myself. I get frustrated. I want to feel better. My therapist keeps telling me to go to aa/na meetings. He says that is the only way i will heal. I went to one last night. It was ok. I felt good while there, but now this morning i still feel shitty about the aa/ na thing. I dont know if my mind is recovering from sub use or this is just the way I am off of drugs.?I will keep pushing. Using is not an option

[cheeps]

True...expect mental conflict about recovery/staying clean. A good part of it is the brain chemicals readjusting....and it will get better with time. When I did my big methadone detox I HAD TO EMBRACE my stupid/depression/mental issues and become PATIENT with myself....

Think of a person recovering from losing a leg, arm or back issues and the mental adjustment (as well as the physical) they go thru....well...we do too. Because we don't SHOW any physical harm, we are harder on ourselves....but deserve the same support and patience....Lighten up on where you think you should be.

LAO's are HELL on the brain...the drs JUST don't get it. Society just doesn't get it. Six months from now...you will feel MUCH better...you just gotta stumble thru it.

[Justjules13]

Wow Cheeps...excellent post! So true. Truthfully, I'd much rather have a broken arm...you can SEE the healing.....plus it seems less painful than sub WD. And they give you good opies...whoops!!! That's how this stuff gets started...

[True85]

Thanks cheeps great analogy there. Just went to a meetIng and I really didn't like this one. My thoughts are just negative all the time. The doctor put me on wellbutrin, last month but that shit doesn't work. How are you holding up Jules?

[Justjules13]

Hi True,
I went to a meeting tonight too. The meetings here are very different than in the states. There's people from all over the world, so I find all the different accents and people very interesting.The Scottish guys are straight out of that movie Trainspotting..and some very funny guys. It least I got some exercise. I bike and the meeting is about three miles round trip. I really haven't done much as far as exercising until today...I think it helped the WD a bit.
I'm sleeping like shit despite a arsenal of comfort meds and I'm weak...but other than that, alls good. I've taken Wellbutrin in the past along with Proxac and Busbar, I never thought it did a thing...one day I just threw them all in the trash...it was about a week after starting methadone! My problems were solved and I was happily sedated for 13 yrs....TILL NOW! Things look weird. My eye sight has gone straight to shit in 10 days..but like all the other weird stuff like sneezing and gut pain, it will return to normal shortly.
Hang in there True....eventually things do get better, or so I've been told.
J

[subster58]

Hi. I'm right there with you, something like 74 days. Cheeps post is great and as Jules said I too would take a broken arn anytime over this mental shit. One or 2 days good, then feel like shit again. depression sucks. sometimes it can take up to 6 weeks before you notice any changes, but I'm on 3 anti-depressants and anxiety meds and my shrink says won't help. Its all mental and you just have to go thru it. see her tomorrow again for RX refills I understand the frustration, like when the fuck is this going to be over. Your doing great, just keep pushing thru. As far a meeting goes, it took me 3 months before I felt like I belonged. Found a great sponsor and we are still best friends and raised our kids together. That was a million years ago.
Love and Hope
Tia

[cheeps]

As far a meeting goes, it took me 3 months before I felt like I belonged. Found a great sponsor and we are still best friends and raised our kids together. That was a million years ago.

You know...sometimes people are way more valuable to our recovery/clean time than a program.....but you have to meet the people and put yourself out there.

So if anyone does go to shitty meetings....focus on the peeps in the room instead of the program....maybe you'll find someone with a secret like mind and you can connect later.

[True85]

Thanks guys. Mmakes me feel better yall advice. Subster if you dont mind me asking why did yiu quit aa if you found such good people there?

[nootlsjr]

you got this true.

tia, and sorry true for the interuption. 3 antidepresnts. sometimes/most times. drugs cause the effect there meant to cure. if your depressed now, why take the chance of not knowing whats what. sorry for the vulgar thought, you still will feel better in time from being off the orange devil. keap up the good work in what works best for you, and congrats on your strenth to suxceed. 32 to nothing, think you made freddy cry with this offset.lol.

[subster58]

Hi True, after going to a million meetings, which saved my ass, I got tired of hearing the same people say the same things. In the beginning I did need it, and the people. I didn't search around for too many other meeting either, and I would go back if I thought I wanted to do H or something else. All my friends are in recovery, and not many go to meeting anymore. My sponor told me we didn't get clean and sober to live in the rooms.
I needed something different and deeper and I found a really cool rock-in-roll, nonjudgemental chruch. you can wear jeans, shorts, no one cares about those kind of things, and it truely brings me joy. I will always need some form of help, more spirtual. I had over 20 years clean, fell 3 times and my ortho MD sent me to pain management.
did that for several years and one day my MD closed his office with all my records and I had to go to work and not be in WDS, thus the MF MD subsucker from hell who started me out at 32mg for taking oxycodone 30mg 4-6x a day.
I choose not to go back into pain management, get off subs, and see where I'm at. I have 4 herniated discs, spinal stenosis, right knee torn, and 2 bad shoulders, one needs surgery, the other is scare tissue from the gunshot wound. I'm always in pain from the time I get up until I go to bed. I take advil and hot showers, ice, heating pad etc. The ortho MD also wanted to do surgery on my back, but I would still have all the other pain.
Anyway you need to do what works for you. Many people are against AA and NA, but I believe everyone has a choice about their recovery. What works for one, may not work for another. There was alot of bs rules, but as they say, take what you need and leave the rest. I sponsor 2 people, but we're great friends, and talk many things out, help eachother, or just listen. I am grateful for the AA days because I believe I'd be dead by now if not for the support I got. That was in the 80's and 90's. This site has helped me get off subs and gives understanding like no one else as no one understand subs or detoxing off of them, especially the MF MDs. so do what you need to do to stay clean, whatever it is, its your choice.
Love ya
Tia this is for you sara lol

[True85]

Thanks for your story tia very inspirational. Your posts helped me get through on here. Your one tough chick. Im going to keep pushing, but today is rough. I cried more today than I have throughout this whole process. Crazy how you can feel worst mentally than you dId on like day 25.

[subster58]

True, I think the emotional part is worse than detox, which is no picnic either. Last weekend I cryed all day, both days. going to the shrink shortly and i still look like shit, with red swollen eyes. fuck this sucks, but any day without the subsucker is A GREAT day. will let you know if shrink says anything different, doubt it.
we are doing this and I pray one day it will be over. we both have come so far, so we'll just keep pushin thru
Love ya
Tia